[Elkino]

I told my T a bit more clearly about my sui thoughts. And after all I'm glad that I did.
I think it's 'nice' to know that your T cares and mine expressed that to me. But when I explained that I didn't want anyone to have to worry about me and felt very bad about it, my T said something like 'Well, I'm not going to make myself sick worrying, but... (followed by an explanation that showed my T does care... till a certain extend)'.
That's the most healthy option of course. Can't imagine a T worrying and losing sleep because of people like me... :-/ Guess on the other hand it's also a bit hard to hear that, although I don't know why. I wouldn't want it to be differently but I guess we all want to be loved and taken care of maybe...

How did your T react when you told? And how did you experience this? did you want or expect something else?

[ThingWithFeathers]

Basically, my t asked a bunch of questions to see how 'serious' my thoughts were and whether I had an active plan. I do honestly think I noticed a bit of stress/panic at first, but she kept her cool. She made sure I knew she was there for me if I needed to call or email between sessions.

Only once has she felt she needed to make a phone call to the crisis care team. She is not keen on involuntary treatment, so she spoke with me about it first. Phoning them was a last resort and not something that was taken lightly by my t.

It's been an ongoing conversation, with safety and care planning the focus - knowing when to reach out and how to monitor/predict my thought precesses and actions. It's something we both have to watch out for as it's an ongoing issue for me.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I have ongoing check-ins with my T about my sui thoughts and si thoughts. I don't have to disclose plans anymore because it's the same plan. We just make sure that I'm safe.

My Pdoc wanted me to go into specifics about my thoughts to see what type they are. She said they're 50% chemical and 50% reactivity. She said they're very morbid and mostly about tortuing myself. And that they have nothing to do with trying to manipulate situations or other people. I felt so bad giving the details. I don't like thinking about it, so I imagine she didn't either.

Their first reaction when I tell them the thoughts are intense is asking me if I need to go to a hospital or crisis house. Second thing is the make sure I will be physically safe (i.e. not alone, not surrounded by triggering objects, etc.) Then we review my coping skills. And lastly, a review of everything and confirmation that I'll be safe.

They don't make a big deal out of it. Which is actually the proper way professionals are supposed to handle it.

[gayleggg]

I was told to either go to the hospital on my own or he would call the sheriff. I wasn't expecting him to come on so strong. I thought maybe we would discuss my going but I didn't think he would leave me know choice. Needless to say, I went to the hospital on my own. I'm glad I did. I'm much better now.

My T just discusses it with me to see where those thoughts are. He doesn't worry too much about thoughts. Thoughts are thoughts. It is when he sees some other factors mixed in that his level of concern increases. He knows me well and knows how to respond based on where I am at.

[Elkino]

Wow, those are some very different reactions.
I guess it takes a T who knows you very well and who knows what is best for you and the way he/she can bring you back to safety. Whether it is by talking or sending you straight to the hospital... Seems like a tough job for a T, to find that right approach.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

My T just discusses it with me to see where those thoughts are. He doesn't worry too much about thoughts. Thoughts are thoughts. It is when he sees some other factors mixed in that his level of concern increases. He knows me well and knows how to respond based on where I am at.

Yes, I think it's all about knowing you. Because I do believe that for some people expressing thoughts can already be very alarming...

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I was told to either go to the hospital on my own or he would call the sheriff. I wasn't expecting him to come on so strong. I thought maybe we would discuss my going but I didn't think he would leave me know choice. Needless to say, I went to the hospital on my own. I'm glad I did. I'm much better now.

I think I'd be shocked if my T did this, but it looks like it was the right approach for you. I admire your courage there, glad you went in and made yourself get better.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I have ongoing check-ins with my T about my sui thoughts and si thoughts. I don't have to disclose plans anymore because it's the same plan. We just make sure that I'm safe.

My Pdoc wanted me to go into specifics about my thoughts to see what type they are. She said they're 50% chemical and 50% reactivity. She said they're very morbid and mostly about tortuing myself. And that they have nothing to do with trying to manipulate situations or other people. I felt so bad giving the details. I don't like thinking about it, so I imagine she didn't either.

Their first reaction when I tell them the thoughts are intense is asking me if I need to go to a hospital or crisis house. Second thing is the make sure I will be physically safe (i.e. not alone, not surrounded by triggering objects, etc.) Then we review my coping skills. And lastly, a review of everything and confirmation that I'll be safe.

They don't make a big deal out of it. Which is actually the proper way professionals are supposed to handle it.

What exactly do you mean by '50% chemical and 50% reactivity'? I never thought about the fact that the method you choose tells something about where it comes from. It's interesting though.

[brokenwarrior]

My T remains very calm and collective when I express my sui ideation. I don't like it when people become alarmed. Sometimes I get the feeling that she doesn't care but deep down I know she does and still worries about me. I hope that she doesn't loose sleep over me. Its possible but doubtful.

I haven't seem my T in awhile since I am now in a more intensive program and whenever I mention sui thoughts, even if they are passive, the program therapists become very alarmed. To me it makes the whole situation worse and it makes me scared to tell them whats really going on. So I believe acting in a calm manner when someone is expressing sui thoughts is best.

The "I'm not going to make myself sick worrying" comment was pretty clumsy. I'm glad she balanced it with something less callous sounding.

My therapist is a cool customer. It's information to gauge how I'm doing. She's very kind, but does not make a big deal if there's no big deal to be made. If there were, I'm guessing she would recommend the ER or contacting the pdoc who is also very much the same in responding. I like this approach and prefer it over concern. It's more useful to me.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Elkino

What exactly do you mean by '50% chemical and 50% reactivity'? I never thought about the fact that the method you choose tells something about where it comes from. It's interesting though.

Sui thoughts can be caused by different factors, similar to depression, anxiety, etc.

1. Chemical Imbalance
2. Reactivity to your environment
3. Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) - seen often in military and athletes
4. Possibly genetic
A blood test for suicide? - 07/30/2014

My T and Pdoc also tell me that because I have suffered from sui thoughts for so long, the neural connection in my brain for that is permanently open. So in order to get the thoughts to come less often and be less intense, my brain has to develop new connections and utilize them instead of the old one.

Also, for me it rings true, the thoughts provide a sense of comfort. No, I don't like the thoughts, but they allow me to maintain a little bit of control in life. I know I have the option/ability to rid myself of the pain if I choose to in situations that feel/seem/are unbearable.

As for how my Pdoc came up with 50% chemical and 50% reactivity, not sure exactly what allowed her to come to that conclusion. If I have to guess, maybe it was the "whys" behind each method?

[NowhereUSA]

SUI thoughts are a matter of course for me. It's eye-rollingly hilarious to watch medical practitioners fall all over themselves when they give me a depression battery. I lie to those I think might try to hospitalize me and the others I tell them I'm happy to give them my T's number if they'd like reassurances. Why? Because when you've formulated a plan multiple times over two decades, you don't really forget. You end up with a morbid sense of humor which I don't think my Pdoc finds nearly as funny as I do.

PDoc: Suicidal thoughts?
Me: Yup. All the time. Ever since I was young.
PDoc: Plans?
Me: Like four. Sometimes five. Which one would you like me to go over?
PDoc: Hmmm. You see your T later today?
Me: Yup.
PDoc: Okay.

(My Pdoc and T are in the same building).

I'm with Scarlet though. While I haven't heard that, I've suspected it because it's my "go-to" for dealing with my depression. It's so bad that I'll get frustrated and think, very seriously, "I could just go kill myself" even if my depression isn't particularly bad that day. DBT has worked wonders for helping me gain control of my thoughts in this regard.

As for how my T reacted the first time, he was very calm, very thoughtful in how he approached it. It was so nice not to have an over the top reaction because everyone else freaked the hell out. Eventually it got to a point where he was like, "If you kill yourself, I'm going to come kick your a --."

Now, after years, he can read me well enough to know when and where I'm at in dealing with the thoughts. He's said this year has been significantly worse and there was one time he wasn't comfortable with me leaving his office and he very nearly thought he might have to hospitalize me. It was the first time he hugged me too (freaked me out a bit but I would rather have a non-requested hug than end up in the hospital) - he basically held onto me and talked me down. It was... nice. Scary in some ways and I know he wouldn't have crossed that boundary if he didn't feel like I was a real danger.

It worked though. So I give him credit for knowing what to do with me in the right moment.

Unfortunately, I've now learned his threshold and I haven't decided what to do about that because now I know exactly how much I can share and what to say to get him to let me out of his office. *sigh*

[Ad Intra]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Sui thoughts can be caused by different factors, similar to depression, anxiety, etc.

1. Chemical Imbalance
2. Reactivity to your environment
3. Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) - seen often in military and athletes
4. Possibly genetic
A blood test for suicide? - 07/30/2014

My T and Pdoc also tell me that because I have suffered from sui thoughts for so long, the neural connection in my brain for that is permanently open. So in order to get the thoughts to come less often and be less intense, my brain has to develop new connections and utilize them instead of the old one.

Also, for me it rings true, the thoughts provide a sense of comfort. No, I don't like the thoughts, but they allow me to maintain a little bit of control in life. I know I have the option/ability to rid myself of the pain if I choose to in situations that feel/seem/are unbearable.

As for how my Pdoc came up with 50% chemical and 50% reactivity, not sure exactly what allowed her to come to that conclusion. If I have to guess, maybe it was the "whys" behind each method?

Thanks so much for sharing what your pdoc said. I feel like that's me sometimes. Sui thoughts scare me, but they give me a sense of control. Death has played a part in my life at many points. I feel like if I'm sui it takes power out of death, like I've got the last laugh.

[Elkino]

Originally Posted by Ad Intra

Thanks so much for sharing what your pdoc said. I feel like that's me sometimes. Sui thoughts scare me, but they give me a sense of control. Death has played a part in my life at many points. I feel like if I'm sui it takes power out of death, like I've got the last laugh.

Exactly. My biggest fear ever would be being immortal! Seriously. Having at least that option to quit makes me feel better too. It reminds me of being in a busy place and keeping an eye on the emergency exit. You don't use it, but knowing where it is and that you could use it in need... Kinda makes you feel more at ease.

[Elkino]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

The "I'm not going to make myself sick worrying" comment was pretty clumsy. I'm glad she balanced it with something less callous sounding.

Yes, but of course it's like the only part of the conversation I remember. While T said a lot of nice things too. That part made me feel like 'you are just a client... Not a friend I'd be worried about', you know... :-(
I do know that maybe it was the reaction I needed. Because I told her how it sucks people would get worried when I express my thoughts. As if I make it worse.
On the other hand... I guess I might have wanted her not to have said it.
I don't know...

Well, when we're in that state, it's hard to gauge the meaning and weight of things. My therapist just told me that she was very worried about me, which surprised me. I thought she was just taking it all in stride, not ruffled by any of it. So, I guess we might not always be the best judge of what other people are thinking/meaning, esp when in a dark place.

[Elkino]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

Well, when we're in that state, it's hard to gauge the meaning and weight of things. My therapist just told me that she was very worried about me, which surprised me. I thought she was just taking it all in stride, not ruffled by any of it. So, I guess we might not always be the best judge of what other people are thinking/meaning, esp when in a dark place.

I agree. I hate it when I start thinking about every single word that has been said and keep looking for its meaning.
While T was probably just someone trying to deal with it as good as possible, maybe also struggling to find the right words...
I think I have to let it go, if only I knew how.

[BlessedRhiannon]

The one thing I don't want from my T is an over-reaction. I need her to acknowledge that I'm struggling, and I need her to listen as I talk about how I'm feeling, but I don't usually want her to do anything else. Most of the time, I have strong urges or thoughts, but know that I'm not actually going to act on them. We talk about ways to keep me safe, and what might have triggered the feelings/thoughts/urges.

This latest time that I had sui thoughts and urges, my T felt like as she put it that "she was losing [me]." She suggested that we go to twice a week sessions for a bit. I found that very helpful, because I found myself pulling away and trying to isolate myself. I didn't feel connected to anyone or thing, so having more frequent sessions gave me something to feel connected to and it gave T a chance to monitor me a bit more.

In general, if I tell T that I'm having sui thoughts or urges, she will ask me some questions to assess where I stand as far as a risk of acting on the thoughts or urges. Then, we just talk about it. My T always remains very calm but also validates how I'm feeling. I appreciate the calmness, because I feel completely chaotic inside and I need a point of calm to center on. I never feel like she's dismissing how much emotional pain I am in, I honestly feel like she responds in exactly the right manner for me.