[IndestructibleGirl]

I go in feeling strong, and adult and reasonable.

I come out a wreck.

I tried being really honest, as much as I could, about how much I'm grappling with the lack of contact still. How I feel she doesn't like me, even though I'm utterly sure she does care professionally. She said she doesn't pay fifteen hundred pounds for somebody else's therapy if she doesn't care, and I get that. But that she can't afford to do that anymore. I know this too. But why can't she 'afford' to talk to me in between? I would always advise people not to give anything that they can't afford to others, on a money or an emotional level, so why did she? Surely that's like Therapy 101?

She said it's like a stand off when I come in, she feels attacked everytime I bring this up. And I said well I need to bring it up because in order to do deeper work, our relationship needs to be more solid. She agreed and asked if there was any way we could make it more solid. Neither of us knew.

She wants us to write letters to each other to read at the next session. She said she explained her rationale about what happened with all the intense contact and we keep going over it. I said call me stupid but I don;t remember her reasons for what happened. I genuinely don't. So she said she will write it in a letter, that I can read when I wish. And suggested I write a letter to take to the next session about something that crops up for me I need help with that's not to do with me and her. Fine. But wondering now what the hell topic I choose. My biggest issues are my chaotic relationship with her, and my sexual trauma bullsh#t. I mean I could choose something light, like the fact I have bad pms (this makes me appallingly clumsly) and dropped a giant carton of milk on the floor tonight and was so freaked out I had to drop a couple of valium.

I don't know what to do.

I was a bit mean, I felt. I asked bluntly if all the love bombing and contact was an experiment, or if it was because it was a good distraction from her break up in her romantic relationship to throw herself into 'saving' a client. And I said why, when we agreed I have tons of bpd traits, would you do all that, knowing it will never end well when there's no boundaries? Why, when you have 20 years experience? And related the incidents of experienced pilots, who sometimes when all the have to do is push the gearstick up, for some reason push it down and the plane crashes and burns. Human error, I guess.

When she said she couldn't afford to do any of that anymore, I do get that. But it makes me sad that emotionally she can't afford to be in touch with me anymore, presumably because I;m too hard work.

I am mega confused, and unhappy, and now valiumed up to the eyeballs to take the sting out of it all.

It sounds to me that you articulated that really well to your T. I like her idea of writing down the reasons in a letter.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Yes, I was very touched by the suggestion of the letter because I think it will help me process where she was/ is coming from. So, pleased about that.

[feralkittymom]

Maybe when you get the letter, her reasoning will be clearer. I'm glad she agreed that your relationship needs to be more solid. When she says you need to be more present and get more from the sessions, I think she's referring to what I said on your other thread about internalizing. Doing that relies on felt emotion, not intellectual beliefs. It's a felt sense in your bones that can then be summoned up as necessary when you're not in contact. It's not an experience that can be rationalized into existence. It resides within the emotions experienced of the other person in their presence. Touching the limbic system. Maybe that's why she wants to focus on an issue other than the relationship, so that you can feel her care about you directly. I think you will miss an opportunity if you focus on something inconsequential because it won't effect you deeply enough.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Maybe when you get the letter, her reasoning will be clearer. I'm glad she agreed that your relationship needs to be more solid. When she says you need to be more present and get more from the sessions, I think she's referring to what I said on your other thread about internalizing. Doing that relies on felt emotion, not intellectual beliefs. It's a felt sense in your bones that can then be summoned up as necessary when you're not in contact. It's not an experience that can be rationalized into existence. It resides within the emotions experienced of the other person in their presence. Touching the limbic system. Maybe that's why she wants to focus on an issue other than the relationship, so that you can feel her care about you directly. I think you will miss an opportunity if you focus on something inconsequential because it won't effect you deeply enough.

Your first sentence that I have put in bold fascinates me. I definitely have had that felt sense many times before, but unfortunately I've also had the flipside of feeling uncertainty bone deep too. Both are real. I never know which one my mind will choose.

I agree with the second sentence too, but I simply can't launch into sexual trauma. That would be mind boggling.

Maybe something significant and important but that I also would be comfortable with calling friends about to connect with, such as losing my mother to cancer. But the grief doesn't always hit me, it comes and goes, and I feel uncomfortable with the idea of willing myself to feel all that pain during a spell where I'm coping fine with it. Even then...god I don't know.

I read these boards and see so many lovely, brave people who pour their heart out and confront their pain in their sessions and then feel devastated about it whenever they have to manage that by themselves week on week.

[feralkittymom]

Being present doesn't necessarily mean emoting painfully throughout a session. I don't think it's even possible to will yourself to emote. But engaging a topic and being willing to not shut down if painful emotions surface is a different matter. Avoiding topics because they're too difficult or because they're not bothersome enough right now creates an emotional void within session. Under those circumstances, it's understandable that a T won't engage in communication outside of session. The more you use your session time in emotionally productive ways, the more likely it will be that she may become available in some capacity outside of sessions.

I totally get why you are reluctant to work on trauma with just one hour a week and no between session contact. In general, I don't think between session contact or extra sessions are all that helpful, especially when it feeds an attachment that keeps creating more and more problems for the client, but I can't imagine a therapist who would not provide that extra support when working on trauma.

As your therapist said she will absolutely not provide that support if you get into trauma work?

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Being present doesn't necessarily mean emoting painfully throughout a session. I don't think it's even possible to will yourself to emote. But engaging a topic and being willing to not shut down if painful emotions surface is a different matter. Avoiding topics because they're too difficult or because they're not bothersome enough right now creates an emotional void within session. Under those circumstances, it's understandable that a T won't engage in communication outside of session. The more you use your session time in emotionally productive ways, the more likely it will be that she may become available in some capacity outside of sessions.

I agree with you. I do go in and try to engage, but I can't help shutting down as soon as I start to panic and feel the pain start to rear up in my chest. I 100% cannot stop it happening.

This is the reason I get so hopeless that I can do therapy 'correctly.' I need time and patience no T has to allow me to get secure enough to even look sideways at allowing painful emotions to occur in the session. The hour stresses me out insanely because I don't have time to thaw. I don't do it on purpose - Christ knows, if I could just go in there and do it, feel pain and cry and connect and have it all witnessed, I would! But I can't.

Actually I have deep anxiety about time in general. I either allow myself lots of time for things (like getting up at 5am when I don't need to leave the house until 8am) or push it to the last minute and get up at 7.45am.

Getting more and more convinced that overstimulation and sensory issues are part of my problem and exacerbating shut down.

Originally Posted by licketysplit

I totally get why you are reluctant to work on trauma with just one hour a week and no between session contact. In general, I don't think between session contact or extra sessions are all that helpful, especially when it feeds an attachment that keeps creating more and more problems for the client, but I can't imagine a therapist who would not provide that extra support when working on trauma.

As your therapist said she will absolutely not provide that support if you get into trauma work?

Well, it's not total lack of contact - if I send her an email or a text she will sometimes send a one line reply back. Sometimes not. I technically could call in crisis, but she is in sessions all her working hours and doesn't respond now outside those times. The last couple of times I have asked for a phone check in or an extra session she can't fit me in, so I suppose I don't have any faith that there'd be any support there.

This is all alright for now, in that when I get no response I just kind of shrug it off and I don't worry she's dead or hates me or anything. I just figure she's busy or finds whatever I'm wittering on about a bit annoying.

BUT if I open a can of sexual assault worms, that uncertainty won't be helpful.

[IndestructibleGirl]

To be fair, she did reply with a positive 'I'm so pleased that worked' kind of reply this morning in response to an email I sent when I woke up in a panicky place at 4.30 this morning and managed to do something instead of taking more diazepam. I truly do appreciate it and at the same time register the fact it's not as warm as they used to be, even leaving out length.

I feel like one of those cuckoo chicks. an interloper wedged in the nest, always with their beak open wanting more and more

[feralkittymom]

I do go in and try to engage, but I can't help shutting down as soon as I start to panic and feel the pain start to rear up in my chest. I 100% cannot stop it happening.

The panic isn't unusual. I didn't experience that so consciously only because I dissociated so quickly! Is she aware when this is happening to you, or do you mask it? That panic and how it manifests for you is a great topic to address. The anxiety about time is another great topic.

I found most sessions to be quite painful. And at first, it felt impossible to contain that pain to 60 minutes a week. But as the work progressed, a kind of rhythm and sense of containment did develop that made it easier. And my T was very good at containment. I think the sense that the connection grew stronger as the pain escalated was part of it. But although the groundwork was laid before the work got too deep, (and I think the alliance grew strong throughout the period of depression which was probably like an anesthetic) the connection definitely grew deeper in relation to the depth of the work.

I wonder how much of this is you anticipating the worst happening: anticipating that you'll fall apart and not be able to handle it coupled with the fear that you will not be able to handle it without your T there as a constant presence (and unfortunately you got used to her being an almost constant presence when she was allowing so many hours of contact every week). That anticipation, that "what if", that catastrophizing that the worst will happen and you won't be able to handle it seems to be paralyzing you.

You might be surprised to find out that you are more able to handle it than you realize. You might be surprised to know that it is possible to get emotional in a session and keep it fairly contained to the session, or if it doesn't stay contained, you can learn healthy ways to cope and manage on your own without needing your therapist to do it for you all the time. These are skills that can be learned.

If your therapist hasn't worked with you on building those kinds of skills, that may be where she needs to start before you explore your history too deeply, or at least she should be able to help you learn to limit your exposure to trauma work to small, more manageable doses.

It took me a LONG time to work through my history working a session at a time, a week at a time, but in a way, it was more manageable that way. I honestly cannot imagine the amount of hours you were spending in session being healthy for me. I would have been overwhelmed and emotionally spent. I don't think I could have functioned beyond that many hours of therapy a week. Can you consider that slowing this down, reducing the contact, might actually make working through this more emotionally manageable because it won't be constantly in your face like it was when you were constantly in session all the time? Your sessions can actually take on a more deliberate, measured focus in smaller doses rather than being like a marathon. Just a different perspective to consider.