[peaches100]

Those of you who have read my recent threads know that I'm struggling with a month-long separation from my t. My attachment issues are severe and deep. Although I try hard to hang onto the good feeling of connection with her, the longer the separation lasts and I don't see her, the harder it is to maintain an emotional awareness that the relationship still exists.

The sense that my t is still "with me" begins to slip away like grains of sand in an hourglass, until I begin to feel numb and emotionless, detached, disconnected.

It is actually less painful when it finally happens, but sadly, it is also like not being fully alive. I wrote a poem today about how it feels. Maybe some of you with disorganized attachment can relate.


WITHOUT

Your presence fades
like light after sunset
ebbing away slowly
until i can't see
your face in my mind

in the darkness
my heart sleeps
lying still as death
i can't wake it up
or feel anymore

i seek our connection
but cannot find it
i hold a cord
attached to nothing
when i pull it
it tangles at my feet

in my hand
sits a porcelain dog
smooth, cool, and white
like the snow outside

i hold it and try
to remember you
i grasp but you are
out of reach

time has passed by
taking you with it
somewhere along the way
i've lost you

the mourning dove
sings my grief
and coos the words
i cannot speak

Hi Peaches, what a beautiful and well expressed poem.
I am on a break from my T and I can relate very much. I also write poetry and find it to be hugely comforting and also distracting. Since I stopped seeing my T it has been an important outlet. You are obviously a talented poet; have you thought about sharing your poetry on a poetry sharing website? I do this and it is a wonderful hobby. I find the social aspect can help with the loneliness, and also the positive comments can be affirming and helpful.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful and heartfelt writing

[ScarletPimpernel]

That is so beautiful!

I wish I could describe feelings as well as you did. The poem definitely describes how I also feel when I lose a connection to someone.

Would you mind if I print this and read this to my Pdoc? I still don't know if I'll get one more appt with her, but if I do, this might help her understand better. If not, I respect your decision

[rainbow8]

Peaches, your poem is beautiful and touching. You are a very talented writer. I can feel the emotions in your words and I'm sorry it's how you feel now. I have felt that way about my T too.

[BonnieJean]

I really like that!

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

That is so beautiful!

I wish I could describe feelings as well as you did. The poem definitely describes how I also feel when I lose a connection to someone.

Would you mind if I print this and read this to my Pdoc? I still don't know if I'll get one more appt with her, but if I do, this might help her understand better. If not, I respect your decision

ScarletPimpernel,

Sure, I don't mind if you share it with your t. Just don't publish it since I'm hoping at some point to write a book of my therapy experience that will likely contain some of my poetry.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Hi Peaches, what a beautiful and well expressed poem.
I am on a break from my T and I can relate very much. I also write poetry and find it to be hugely comforting and also distracting. Since I stopped seeing my T it has been an important outlet. You are obviously a talented poet; have you thought about sharing your poetry on a poetry sharing website? I do this and it is a wonderful hobby. I find the social aspect can help with the loneliness, and also the positive comments can be affirming and helpful.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful and heartfelt writing

Hi EchoesMyron,

I've thought about participating in a poetry sharing Web site, but what I would really like is to publish my poetry and make some money from it. (Har de har de har!

I probably have 50-75 poems written. My husband keeps badgering me to just put them together and "get them out there" on Amazon or something. But I'm not sure that's the best way to present them. It seems like they would fit in better in a book written about how I came to have problems with mental illness, experiences in treatment, therapy relationship, and progress made. I thought I could supplement the description of my journey with specific poems and snippets from sessions to illustrate the points I'm making.

Problem is, I don't really have time to write the book I'm envisioning because I work full-time and I think my husband would have a very hard time allowing me the number of undisturbed hours I would need to write it. When I'm home, he likes to be with me and likes my attention. . .(what can I say? he's an only child! )

Also, I'm an introvert, and just the thought of having to go out and market my book, make contacts, give readings, etc., etc., really goes against my grain.

I keep thinking maybe in a few more years when I'm eligible to retire. . .or maybe I just need a good kick in the pants and a "write 1 page a day" plan."

Of course, I'd have to write with a pseudoname. Otherwise, I would feel badly about airing my own deep weaknesses, and my parents' failings, for the world to see. I'm sure people who know me in 3D life would be totally shocked to find out what goes on in my head. Plus, I wouldn't want to, y'know. . . start a or

By the way, I'd LOVE to read some of your poems!

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Peaches, your poem is beautiful and touching. You are a very talented writer. I can feel the emotions in your words and I'm sorry it's how you feel now. I have felt that way about my T too.

Hi Rainbow,

Thanks for the kind words. I've read some of your poetry as well, as you are also a very good writer, as well as a painter. I couldn't paint a "paint by number" without a good deal of difficulty. Even my stick figures are hard to interpret. I remember one time I played Pictionary with some friends, back when it was popular. I was trying to draw a high-heel shoe. My team partner guessed it was a pork chop. That's when I knew I'd never be a Picasso!

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

I really like that!

Bonnie Jean,

Thanks so much. I'm glad you liked it.

[peaches100]

Here's another one about detachment:

Frozen Captive

For 4 months I’ve been held captive
trapped at the bottom of a rocky cavern
where I’ve forgotten how colors look
the striking blue of the sky eludes me
everything has become the gray-green
of the limestone walls that surround me
I am safe here but very cold
nothing can touch me now
except the icy fingers of resignation

oh exile, my familiar friend
grasp me in your frozen grip
caress me with your cold hands
numb my burning pain
embrace me until I become one
with the limestone walls that surround me

oh exile, lock out pain and memory
transform feeling into stony strength
derived from your timeless walls
where no fear or need may enter
where the only tears are rivulets of water
leaking down cavern sides and
dripping from rocky terraces

You are very talented, thank you for sharing I find it so hard to write flowing free verse like that; your use of language is great.
I am also thinking about putting together a book of my therapeutic journey, which would mostly be poetry but illustrated by some of my collage art. I don't know if I'd like to go down the route of marketing it etc either, like you I lack confidence with that sort of thing, although I recently joined local writing group and they've asked me to read one of my poems at a poetry reading next month
I am reluctant to put my poems on PC because I publish them on poetry websites online under my own name (I still retain the copyright) and I would be worried that someone who knows me might google my poem and find my PC profile. I've written a lot of stuff on here that most people in my life don't know. Paranoid, maybe
Could I PM you a link to a couple of my poems online?

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

You are very talented, thank you for sharing I find it so hard to write flowing free verse like that; your use of language is great.
I am also thinking about putting together a book of my therapeutic journey, which would mostly be poetry but illustrated by some of my collage art. I don't know if I'd like to go down the route of marketing it etc either, like you I lack confidence with that sort of thing, although I recently joined local writing group and they've asked me to read one of my poems at a poetry reading next month
I am reluctant to put my poems on PC because I publish them on poetry websites online under my own name (I still retain the copyright) and I would be worried that someone who knows me might google my poem and find my PC profile. I've written a lot of stuff on here that most people in my life don't know. Paranoid, maybe
Could I PM you a link to a couple of my poems online?

EchoesMyron,

Absolutely, you can PM me a couple of your poems! I would be honored to read them and glad you were wiling to share them with me.

Peaches