my story trigger warning and warning very long

WARNING TRIGGER*****************

so sorry for the length. i will break up into paragraphs. so the reason behind this purge is i really feel my diagnosis is in my history and i have been reluctant to tell T or Pdoc the full story. i am aware this hinders their ability to effectively help me as well as prescribe the correct meds. i would like some input on what i should tell and whether or not it would be too much for one session ( i go weekly starting this coming week). here goes

as a young child, before school age, i had begun masturbating. didnt know what it was just did it cuz it felt good and made me feel good. it was a big no no and i got in trouble a lot for it. i am 28 now so i was an 80s baby. my father was very into abusive discipline. i was very close with my mothers father until he died when i was 5. when he was around he was the only person i went to. i was also an identical twin to my sister.

just before 6 my twin was diagnosed with stage 4 hodgkins lyphoma in her left lung, they gave her 6months. it was treated aggressively with chemo and full body radiation. she relapsed a few times. one relapse for the hodgkins in the lung, cancer in her collar bone, cancer that destroyed her humerous for her left arm and its grwth plate, and finally myodysplaysia(form of pre leukemia). after many surgeries, 2 bone marrow transplants (from a forced me), lifetime supplies of specific chemos, and a lot of very damaging radiation she finally went into remission and never relapsed.

though all this many things happened, many of which i have never spoken about but i am here.. when i was 5 i remember my cousin kissing me, hes a yr older.my father started drinking heavily. he was home sunday night thru friday night when my sister was int he hospital which was very frequently. i wasnt allowed to stay at friends houses, their parents smoked. my older sister was able to stay at her friends a lot, but she isnt an important thing here yet. i remember a lot of beatings and chokings and threats.i became very isolated and withdrew into myself sharing nothing with anyone. a lot of this time is a blank. i remember being held down on the ground a lot and hits with anything around especially leather belt and their metal ends.

in 1st grade i convinced a boy to pull his pants down. i have no idea y or how i did it but it was just the beginning to school problems.in 2nd grade i raced a boy in the hallway and he tripped me so i caught up and slammed his face into the wall. i got in trouble for that since my teacher had come out and seen it. 3rd grade i sat next to a boy who was labeled behavioral problem. he pulled his junk out and put my hand on it. my sisters 1st bone marrow transplant. 4th grade a girl i knew was being made fun of cuz her mom died. to this day we still dont know if it was murder or suicide. anyways i get in the middle and tell boys to back off, he swung and i unleashed. i got in school suspension for fighting her got outside suspension for starting it. 5th grade i was dared to kiss a boy under the teachers desk during a movie when he left the room. also that yr i got suspended for drawing a pitchfork in a yr book, gang sign here.

every 3rd friday of the month was a cancer support group i was forced to attend. i spoke to no one and stayed to myself. no one cared about me anyways, adults talked when iwas around like i was deaf or not there. i over heard some hospital social workers say that it was unlikely id live to graduate HS. they thought id commit suicide. i was in quite a lot of fights in grade school due to kids making fun and bullying my sister.

dont remember 6th grade. 7th grade my gym teacher tried to get me expelled for being insubordinate. a boy had took the ball a group of us were playing with and i was chasing him to get it back.teacher asked what was going on and i stated just that and she called my mother and the principle and requested i be expelled. she was a *****! my basketball coach that yr was a man and he would walk into the locker room while we were changing. this is the yr for 2nd bone marrow transplant. i wasnt told until too late to find another donor. i ran and locked myself in a bathroom outside the icu. my mother comes knocks on door and says fine dont do it but u go back in there hold ur sisters hand and tell her and watch her die. i was 11. also whenii was 11 the same cousin that kissed me as a child somehow convinced me to remove my clothes and he raped me.

8th grade again i found myself almost expelled. i got in the middle of a fight to break it up since one was a friend and threatened to kill another girl. well teacher comes in and wants to know whats going on. other supposed friends of mine stated i threatened to kill the girl. she gets police escort home everyday for the rest of the yr and has her father pick her up. i didnt get expelled liars came forth and told the truth. they were never my friends again and i withdrew into myself yet again.

HS was a blurr. lots of honors and AP classes. i knew i was a lesbian so i stuck to myself. i got into pot and alcohol. i didnt really belong to anything yet was a part of a lot. in was a science geek.i was president of the science club(i had no responsibilities), co captain of science team(just because i own the most medals at competitions), joined art club to try and finish projects(they never got done), played softball. never studied, never did HW, and skipped a lot of classes. summer ball we lost the championship game and the other team taunted me. i ran away to be alone so i wouldnt kill them. someone called my father and told him i ran away when i hadnt. i got home and he stormed out of the house. i ran he yelled if i didnt come back hed run me down with the car. i walk in the house he punches me in the face and head, i start to black out.

graduating hs and went as far away from my family and life here as i could. i went 7,000 miles away to hawaii. went to college her but did dreadful. i was always stoned or drunk. i did lab reports and labs and papers very well but not tests. heres where some real trigger begin. i only blacked out once that i recall. some of this friends have informed me of my behavior. here goes.

i spent a lot of time on military bases drunk. its what they did and its what i did with one of my female friends. now remember i know im a lesbian yet i tried so hard not to be. i drank a lot. one night i was partying off post with some naval guys. we drank and sword fought with real swords. somehow i wound up in bed with not 1 but 2 of them. i do not remember how that happened. one minute having fun next 2 guys are banging me.

of course lesson not learned cuz im just dumb. drank with other miltary and wound up having a guy on me and i do remember saying no. it was ignored i left as soon as possible. lesson learned? of course not im thick headed. another night drank more and wound up being raped by another. then i go to bathroom and am followed in and almost raped yet again. never went back to base again. i learned.

hanging out with friends im drunk and go to sleep. i awake to find a friend had taking my hand and was jacking himself off with it. i stay silent and wait for it to end. another time(this consensual) i just want to be straight so i have a guy friend and i decide to have sex with him. ive recently reconnected and he says it wasnt just once but multiple times. i have no recollection.

sorry so long. im not finished yet but im exhausted since i dont sleep well. i dont know when ill finish my story or if i will. i need to see if i have fallout from this. should i let T who ive been seeing for 3yrs in a bit to this?

Why wouldnt you tell your t?

I am so sorry.

Yes, tell her, but take your time with it and don't feel you have to get it all out in one shot. Your sister's illness and death, by itself, is enough to have thrown your family into chaos and set you up for a lot of pain and vulnerability to be used by others.

I'm glad you're taking a step to resolve this. I've read your posts for some time and know that you're in a lot of pain. Be well.

I'm sorry you went through all that. Some I could relate to, but others, I can't even imagine the pain.

I relate to the childhood sexual acts. And I also was told I would kill myself before graduating h.s. (by my counselor). I recently went through my year books...one of my friends wrote to try not to kill myself in my senior yr. book

I do think you should tell your T...if you feel safe and ready. I'm glad that you were brave to write it all here. I want you to know you're a survivor and that you are strong for making it through all of that (even if you don't feel that way).

This is all important stuff to take to T, when you are ready. This is a marathon not a sprint and you don't have to disclose everything at once or anything until you want to.
I just want to reassure you that the risky behaviour you describe in your teenage years is totally normal for somebody who had suffered the traumas of your childhood. I too engaged in similar behaviour and was abused.
None of this is your fault. You were reacting to a horrible situation and looking for escape. You sound like a very intelligent woman and it is wonderful that you want to resolve this trauma in therapy. The path to healing begins here. Just take it at your own pace.

ok time for me to continue. ****TRIGGER WARNING*****

i slept very little. i would have class at 7am until sometimes 9pm mon-fri. then i went out. i would drink or get stoned until 3-4am before i headed back to my room and slept maybe an hr. i even went my first spring break in hawaii awake and working on lab reports and papers. i didnt sleep the entire break. i had also got turned onto cocaine but did it rarely and didnt have a problem. i also accidentally took X. i had a real bad headache and my friend gave me some aspirin but it wasnt aspirin. knowing what it does i kinda freaked out but then just let it go and enjoyed the ride. i also had my first and last experience with shrooms. half the time was a blast but i was completely non functional, and the other half i was in excruciating pain. i completely depleted all my finances and lived paycheck to paycheck to pay for the pot and alcohol.

im an active person even when stoned (i rearranged rooms and did hw and hiked stoned), i gotta say the injuries i had in 2 yrs was weird. i punctured a lung, fractured and dislocated my foot (surfing), and fractured and dislocated my jaw (basketball took an elbow).

so i came back mainland cuz my twin had separation anxiety and the longer i was a way the worse her health got. her heart meds had allowed her heart efficiency to go from 25% to 32%. taking my finals for the last time in hawaii was dreadful. i was extremely ill. i have no idea how high my fever was but i could feel the heat from my head and i was so cold. i took my final like this. needless to say i didnt do so well. im actually suprised i i found the room since hallucinations had started. my flight home was a few hrs after my finals so i got a ride from a friend after the tests. i felt my fever break on the way to the airport and i felt so much better.

it didnt last. the first ascent we reached altitude my fever was back. i was miserable. i didnt know what was going on so i wrote my mothers phone number on my arm just in case something happened. landed in phoenix and it was freezing, all i had was a hoodie. my head felt like it was under water. i had one more lay over in denver and then landed in the midwest. when i landed i realized i couldnt hear a damn thing. i was completely deaf. and was like that for 3 days. it was great in a way cuz then i couldnt hear anything bad going on at home.i have very sensitive hearing to this day and i always heard everything which is a reason sleep is difficult.

sorry now more bad stuff and a little bit rewind. so i slept poorly as a child as far as i can remember. i know i was up very late as a child but was always up by 5am. when both my parents were home i could hear him hit her and yell. but then there was more. i heard him rape her every night. telling her it was her wifely duty whether she wanted to or not. he would threaten her saying he would throw her out on the streets or throw us kids out into prostitution. he even threatened to kill her or us.

i left again not long after i got back to mainland. i got a girlfriend and we moved in together. it was a very toxic relationship. i am a trained fighter (my uncle taught me), but i feared being my father so much that when she started to abuse me i wouldnt fight back. i became very withdrawn and cut very badly. again i found my way back into pot and never had enough money for bills. i always bought drugs first. at my first place with this person she wound up allowing a friend of hers to stay with us and help pay. this person never paid. she claimed another friend raped her and she called her thug BF and he came with a gun and stuck it in all our faces.

i stared the barrel down (the safety was on or so i think it was on). cops came he left "rapest" arrested. when this friend was at work the next day we packed up our stuff and left. next place same stuff. abuse and cutting. ppl were over once and she said some messed up stuff to me and i took the knife and cut so bad i had to stand in the tub and raise my arm and add pressure to stop it. i shouldve gone to er but didnt. it freaked everyone out and they all said i was crazy. last straw she trapped me in a bathroom with her and the hair dryer was on (im claustrophobic). i tried to leave she wouldnt let me. she shoved me and i tripped over the toilet and almost hit my head on the tub. i saw red and swung. i escaped.

not long after this my sister died in my arms. she had a DNR signed but i did CPR anyways.my mom was there and she was hysterical. EMTs came and shocked her and got blood all over the floor. that night i went out and started drinking. i drank all my money away every time i had any. i stopped smoking cuz i started to get very paranoid and started to hallucinate. i didnt go to class for a week. my teachers just passed me in everything. later that yr before i left for the last time with my now wife, my lap top crashed. my father was a computer tech so i took it to him. hed been drinking and after a while he stuck his hand in pants and said if he couldnt get it from my mother hed get it from me. i got away, told my mom and she just smirked and shook her head.

the following yr i got a frantic call from my older sister, she couldnt get a hold of our mom(theyve always been close). found out my father was arrested. he was caught in a child porn ring by the state. he was granted bond, i told my mom him or me. she answered by bailing him out. he wound up getting 4yrs. he was out in 3 months due to overpopulation.

recently i reconnected with one of my fav teachers and he told me he knew i was so messed up every day. he knew i was drinking on breaks and going back to class. he said he pulled me aside a bunch of times but i remember none of this. i drove drunk everyday and was very lucky i didnt kill or hurt anyone.

well i think thats everything. this was probably good for me but now i have nightmares that are very hard to remember but i wake upset 3-4x a night. i know everyone says telling our stories makes us take away the power it has over us. i feel all it does is make me feel sick and gives me migraines all day every day.

well i have T today and i printed out my whole story. im still unsure if i will give it to her or not or maybe a pg. i think ive been quietly freaking out all day. it started this morning while i was creating something for work and has been off and on all day. i am calm on the outside but inside im screaming and my chest feels tight and my mind is racing and im shaking.

whatever ill get over it.

So I printed my story out and gave to T last Wednesday. Now it's Monday and I have to face her. I am distraught. I don't want to go into her office. I want to go home and never come back. I told it and I don't want to face it. It figures since I won't even go to a real dr more than once. The questions the questions the questions they never stop! I'm fine with questions here, it's anonymous, but in person I'm no longer just a name I'm a person.