[growlithing]

Hi. I've been away for a while. I haven't made any progress at all with anything. Except I guess I've cut back on drinking. I still probably drink too much.

In mid February, LCM is going to India for two weeks and I am already upset. We communicate nearly every day and have communicated at least a few times a week for almost a year and a half. This will be the longest I've gone without being able to talk to her and I don't want her to go.

[kaliope]

wow, i can understand why you are upset. that would be a long to go without contact. i wonder if she has email and you would be able to communicate that way. is this a possibility?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by kaliope

wow, i can understand why you are upset. that would be a long to go without contact. i wonder if she has email and you would be able to communicate that way. is this a possibility?

She does but she said she's not sure she'll be able to access it and that she won't access it frequently. She is pretty laptop adverse.

[wotchermuggle]

Perhaps you should try to reframe the situation a bit. Look at it from the perspective that you have two weeks vacation from therapy and it's an opportunity to see how well you can use other coping skills to manage with day to day life. Maybe have LCM help you come up with activities to fill up your week with. Maybe you could write letters to her in a journal while she is gone.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

Perhaps you should try to reframe the situation a bit. Look at it from the perspective that you have two weeks vacation from therapy and it's an opportunity to see how well you can use other coping skills to manage with day to day life. Maybe have LCM help you come up with activities to fill up your week with. Maybe you could write letters to her in a journal while she is gone.

Yeah, I liked writing her letters when she went out of town while I was still inpatient. I forgot about that. It was just for a week after I had only known her for a few weeks but I hated it. I got attached to her very quickly. But I used the time while she was away to bond with my substitute therapist which was good. It couldn't replace LCM and it still hurt that she wasn't there, but I loved when she came back a lot. This was back before I had her number and sub therapist told me that LCM texted her a lot to ask how I was doing. I imagine she'll email me at least once if she can. I still really don't want her to go.

[~Christina]

She is taking probably a much needed vacation , you can and will be able to function, its only 2 weeks. Write in your journal. Get outside. Keep yourself busy. This will allow you time to just focus on finding a trauma T.

Everyone needs time off /vacation.

To keep with the letter writing idea, i wonder if she would be open to writing a few small notes with different dates on during the break and you could hold on to them and open them on those dates, so it would feel like continued communication.

[A Red Panda]

Having two weeks with no contact with someone is healthy and a good thing for you to learn. I'd recommend just trying to live a life without your LC, not writing her emails or letters or sending texts, or asking for notes to be left. She's your life coach and should be helping you with things, so consider this another learning experience!

Plus, it's only two weeks. In the grand scheme of things, it's a super short time! And she does deserve to have a vacation without having to work during it.

Welcome back to PC btw. Glad to see if you're cutting back on drinking! But sad to hear that you've still not gotten yourself an actual therapist.

[JaneTennison1]

Use this time to achieve more. Don't wait for her to come back so you can show what a mess you've felt or how you fell apart, use it to work on you. A break is healthy time apart. Write down how you feel so you can work on those feelings later.

[scorpiosis37]

I agree with Red Panda and JaneTennison. Maybe you could even decide upon a couple of goals to accomplish while your LC is gone. For instance, find yourself a T. Do exercise. Clean your room. Don't drink. Agree upon a goal or two with your LC, and then work on that task while she is gone. Imagine how proud she would be if you really accomplished something while she was gone! And imagine how proud you would be of yourself. You really do have the ability to make progress and thrive during this break; it's just a matter of choosing to do so.

Like others have said, a break is healthy. It's good for you to take the reigns and use your own coping skills--- and it is a much needed vacation, away from work, for her!

[CrimsonBlues]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I agree with Red Panda and JaneTennison. Maybe you could even decide upon a couple of goals to accomplish while your LC is gone. For instance, find yourself a T. Do exercise. Clean your room. Don't drink. Agree upon a goal or two with your LC, and then work on that task while she is gone. Imagine how proud she would be if you really accomplished something while she was gone! And imagine how proud you would be of yourself. You really do have the ability to make progress and thrive during this break; it's just a matter of choosing to do so.

Like others have said, a break is healthy. It's good for you to take the reigns and use your own coping skills--- and it is a much needed vacation, away from work, for her!

Good points.

I remember when my therapist would go on vacation I would feel the initial panic and sadness, wondering what would I do without them. And then, after a bit of time passed, I would begin to feel a little stronger as I managed on my own to get through the day. I also started to write out a 'to do' list. It didn't matter how simple the items on the list were, such as-taking a shower, washing clothes-whatever it was. What mattered was the feeling of accomplishment and inner strength (no matter how small) that I felt when I could check off a completed event. It's hard when we feel so attached but I agree with those who have posted here, maybe this break could be turned around into something positive, to rely on yourself and to maybe widen your support sources.

[ScarletPimpernel]

This would be a good opportunity to show your LCM that you have learned from her and her time and effort spent with her is worth while. You can do this. It doesn't mean it will be easy. But I think it's something that is long overdue for you to experience. If you want to be emotionally healthy, you will need to one day learn how to function on your own (not saying that day is in a month, year, etc. Just one day...).

[growlithing]

I'm not sure if I've made much improvement. I'm not even sure she's sure. I know I won't get into trouble and cut again. But idk about much anything else.

[A Red Panda]

Well now's the time to see. Make yourself a to-do list for while she's gone - one for every day. Including simple things like "shower" "take out garbage" and bigger ones like "call a T".

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Well now's the time to see. Make yourself a to-do list for while she's gone - one for every day. Including simple things like "shower" "take out garbage" and bigger ones like "call a T".

I've given up on a T. Showering is still hard. But it's a good step

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

This would be a good opportunity to show your LCM that you have learned from her and her time and effort spent with her is worth while. You can do this. It doesn't mean it will be easy. But I think it's something that is long overdue for you to experience. If you want to be emotionally healthy, you will need to one day learn how to function on your own (not saying that day is in a month, year, etc. Just one day...).

No one day. I don't want her to ever leave. I don't want there to be a day when she's not a part of my life anymore. I need to feel like I have a mom.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by growlithing

No one day. I don't want her to ever leave. I don't want there to be a day when she's not a part of my life anymore. I need to feel like I have a mom.

But (and I say this with care) she's NOT your mom and never will be. This fantasy may be holding you back from real progress.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I've given up on a T.

Well, that's possible the most anti-productive thing I've heard you say. How many did you actually go and meet? If the answer is "none" then you need to make yourself some appointments and go to them. Even if you don't want to or have for some reason decided that they're not a good fit - it is impossible to know that without going to see them.

You have so much to work on that it is impossible for your unqualifed LC to handle it all. She doesn't have the training nor experience.

Make yourself. You're an adult.

Originally Posted by growlithing

No one day. I don't want her to ever leave. I don't want there to be a day when she's not a part of my life anymore. I need to feel like I have a mom.

You do have a mom. You just don't get on with her. You need to accept that. Your LC will NOT be a part of your life forever. You know that. You need to start acting like the adult that you are and get yourself some actual help. That does not mean to stop seeing your LC but you need actual, professional, help to assist you in navigating this obsession/transference along with everything else.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Well, that's possible the most anti-productive thing I've heard you say. How many did you actually go and meet? If the answer is "none" then you need to make yourself some appointments and go to them. Even if you don't want to or have for some reason decided that they're not a good fit - it is impossible to know that without going to see them.

You have so much to work on that it is impossible for your unqualifed LC to handle it all. She doesn't have the training nor experience.

Make yourself. You're an adult.



You do have a mom. You just don't get on with her. You need to accept that. Your LC will NOT be a part of your life forever. You know that. You need to start acting like the adult that you are and get yourself some actual help. That does not mean to stop seeing your LC but you need actual, professional, help to assist you in navigating this obsession/transference along with everything else.

I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I don't want to find one. I don't have time to see one, I don't have money to pay for one, I don't want to find one. I contacted around 15 and absolutely none of them had any time that fit into my schedule. I contacted multiple therapy centers and none of them had any that fit into my schedule. It's not gonna happen.

That woman is not s mother. A mother gives a **** about you which she does not. You don't know LCM or how qualified she is or isn't or that she is planning on not leaving me

[A Red Panda]

You've said before that she's not a qualified therapist.

And yeah, she is your mother. She's just a really s*** one. But she's the only one you have and unfortunately you can't replace her, no matter how much you're trying.

And why don't you want to find one? Do you really want to stay the way that you are when most all of your behaviours are harmful to you?

You've also said before that your parents pay for everything. How can they afford your LC and not afford an actual therapist?

Originally Posted by growlithing

I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I don't want to find one. I don't have time to see one, I don't have money to pay for one, I don't want to find one. I contacted around 15 and absolutely none of them had any time that fit into my schedule. I contacted multiple therapy centers and none of them had any that fit into my schedule. It's not gonna happen.

Then accept that things are probably going to remain the same way for you for a very long time. If you are cool with that, then obviously that is fine. However, you clearly do have time; the rest of us have full time jobs, children and other things we all find time to take care and still go to therapy. The time thing is an excuse. Also, you have repeatedly stated that your family will pay for things for you; it is the reason you give for not breaking away from your family. These things are excuses you are giving. If you are choosing not to make any changes, that is your choice, but in my opinion, you should own that choice.

[quote=growlithing;4234834That woman is not s mother. A mother gives a **** about you which she does not. You don't know LCM or how qualified she is or isn't or that she is planning on not leaving me[/quote]

Mother Definition

dictionary.search.yahoo.com
n. noun

1. A woman who gives birth to a child.
2. A woman whose egg unites with a sperm, producing an embryo.
3. A woman who adopts a child.

You have a mother. You also have a life coach who is neither qualified nor licensed as a therapist, and who is not related to you in any way, nor has she adopted you. She has told you specifically that she does not think of you as being her child. She has told you specifically that she cannot handle trauma and you should get a trauma therapist.


Lots of us have mothers who absolutely suck. Some of us have mothers who openly have said they wish we had never been born. Some of us have mothers who never gave us any real nurturing whatsoever. Some of us have mothers who actually tried to kill us on one or more occasions. Some of us have mothers who completely abandoned us. Some have mothers who were physically present, but that is about all. We all have our stuff, and I'm not at all saying you are not entitled to your stuff. I am saying that perhaps, if you want to happier or healthier, or make changes, a time comes when facing reality is the only way to do those things.

[ScarletPimpernel]

How would your LCM feel about reading this thread and what you wrote? That the only thing you really care about is her being a mother to you? If you truly care/love someone, you don't use them. You would care about their feelings, respect their boundaries and limitations, try to give back even if in some small way. By not trying to get better, you're hurting yourself and your LCM.

No one is saying get rid of her. We're only suggesting that you use this time to grow, mature, learn, progress, prove to yourself and LCM that her efforts have made a difference.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

How would your LCM feel about reading this thread and what you wrote? That the only thing you really care about is her being a mother to you? If you truly care/love someone, you don't use them. You would care about their feelings, respect their boundaries and limitations, try to give back even if in some small way. By not trying to get better, you're hurting yourself and your LCM.

No one is saying get rid of her. We're only suggesting that you use this time to grow, mature, learn, progress, prove to yourself and LCM that her efforts have made a difference.

I didn't say that I don't respect that she deserves the break or that she shouldn't take one. I want her to be happy and she deserves the break. She works so hard every single day. The selfish part of me just wants her to never fatigue and always be there for me. That's all I'm expressing in this thread.

I am trying to get better. I do what she asks for the most part. It's just really difficult.

[Elisabetta346]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Then accept that things are probably going to remain the same way for you for a very long time. If you are cool with that, then obviously that is fine. However, you clearly do have time; the rest of us have full time jobs, children and other things we all find time to take care and still go to therapy. The time thing is an excuse. Also, you have repeatedly stated that your family will pay for things for you; it is the reason you give for not breaking away from your family. These things are excuses you are giving. If you are choosing not to make any changes, that is your choice, but in my opinion, you should own that choice.



Mother Definition

dictionary.search.yahoo.com
n. noun

1. A woman who gives birth to a child.
2. A woman whose egg unites with a sperm, producing an embryo.
3. A woman who adopts a child.

You have a mother. You also have a life coach who is neither qualified nor licensed as a therapist, and who is not related to you in any way, nor has she adopted you. She has told you specifically that she does not think of you as being her child. She has told you specifically that she cannot handle trauma and you should get a trauma therapist.


Lots of us have mothers who absolutely suck. Some of us have mothers who openly have said they wish we had never been born. Some of us have mothers who never gave us any real nurturing whatsoever. Some of us have mothers who actually tried to kill us on one or more occasions. Some of us have mothers who completely abandoned us. Some have mothers who were physically present, but that is about all. We all have our stuff, and I'm not at all saying you are not entitled to your stuff. I am saying that perhaps, if you want to happier or healthier, or make changes, a time comes when facing reality is the only way to do those things.

Excellent post! Thank you for writing it! To OP listen to my kids are cool advice. It's spot on!! The obsessions with LCM and not wanting to go to therapy is not healthy! You have to learn to help yourself and become a healthy independent adult by doing that you have to except your circumstances and work in therapy to change things for the better ! You can do it, and have your LCM there as support in an appropriate way of course!

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[stopdog]

If, as I read your initital post, what you wanted from posting was just a place to post and say how you felt and to get some acknowledgment of missing someone feels bad - then indeed it is hard and I hope the time passes quickly for you.

I see nothing wrong with using this board to simply express things that may be unfortunate if acted upon, but useful to voice, without wanting others to say why it is wrong.

If you were looking for advice - others seem to have plenty for you.