[PaulaS]

I know it´s impossble to find a T who has the same problems and history as I have but at the same time I wonder how to put trust in a T who doesn´t share my problems in life?

As many in here already know, I´m looking for a new T and I´ve now met a few and had evaluation sessions. I met a T, she seems nice, open and rather competent. I´ve only met her once so I don´t have that much info. I do though know that she´s married and has two kids in the age around 20.

Of course I don´t know about her struggles in life but I´m at that age when she got kids and probably married or at least met the man she had kids with. I´m still single, I´ve always been single and that´s part of my struggle.

I keep thinking about what she could really know about having such a life as mine, probably not much. She can probably understand it intellectually but not emotionally. And I also think about her having a much more happy life than I do, my person and my problems will only be "work material" for her. If that makes sense to what I mean?

[stopdog]

I don't compare myself to the therapist. The big differences that I see if I try to do so is that I did not choose to be a therapist and she did for reasons I probably could not understand because the only reason I would ever choose to be a therapist is if it was that or be conscripted into the navy. They do not lead charmed lives. Their children are not problem free delights (the people I know who had therapists for parents are totally screwed up and complain vociferously about their parents). I am a middle aged lesbian with no children and I see two therapists who are in my parents' age range, straight, married and have children. I don't care if they know about the sort of life I lead. I don't see how that would change therapy one way or the other for me. I do not believe the therapist has a better life than I do.

It makes sense to me. I don't know my therapist's background or if we share similar histories (I would imagine not), but I don't question that she is capable of understanding. She's smart, well educated, experienced (in life and career) and specializes in my issues. That is enough to feel understood. I've seen and interviewed others where it was clear that we were worlds apart. You just have to go with your gut.

[JaneTennison1]

I would say don't judge. You can make assumptions but don't know. My T ended up being the complete opposite of the person I first thought.

Even if she does not have the same struggles she will have struggles of her own that you don't have.

If it doesn't feel right then don't stay but at the say time don't leave just because of what you imagine her life to be.

My take on this is that it doesn't necessarily matter what a person has gone through - some people are simply much better at understanding other people's struggles. and conversely, some people cannot understand other people at all, even if they have gone through the exact same thing. I can understand wanting a therapist who has been in the same situation, simply because it can perhaps make it easier for you to imagine that they can understand, and that might in turn make it easier for you to open up and trust them. But that comes from the client, not from the therapist. Whether the therapist can in fact understand you or not has very little to do with whether you've been in the same situation in life, I believe.

Originally Posted by Mastodon

My take on this is that it doesn't necessarily matter what a person has gone through - some people are simply much better at understanding other people's struggles. and conversely, some people cannot understand other people at all, even if they have gone through the exact same thing. I can understand wanting a therapist who has been in the same situation, simply because it can perhaps make it easier for you to imagine that they can understand, and that might in turn make it easier for you to open up and trust them. But that comes from the client, not from the therapist. Whether the therapist can in fact understand you or not has very little to do with whether you've been in the same situation in life, I believe.

This is a very good point. Also, a therapist who shares a similar history can make assumptions about yours that has more to do with them than you. We each experience the same thing differently. It's easy to stop listening if you think you know what the other person is about.

[SnakeCharmer]

The therapist I thought was most like me and most able to understand my point of view and my life turned out to be a dud. I left and didn't look back. She didn't have the professional or human skills I needed.

I got the most help from much older Ts, with practically every aspect of our lives different, except we were matched fairly well intellectually. They had those qualities you wrote about in the therapeutic love thread (although I never expected love and they never offered it.)

[feralkittymom]

My worst therapy experiences (with group Ts) were those who had experienced the same issues as members of the group. In all cases it was because they were inferior Ts who believed that their painful experiences trumped the need for extensive training. Therapy is more than empathy.

I do have to wonder: you've posted a number of threads all trying to define Ts as a way of choosing one. Yet you've been dissatisfied with all. Could it be that you simply are carrying issues about your past T that makes every T you meet unsuitable in some way? There really is a limit to how much we can assess before actually engaging with a T, yet your way of differentiating seems to keep you out of the equation. You've expressed the desire for a therapeutic relationship experience, so at some point, I think you need to risk experiencing the relationship. Beyond checking credentials and reputation, you need to let your core feelings in the room with the T guide you.

[scorpiosis37]

I agree with Mastadon and the others who have pointed out that a T does not have to share your experiences to understand them. I think a therapist's' ability to listen, empathize, and offer compassion and validation are FAR more important than her own life experiences. You also may be painting a rosy picture of what T's life is like that had very little to do with reality. Ts have personal problems too--- if they're ethical, they just don't broadcast them during session and make session about them! And just think about how many friends may have similar life experiences--- but can offer no insight, understanding, or help. It is a T's training that allows them to be useful to us-- not whether they have gone through the exact same thing.

When I began seeing my T, she said she was happily married with three kids. A year later, she got divorced and said she had been unhappy for years. She immediately jumped into a new relationship and claimed to have found the love of her life and everything that had always been missing with her husband. Six months later, she was single again. Her kids were very angry with her for disrupting their lives. My T does not have her own personal relationships figured out, nor is she any better at relationships than I am. In fact, now, I might think: "ive never married the wrong person and I've never been divorced." Assuming T lives a charmed existence is probably inaccurate. Just allow T to help you with your life, without comparing yourself to T or spending too much time thinking about Ts life. Your thoughts about her life are probably wrong anyway!

[PaulaS]

It´s a good point you make in that the T herself will have problems I don´t. I don´t put off a T because of what I believe about her life but I do think you have to have a feeling that there´s something "in common". A similar view on things perhaps, a mutual understanding around fundamental values.

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

I would say don't judge. You can make assumptions but don't know. My T ended up being the complete opposite of the person I first thought.

Even if she does not have the same struggles she will have struggles of her own that you don't have.

If it doesn't feel right then don't stay but at the say time don't leave just because of what you imagine her life to be.

[PaulaS]

It´s not quite true I´ve been dissatisfied with all T, I now have two T:s that I´m thinking of seeing again. But there´s still a lot I don´t know about them and I try to look into as many perspectives as possible.

My former T was a very good T and because of money I now have to see T:s that aren´t as educated as my former T. That makes me hesitant about them even if I know the education isn´t everything. The core feelings is one thing but the feelings may change and you then have to rely on the T:s other qualities. I mean, a feeling that a T´s nice isn´t enough.

My experience when looking for a new T is that you look for several things you see as essential but you don´t find all those qualities in the same T. Then whom to choose...

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

My worst therapy experiences (with group Ts) were those who had experienced the same issues as members of the group. In all cases it was because they were inferior Ts who believed that their painful experiences trumped the need for extensive training. Therapy is more than empathy.

I do have to wonder: you've posted a number of threads all trying to define Ts as a way of choosing one. Yet you've been dissatisfied with all. Could it be that you simply are carrying issues about your past T that makes every T you meet unsuitable in some way? There really is a limit to how much we can assess before actually engaging with a T, yet your way of differentiating seems to keep you out of the equation. You've expressed the desire for a therapeutic relationship experience, so at some point, I think you need to risk experiencing the relationship. Beyond checking credentials and reputation, you need to let your core feelings in the room with the T guide you.

[Favorite Jeans]

I imagine that if my therapist were currently facing the same issues that I'm dealing with, seeing me would be very triggering for her and she would not be so able to remain calm and helpful. Every now and again I feel like I'm bumping up against one of her issues and its evident precisely because I feel that she's suddenly less helpful and engages from a kind of "hooked" place instead of her usual pleasant caring detachment.

Truly I think a good therapist can empathize by extrapolating from their own emotional experience (they have felt pain before, they care that you are in pain) without having had to share your exact issue. Our circumstances vary a lot but emotions are pretty universal and if your T can tap into that and listen without judging, you're pretty much golden as far as I'm concerned.

Incidentally, variations on the "I'm afraid you can't or don't understand me" conversation make for great therapy, I think. It forces you to figure out why you feel so misunderstood and why you feel like no one can empathize with you (hint: how well did your parents understand you?) which can lead to some very painful and healing work. (Added bonus: if your T is really great they will leave you feeling cared for and understood in a way that is both reassuring in its warmth and unsettling in its unfamiliarity all of which is fodder for a good few years of work!)

[NowhereUSA]

I briefly had a T that shared my similar struggles. It was horrible. She kept over-identifying with me and it was weird.

My current T has never been depressed and doesn't have any mental illnesses, so he doesn't know what I'm experiencing exactly and yet, it's infinitely better. He listens, is empathetic... I don't need him to know what it feels like, I just need him to be a good T. As long as I feel heard and helped, it is what it is.

[catonyx]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

My take on this is that it doesn't necessarily matter what a person has gone through - some people are simply much better at understanding other people's struggles. and conversely, some people cannot understand other people at all, even if they have gone through the exact same thing. I can understand wanting a therapist who has been in the same situation, simply because it can perhaps make it easier for you to imagine that they can understand, and that might in turn make it easier for you to open up and trust them. But that comes from the client, not from the therapist. Whether the therapist can in fact understand you or not has very little to do with whether you've been in the same situation in life, I believe.

I agree with this.

To me it doesn't matter what they've been through. As long as they understand and are willing to work with me then that is all that matters. I figure as long as I am getting what I want out of therapy then I am working with the right person.

[PaulaS]

Very interesting viewpoints. I like the thought about the T:s having felt pain before and they then are able to know about the clients pain. For me I think it´s important a T can admit to this, they do not have to describe their own situation in detail but show they know the pain even if they have solved their issues long ago.

You have a very good point in that my uncertainty about a T being able to care for and understand me stems from childhood issues. I most often think people won´t completely understand me and that feeling worsened after being terminated by my former T. She should have been a person understanding me.

That there are universal feelings is an interesting thought as well, I agree to that they exist but I´m a bit unsure if all T:s are willing to express them and to show their compassion.

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

I imagine that if my therapist were currently facing the same issues that I'm dealing with, seeing me would be very triggering for her and she would not be so able to remain calm and helpful. Every now and again I feel like I'm bumping up against one of her issues and its evident precisely because I feel that she's suddenly less helpful and engages from a kind of "hooked" place instead of her usual pleasant caring detachment.

Truly I think a good therapist can empathize by extrapolating from their own emotional experience (they have felt pain before, they care that you are in pain) without having had to share your exact issue. Our circumstances vary a lot but emotions are pretty universal and if your T can tap into that and listen without judging, you're pretty much golden as far as I'm concerned.

Incidentally, variations on the "I'm afraid you can't or don't understand me" conversation make for great therapy, I think. It forces you to figure out why you feel so misunderstood and why you feel like no one can empathize with you (hint: how well did your parents understand you?) which can lead to some very painful and healing work. (Added bonus: if your T is really great they will leave you feeling cared for and understood in a way that is both reassuring in its warmth and unsettling in its unfamiliarity all of which is fodder for a good few years of work!)

[PaulaS]

I don´t really get how you as a client will know if a T understands or not. They may to a certain extent but if that´s enough, I think it´s hard to tell.

Originally Posted by catonyx

I agree with this.

To me it doesn't matter what they've been through. As long as they understand and are willing to work with me then that is all that matters. I figure as long as I am getting what I want out of therapy then I am working with the right person.

[catonyx]

Originally Posted by PaulaS

I don´t really get how you as a client will know if a T understands or not. They may to a certain extent but if that´s enough, I think it´s hard to tell.

Because I either feel understood or I don't. It is simple.

[clairelisbeth]

For me, it's helpful that my T is close to me in age. We get along well in that we have similar senses of humor, and I have a feeling that we would be friends if she weren't my T. However, I see her primarily for an eating disorder and I know that she herself never had one. That being said, she's the best therapist I ever had and has helped me enormously. I don't think its necessary for the T to have had similar problems to you to be helpful-I just think its necessary to click, and to connect.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I agree with some other the others. It really seems like you're trying to make Ts fit a mold. Can I assume you're trying to find a T who is a cloae replica of your previous T? I'm 99% certain you're not going to find what you're looking for.

Do you feel that the people on these forums understand you? Do you know the pains we've went through? Do you only feel a connection with people who have similar issues with you? Or do you find that you are able to empathize, relate, and connect to others even w/o the knowledge of their struggles?

You don't know all of our age, gender, education, experiences. But yet you feel comfortable posting here. Why? Can you feel that we care about you? That we want to help? That even if we say difficult truths or things that don't apply, that we are still being supportive of you.

I think, and I could be wrong, that you're really scared. If you are, I can relate. Many people pour out their heart to Ts. So we try to look for some sort of guarantee that we're safe. But there is no guarantee.

Let me give you an example. I have an extreme fear of men due to my past. I avoid most men. I don't even like men in my family to touch me. But the strange part: I feel 100% safe with my male tattoo artist tattooing me. He has tattooed both my thighs. I won't even show other people my tattoos there! But I'll let a guy touch and stick needles in me??? It's simply because my instinct is that he is safe. Nothing more.

That's how it is with a T. Do you feel safe? Do you feel they will respect your boundaries? Do you feel they can help you? It's all instinctual feelings. No facts. The more you try to find a T based upon some sort of criteria, the less likely it will be to find a T that you'll let in and trust. You're going to have to just take "a leap of faith" at some point. It's just how life is.

[PaulaS]

You´re right about that I look for specific traits in a T and it´s based on both what I liked with my old T and what I didn´t like and it´s also based on what I´ve read about different kinds of therapy.

I know there won´t be any clone but of course I seek out for things I like and you´re also right about me being afraid. I´m afraid I´ll begin therapy and then realise there was no good match between the T and me. As I have to pay for therapy myself I want to avoid spending a lot of money and then being thrown out on the street with another trauma.

I feel people in her understand me sometimes, sometimes not. Not everyone can understand all people who post topics in here but I feel of course support from people here at PC. I can´t generalise when it comes to feeling a connection with people who have other struggles than I do because it all depends on what struggles they write about.

You can´t feel cared for by everyone in here because some people have a view on things I can´t relate to. Still, it´s interesting reading all posts.

I know there can´t be a guarantee but it´s way too hard to find a T and to get enough support in a situation when the terapeutic relationship doesn´t work. I know many people in here can choose between T:s and the also get referrals, I didn´t.

I think it´s possible feeling safe with a T at one moment but not the next, I´ve experienced this with my former T. Even if a gut feeling is positive, it may change and that´s because I try to evaluate a lot of things besides the feeling and impression I get from the T. Positive feelings are my "starting-point" and if there are positive feelings I take other perspectives into account as well.

I know you´re right about having to take a "leap of faith" but when you´re hurt, sad and depressed it´s not easy doing that. I want a nice and competent T with all my heart but I don´t know how to make a decision that feels right.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I agree with some other the others. It really seems like you're trying to make Ts fit a mold. Can I assume you're trying to find a T who is a cloae replica of your previous T? I'm 99% certain you're not going to find what you're looking for.

Do you feel that the people on these forums understand you? Do you know the pains we've went through? Do you only feel a connection with people who have similar issues with you? Or do you find that you are able to empathize, relate, and connect to others even w/o the knowledge of their struggles?

You don't know all of our age, gender, education, experiences. But yet you feel comfortable posting here. Why? Can you feel that we care about you? That we want to help? That even if we say difficult truths or things that don't apply, that we are still being supportive of you.

I think, and I could be wrong, that you're really scared. If you are, I can relate. Many people pour out their heart to Ts. So we try to look for some sort of guarantee that we're safe. But there is no guarantee.

Let me give you an example. I have an extreme fear of men due to my past. I avoid most men. I don't even like men in my family to touch me. But the strange part: I feel 100% safe with my male tattoo artist tattooing me. He has tattooed both my thighs. I won't even show other people my tattoos there! But I'll let a guy touch and stick needles in me??? It's simply because my instinct is that he is safe. Nothing more.

That's how it is with a T. Do you feel safe? Do you feel they will respect your boundaries? Do you feel they can help you? It's all instinctual feelings. No facts. The more you try to find a T based upon some sort of criteria, the less likely it will be to find a T that you'll let in and trust. You're going to have to just take "a leap of faith" at some point. It's just how life is.

[PaulaS]

I understand your point fully but I still think it would be hard for me to relate to a T who has a successful career and so on when I don´t. I realise I´ll probably have to ignore those feelings if I meet a T I like and who seems competent.

I agree to that a T:s training makes him/her capable to understand a lot of different problems and feelings but for me it seems a bit "artificial". I mean, for example addressing issues around being single when the T has been married her whole adult life.

It´s interesting reading about your T and how her life changed and how she wasn´t that successful in her own relations. I would feel much more comfortable with such a T than a T that just talks about a successful career, perhaps tells me about grandchildren and so on.

When I understand a T (or anyone else I get to know more closely) have started out a successful career at my age or earlier I just feel it´s no worth trying to make things better. I feel my life is over anyway.

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I agree with Mastadon and the others who have pointed out that a T does not have to share your experiences to understand them. I think a therapist's' ability to listen, empathize, and offer compassion and validation are FAR more important than her own life experiences. You also may be painting a rosy picture of what T's life is like that had very little to do with reality. Ts have personal problems too--- if they're ethical, they just don't broadcast them during session and make session about them! And just think about how many friends may have similar life experiences--- but can offer no insight, understanding, or help. It is a T's training that allows them to be useful to us-- not whether they have gone through the exact same thing.

When I began seeing my T, she said she was happily married with three kids. A year later, she got divorced and said she had been unhappy for years. She immediately jumped into a new relationship and claimed to have found the love of her life and everything that had always been missing with her husband. Six months later, she was single again. Her kids were very angry with her for disrupting their lives. My T does not have her own personal relationships figured out, nor is she any better at relationships than I am. In fact, now, I might think: "ive never married the wrong person and I've never been divorced." Assuming T lives a charmed existence is probably inaccurate. Just allow T to help you with your life, without comparing yourself to T or spending too much time thinking about Ts life. Your thoughts about her life are probably wrong anyway!

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by PaulaS

...I know you´re right about having to take a "leap of faith" but when you´re hurt, sad and depressed it´s not easy doing that. I want a nice and competent T with all my heart but I don´t know how to make a decision that feels right.

I just want to say that I do understand. I understand the fear and the pain. Not 100% because no one can truly know what it's like to be in another's "shoes".

I have been hurt, used, violated, rejected, and abandoned by a lot of people. I don't trust people. I don't like letting anyone into my life, let alone my inner world. It's one of the reasons I have a strong urge to run away from anyone who I perceive even a slight threat. It's why I also get protective when I see anyone who I perceive is being picked on. I have an extreme "fight or flight" response (but I've never gotten physical with anyone...it's all emotional/verbal).

So even if I'm "right", I understand that it's easier said than done.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by PaulaS

I understand your point fully but I still think it would be hard for me to relate to a T who has a successful career and so on when I don´t. I realise I´ll probably have to ignore those feelings if I meet a T I like and who seems competent.

I agree to that a T:s training makes him/her capable to understand a lot of different problems and feelings but for me it seems a bit "artificial". I mean, for example addressing issues around being single when the T has been married her whole adult life.

It´s interesting reading about your T and how her life changed and how she wasn´t that successful in her own relations. I would feel much more comfortable with such a T than a T that just talks about a successful career, perhaps tells me about grandchildren and so on.

When I understand a T (or anyone else I get to know more closely) have started out a successful career at my age or earlier I just feel it´s no worth trying to make things better. I feel my life is over anyway.

I think that's part of the reason Ts don't disclose much information about themselves, because then they seem less like a professional who can advise or help you. If you sit in session discussing their children and their thriving career I don't see how that would be helpful to you as a client.

I think in some cases it can help when a T has some personal knowledge of a clients issues, especially in cases of marital issues, addiction and autism related or social skills. I don't think the t has to experience things themselves to truly "get it". They can learn through experience with other people like family members and learn an awful lot. It's true that some things can't be learned through academics.

If you want a T who really understands your particular issues maybe you can seek one out who specializes in social skills development and help with interpersonal relations. I don't know if there are many in your area but you can ask around. In your interviews with Ts this is something you can ask them about and stress how you need someone with expertise in this area. If you choose a T that is competent but doesn't have the right understanding of what it's like to need help socially, you may end up frustrated.

[tohelpafriend]

It is difficult to find the right T, and then again to know when to move on. I had been in T for about 6 years since my parents died, and since went through a few very serious traumatic events, trying to recover from each one. She knew all about that. Lately I started to feel too passive and some goals in the treatment plan were just not getting achieved. Also, the med management part of the program was a joke; I told a new Dr. I wanted to try something else after finding out about side effects, insomnia, eye problems, etc., with an atypical anti-d. She dismissed that. Then I find out I have some serious dental issues, due to a side effect from this same med!! I really think some docs just do not keep up with the research on meds and/or don't see one as a whole person. Anyway, I confronted my T last week about a comment she made in a previous session which i found demeaning. She got defensive, as she has before, consulted her notes and I mine. I said I wrote these notes the day after and she blew that off as if I didn't have perfect recall. So it escalated and she turned it around to my needing another app't. She flatly refused to admit her statement was negative and disparaging after a review of my various traumas. I think basically a good T has to have empathy for many situations a client has experienced in life and relationships. I felt she was always defensive if I challenged what was said in any way, and I will not pay anyone to speak negativity...that's abuse.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by PaulaS

I understand your point fully but I still think it would be hard for me to relate to a T who has a successful career and so on when I don´t. I realise I´ll probably have to ignore those feelings if I meet a T I like and who seems competent.

No--these are exactly the feelings that should be talked through in therapy. That's how you resolve the issues that bring you to therapy.

Originally Posted by PaulaS

I agree to that a T:s training makes him/her capable to understand a lot of different problems and feelings but for me it seems a bit "artificial". I mean, for example addressing issues around being single when the T has been married her whole adult life.

This puts the T's personal experience above professional experience. Out of therapy, a therapeutic relationship can grow; but the basis that makes that possible, is your growth, not the particulars of the T's personal experience.

Originally Posted by PaulaS

It´s interesting reading about your T and how her life changed and how she wasn´t that successful in her own relations. I would feel much more comfortable with such a T than a T that just talks about a successful career, perhaps tells me about grandchildren and so on.

When I understand a T (or anyone else I get to know more closely) have started out a successful career at my age or earlier I just feel it´s no worth trying to make things better. I feel my life is over anyway.

These are feelings that originate within you, not within the T. Therapy depends upon engagement, and it's where the parts that don't fit bump against each other and are explored, and in the resulting experience of acceptance and validation, that the gains of therapy are found. It really feels to me as though you're confusing the relationship with the process of therapy. But I don't think "perfect" therapeutic relationships are found; they can, however, grow through the process of therapy.