Today's session Part 3

I think you girls will be proud! I did manage to get out a lot of the thoughts I wanted to say today.

As soon as I arrived, he discussed my fax that I sent. He said that he was going to call and had to re-think it because then I might keep writing and calling which could become somewhat of a cycle.

If guess what I am learning here is that if he gives in to calling me between sessions then I won't learn to manage these feelings myself and become more independent. I should've asked though if I felt very of control can I call? I forgot to go there. I think the answer is yes because I've called before twice and he called back both times.

As for the attachment, I managed to say that it appears that he is uncomfortable at some of what I say and he changes the subject. He said that he is in no way uncomfortable and he loves that I am saying and doing what I am because it shows that I am working on all of this in between sessions. This is as close as I could get to "do you not want to engage in the transference with me"...maybe I can next time?

I asked him if my attachment scared him and he said no and kind of laughed in a good way.

I also told him that I felt some inconsistency in his analysis as to whether or not I'm getting better. One week, he thinks I am getting better and then next not so much. I feel like I have accomplished a lot in a year but the last few months have been rough...he agreed.

I also said that I'm nowhere near ready to talk about graduating therapy and is that what he expects, short term therapy? He said no that he and I make decisions about my sessions and outcome.

I forgot to ask why then he suggested 2x per week and then pulled it away. But I did tell him what effect this had on me.
I felt like he finally cared and then it was taken away. He said "you don't think I care about you"...and I said "no, I don't think anyone does really..."

This comes from my mom and dad. I never felt love and acceptance from them. There was always a motive behind what they said to me. I had to analyze every facial expression, tone of voice and word they said or didn't say. It determined what kind of day I was going to have in our house. I learned to spot the warning signals....

He did say he think it is appropriate to talk about me reducing sessions in the future because it means progress is being made. He said that he doesn't want to just drag me along for years and years. He also said nothing lasts forever and he has a hard time in his own life accepting that. But then he talked about other patients he has had for many years that come in and say 'you aren't helping me' but I'm still coming.

I need to explore this more next session. I did manage to say that I don't feel anywhere ready to reduce sessions at least weekly...he agreed there too.

We talked quite a bit about insurance hounding him. I don't know why they are doing this but he said he's trying to save me from unpaid sessions and he will fight harder for me.

At the end, I asked him where do we go from here session-wise, he asked me if weekly was okay that he thought I can handle it. He said that 2x per week is kind of for patients who are contemplating suicide...I didn't disagree with him there. I also would like to go back to weekly for now.

I just need to know if the option is there to increase if I need it. So I have more questions to expand on but feel I made some progress....

I was waiting to hear! Yes, if you are in crises you can call. Even those therapists that don't really want phone calls, while they are hesistant to discuss it with you (in that, like your T expressed, you might continue only calling thus creating a bad habit) will want you to call if you are feeling desperate. Often 5 minutes on the phone can help you cope.

I think if you get into a topic that you wish an additional appointment, you can ask for one for the next week... and that's good to know!

Yep, I think you did good!

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almeda24fan said:

If guess what I am learning here is that if he gives in to calling me between sessions then I won't learn to manage these feelings myself and become more independent. I should've asked though if I felt very of control can I call? I forgot to go there. I think the answer is yes because I've called before twice and he called back both times.

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That's great-- learning to having the boundary between calling when you really need to (like if you feel out of control) and not calling so you can learn to be independent. Sounds like you are well on your way to being connect with T, even if he isn't next to you.

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As for the attachment, I managed to say that it appears that he is uncomfortable at some of what I say and he changes the subject. He said that he is in no way uncomfortable and he loves that I am saying and doing what I am because it shows that I am working on all of this in between sessions. This is as close as I could get to "do you not want to engage in the transference with me"...maybe I can next time?

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I'm so proud of you. You said what was on your mind and you got a positive result. Yes, you can ask him about the transference next week-- after all, you want to leave something for next time.

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I also told him that I felt some inconsistency in his analysis as to whether or not I'm getting better. One week, he thinks I am getting better and then next not so much. I feel like I have accomplished a lot in a year but the last few months have been rough...he agreed.

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So proud I'm going to cry... LOL

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He said no that he and I make decisions about my sessions and outcome.

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This sounds so reassuring. I remember when my T said this. Actually he pretty much needs to say it every single week, haha, because every single week I tell him he's going to terminate me. He always said, "Excuse me-- who's terminating who ?

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But I did tell him what effect this had on me.
I felt like he finally cared and then it was taken away. He said "you don't think I care about you"...and I said "no, I don't think anyone does really..."

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I admire you for this. This sums up exactly how I feel in regards to last night's session. Thank you for saying this. I feel like you said it for both of us. I am going to try my hardest to tell my T this next Tuesday. Thank you for bringing the words to surface.

Thanks girls. It wasn't easy and I have more to clear up but that can wait until next week.

I just hope I don't ruin my good feelings with over-analyzing what he said or didn't say...giggle.

almedafan, I am so totally proud of you!!! You were very direct and asked the important questions. Was T kind of blown away by all this? I think he must have been delighted. It makes it easier to work with clients if they are direct and say what is on their mind and ask the questions that are begging to be asked. I bet he sees your therapy as moving forward in a huge jump.

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As for the attachment, I managed to say that it appears that he is uncomfortable at some of what I say and he changes the subject. He said that he is in no way uncomfortable and he loves that I am saying and doing what I am because it shows that I am working on all of this in between sessions.... I asked him if my attachment scared him and he said no and kind of laughed in a good way

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This is amazing you asked this! Great reply from T.

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I also told him that I felt some inconsistency in his analysis as to whether or not I'm getting better. One week, he thinks I am getting better and then next not so much.

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Bravo for asking this! [/clap-clap-clap]

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I felt like he finally cared and then it was taken away. He said "you don't think I care about you"...and I said "no, I don't think anyone does really..."

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What a significant interchange! That's engaging in the transference, girl!

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He said that 2x per week is kind of for patients who are contemplating suicide...

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That's really interesting to me, because I have my session today and am thinking (again) of broaching the topic of having 2 sessions per week. But maybe it is a common thing that T's don't do it unless you are suicidal. Last time I broached this a few weeks ago, I was not direct enough and he didn't get my hint. I need to change my appointment time for next week so I was thinking when I did that at the end of our session today, I would casually inquire if I could have 2 sessions next week, just for that one week (because I have time off and want to make more rapid progress). Anyway, thanks for that bit of info on the suicide thing.

Oh good Sunrise I was hoping you would think he was engaging in the transference!

As for the 2x per week and suicide comment, I should clarify that he may be talking about what my insurance thinks. He is the one who suggested my twice per week initially. It was really a quick comment as I was walking out the door so I'll get more info next session.

I'm doing a happy dance!!! (for a change)....

Alamed - You rock girl!!! So much courage. If I may I would like to ask a question - I am guessing you were anious before broaching these things - do you have a huge sense of relief?

Wow! You really were able to get a lot out there and get really nice feedback. Your T sounds very trustworthy, caring, secure. I like that he explained his reasoning about replying to your fax versus waiting for session to talk about it. I like that he included you in that process and decided to respond face to face in a personal setting.

What a wonderful experience to be able to ask about things that have been so in the forefront of your mind lately!

I think you did very well. You must be VERY proud of yourself!!

I'm sure proud of you!

I just have to applaud you! Wow - what a great session that was. I bet it made you feel good. Onward and upward!

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almeda24fan said:

As for the 2x per week and suicide comment, I should clarify that he may be talking about what my insurance thinks.

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This is true. When I was hospitalized back in '99, it was due to constant self-injury, depression, and panic attacks-- I was not suicidal. However, the insurance company basically had to be lied to, and told that I was suicidal-- because if they knew I wasn't, they wouldn't pay.

As far as my T, we don't do insurance. It's sliding fee-- so if I could afford it, and my schedule allowed, I'd probably go 5x per week. (I'd give him weekends off).

Almeda, you sound like you are becoming comfortable with once per week. I am using you as an inspiration to become comfortable with that as well. My ultimate goal? To be able to separate/individuate from him in a healthy manner.

I really am so glad for you.

Almeda! That sounds a great session! Lots of close communication! Well done, I;m proud of ya gal! (said in my best london cockney accent LOL)

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_Sky said:
I was waiting to hear! Yes, if you are in crises you can call. Even those therapists that don't really want phone calls, while they are hesistant to discuss it with you (in that, like your T expressed, you might continue only calling thus creating a bad habit) will want you to call if you are feeling desperate. Often 5 minutes on the phone can help you cope.

I think if you get into a topic that you wish an additional appointment, you can ask for one for the next week... and that's good to know!

Yep, I think you did good!

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Thanks Sky! It wasn't easy but I feel so much better

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pinksoil said:
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almeda24fan said:

If guess what I am learning here is that if he gives in to calling me between sessions then I won't learn to manage these feelings myself and become more independent. I should've asked though if I felt very of control can I call? I forgot to go there. I think the answer is yes because I've called before twice and he called back both times.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That's great-- learning to having the boundary between calling when you really need to (like if you feel out of control) and not calling so you can learn to be independent. Sounds like you are well on your way to being connect with T, even if he isn't next to you.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
As for the attachment, I managed to say that it appears that he is uncomfortable at some of what I say and he changes the subject. He said that he is in no way uncomfortable and he loves that I am saying and doing what I am because it shows that I am working on all of this in between sessions. This is as close as I could get to "do you not want to engage in the transference with me"...maybe I can next time?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm so proud of you. You said what was on your mind and you got a positive result. Yes, you can ask him about the transference next week-- after all, you want to leave something for next time.

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I also told him that I felt some inconsistency in his analysis as to whether or not I'm getting better. One week, he thinks I am getting better and then next not so much. I feel like I have accomplished a lot in a year but the last few months have been rough...he agreed.

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So proud I'm going to cry... LOL

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He said no that he and I make decisions about my sessions and outcome.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This sounds so reassuring. I remember when my T said this. Actually he pretty much needs to say it every single week, haha, because every single week I tell him he's going to terminate me. He always said, "Excuse me-- who's terminating who ?

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But I did tell him what effect this had on me.
I felt like he finally cared and then it was taken away. He said "you don't think I care about you"...and I said "no, I don't think anyone does really..."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I admire you for this. This sums up exactly how I feel in regards to last night's session. Thank you for saying this. I feel like you said it for both of us. I am going to try my hardest to tell my T this next Tuesday. Thank you for bringing the words to surface.

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Thank you for saying that. I thought I was going to pass out. I pretty much maintained eye contact. I used to be an investigator and I thought before going in, why not just imagine that this an interrogation for a moment....he smiled a lot so maybe this is what he was waiting for?

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purplemoon said:
Alamed - You rock girl!!! So much courage. If I may I would like to ask a question - I am guessing you were anious before broaching these things - do you have a huge sense of relief?

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I was very anxious. In fact, out in the waiting room, I kept dropping my things (water bottle, umbrella). I looked at his assistant and was like 'this is not my day'....but clearly it was for a change. I hope this continues....

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ECHOES said:
Wow! You really were able to get a lot out there and get really nice feedback. Your T sounds very trustworthy, caring, secure. I like that he explained his reasoning about replying to your fax versus waiting for session to talk about it. I like that he included you in that process and decided to respond face to face in a personal setting.



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I'm glad we spoke to face to face too. It was nice to hear that he was thinking of calling but thought he'd better not...although to protect myself, I put in the letter that we could talk about it next session. I wasn't taking any chances. If I hadn't said that and he didn't call, I don't know how I would've been until yesterday. Well, yes I do. I would've been crying on here everyday !

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WinterRose said:

I just have to applaud you! Wow - what a great session that was. I bet it made you feel good. Onward and upward!

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Thank you winter rose....it did feel good

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pinksoil said:
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almeda24fan said:

As for the 2x per week and suicide comment, I should clarify that he may be talking about what my insurance thinks.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is true. When I was hospitalized back in '99, it was due to constant self-injury, depression, and panic attacks-- I was not suicidal. However, the insurance company basically had to be lied to, and told that I was suicidal-- because if they knew I wasn't, they wouldn't pay.

Almeda, you sound like you are becoming comfortable with once per week. I am using you as an inspiration to become comfortable with that as well. My ultimate goal? To be able to separate/individuate from him in a healthy manner.

I really am so glad for you.

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Yes I'm okay for now. As long as if I need to go 2x I can...I'm about to change insurances to a POS plan. The PPO would be better but it's really expensive. He almost did a dance when he heard I was switching soon...

We talked about 'graduating'...and I said I can't go there yet. Even when I do graduate, I can still do check-in sessions every so often he said. At first I was thinking he really wants me to stop coming and then I thought no....he knows that I can do this and wants to help me forward. He knows that from a young age my schools pushed me aside, teachers, parents, friends etc. Maybe he wants to be the one to do the pushing no one else did by getting me to do it?

This is all before coffee so I may not be making sense...giggle