[ThisWayOut]

I'm not sure why, but almost every time I have something I really want to talk about, I seem to let the t steer the conversation away. I had done a trauma narrative for t last week. it brought up some stuff I really wanted to cover today, but I followed her off on a tangent (or she gave me an escape route and I ran with it? Not sure which is more accurate). We didn't cover the stuff that came up, we didn't cover the narrative. I mean, yeah, the stuff we covered was helpful background, but not what I had hoped to say. And I left out how it connects to some current flashbacks...
do I need to take a step back with my expectations and focus more on giving her background at the moment? This was only session 4, so we are getting to know each other. But this other stuff is "burning a hole in my pocket"... :/

[guilloche]

I don't know, ThisWayOut. I think that issues in the present with flashbacks would be something worth talking about sooner... it doesn't seem helpful to me to push that aside for background info, which isn't really going anywhere. And... forgive me for forgetting, but are you limited to a certain # of sessions with this T? If so, I'd think getting into the stuff that is most helpful for you now would be better than getting through your history, but not actually making a dent in the current problems?

Just my couple of cents.... but if you're up for telling her, I'd say go for it at the next session, you know the drill - "hey T - before we jump into more background discussion, I've got something that I really need to discuss with you."

good luck!

[ThisWayOut]

Thanks. Yeah, we are time/session limited to about 4 months/16 sessions...
it was weird, because when I was in the waiting room, I thought I should pull out the narrative, but didn't want to worry about carrying it around. I should have pulled it out. Oh well. Next week I guess...

I tended to find the same thing happened with my T - I would start talking to her about something but not really get to the point and she would pick it up and take it somewhere else. I was left somewhat frustrated and misunderstood.

[ThisWayOut]

It's weird. I woke up this morning in a panic that I had missed my therapy appointment yesterday. It took me a few to realize I had gone. I didn't think I was too checked-out at the time, but I'm having touble remembering it.
Now I'm feeling frustrated that I need to wait another week to talk to her again... :/

[guilloche]

(((ThisWayOut))) It sounds really rough to me. It sounds like there are things right now that you're struggling with... and your T is pulling you back towards talking about your history. I think, if you can, you need to just tell her that there's important stuff happening *now* - so you can get support with the flashbacks.

You're saying "this was only session 4" - but if it was session 4 out of 16, you've already gone through 1/4 of your sessions... it just makes me feel worried for you that you won't get the support you need, and instead, will have one more person who knows your history well, but then can't see you again (sorry - hope that's not triggering to say?)

Good luck... I really hope your T can hear what's going on right now for you and help you with it!

[ThisWayOut]

Part of me wants to call her, but I don't want to be too needy. The calling was one of the things I had hoped to address yesterday but didn't.

"will have one more person who knows your history well, but then can't see you again" <-- that worries me too. I don't need the world knowing all my dirty little secrets, but still not have anyone to talk to about it beyond simply telling them.

[guilloche]

I'm so sorry... it's a really rough situation. I feel like I can't offer good advice about calling, because I don't call my T (or previous Ts) - I'm still a bit terrified to do that, and not sure what to say!

I think if you're having flashbacks though, that sounds distressing enough that it might be worth a call? Has she ever said anything about calling? Maybe you could call this one time to see how she responds? I don't think calling *once* can be called "too needy" - and it would give you a baseline to understand how she responds to the call... plus, it would put the flashbacks on her radar, so it should be a bit more of a priority for her too (less likelihood of her inadvertently steering you away from them) at the next session!

(((ThisWayOut)))

[ThisWayOut]

Thanks guilloche.
she had mentioned it's ok to call the agency's hotline if it's a crisis, or "things come up". I had called her last week after I did a practice trauma narrative. I don't want to make it a pattern and get overly needy. It's a big fear of mine. I don't like being bothersome or annoying, and every T has a different set of boundaries around that. We didn't get around to talking about it yesterday, so...
The more time goes on though, the more diconnected and "unreal" things feel, so I may end up calling the hotline later. I have grounding techniques, so I should probably try them first. Maybe this is just a fear that I'm headed for losing time... I really don't know. I've not felt this way too often before, so I'm a bit disconcerted by it. I think writing here is helping me have evidence that things are real, and I'll be able to come back to it.
Dunno, now I'm rambling. Sorry. Gonna try to ground some and get the lump out of my throat.