[grimtopaz]

I know this, in part, deals with attraction to my therapist. But there are also more generic questions about attachment, so I decided to post it in this forum.

Even though I understand how natural it is to develop romantic feelings for a therapist, I've been filled with shame about it. Since I admire her so much, I feel "disrespectful" for thinking about her in an often quite graphic sexual manner. My thought is that if she knew, she'd be "disturbed". I believe that if this were a male therapist, I would not care, but there's just something about her being female (I'm a bisexual female).

I decided to talk to my psychiatrist about it (she knows my T., and also practices therapy). She was very supportive and normalized my feelings. She didn't tell me what to do, but seemed to think my T. would be OK and accepting of my feelings. I told her I want my T. to know, but I just don't want to tell her. My psychiatrist suggested I bring it up in an abstract level.

I told my T. that I had asked my psychiatrist for specific feedback (I declined to discuss what it was) and that my psychiatrist had brought up the excellent point that I tend to feel shame about my feelings of caring for others/allowing others to be important to me, in part because I assume they will shame me for having those feelings/reject me. This tied to me not getting close to people/having a dismissive attachment style.

She was very validating, but then told me that she has little training in “psychodynamic” /emotion-focused issues (she has CBT training), and wonders if it would be helpful for me to get different perspectives. She said that people are like onions and CBT intervenes at the outer layers. She said other folks have a lot of more training on dealing with the “deeper” layers.

I started crying because I felt she was telling me she couldn’t help me. She said that was not the case. She asked me if I found therapy helpful and we reviewed my progress (I still find it helpful). She said she has “loved working with me”, then said that she “loves” working with me and wouldn’t dismiss me like that. She also said that she “loves” witnessing my journey and the changes I’ve made. She then something about this being a “real” moment. She also acknowledged that the one-sidedness of therapy made it both “wonderful and terrible”. (This was very off character for her. That is, she’s never said anything positive about me, other than I am “likable” and about my intelligence.)

I’m starting a new job and might not be able to attend my current session time. She brought up how she’ll try to accommodate me needing a new session time (I’m starting a new job), but she has no openings/I might have to go on a waitlist. She said she’s willing to see me Tue at 6PM for only couple of months, but not permanently (she usually doesn’t see patients on Tuesdays, but has it as a “buffer day” in case someone needs it).

OK, sorry for all the text. I have the following questions: Do you think it was obvious to my T. that I had talked to my psychiatrist about the therapeutic relationship? Do you think she guessed/it entered her radar that it might be “romantic” feelings? Would you feel rejected by her recommending other therapists? I don’t know if I should interpret it as “don’t talk about those things, I’m not trained”.

[gayleggg]

It doesn't sound like it was obvious to her from what you said. I don't think I would feel rejected because she suggested another type of therapy. I think she is only trying to see what might work best for you. I think it is a good sign that she knows her limits in therapy and that if a different type of therapy would be helpful to you, I think it is great that she be able to admit that and give you suggestions. It sounds like she is very caring by working around your schedule at least for a while. It sounds to me like you have a good working relationship with her.

[WrkNPrgress]

First off, you shouldn't feel any shame and it seems that your Psych has backed you up on that.

I know what you mean by feeling like it's "disrespectful". I feel that way about my transference but I'm pretty sure my feelings of shame are rooted, at least in part, to internalized homophobia.
IMO, We can't help it. Same Sex affection is frowned on in most cultures and religions. Although things are getting better, that's the system we all grew up in, no matter what our personal experience or resources. Societal 'norms' belittle these feelings, us, with messages on the daily that same-sex attraction is at the least inferior, invisible, unwanted, and "weird" etc. I think this does affect how we view ourselves and our feeling of attraction towards anyone of the same sex no matter how together we are.

Throw in transference issues in psychotherapy and we have enough to deal with. It is brave of you to bring this up to your Psych and your T, however you have to go about it. Be proud of yourself.

We can't be friends with our Ts. That sucks but she's right about the 'great and the terrible' aspect of this. You've come this far because of that professional distance.

I wouldn't read anything negative into your T's response. It might be a bit confusing for you but don't assume she's rejecting you on any level. I think you should go back to her and talk out essentially the questions you asked here. It may be that you are level for a another level of therapy and she wants you to continue your progress.

This is probably a good thing.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by grimtopaz

Do you think it was obvious to my T. that I had talked to my psychiatrist about the therapeutic relationship?

Yes.

Do you think she guessed/it entered her radar that it might be “romantic” feelings?

No, not at all. I think a lot of people care about their T's in a lot of ways, she might know now that you care about her, but not in what way.

Would you feel rejected by her recommending other therapists? I don’t know if I should interpret it as “don’t talk about those things, I’m not trained”.

That's how I'd interpret it. If you're not sure you can ask her for clarification, but it sure sounds like she's telling you that discussing your deeper feelings about her and the process are outside of her skills, and she mainly just does CBT. I don't think it's rejection of you personally, but it is what it is. This is one reason I like seeing a therapist with a couple decades of experience.

[WikidPissah]

I think maybe when you told her you talked with your pdoc, she was giving you the space to choose a different type of t. She probably was just checking to see if you needed more. I thing that was quite graceful. Not trying to dump you, but giving you the opportunity to dump her.

[grimtopaz]

Thank you for your reply.

I do still have shame about same-sex attraction, while I'm completely accepting of opposite-sex attraction. I come from a homophobic family (even though they are secular) and my husband is completely not OK with my same-sex attraction.

I guess I also assume that a male therapist would be flattered if I were attracted to him, whereas a woman would be put off. Again, I don't know this to be true and I think any reasonable person would just be flattered.

You are right about asking her the questions I am asking here, but I might not have the guts. I think I will definitely ask if because of her training, there are more "psychodynamic-y" things I shouldn't bring up.

Originally Posted by WrkNPrgress

First off, you shouldn't feel any shame and it seems that your Psych has backed you up on that.

I know what you mean by feeling like it's "disrespectful". I feel that way about my transference but I'm pretty sure my feelings of shame are rooted, at least in part, to internalized homophobia.
IMO, We can't help it. Same Sex affection is frowned on in most cultures and religions. Although things are getting better, that's the system we all grew up in, no matter what our personal experience or resources. Societal 'norms' belittle these feelings, us, with messages on the daily that same-sex attraction is at the least inferior, invisible, unwanted, and "weird" etc. I think this does affect how we view ourselves and our feeling of attraction towards anyone of the same sex no matter how together we are.

Throw in transference issues in psychotherapy and we have enough to deal with. It is brave of you to bring this up to your Psych and your T, however you have to go about it. Be proud of yourself.

We can't be friends with our Ts. That sucks but she's right about the 'great and the terrible' aspect of this. You've come this far because of that professional distance.

I wouldn't read anything negative into your T's response. It might be a bit confusing for you but don't assume she's rejecting you on any level. I think you should go back to her and talk out essentially the questions you asked here. It may be that you are level for a another level of therapy and she wants you to continue your progress.

This is probably a good thing.

[grimtopaz]

Thanks for your input - I will ask her if this is what she meant/was implying.

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Yes.

No, not at all. I think a lot of people care about their T's in a lot of ways, she might know now that you care about her, but not in what way.

That's how I'd interpret it. If you're not sure you can ask her for clarification, but it sure sounds like she's telling you that discussing your deeper feelings about her and the process are outside of her skills, and she mainly just does CBT. I don't think it's rejection of you personally, but it is what it is. This is one reason I like seeing a therapist with a couple decades of experience.

[grimtopaz]

Interesting. She did say that if I ever wanted to move on it would be 100% OK with her. I'd like to think it's a face value statement, rather than a subtle "go see someone else".

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I think maybe when you told her you talked with your pdoc, she was giving you the space to choose a different type of t. She probably was just checking to see if you needed more. I thing that was quite graceful. Not trying to dump you, but giving you the opportunity to dump her.