Challenging session, post-session aftermath

WARNING -- POSSIBLE SI TRIGGER AHEAD LAST PARAGRAPH

I had my session with T last night. Of course I had my plans for what we would discuss: 2 topics, 1 of which was a powerful, positive dream that I wanted to end with. Well, my first topic was not a pleasant one, and it didn't seem right to segue into the dream so I went to another difficult topic. This ended up being a tough session with a large dose of the "nuts and bolts" that I so hate and don't want to see my sessions with T grow into. Yet we did some really good work and I got some answers to some questions I have had in his area of expertise. But I feel we are a little at odds, kind of in the way that a father who is a certain profession, maybe a blacksmith or a doctor, and who wants and hopes his son will take over his job or business when he grows up and follow in his footsteps. I feel I am somehow disappointing T by not falling into line with the way he approves of getting to my goal. So I feel I am disappointing him, which hurts. I want to "please" him. Arggghhh.

And I feel like we have approached a big wall in between me and my goal, and suddenly it is apparent to me what the wall is. I have known there was a wall but I couldn't identify its main component and now I do and have told T that I don't really want to grapple with it. I feel like I am a big coward and he sees it, and I hate that. Again, I feel I have not lived up to his expectations. Coward.

I am feeling a strong need to dump many years of stored hurt into T's office. Decades. He told me last week that I am so strong, that it is amazing. I contain everything so well. But I felt in this comment kind of a criticism or an implied sense that being so contained is not necessarily something to be admired. Like it is not necessarily good to contain everything and prevent oneself from feeling the huge mountain of hurt inside. This is the wall I talk of, that I see now between me and my goal, and I want to just slide through a chink in the mortar and not really surmount the wall and face the pain. And somehow I think T thinks this is cheating.

I'm sure I'm not making sense?

And then I was feeling depressed. I hate that. Been there done that. And at the drop of a hat I can be back there again. And then what came next was new.

Since our session I have been plagued by thoughts of letting loose in T's office, all my hurt, just an avalanche, The form this fantasy takes harkens back to my days as a teen when I coped with the emotional pain in my life due to Mom by storing it all inside and then releasing it by cutting myself. I did this for years and it was extremely helpful to me in dealing with my pain. When I moved far far away from home, I left that pain behind and so didn't cut anymore. Now it is 30 years later and cutting, perhaps my most successful strategy ever of coping with emotional pain, is intruding into my thoughts. The images are very vivid and I can't stop them. I keep seeing myself in T's office with a knife, cutting, and the blood running onto his carpet. Somehow this is very compelling to me and in my fantasy, it feels great. It feels tremendous. What a release. I'm sure T would be horrified to know I am picturing this over and over. I'm kind of horrified myself. I touch my arms and my flesh just jumps, as if yearning to release with him present. He is an integral part of the fantasy. When I was a teen, I always cut in private. And now I want T to share this???? God, I am so screwed up. My most charitable interpretation is that this is a metaphor for my desire to share my accumulated pain and hurt with T in his office. But the images are so vivid and it seems really shameful to me that I am imagining this bloodletting as a good thing and something I want to share with a guy I think the world of, my T.

there are a lot of theories about what people get from cutting. here are some of the factors that have been thought to be involved:

- people often have a 'faint' response to blood (especially their own). the thought is that ones heart beats a little slower so that less blood is lost (this is thought to be the function of the fainting response and perhaps the shock response too). this could have a arousal regulating effect.
- endorphins are released because of the pain. that is how come people sometimes don't really feel the pain. that also has an arousal regulating effect.

maybe... part of your concern is that if you let out the emotional pain in his office he won't be able to help contain your emotion so you can return to emotional baseline. maybe... the images of cutting make it feel a little bit safer that you could share the pain with him. because if you cut then you will be able to contain it / regulate yourself back to emotional baseline.

just a thought. i could be off.

This doesn't sound so crazy to me. I think that the urge to cut come from a need to release overwhelming feelings. I agree with you that you want to share these feelings with your T. You just don't know how to put those feelings into words yet. You can't name them so you naturally resort, in you mind, to a coping style that worked for you before. I think you should tell your T about your fantasy. He can help you put those feelings into words. I am struggling with urges to cut but never cut as a teen. So I am trying to figure out why now, as a mature adult this is emerging as a coping style. In a way I am struggling with the same thing you are because I am trying so hard to put this frustration into words. It took me many weeks to bring this up to my T but yesterday I felt strong and shared my feelings. It was a good decision because after all if we can't speak to our Ts than what's the point?

Hi sunrise. I hope you are doing some better at this time.

Please do share your "fantasy" thoughts with your T... so far he sounds like a good one Learning what makes us tick, why we think and do and say what we do, is part of therapy's job. Then, the T can help us change if we choose.

I think the main thing to remember in doing anything like this talk, is to not vent AT the T (like you might if you said the same things to your mom?) But put it out into T's office for venting, discussion. You aren't angry at your T, not really. And we don't really want to insult or harm the very person (and sometimes the only person) who really cares and can help us!

TC

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Thank you alex, sister, and sky for responding. I've just been feeling so deviant about having this fantasy and you made me feel like hey maybe I wasn't as awful as I thought, after all.

alex, I'd heard about the endorphins before but not the "faint" response. Interesting. I don't recall ever feeling faint when I cut so not sure if that is applicable to me, but could very well be to others.

sister, I really appreciate your saying my fantasy doesn't sound crazy to you! I think you are right on with everything you said. How did your T react when you shared this with him?

Sky, I am doing better today. thanks. You wrote: "You aren't angry at your T, not really." What I want to release is hurt, not anger. And it is not childhood hurt over my mom (have to leave that for another day, plus the cutting as a teen helped me deal with that back then), it's hurt from my adult life. I cannot imagine getting angry at my T when sharing my hurt and pain with him (I would envision it as a time of closeness with him, not hostility), so this is not a problem. He is the greatest, and I have zero reason to be angry at him. In my fantasy he is very accepting as I slice myself and he even gestures not to worry about the blood on the carpet. He is not reacting with horror at all and seems totally able to handle what I am doing. In fact, he reacts just as if I were simply saying something to him, not cutting myself.

Thanks again to all who responded. I'm going away for a few days with one of my daughters, and will see you all when I return.

((((((((sunrise))))))))))))

I can understand where you're coming from and it sounds pretty normal to me!

with respect to the 'faint' response... whether you have it or not would depend on whether your cutting slows your heartrate. i'm not typically aware of how fast my heart is beating so i guess it wouldn't necessarily be transparent to me whether something slowed my heartrate or not. fainting is of course one extreme when there is a *huge* drop but responses can be more subtle than that...

Sunrise,
When I spoke to my T about the cutting and urges he just listened and didn't say much. I told him that I held a lot of shame about as I am very cognizant of the fact that I am a mature person and this is adolescent behavior. He asked if I thought that the difficlties in my relationship with my husband are triggers. But i don't think that's all of it. Anyway, the best part is I opened up and he was very kind and non judgemental. I recommend it.

sunny,

Oh, please tell your T about your fantasy/dream. I think you'll enjoy looking at it once you get it out into the open.

The'living up to expectations' is a heavy burden. Tell him too about your feelings around his expectations and worry of disappointing him?

Moving far far away from a source of pain is good... the space can feel like you can finally breathe again! then the pain tracks us down and finds us since we never really left it beause it wasn't out there, it had moved inside.

The thought of feeling that mountain of pain is scary sunny. Please head right at it so you can knock it down. You are strong. Maybe that is what he meant.. you are strong and ready for that. I think your dream is about wanting relief from this overbearing mountain of pain that flows through you like blood but isn't life-sustaining, it is interfering, in the way, like a huge wall. The relief of it will feel tremendous, your dream says. I suspect you are right!



ECHOES

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sunrise said:
WARNING -- POSSIBLE SI TRIGGER AHEAD LAST PARAGRAPH

I had my session with T last night. Of course I had my plans for what we would discuss: 2 topics, 1 of which was a powerful, positive dream that I wanted to end with. Well, my first topic was not a pleasant one, and it didn't seem right to segue into the dream so I went to another difficult topic. This ended up being a tough session with a large dose of the "nuts and bolts" that I so hate and don't want to see my sessions with T grow into. Yet we did some really good work and I got some answers to some questions I have had in his area of expertise. But I feel we are a little at odds, kind of in the way that a father who is a certain profession, maybe a blacksmith or a doctor, and who wants and hopes his son will take over his job or business when he grows up and follow in his footsteps. I feel I am somehow disappointing T by not falling into line with the way he approves of getting to my goal. So I feel I am disappointing him, which hurts. I want to "please" him.

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This is a powerful and important metaphor. Have you shared this with him? The fact that you feel you're going to disappointment him is so important for him to know because it is holding you back from being completely open with him. I have often felt the same with my T, especially since I am going to school to be a therapist. I often felt that I was falling short of his "colleague" if I admitted certain things. Have you told him that you don't want to disappoint him?

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I am feeling a strong need to dump many years of stored hurt into T's office. Decades.

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Wow. This is some serious transference. If you are feeling this strong need, I would say the time is getting close for you to dump this hurt. Trust your unconscious. You will, when you're ready. That's what he is there for. You can dump your hurt on him. Because he won't go anywhere. And once you do, you can learn what to do with it from there.

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Since our session I have been plagued by thoughts of letting loose in T's office, all my hurt, just an avalanche, The form this fantasy takes harkens back to my days as a teen when I coped with the emotional pain in my life due to Mom by storing it all inside and then releasing it by cutting myself. I did this for years and it was extremely helpful to me in dealing with my pain. When I moved far far away from home, I left that pain behind and so didn't cut anymore. Now it is 30 years later and cutting, perhaps my most successful strategy ever of coping with emotional pain, is intruding into my thoughts. The images are very vivid and I can't stop them. I keep seeing myself in T's office with a knife, cutting, and the blood running onto his carpet. Somehow this is very compelling to me and in my fantasy, it feels great. It feels tremendous. What a release. I'm sure T would be horrified to know I am picturing this over and over. I'm kind of horrified myself. I touch my arms and my flesh just jumps, as if yearning to release with him present. He is an integral part of the fantasy. When I was a teen, I always cut in private. And now I want T to share this???? God, I am so screwed up. My most charitable interpretation is that this is a metaphor for my desire to share my accumulated pain and hurt with T in his office. But the images are so vivid and it seems really shameful to me that I am imagining this bloodletting as a good thing and something I want to share with a guy I think the world of, my T.

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This is huge. I encourage you to share this with him. Maybe it isn't a bad thing. Maybe the image is letting you know that you are ready to take something so very private-- and finally let someone else in. When you experience these images, what do you imagine your T doing when you cut in his presence? Do you really think he would be "horrified" if you told him about this? Sometimes when we are horrified by our own thoughts and images, we tend to think that our T's would find them awful as well-- this tends to "help" us by getting around telling them the really scary stuff. We convince ourselves that they wouldn't want to hear it-- but we are really the ones who are scared and uncomfortable. Sunny, I think you are on the edge of your pain and hurt right now-- just about to spill over in regards to letting your T share this with you. It sounds like you are almost ready.

Also, have a wonderful time away with your daughter. Let me know how you're doing when you get back.

Wow, this is an intense thread. I hope you will share your fantasy with your therapist. I'd agree especially with sister that your fantasy is about wanting to share overwhelming feelings with your therapist. You just don't know a healthier way of sharing them and finding release (catharsis? is that the word?). I expect he could help you find a way to make these things verbal rather than violent. I hope you'll choose to talk about it with him.

Sidony

Sunrise, I think your very brave to begin to share this stuff!! well done!

I've been away for a couple of days (had a great time on a road trip with my daughter) and see some new responses on this thread. Thank you, everyone.

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canders7 said:
it sounds pretty normal to me!

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Thank you, canders. Sometimes I need reassurance that I am normal!

sister, that's wonderful you were able to open up to your T about cutting. I think I need to do that too. I have not cut since I was about 18 and so it has been very disturbing to suddenly experience this cutting fantasy. I have felt like you that heck, I am grown up now, I should not be fantasizing about a coping strategay (cutting) that I associate with my immaturity at that age. Like you, a lot of the current trigger is my relationship with my husband.

ECHOES, so much of what you wrote is exactly what I think I should do: tell T about the cutting fantasy, tell T I am afraid of not living up to his expectations, acknowledge that the mountain of pain I have pushed away is now catching up with me again, and start to knock it down. There is some great wisdom on this board. Thank you for your insight.

pinksoil, no, I haven't shared the "like father, like son" metaphor with my T. I haven't told him that I feel I may disappoint him. I should voice this. I actually do think he would reassure me this is not the case. But nevertheless, last session I felt when I said certain things that he was somehow disappointed and on occasion we were like 2 ships passing in the night, just not on the same page. Maybe the communication is the problem. I think I need to let him know how clueless I am on certain things so he can explain better and not just assume I know stuff. Sometimes I felt like he was reacting in a way that said "how can you be so dumb?"

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Wow. This is some serious transference.

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That's interesting, pinksoil, that you would say that, because I never thought of it that way. But now I am thinking, hey, that probably is right. Here I am in this horrible relationship with my husband and for many years I have not been able to say or do anything independently or else I get criticized and knocked down and disapproved of. I have so wanted my husband's love and approval. And now here I am with another guy, my T, feeling scared he will disapprove of me, and I will lose his respect and positive regard. AAAACCKKKKK!!

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When you experience these images, what do you imagine your T doing when you cut in his presence? Do you really think he would be "horrified" if you told him about this?

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In my fantasy, he is not horrified. He is very much business as usual, sitting in his chair, watching me cut, as if I were simply saying something to him rather than shedding blood. And he even gives me a reassuring gesture that I shouldn't worry about the blood that is dripping down and staining his carpet. He's like "don't worry about that, please continue." He's very accepting. Yet in real life, I wonder if he would be so accepting if I told him this? I worry he would be kind of scared by this fantasy, because it seems deviant and aberrant to me. When I was a teen, I always cut in private and felt it was deviant, that normal people didn't injure themselves in this way, much less enjoy it. And wanting someone to share this with you seems even more abnormal. It's tough to share this kind of shameful, deviant thing with him. I need to hang onto the thought that the cutting is just a metaphor for sharing my pain with him. That helps me.

Thank you also, sidony and mouse, for your comments and support.

I am glad to be back after my trip with my daughter. That was a nice break. There were over 100 new posts here in Psychotherapy. You guys have been busy!!!