[IndestructibleGirl]

I terminated, in person, and it's done. No turning back. She said she has people waiting so whatever I said today is it. I did say does that mean forever - and she smiled and said nothing is forever, but the waiting list is five or ten months.

When I said it, she said ok, I'm going to take everything you say at face value and she didn't get defensive at all. She kept asking had I said everything I wanted to say. And I explained that after the termination text, it just was not therapeutic for me anymore, that I can't grow my trust to do the work. With my core attachment wounds, I can't do it with her.

She asked several more times was there anything else I might want to say, when I was on my way home what would I want to have said. I said no, I wasn't here to argue, wasn't here to reel off a list of bullet points. There would never be the space and time to talk through the whole thing.

Asked her if I had taken too much, and she said there was no point going over this all again, but she hoped I could hold onto all the times we'd talked it over before. She asked me if I wanted to talk about the good I had got from it all, and I said no. It would have finally made me emotionally incontinent, and the last session is no place to suddenly discover you can actually cry after all.

Then she said, how do you want to say goodbye, and I told her we just had. And she said do you want to leave it there, and she had made references to the time so I thought it had sped by very quickly, and said yes. She tried to touch my arm as I left and I shrank away from her, I could not let her.

As I went down the stairs I saw the time and realized I'd only been in there just after half an hour. By this point I felt in no danger of losing my ****, so I turned, and went back up with the intention of saying thank you and looking her in the eye, but she was gone. Vanished into thin air.

I did it, but it is a Pyrrhic victory. I have just walked away from the person I love most in the world, all because I am so grasping and ravenous I can't accept her new boundaries. Because I'm so inflexible, I can't accept that she is not my sister or my girlfriend.

I don't know how to even begin slowly unknotting this.

Edited to say - sorry for all the "I said, she saids". Poor and unimaginative expression. I just can't write properly at all.

[Asiablue]

Big Congratulations and a hug for being so brave!

You did not walk away because you couldn't accept boundaries, you walked away because she was abusive and crap at her job. Your boundaries are fine just as they are!

I'm proud of you, I know how difficult that was to do. xx

I'm going through something very similar. Our goodbye session is next week. Like you I wanted more from the relationship, like you it was my autonomous decision to walk away from someone I love.
I have to congratulate you on your strength and integrity. You chose not to linger in an unhelpful and untherapeutic relationship. Thank you for sharing this and giving me strength to do the same

[stopdog]

I think you are to be congratulated on doing what is best for you. You are not to blame for it not working out.

Congrats! I didn't do my termination face to face. I did it over the phone because I was way to scared to do it. You are so brave. I wish you the best ~

[missbella]

As another who had to make that difficult decision, I'm so happy for you. A unfit fit can be a real mind.. ahem....game (or some other word )...at worst like leaving a cult.I had quite a process demoting the authority figure thing, realizing a therapist was my hire and not my overseer.

I got far more benefit from leaving bad therapy than being in it.

Here's to a much better chapter, feeling good, feeling free, and feeling your own strength. Though I wrote most of the article below, a friend who helped me edit, wrote the last sentences of the"Therapy didn't help" segment. She added an optimism:
Psychotherapy: What Can Go Wrong - Learning From Bad Therapy with Madeline Aimes

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Big Congratulations and a hug for being so brave!

You did not walk away because you couldn't accept boundaries, you walked away because she was abusive and crap at her job. Your boundaries are fine just as they are!

I'm proud of you, I know how difficult that was to do. xx

Thanks.

I am far from brave. I could not speak for about ten minutes at all, sat waiting with the tick of the clock, feeling like a child, and this -

going round and round in my head, over and over, feeling like I was drowning every time I looked at her.

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I'm going through something very similar. Our goodbye session is next week. Like you I wanted more from the relationship, like you it was my autonomous decision to walk away from someone I love.
I have to congratulate you on your strength and integrity. You chose not to linger in an unhelpful and untherapeutic relationship. Thank you for sharing this and giving me strength to do the same

Thank you.

I hope you are okay when you go to yours. Is there any tension between you, or do you think it will be satisfying closure?

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think you are to be congratulated on doing what is best for you. You are not to blame for it not working out.

Thanks. I know it isn't my fault, and it may be the best thing long term but right now it feels anything but.

Originally Posted by psychmajor18

Congrats! I didn't do my termination face to face. I did it over the phone because I was way to scared to do it. You are so brave. I wish you the best ~

Thank you - the phone sounds like a smart idea. Allows you to not be so exposed.

I didn't do it in person from bravery though, I did it so I could look at her and drink her in, and imprint her in my memory. Which is illogical, since I also just want to forget her and wipe her out of my skull.

Originally Posted by missbella

As another who had to make that difficult decision, I'm so happy for you. A unfit fit can be a real mind.. ahem....game (or some other word )...at worst like leaving a cult.I had quite a process demoting the authority figure thing, realizing a therapist was my hire and not my overseer.

I got far more benefit from leaving bad therapy than being in it.

Here's to a much better chapter, feeling good, feeling free, and feeling your own strength. Though I wrote most of the article below, a friend who helped me edit, wrote the last sentences of the"Therapy didn't help" segment. She added an optimism:
Psychotherapy: What Can Go Wrong - Learning From Bad Therapy with Madeline Aimes

Thank you for sharing your piece, I'll have a read when I'm in a better headspace. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have been in the place where they led you into thinking they had authority over you. That took real courage, breaking away from that. I always felt like her equal, so at least I don't feel like I'm walking away from a Goddess Just a person, with faults and failings by the score, who made major **** ups with me and showed me them all in brilliant technicolour.

I should be able to brush away this love and dismiss it. But I can't. It's like sitting on the beach in the dark with the tide coming in, cold grey water swirling round my ankles and lapping at my waist.

[junkDNA]

[IndestructibleGirl]

Sh#t. Stuck. I texted her, saying that there were good bits but I couldn't say them because I wanted a calm last session, I know it is the right thing to quit but it's so hard. There won't be a reply I know, and that's ok, except it isn't.

I feel so sick, can't eat, blood pressure has dropped. Unsure if it's a reaction to stress, or my just bad luck and my medical condition's playing up. Maybe both, as it is very sensitive to stress. Want to grab a friend and a bottle of wine but can't have a drink when I'm like this, and I just need my head to shut the **** up. I have no valium. The safest and least physically toxic thing I could do is to cut something small but satisfying with a sterile instrument, but mentally that would be a disaster so I can't do that. Won't.

I really need my brother, and he doesn't want to talk to me, which I respect.

I'm just in a wasteland with no ****ing direction.

[Soccer mom]

It will be hard as losing anyone can be. There will be a period of grief but you can get through it! You've done a very brave thing and hopefully it will contribute to more healing in the end.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

It will be hard as losing anyone can be. There will be a period of grief but you can get through it! You've done a very brave thing and hopefully it will contribute to more healing in the end.

I can't. There has always been something of comfort left after all the other losses. Now there is nothing. Her and my brother were my last key people on the planet, and both are gone. My brother might come back eventually in time, but right now there's nothing.

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Thank you.

I hope you are okay when you go to yours. Is there any tension between you, or do you think it will be satisfying closure?

Thanks. There is no tension now, but there have been ruptures that are part of the reason for terminating. I do hope it is a satisfying closure, but it is still going to be the start of a grieving process. There's no happy way of saying goodbye to someone you love, is there
Wishing you all the best IG. You've been through so much and faced so much, you should be proud of your strength in making this tough decision

[Gavinandnikki]

I have also terminated in person with my analyst of 5+ years - 3-4 sessions/week. I empathize with your very deep pain. Very much so. I am tearing up right now.
Now... These really desolate feelings, despair, searing loss, omg what am I going to do, I can not survive this- this will pass. But not today. May take weeks. It will not take months.

I have read so many of your posts. You are warm, smart, loving. An old soul. You are also a fixer. There is a problem, I will try to fix it.

There is no fix for this. Just time.

Many times - too many- I resort to pills and booze. I'm certainly not suggesting you do that but I also know you like your Valium. Wish I had some of that lol. Try not to drown yourself.

I do think it would help to process some of this with another therapist. Easier said than done, I know.

Just keep posting, I think we can help support a little.

Major kudos on the face to face termination. Don't cave and see her again - the relationship was no longer therapeutic and you know that.

Just grieve, breathe, sleep, eat.
Wash and repeat.
The hole in your heart does ease- really, really, it will. Just got to get through it, one day(one minute) at a time:

Ginormous hugs girl,
Pam

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

I have also terminated in person with my analyst of 5+ years - 3-4 sessions/week. I empathize with your very deep pain. Very much so. I am tearing up right now.
Now... These really desolate feelings, despair, searing loss, omg what am I going to do, I can not survive this- this will pass. But not today. May take weeks. It will not take months.

I have read so many of your posts. You are warm, smart, loving. An old soul. You are also a fixer. There is a problem, I will try to fix it.

There is no fix for this. Just time.

Many times - too many- I resort to pills and booze. I'm certainly not suggesting you do that but I also know you like your Valium. Wish I had some of that lol. Try not to drown yourself.

I do think it would help to process some of this with another therapist. Easier said than done, I know.

Just keep posting, I think we can help support a little.

Major kudos on the face to face termination. Don't cave and see her again - the relationship was no longer therapeutic and you know that.

Just grieve, breathe, sleep, eat.
Wash and repeat.
The hole in your heart does ease- really, really, it will. Just got to get through it, one day(one minute) at a time:

Ginormous hugs girl,
Pam

Thank you, Pam. How long did you take to move on? I know I will be fine but I am terrified at feeling like this for a couple of years. It's like sitting trying to relax with a swarm of wasps stinging over and over and over, and being helpless.

I wish it would be a matter of weeks, but my last boyfriend who I loved took a year and a half to get over, even though the relationship was only a year long. I love the therapist a lot more than him and knew her longer, so the recovery period could be ages. I can't face that.

I know it will be ok because losing anyone important for the first time is like a vaccination and teaches you that yes, you will still exist long after the events.

But it is quality of life that matters. I can't get that.

I have no juice in the tank. I am almost 30, which means I've had no rest for almost seven years. There have been too many horrendous pieces of sh#t crammed into these seven years, and therapy was like seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. But no - instead of a light, it was in reality a burning pile of dog shite.

Ranting, and not even drunk. I can't switch my head off, my brain is racing away and my heart keeps racing and slowing like I'm doing HIIT. I don't feel quite well.

I wish I had something wise or helpful to say. I'm thinking of you and sending hugs and good thoughts.

[Gavinandnikki]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Thank you, Pam. How long did you take to move on? I know I will be fine but I am terrified at feeling like this for a couple of years. It's like sitting trying to relax with a swarm of wasps stinging over and over and over, and being helpless.

I wish it would be a matter of weeks, but my last boyfriend who I loved took a year and a half to get over, even though the relationship was only a year long. I love the therapist a lot more than him and knew her longer, so the recovery period could be ages. I can't face that.

I know it will be ok because losing anyone important for the first time is like a vaccination and teaches you that yes, you will still exist long after the events.

But it is quality of life that matters. I can't get that.

I have no juice in the tank. I am almost 30, which means I've had no rest for almost seven years. There have been too many horrendous pieces of sh#t crammed into these seven years, and therapy was like seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. But no - instead of a light, it was in reality a burning pile of dog shite.

Ranting, and not even drunk. I can't switch my head off, my brain is racing away and my heart keeps racing and slowing like I'm doing HIIT. I don't feel quite well.

It's been a year and my feelings are fond and soft. Took me about 6 weeks to feel semi-normal again. She was a massive influence in my life!!! I actually felt better sooner than I thought.

You think looking into another therapist might help? I have a psychiatrist that I saw twice to rant and vent- it helped a lot.

I just had to keep telling myself- over and over- why I left, why going back was not a good choice, all that extra$$ lol. I loved my therapist as I have never loved another woman ever. I still do.

I wanted things from her that she could not give me. I put on my grown up panties, finally, and walked away.

I miss her every day, but do not regret my decision.

It's really hard.

[IndestructibleGirl]

I'm sorry to keep on and on but I just don't understand life, I really don't. I don't know why I'm not self-destructing, it seems utter madness to keep sitting here feeling myself turn to slime mentally and yet to keep carefully looking after my physical self like it's something precious. I have no interest in being a carefully preserved tube for food. What a mockery. Why am I even going to my hospital appointment tomorrow to be poked and prodded and subject to more distress and pain, to try to be physically healthy, when there's never any pay off. Never any ease.

I have a job interview on Friday, and I will go in and smile manically and do the verbal dance to get them to pick me and if they do - so what? I already got my dream job, and that was a disaster and had to leave, partly because the business was not run properly but partly because I was too ****ing delicate and overwhelmed by all the ****ing pain and devastation of other human beings I was dealing with on a daily basis as well as my own stuff. I could not have asked for a more exciting or rewarding career, and it was all a complete screw up because I wasn't able to hack it.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

It's been a year and my feelings are fond and soft. Took me about 6 weeks to feel semi-normal again. She was a massive influence in my life!!! I actually felt better sooner than I thought.

You think looking into another therapist might help? I have a psychiatrist that I saw twice to rant and vent- it helped a lot.

I just had to keep telling myself- over and over- why I left, why going back was not a good choice, all that extra$$ lol. I loved my therapist as I have never loved another woman ever. I still do.

I wanted things from her that she could not give me. I put on my grown up panties, finally, and walked away.

I miss her every day, but do not regret my decision.

It's really hard.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry if I have dredged up horrible emotional memories, I know you miss her every day but probably talking about it or seeing similar brings it into sharp focus.

[IndestructibleGirl]

I saw my psychiatrist on Monday (the one I don't share with ex-therapist) and finally crumbled and asked for her professional opinion on whether to leave therapy. She was quite concerned and said it was a mess ethically, and yes, to walk away for my own sanity - saying it was probably partly responsible for my spiralling downwards towards the end of last year. But it feels like I have just exchanged one heap of pain for another.

Did also see the emergency counselling man last week to try to talk this through - and he was lovely, but a trainee and not much idea what to do and said it was his boundary that he probably couldn't see me while I was still seeing someone else. And then left a voicemail confirming it. I asked him if he could ask his superviser for a contact for somebody who might be open to talking about this with me, but he didn't say anything.

When I said, well, the problem I need help with is figuring this out he was very simplistic and said to talk about it with her regulatory body. Even though technically I could go ask for another appointment because I have no therapist, his simplicity over this makes me think he is not very experienced at all.

[JustShakey]

It's a trip, walking away from someone you love, even if they're abusive, unhealthy, whatever, etc. Maybe especially if they're abusive&...

Hang in there. Life feels awful big and empty without them at times, but it's your life to live, for you.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm so sorry. It's horrible. For me, the intense pain and loss lasted about three weeks.

I didn't post here about the details of leaving T1, but thinking it might be helpful to add my own experience. When I termed it was very cold and professional. I told him over the phone that things weren't working for me, that l wasn't connected to him, and that we were a bad fit. I lied to him. I hid my intense feelings for him for over a year, and could never come around and be honest. I'm not sure if he could sense the truth, but I could hear the pain in his voice when we said goodbye. I know he cared about me, but I wasn't satisfied with the client status. Felt so baiting and withholding. I get choked up thinking about how awful i was making it seem like it was all about him. I'm going to write him a letter someday explaining everything. Cant bring myself to do it yet.

I had a second t in place at the time, and talked and talked and talked about it. It helped.

I still think about T1, but I don't want to curl up in a ball anymore.

Hang in there, and be good to yourself.

[Gavinandnikki]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry if I have dredged up horrible emotional memories, I know you miss her every day but probably talking about it or seeing similar brings it into sharp focus.

Oh no!!! I am totally fine -and I mean that!! I can have my memories, tear up and be fine!!!!!! Absolutely;-).

Just wanted to share the range of emotions I felt and still feel. I am past the horror part.
Where you are now.

Be patient with yourself- even if you have to cram it down your throat lol.

First, brava!

Second, I have been through this twice (at the other end--being terminated for different reasons). I hope it's different when you are doing the leaving, because it was killer to be the one that was left. You are one kick *** gurl though. Nowhere to go but UP from here.

[Bill3]

.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Well, I feel a lot better already, which I wouldn't have believed possible. Not perfect, still feels as though I have a dozen rabid gerbils running round inside my abdomen, but I have managed to eat and my mood is a bit better than 'okay', even if it's not quite 'good'. It's like I'm quite devastated when I'm actively thinking about it but it's not seeping into every waking moment like I dreaded I would, and I'm still enjoying other stuff.

I'm not sure why it all feels better, but for now friends and other people are enough.

On the bright side, I think this is the first time in my life I have had a loss and run screaming into the agony and letting it get up in my face. Rather than trying to manipulate it into something manageable, and only letting people see small snapshots of what I felt. I'm kind of letting it all hang out. My friends all know how **** I'm feeling about it, and I feel relaxed and not a mass of anxiety that they know.