[scallion5]

I'm at a point in my therapy where I'm unsure whether I can continue. It's making things a lot worse in my day to day life - lots of crying, anxiety, can't wake up in the morning, work performance suffering, etc.

T believes this is a response to my trauma history and its coming up b/c we're on the edge of this in therapy. He said that if I continue, we'll be focusing on it - but that we'd also try and work on ways to manage my emotions and ways he can be better in making the process easier on me.

I am not sure I can look at the trauma history right now. Or ever. I understand in theory that I need to "work through" it to create new patterns and diminish the intensity of some things...but...I just don't know if I can. I am tired. I am scared. The last time I was in therapy as a teenager I did touch on the ptsd and it landed me in a hospital, overmedicated, and then removed from my high school to go to a 'special' school (terrible place) for kids with emotional issues. Not fun. Traumatic in itself, actually.

T hasn't proven himself to be so great at helping me to manage emotions and they are spilling all over my life uncontrollably. And, he's going to be gone soon for three weeks (yes, much less than my mind feared) on paternity leave.

Meanwhile, therapy is just all over the place. I have a huge work thing coming up that I wanted to focus on, but then I accidentally found out about him expecting a baby, and that derailed things and then it just kept getting worse and I finally was like: I don't know if I can keep going.

I'm not sure if there's a question here or not...the thought of ending therapy with him because I can't work on the trauma stuff hurts so bad today. The thought of working on the trauma stuff scares the living heck out of me. The thought of leaving therapy and having all of this opened up and unresolved seems like this will be just another relationship that I've ruined.

I feel like there's just no way out...and I feel like this is somehow my fault.

[Ididitmyway]

It's not your fault and you are not ruining the relationship with your therapist by taking a so much needed break.

It's a common myth among professionals, and a very unfortunate one I should say, that everyone should "work through" the trauma forcefully, even when they are in a horrible shape emotionally. It has been argued by many that such approach can be re-traumatizing and, while trauma has to be addressed, it has to be done very gently and gradually making sure that the client are in a balanced mental state at all times.

The analogy would be doing physical exercises when recovering from a serious illness. While exercising is essential under those circumstances as a way to aid recovery and to regain physical strength, no doctor in the right mind would suggest the patient to run a mile the first day they get out of bed, or to do as much exercising as possible every day. This would be insane thing to suggest.

Working with emotional trauma is no different. You can't "work though" it when you are in a vulnerable place and feel mentally exhausted. The most therapeutic thing to do in this situation is to regain your balance, and then start approaching trauma work very slowly.

Taking a break would be the best thing for you to do right now, and I hope you will be selfish enough to take care of yourself and not to concern yourself with taking care of your therapist's feelings. He is a professional, so, I am sure, he won't take it personally.

A break sounds like a really good idea, especially if he "hasn't proven himself to be so great at helping me to manage emotions."

I have been reading on this site for quite a while but registered to respond to your post because I thought maybe I had written it myself . I am currently on therapy "vacation" while I try to sort out whether or not I can work on my trauma - now or ever. The last time I tried, I destabilized and ended up in the hospital...which was re-traumatizing.

So, I don't have any advice, but am curious to see what others say and offer my empathy for your situation.

I have been a "lurker" for many months, but registered because I could have written your post and wanted to offer at least a hearty "I can relate". I am currently on therapy "vacation" while I try to figure out if I can work on my trauma - now or ever (although I understand "ever" is a long time). The last time I dived into it, I destablized so badly I ended up hospitalized. I am currently stable and happy and, while I understand it's probably necessary, the thought of opening up that box again paralyzes me.

The only advice I can offer is take some time to get stable, then decide.