Losing it at work....

I am at work right now. I have felt myself going downhill ever since last Tuesday after seeing T. This session, along with 8 pages of single spaced journal writing in the last week, have stirred up countless emotions and "acting out" behaviors. This includes not taking my medication for the past three days. I am really starting to lose it... I called my husband to tell him something. Then he said, "Is there anything else?" And I just snapped. I yelled at him, I started to cry (in my office). After I got off the phone with him, I threw my cell phone against my file cabinet (twice). I was shaking and almost crying, but trying not to because I didn't want to open my office door and walk out crying. I returned to the stupid job of filing client notes for the inspection (not my job, but they like to pile it on me anyway) and my anger felt so out of control. This overwhelming urge came over me to just rip up all of the client notes. It got to the point in which I really was afraid I was going to do it, so I got up and went outside. I see T and my pdoc tomorrow. I don't feel like seeing the pdoc, I don't even want to look at his f***ing face. What the f*** can he tell me?

I don't feel well. I cannot wait to get out of work today. The agency is closed tomorrow for the last day of Passover, so I do not have to go in. I want to go home, but I don't really want to be there either...

I can't even imagine what my session with T will be like tomorrow...

((Pinksoil))

Hang in there. Hugs to you. Get out of the office & take a walk if you can; it might help you manage or change your mood so you can make it thru the rest of the day. Eat some protein--it's brain food.

Poor (((pinksoil))) !!!

I wish I had some words of comfort to offer. That just sucks. At least you won't have to go in to work tomorrow. That should help things!

And yeah get outside for a bit if you can. Helps just to get out of the office environment for a while.

At least you'll have a lot to talk about tomorrow! I'll be sending you good vibes... hope it'll be a good session..... Just try to relax for a while.....

Sidony

I can guess how you might feel, I've lost it at work without an office door to contain me. If you can, go home early (that is if you think it won't make things worse.) Hang in there, tomorrow's just around the corner.

(((((pinksoil))))

Hang in there Pinksoil, tomorrow will come sooner than you think. You've had so many insights since last session.

I totally get the work thing. I almost quit my job last week and cried in front of my boss like an idiot. I know its because of my session with T. I NEVER cry in front of anyone.

I'm overwhelmed too but it will get better....I'm sure of it.
In the meantime, we both feel like this....

(((((((pinksoil)))))))))))

Hope your appointment goes well tomorrow.

Hey sweetie. i'm sorry things are hard for you right now. i imagine your p-doc will say something like 'you shouldn't just stop taking your meds like that. if you really want to stop you should do a gradual withrawal, otherwise you should keep taking them'. but of course you know that already and i guess you need to feel bad right now. sometimes... people need to grieve. to rage and the like. sometimes it can feel kinda intensely good and intensely bad to get it out both at the same time... don't know how much this is resonating.

> I can't even imagine what my session with T will be like

well... maybe he will get to see some more of you than the 'good client'. you might well find... that showing him some of this (and having a good cry) will leave you feeling a whole lot better?

maybe.

i hope it goes well for you.

I'm so glad you have your appointment tomorrow! It seems like this is related to your last session.

Any thoughts you'd like to share about taking versus not taking your medication?

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alexandra_k said:
i imagine your p-doc will say something like 'you shouldn't just stop taking your meds like that. if you really want to stop you should do a gradual withrawal, otherwise you should keep taking them'.

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I had to laugh when I read this. You have the 'speech' down perfectly.

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but of course you know that already and i guess you need to feel bad right now. sometimes... people need to grieve. to rage and the like. sometimes it can feel kinda intensely good and intensely bad to get it out both at the same time... don't know how much this is resonating.

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A lot is resonating. Whatever is going on with me right now; it is happening for a reason, I know that.

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well... maybe he will get to see some more of you than the 'good client'. you might well find... that showing him some of this (and having a good cry) will leave you feeling a whole lot better?

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I think I have been 'acting out' a bit as a way to keep the emotion going until I see T-- so that I don't go in tomorrow as the 'good client' like I always do. I was mad at him when I left last week, and I do not want to let that go.. Unfortunately, I do not yet have the skills to hold onto that anger without acting it out. And furthermore, I can't see how I can let him know I'm angry without doing a whole bunch of things to make him sorry he ever pissed me off in the first place. Very mature and sophisticated, I know.

Thanks for your response, Alex. You seem to understand a lot about me.

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ECHOES said:

Any thoughts you'd like to share about taking versus not taking your medication?

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It's so pathetic, but I'm completely doing it on purpose. I refuse to take it right now. I think it's because I know it will bother T. No, it's because I know it will force him to be concerned about me. Yes, I think that's it. Last week, he was very concerned because I had told him how I got very angry in the car and threw my cell phone against the dashboard while I was driving. He got all concerned that I was going to hurt myself, and asked me not to do that anymore. (Of course I got pissed anyway-- can't win with me). So I guess what I'm doing is replicating the self-destructive behavior to evoke a response from T. I am also really enjoying the control of "I can choose to not take this medication. I can completely refuse." There is something slightly exciting about that. Plus, it will annoy the pdoc a bit too, so I'm killing 2 birds with 1 stone. I'm f***ing sick.

> I think I have been 'acting out' a bit as a way to keep the emotion going until I see T-- so that I don't go in tomorrow as the 'good client' like I always do.

That sounds really very insightful to me. And... Productive too. You are doing what you can so you can be upfront and real with your t. Kind of building up (or keeping up) the courage to confront him with some of those very real feelings.

> Unfortunately, I do not yet have the skills to hold onto that anger without acting it out.

Our actions have quite an impact on how we are feeling. There really is some truth in the 'fake it until you make it' saying. In the notion that if you smile and act happy then after a time you start to feel that way. (Not always of course, but there is some truth). Same with negative emotions. I was reading something last night about how ruminating does indeed keep that emotion firing away (wow - I didn't know they had done the research on that, that was a question I have been asking myself for a while now). You need to do what you need to do... And... Sounds to me that you are doing the best you can in order to help you show your t something fairly scary and 'real' about yourself... And that... You should be commended for that.

(Maybe this is a bit odd / unexpected... But I really do think that you are trying to do something for the greater good of the therapy relationship. It can be jolly hard to express such things as anger at t... I showed some of that last week... Maybe this is a bit odd... But I get terrors that my rage will kill him... But I need to take risks and nothing risked nothing gained... Seeing t handle it in a good way can improve the therapy relationship and help ones progress SO MUCH)

> I can't see how I can let him know I'm angry without doing a whole bunch of things to make him sorry he ever pissed me off in the first place.

Express your anger. Say to him 'I felt mad and I still feel mad'. TELL him you feel mad. Feel mad. See what he does with that :-)

But please tell him. Express it sure. Act it out, sure. But please tell him. (Think of the acting out as being verbal expression of what is going on and emotional expression rather than bodily movement / behaviour). It is still acting out... But telling someone you feel pissed off (and showing them some of the emotion) is much more mature than not telling him and making biting comments and the like. Really... If there is a more mature way to handle the feelings I don't know what it is (denial ain't so mature either)

;-)

Hey Pinksoil,

How ya feelin' today? I don't judge you when I read that you quit taking your meds because it'll make your therapist concerned about you. Sometimes I'm totally attention-seeking too. Sometimes I'll plan NOT to talk about a subject just because I know he wants me to. Actually last night I was planning to say nothing in group (what I usually do naturally) and then avoid the topic of group altogether today in individual. Something tells me that would bug him. Of course I've already screwed up by participating last night, but I guess I was in a weird mood.

What is it that makes us want to provoke our therapists? It's not like I don't get total attention when I'm there. But maybe I like total attention better when it seems that the other person is really worried that I'm screwing things up. Somehow that kind of attention seems more attentive or something. I dunno.

I hope you can hang onto your anger, but don't put yourself at risk too much. I mean, take those meds if you need 'em to keep from losing it at work!!!

I'm at work right now, and I feel like I'm in a stupor. Guess my job's not too exciting today.

I hope your week gets better....

Sidony