[Sawyerr]

In general, I'm not very caring, and I don't worry about other people, at least not for real/honestly. I don't feel anything when I see someone cry, hurting or being sad. I also don't feel guilty for hurting/disappointing/leaving people, but when it comes to my T, I have no idea who I am.
I do that push - pull thing with her and feel really bad after it. I think I ruined it all, and because I was cold to her she will become cold to me too. When she is looking tired/sad, I get concerned and dissociate. I feel enormous sadness when I imagine her sad. This is so atypical and confusing for me. Why do I feel like that?
She always reassures me that she is OK, I don't need to worry about her, she is an adult and can take care of herself, etc.

Do you ever worry about your T? Do you know why you do it, or what might the reason for it be?

Thank you.

[scallion5]

Yes, I worry quite frequently that I'm 'wearing him out'. I do get close then push him away. I feel bad, too, because I wish I could just stay close and I wish I wasn't mean to him. I get mean sometimes...and I can see sometimes I hurt him. Even when I'm not trying to... It can make me afraid of sharing lots of things, so he tries to tell me he can take care of himself.

The thinking is that, as a child, I had to take care of my parents somewhat. I was attuned to them to meet their needs, not the other way around. This comes out in therapy as me trying to 'attune' to my therapist when I think I may have jeopardized the relationship or think he might leave me.

For me, keeping my mom somewhat happy/non-depressed was a thing.

This only happens to me in very, very close relationships. With T, it accentuates how we may have interacted in earlier experiences and kind of brings it to light in ways that other relationships may not.

Perhaps therapy is beginning to unlock your inate sense of empathy which you aren't able to feel in other relationships. One of the purposes of therapy can be to help heal the parts of you that make forming healthy relationships in real life difficult. Sounds like therapy is working

I have worried too that I might have ruined it all, but actually see that T is constant throughout, and this is therapy.

[precaryous]

Yes, I worry that I am too high maintenance for my T, that I might wear her out. I have also been concerned about smaller issues. I believe I do this because I have an anxious temperament, I have always been in the caring role, and I relate to her as a "mother" figure.

It's just what I do.

[mortalache]

All the time I worry that by sharing so much of my hurt, it's leading my therapist to think I'm a hopeless case. I feared scaring him away early on. That I'm bringing his state of mind down to how low mine is has been another worry. I just relate to what you're talking about. I have issues with trusting that help can be given to me without conditions and high expectations, so I think I go into sessions paying too much attention to all that I may be doing wrong as I try to open up in discussion.

[stopdog]

No. I do not worry about the therapist. The game is set up by them and I assume they are able to take care of themselves and if they are not, it is their problem to deal with, not mine.
I do feel sympathy/empathy for people in real life who struggle. I don't enjoy disappointing others and I do try very hard not to hurt people unnecessarily.

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by Sawyerr

In general, I'm not very caring, and I don't worry about other people, at least not for real/honestly. I don't feel anything when I see someone cry, hurting or being sad. I also don't feel guilty for hurting/disappointing/leaving people, but when it comes to my T, I have no idea who I am.
I do that push - pull thing with her and feel really bad after it. I think I ruined it all, and because I was cold to her she will become cold to me too. When she is looking tired/sad, I get concerned and dissociate. I feel enormous sadness when I imagine her sad. This is so atypical and confusing for me. Why do I feel like that?

Does it feel good to care about someone? I know it must be scary, but I hope it feels great and lightens your heart. Sounds like you are making some progress in therapy. That's awesome!

As a thought, would you feel better about telling her what you wrote here? If it's too much to express verbally, maybe you could write her a note. Just so she knows that you do care, and that you have worries associated with caring. She could likely ease your mind about that, too.

I worry about her all the time. She is on the other side of the world in a place I dont feel is safe. I worry about everyone in my family also.

But it's not really about T being sad......

[Sawyerr]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

But it's not really about T being sad......

What do you mean?

[Sawyerr]

I don't want to start new thread, but there is something I forgot to add in this one. When this happen (that I get so very worried and sad about her) she tells me to feel my body, myself, she tells me to say: 'I am Sawyer.', and I don't really understand why does she do that. I imagine she thinks, I think we are the same person. I don't know how to explain this, but it's like she wants me to realize we are separated beings. Hope this makes any sense.

Do you think it's possible that I feel we are 'one', and that's why she says those things?

I don't know why she says it, but if you ask her I'd be curious to know. Does it make any sense to you the suggestion that you might feel you are 'one'?

[Sawyerr]

It does make sense to me and I want to ask her about it, but I am too ashamed to actually do it. It would be terrible if she knew I feel like that.

[ragsnfeathers]

I'm not sure why it would be terrible. If she does think that, and if it's being matter-of-factly talked about here, which it is, that means you wouldn't be the first or the last to feel like this. And having her know this, if it's true, would lead to more self-knowlege, and more self- acceptance, and maybe even eventually a bigger range of feeling, and isn't that what therapy's about?

Besides, if this was true and she did know now, she's reacting to it with caring.

Does feeling your body and saying, I am...help?

Originally Posted by Sawyerr

I don't want to start new thread, but there is something I forgot to add in this one. When this happen (that I get so very worried and sad about her) she tells me to feel my body, myself, she tells me to say: 'I am Sawyer.', and I don't really understand why does she do that. I imagine she thinks, I think we are the same person. I don't know how to explain this, but it's like she wants me to realize we are separated beings. Hope this makes any sense.

Do you think it's possible that I feel we are 'one', and that's why she says those things?

You explained it very well.Yes, there is a stage infants go through where they can't tell the difference between the mother and themselves. That could be why you felt sad when you thought she was sad.

That is before psychological boundaries are formed. To the baby, the mother seems like an object to get his needs met until he starts to realize that he's separate. Like when it sees his bottle fall and roll away when he drops it. That's when he starts to realize HE actually causes things to happen (is powerful), not just the mother-him entity. Self-psychology (i.e., Kohut) explains this a lot.

Whereas psychosis is merger with self and the environment, so it could also be thought of and compared within the context of psychological boundaries.

Adults can get kind of stuck in this stage when developmental needs are not met. Psychodynamic therapy is the only way to change this, imo. You learn (experientially or implicitly) what emotions comes from you and what comes from the other person.

[jaynedough]

Sometimes I worry that I'm gonna break my T. Or that I already have.