[elliemay]

A quote about change

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar."

-Thich Nhat Hanh

Perhaps that is also why a close examination of the relationship with the therapist can bring about change. In the relationship with the therapist, we are creating familiar patterns that maintain our suffering.

Recognizing and understanding those patterns can be key to changing them.

Thank you for offering this insight, elliemay...

Originally Posted by elliemay

A quote about change

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar."

-Thich Nhat Hanh

I know I became very "comfortable" in my suffering. It was what I knew, and doing anything differently scared me. That required taking risks, making conscious decisions to do things differently, approach life differently, see myself differently. Tough work, but the good news is that I don't think I could ever be "comfortable" in my suffering again. I've finally seen that there is a better option for me, a place where I can be content and stable and actually quite happy with my life.

[feralkittymom]

Yeah. I think many times when clients are very upset with their Ts' behavior (and there's no unethical or incompetent behavior involved) and want it to change, it's because it's at those junctures that the old coping behaviors are activated. Those can be the moments of growth, but only if the resistance can be overcome. Of course, a lot of it is unconscious and it takes time to process through.

LOTS of time . . .

Originally Posted by elliemay

A quote about change

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar."

-Thich Nhat Hanh

Perhaps that is also why a close examination of the relationship with the therapist can bring about change. In the relationship with the therapist, we are creating familiar patterns that maintain our suffering.

Recognizing and understanding those patterns can be key to changing them.

Not sure 'prefer' is the right word.
If they had insight into what change could be for them, they would 'prefer' that

Originally Posted by elliemay

A quote about change

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar."

-Thich Nhat Hanh

Perhaps that is also why a close examination of the relationship with the therapist can bring about change. In the relationship with the therapist, we are creating familiar patterns that maintain our suffering.

Recognizing and understanding those patterns can be key to changing them.

While I agree in principle that this is one possible reason for change not happening, it can be (and is) used to shame people for not "wanting" to change. I have heard this saying many many times - not this exact quote, but the sentiment - but until I could understand it from my own experience and perspective, it only served to increase my self-loathing.

If it works for someone, great, but I, too, have seen this concept used to manipulate people or to blame others for not wanting to change; in theory, it can appeal to some as a means to push people towards change, but I think in reality, the 'operationalization' of this concept is uncommon. Fear of the unknown is at least fairly common, and i know some people are very fear adverse, but for many, the need to end suffering trumps a need to not avoid that fear. So the underlying dynamics are much more complex.

I don't know many people who prefer/choose suffering, but I do know some people have a need(s)--often unconscious--to be punished, masochism, survivor guilt, etc. I think one of the more common reason for suffering is years of bad parenting that gets interwoven in a person's total way of being/personality, especially those who had pre-verbal neglect and abuse. The Roman orphanage studies show the permanent damage this causes. It damages the reward center and other areas of the brain, which is very difficult to 'undo'. I don't think everyone fully recovers from this damage, although I do believe positive change is possible. But depending on the extent of early damage and the person, it takes years and years of hard work imo, not simply a conscious choice to stop suffering or overcome the fear of the unknown.

I'm not sure if change refers to feelings or behaviors or both; I know it's a lot easier to change behaviors initially, but that usually doesn't last. Repressing feelings takes a good deal of mental resources, which eventually get exhausted, then the feelings surface one way or another. Usually with a relational loss or other significant, adverse life event. So I think a more realistic of choosing of not suffering is more apt to happen via unconscious defenses, but when the defenses wear down, one can find themselves in a worse place that is difficult to get out of through no fault of their own.

I don't believe elliemay's post of that quote was about blame; it is just what it is. People get used to the status quo and often find themselves stuck there because the alternative, the unknown is frightening. How many times do we read right here people talking about being stuck, fearful of taking the next step, unable to motivate themselves to do what they know rationally they need to do, etc.? That's not blaming; it's just the reality. It is also not saying if people will just change their ways, it will be all fixed. That's reading more into the quote than the quote is addressing. The quote itself addresses people where they are; it makes no effort at prescribing what we need to do.

I don't think elliemay was intending to shame or blame anybody - that would be seriously out of character for her. I was simply stating what I have experienced before in connection with that line of thought, and that type of statement. (I know that my interpretations of what other people say to me, and my feelings, are my own responsibility and nobody else's problem.)

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I don't believe elliemay's post of that quote was about blame; it is just what it is. People get used to the status quo and often find themselves stuck there because the alternative, the unknown is frightening. How many times do we read right here people talking about being stuck, fearful of taking the next step, unable to motivate themselves to do what they know rationally they need to do, etc.? That's not blaming; it's just the reality. It is also not saying if people will just change their ways, it will be all fixed. That's reading more into the quote than the quote is addressing. The quote itself addresses people where they are; it makes no effort at prescribing what we need to do.

Thanks lola; no, I didn't think anyone was blaming. I do see people often struggling with blaming themselves, so I wanted to provide another perspective. It's difficult enough to have the problems, but when sometimes when you (anyone) start blaming yourself, it can compound things and make it even more difficult to change. There are some here who seem to have harsh superego's.

[elliemay]

I'm not sure there is an element of choice implied in the quote. I think is pretty adequately describes a natural human state (at least for me).

Also reminds be of a less eloquent saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it".

Well, I think a very hard part of therapy might be stepping back and trying to answer the question "Gosh, what if it is broke?"

I think it was the phrase "they prefer suffering" that left a bad taste....

But i'm experiencing raw anger right now and am starting to see it surface and circumvent in areas outside of therapy, so I should probably stay away from forum discussions at this time.

[elliemay]

I rescue animals. Boy have I learned a lot from their recovery. Observing them as helped me soooo much with my own.

One particular critter comes to mind here. He was born and raised in a basement. Never, ever saw the sun. Ever. Didn't even know there was an outside.

It horrified him when he first saw natural light. It was clearly traumatic for him. He was simply overwhelmed at the out of doors. To keep him comfortable, while he returned to physical health, I had to keep him shielded as best I could from all things that weren't familiar and like the basement.

I sat with him for hours in a room with a window until he came to accept it, and even became curious about it.

He'll go outside now. Seems to enjoy the warmth of the sun and fresh air. He's developing some truly positive associations with it. He realized he could run on strong legs. Awesome.

Would anyone blame that animal for being frightened? Never. Ever. It was totally new to him. It's only natural that he would prefer what he has always known. Who wouldn't?

[feralkittymom]

I think it's just reflecting the power of the status quo in human nature. Change is psychologically, maybe even biologically, threatening independent of whether the change is positive or negative.