[guilloche]

Can anyone share their experiences quitting T?

Not getting kicked out, and not cancelling when you've only seen them a handful of times... but actually going in, thanking T for trying to help for almost a year, but recognizing it's not doing anything and is too expensive to continue with no results?

How did your T react? How did the discussion go?

[ragsnfeathers]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Can anyone share their experiences quitting T?

Not getting kicked out, and not cancelling when you've only seen them a handful of times... but actually going in, thanking T for trying to help for almost a year, but recognizing it's not doing anything and is too expensive to continue with no results?

How did your T react? How did the discussion go?

I recently did after about 3 years. I'm not sure it's useful to anyone else but here it is:

Sessions for a long time had devolved to debates about what I need and how I need to get it. I had quit once before but a few weeks after I did I found out I needed to be in therapy for another month to satisfy requirements for a disability claim. I wasn't in a good place to look for a new therapist and old T agreed to take me back so I went. When that was over I stayed, but it still wasn't helping so I quit. She was shocked because I had given her positive feedback about some specific things a few weeks before. Basically, she returned my check for the session and said she couldn't take it because she wasn't helping me, even though she did help me in a lot of concrete ways and well knew I appreciated that. The session ended maybe 10 - 15 minutes after it started. A couple months later, after I knew I had a new therapist, I emailed her telling her (so she would know this time it was real) and thanking her for everything she did for me. She replied the next day with a few short encouraging sentences which seemed more like politeness than real. That was it.

There was a lot of stuff going on in mine that I assume didn't apply to yours. But there you have it. Include this in the range of replies you'll probably get.

[guilloche]

Thanks Ragsnfeathers... that's interesting that she let you leave early, and gave you back your check. I did have one T that I saw for about 3 years also who, when I told her I was quitting (I was taking a break due to some physical problems that popped up) - she let me do a shortened (cheaper!) session. I appreciated that.

[ThisWayOut]

I've quit after a few sessions in, and told her I felt like it just wasn't working. I have not had to quit with other t's after so long because most of the time I was seeing students so it was understood we would not continue beyond the year.

actually I have had to say "thanks for everything but this isn't working"... most recent Previous t was leaving the agency but gave me flexibility around our termination. We were supposed to go through the end of the year, but I realized it was worse for me to drag it out. I went in to the appointment, chatted about some stuff from the previous weeks, then told her I needed that session to be it. It was ultimately her goal to give me that control, but I think I took her by surprise. We talked about what had worked, and what I wanted in my next therapist. Then we ended on time (for the first time in a long time), and that was it...

I'm guessing it might be good to simply be upfront about not feeling like the match is right, and tell him why. He sounds like he'd take it in stride...

Are you thinking of along for a referral or looking for another t? He might know someone that would be a better fit, so he may be helpful with that part.

[clairelisbeth]

Yes-about a year after working with T2, I realized I wasn't making progress and decided to switch. I let him know that I really appreciated his help but that I felt I needed something different going forward. He told me that he had a great deal of respect for me and that his door is always open. And that was that. It was very uneventful.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[stopdog]

I saw a therapist for only a couple of months and it was not going well. I said I am going to quit and she said "You cannot just quit, we have to make that decision together." I said "Watch me" and left and did not go back.

[Lauliza]

I've quit seeing Ts and pdocs but never with any formal process. I talked about it with one but usually I just stop going.

[guilloche]

Thanks...

ThisWayOut - you may be right about him taking it in stride. I guess I keep going back and forth though. I feel pretty miserable and don't see how any therapy is going to help, I just can't seem to get therapy to work for me and I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

[missbella]

I experienced the worst-case scenario -- my therapist team turning scornful and insulting, accusing me of running away, predicting my dire future and interpreting my dissatisfaction as signaling an imminent breakthrough that I was denying. Like an insistent young male on a date, the male therapist was certain he knew my thoughts better than I did, that no meant yes. And when I complained much later, he was just as stubborn and staunch.

The state complaint board judged this ethical.

[ThisWayOut]

perhaps another conversation about how you do not feel understood is in order? I know with one T, I had th econversation, then wrote it down to give to her another time, then had to have another conversation later about it. It took a while, but we figured it out...
If it's really not working though, can you write out what is not working, and why you think it isn't helping? If anything did help, write that out too, with your best guess as to why it worked.
That way at least you can work it out a bit for yourself. I would suggest taking it in to talk about, but if you really want to quit with him, then it might not matter.
i'm sorry therapy seems so discouraging... it definitely takes the "right fit" and right time even... and sometimes talk just doesn't work for some people.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I saw a therapist for only a couple of months and it was not going well. I said I am going to quit and she said "You cannot just quit, we have to make that decision together." I said "Watch me" and left and did not go back.

Good for you!

[Perna]

I have treated one termination like it was a job (I was moving too far away) and gave 2 weeks notice and worked with that. Have you thought beyond the actual termination? What are you going to do "instead"? For me, if I have a plan for my life after whatever, it really helps as I can not feel so guilty or anxious since I am going to something else.

[guilloche]

Thanks ThisWayOut - you probably right about trying to talk to him again. I may... I'm not sure I'm 100% ready to just walk out at this point, but I'm getting there, and it's not feeling like a knee-jerk reaction to anything. I'm just noticing more and more when I try to talk about things, it doesn't feel good or helpful. It's like constantly tossing a ball, and watching the other person miss - the conversations just don't really take off. Therapy ends up feeling like "one more thing on my to-do list" and like I don't get anything out of it .

Thanks Perna - yeah, I actually was much more stable between therapists then while seeing any of them, so I don't feel like things will get worse when I quit. I'll re-focus on trying to establish some healthy habits around food/sleep/exercise (which were doing great before this therapist, but have had some setbacks this year), work on finding ways to connect with more people, and I guess try to get out of the soul-sucking job. Those all seem like good goals that I can tackle, and I'm not getting really help from my therapist, so I don't think I'll feel a hole without him. I might eventually try again, but I'd need a little bit of a break, I think.

I keep thinking the problem is that I just don't *get* therapy. I haven't had a good therapy experience, and just don't know how to get value from it, and no therapist has really been helpful in helping me bridge that gap...

[ThisWayOut]

I think not having had a good therapy experience goes a long way in making it difficult to find it helpful.
If things are good without T though, then maybe it's not for you (be it only at this time, or ever)...

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I think not having had a good therapy experience goes a long way in making it difficult to find it helpful.
If things are good without T though, then maybe it's not for you (be it only at this time, or ever)...

Thanks, this makes sense. But it's heartbreaking too. I guess I feel like I've been penalized my whole life for being too "competent"... you know I was miserable and alone and depressed growing up, but I got good grades, went to school, kept to myself, didn't get in to any kind of trouble...

All the external stuff looked good, and nobody cared about the internal stuff. And honestly, it almost feels like it's like that with Ts too. And it shouldn't be. But for the life of me, I can't seem to match up with a T that:

- cares, and communicates that in a way I can see and hold on to
- is competent, and communicates THAT in a way I can see
- can be helpful in any noticeable way

It's really hard when I see how much other people really, genuinely like their Ts and seem to look forward to going! I know people must be getting something out of it! Even if it were *just* feeling understood and empathized with, that would be a step up...

Heck, even if my T were to say... "Hey, I've got an idea. Let's figure out what it is that makes therapy hard for you, and what makes you feel like you're not getting anything out of it, and work on THOSE FIRST - so that you can actually learn how to benefit from therapy, and maybe jumpstart this service I'm providing so you can see some results sooner rather than later!" - that would be great.

Honestly, I don't even know what "to work on something in therapy" *means*. We've talked about goals (several times), he writes them down and says we're working on them, but it makes no sense to me.

It's like if you said your goal was to be an astronaut. Coming in and saying, "so how was your week" doesn't compute for me as a way to work on the goal of being an astronaut. If I were the T in that case I think I'd do thinks like:
- Assess - how much do you know about the astronaut job, and about the requirements to get there
- If you haven't, have you start researching what you need to do to become an astronaut
- If you didn't know how to do that, we'd start a side goal of understanding how to research careers, where to find information, maybe how to use the internet if that was what was needed.

Maybe that's it... I feel like there are these tiny little things (like that last subgoal) that I just don't even know exist (maybe?) that I'd love a T to say, "Oh, OK... I see you have problems maintaining connection. That's an important prerequisite for your other goals, so what do you think about working on that first? It will make everything else much easier. Yes? Great... and now... *here's what you need to do to work on this*"

It just feels like it's so... murky. Show up. Babble about stuff that doesn't matter. Pay a bunch of money. Repeat repeat repeat. Go home and cry that therapy doesn't work.

Am I missing something?

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Thanks, this makes sense. But it's heartbreaking too. I guess I feel like I've been penalized my whole life for being too "competent"... you know I was miserable and alone and depressed growing up, but I got good grades, went to school, kept to myself, didn't get in to any kind of trouble...

All the external stuff looked good, and nobody cared about the internal stuff. And honestly, it almost feels like it's like that with Ts too. And it shouldn't be. But for the life of me, I can't seem to match up with a T that:

- cares, and communicates that in a way I can see and hold on to
- is competent, and communicates THAT in a way I can see
- can be helpful in any noticeable way

It's really hard when I see how much other people really, genuinely like their Ts and seem to look forward to going! I know people must be getting something out of it! Even if it were *just* feeling understood and empathized with, that would be a step up...

Heck, even if my T were to say... "Hey, I've got an idea. Let's figure out what it is that makes therapy hard for you, and what makes you feel like you're not getting anything out of it, and work on THOSE FIRST - so that you can actually learn how to benefit from therapy, and maybe jumpstart this service I'm providing so you can see some results sooner rather than later!" - that would be great.

Honestly, I don't even know what "to work on something in therapy" *means*. We've talked about goals (several times), he writes them down and says we're working on them, but it makes no sense to me.

It's like if you said your goal was to be an astronaut. Coming in and saying, "so how was your week" doesn't compute for me as a way to work on the goal of being an astronaut. If I were the T in that case I think I'd do thinks like:
- Assess - how much do you know about the astronaut job, and about the requirements to get there
- If you haven't, have you start researching what you need to do to become an astronaut
- If you didn't know how to do that, we'd start a side goal of understanding how to research careers, where to find information, maybe how to use the internet if that was what was needed.

Maybe that's it... I feel like there are these tiny little things (like that last subgoal) that I just don't even know exist (maybe?) that I'd love a T to say, "Oh, OK... I see you have problems maintaining connection. That's an important prerequisite for your other goals, so what do you think about working on that first? It will make everything else much easier. Yes? Great... and now... *here's what you need to do to work on this*"

It just feels like it's so... murky. Show up. Babble about stuff that doesn't matter. Pay a bunch of money. Repeat repeat repeat. Go home and cry that therapy doesn't work.

Am I missing something?

There are definitely T's out there that work like this. I've actaully had a few. It's just a matter of finding them. When looking for a T, be clear that you need help with your goals, and that you want *concrete* help with them. This is actually the type of T my wife had a really difficult time finding, but eventually did more than once. it is possible to find a more directive and active T. If you were in central CT, I could give you the name of one guy that my wife saw briefly and totally loved working with

Why not take in the post and give to your T. You seem to know what you need from therapy.

Also, I can totally relate to looking "too competant" even for a T. I have a bad habit of minimizing everythign until I just can;t handle anythign anymore, then I crash hard and fast. Most T's, if they have not seen me go from "excellent" to "lower than shark **** shadow", they have no clue. I have to them for more help until I and then they finally figure it out. kinda sad actually... I'm sorry no one paid attention to the inside stuff growing up. It can really suck.

[lunatic soul]

When I quit my pdocs I just stopped to see them, I changed them, then I saw one, then another, then came back.

When I left my former T, I texted him, then he called me, then we talked for half hour and said goodbye. I decided to go to the final session and gave him something, he was sad but I was desperate, I hugged him and he rejected me. After this we emailed and I called him. Then I came back but it seems it was hard for him to forgive me.

[WikidPissah]

Hi...
I've had a couple of "quits". I was in T for 3 years with a kind of pious man, who preached at me more than helped me. I would be fine all week, then see him on Friday and I'd feel crappy about myself. It was a repeating pattern, but I am not one to give up, so it took me three years. I just left him a voice mail saying I was worn out, and therapy seemed more harm than good. I took 6 months off, then settled in with a new T for almost 4 yrs. At first it seemed great, I began to trust him. Every once in a while I would even "lean on him" via email/text. He was always there in a flash. Then it went bad, started feeling like I was repeating myself every week. He couldn't remember anything. I got an accidental email from him that was really bad. Finally I started chronicling my sessions, and after a year or so of that I realized that out of 7 or 8 sessions feeling like he was not helping, I'd get 1 that was okay. I quit via text message, and followed it up with a really nasty email when I found out (after the fact) that he was breaking confidence. Not proud of that email at all.

It took a few weeks to get over the first guy.
Took almost 6 mos to get over the 2nd. It's been 2.5 yrs without a T, and I do pine for him every once in a while. I tried a few t's after him, but honestly...I do much better when I don't focus on me.