[granite1]

I don't know what im looking for by putting this here and I am sorry if ive bothered anyone . my T has never behaved in such a way as she has today. I don't know what to think about it at all. I don't know if it is good, bad or what but it is confusing.
I keep what I call a therapy journal. I write some thoughts I might have after therapy or maybe stuff I feel through out the week .after last weeks session I was feeling confused and scared about how she was reacting to things . I wrote about that in my journal and then some other things that at this point I don't remember. I asked her if she wanted to read what I wrote about last week and she had said that she would love to. so I got it out and opened it to the page I wanted to show her. maybe I wanted her to read the other stuff before that because I should have known there was a possibility she would want to read back. and she did I had written more about the dream that I had a while back .this entry was from 3 weeks ago. anyway she asked if we had missed anything further back and she looked back and said oh I guess we did miss a lot here. I started to completely panic .I knew what she was talking about but refused to believe she was going there.it couldn't be true . but she did. she reread about the first part of the dream mostly to her self except for the end. she asked me how I was doing and I just shrugged my shoulders and said I don't care . I know I should have said stop but I was confused and scared. I was already freaking out and didn't want to make it worse .then she said that she had not read the next part and I think she was warning me that she was about to start doing that . not only did she start reading it but she started reading it out loud. I didn't want to hear the words . I completely came unraveled ,I don't understand why she did this to me . she use to read stuff I wrote out loud but stopped .what she was doing was causing all kinds of horrible things to go on and I was stuck with all these horrible thoughts and memories . it was like what she was reading was real and I couldn't move. I could hear her but it didn't matter I couldn't respond it took to much energy and thought to say anything to her. I didn't want to. the crap in my head was bad enough I hurt and couldn't do anything about it. I have not been that stuck in such a long time and my T had never reacted in the way that she did this time . I don't understand. one minute I saw her as causing all this pain and the next as being so strong and comforting, just as scary if not as confusing. I just hurt physically and emotionally . I know she was calling my name like she use to .I just wanted to ignore her and stop the hurt. why did she do this . she asked me to raise my hand if I couldn't talk but I couldn't raise my hand I was just panicked and omg the thoughts were so hurtful . I wanted her to make things better . im so humiliated I should be better then this. she started to tell me I needed to count with her and she started with 100.it was calming to her the stupid numbers . she kept asking me to count with her that it would help and she would start at 100 again . it did seem to help the spiral I was in to stop. she then got up herself and said that she was going to get my blanket . she never has done that she has always asked if I wanted to go get it .I think I was some what calmer at this point as she gave me the blanket I covered myself and she had me go back to counting and breathing at every 10 count. I was calmer but I started shaking and I started freaking out because I couldn't stop and I yelled why am I shaking because I wanted it to stop. she actually got up out of her chair and came over to me my body just seemed so out of control . she told me that it was ok and that this stuff happens and she pulled the blanket around me a little better so it was covering me all over and she said that's right keep breathing . I was humiliated, ashamed, terrified. but at the same time she seemed so comforting and strong. once again nothing seemed to connect . what I was feeling was not what seemed to be going on . I was so angry at her but I seemed to be comforted at the same time .god so confusing and I don't trust any of it . I don't want to be the person who is so dependent on the T that I cant function without her around. I didnt want to hear the words she was reading . I was so ashamed about my reaction to them .it was horrible. she was saying that this can happen when someone has suffered such trauma .

she thinks this dream was more memory then dream . I couldn't tell her if it was. I know a lot of it was bits and pieces of things that happened to me and others of it was feelings I had etc.. but it was to overwhelming thing to deal with. I don't know how to take it all in. I see her as causing this pain and then comforting it . is this real . is she sadistic like that . I asked her if she felt I was ridiculous for not being able to talk about this stuff. she said not at all that she thinks I am really brave for not running away. but I was unable to talk to her about any things running around in my head . just like always . I know that she is some sort of trauma specialist but she has never pushed me like this before . there was so much more she said but I don't remember .maybe as I calm down ill remember because I know she said things that calmed me .
thanks for reading so much if you maybe it through this mess

[ThisWayOut]

sounds like she thought you needed to go there, and that you would be able to handle it... I'm sorry it's so confusing right now...

I know when my t pushed me like that in the past, it sucked in the moment, but the next day (s) it was a huge relief to have finally gotten to that point. I kinda wish my current t would push me like that, so I'm probably not responding to this in a way you would want... sorry.

[Middlemarcher]

Sometimes when we get through a really intense session, my T points out that I made it through the hard emotions, and the world didn't end. It sounds like you made it through, hard emotions and all, and that you're still standing. Which is great stuff.

[granite1]

I just want to be able to talk about things without freaking . I don't think it will ever happen. my T said that it is ok and that I am doing ok . she is in a cheerleader mode these days. she said that she believes that I will get there that it will just take time and that need to be patient with myself and that the shame I feel doesn't belong to me. she also said that I need to stop trying to change the way she sees as it will never happen but need to work on changing the way I am seeing myself.

Originally Posted by granite1

I just want to be able to talk about things without freaking . I don't think it will ever happen. my T said that it is ok and that I am doing ok . she is in a cheerleader mode these days. she said that she believes that I will get there that it will just take time and that need to be patient with myself and that the shame I feel doesn't belong to me. she also said that I need to stop trying to change the way she sees as it will never happen but need to work on changing the way I am seeing myself.

Your T is spot on about all counts.

I've had sessions like that myself. I'm guessing many of us here have. I learned it isn't really that I am unable to talk about things without "freaking." Sometimes those subjects cause me to strongly dissociate and even go into flashbacks. That isn't about not being able to handle what is being discussed; it is about what I lived through having been so traumatic that my response is really very much out of my control sometimes. My T has had to help me through hyperventilating, sobbing uncontrollably, shaking visibly and almost violently, etc. He didn't "cause" my pain; that is a distinction I think you might need to realize. My pain was caused by the people who hurt me originally; my reaction was to that original abuse. All my T did was say a few words or something and that was all it took. I don't react that way every time; I don't even react that way half of the time. It happens usually without warning, and honestly, my T couldn't have known for sure ahead of time if this would be the time when I was thrown into a dissociative response.

Your T seemed to have handled the situation well; used good techniques for helping you get grounded in the present. You will be able to work through these things without that kind of response; in fact, you usually are able to now talk to your T about your emotions without this degree of a response.

These kinds of sessions are hard, and thank goodness they aren't all that intense. In hindsight, I learned that they served a purpose. We discovered something about me or my history or my needs. Not fun though.

She's right. Be gentle and patient with yourself. This takes A LOT of time. You really have come a long way. I know you don't like to hear that right now, but I hope you will reach a place where you will be able to see the strength in yourself that we all see in you.

[granite1]

thanks chris I had to let what you said sit for a bit . you always seem to have a wonderful voice of reason when I can hear it . mt session was really intense and I really thought it was going to be a horrible night last night . I don't know if it was the drama from my friends that distracted me or if it really was not that bad but I slept last night and feel ok this morning . I don't think I want to ever feel so horrible again in T but I did live through it . I just wish she could see into me and understand how things seem to be so different . maybe some day

Glad you are feeling better. And it's good to realize you lived through it. It was intense for those moments, but you can get beyond those moments. This work is hard.

It sounds like you have a really great therapist.

[granite1]

thanks some days I feel like I do and then other days I am not a huge fan . I think yesterday was one of those not a huge fan .

[WikidPissah]

You did well, chickie.
I think your t did well also.

[magicalprince]

It sounds like she really cares about you. And you should be proud of yourself.

[Restin]

She sounds like a great, empathic T to me, and she did do a lot when she offered you the blanket and help you calm down. I would suggest she just got ahead of you while reading, and didn't tune in to your non verbal clues of fear and embarrassment. You didn't signal her with your hand, like you were going to so maybe that's why she went on. But I realize it was because you were frozen and couldn't. If it's any help, I would not be able to share with T any writings or journaling I've done because words put thoughts into hard form. You may not be in the same place as when you first wrote them. I would be so embarrassed and scared I would be freaking out too, even if what I wrote wouldn't mean anything to anyone else. Always risky letting T read stuff!
I just hope you won't read too much into T's way of responding. I wish my T would offer me a blanket...and pull it closer over me...i would be in heaven! I think you should stay with her and keep up the good work.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Restin

She sounds like a great, empathic T to me, and she did do a lot when she offered you the blanket and help you calm down. I would suggest she just got ahead of you while reading, and didn't tune in to your non verbal clues of fear and embarrassment. You didn't signal her with your hand, like you were going to so maybe that's why she went on. But I realize it was because you were frozen and couldn't. If it's any help, I would not be able to share with T any writings or journaling I've done because words put thoughts into hard form. You may not be in the same place as when you first wrote them. I would be so embarrassed and scared I would be freaking out too, even if what I wrote wouldn't mean anything to anyone else. Always risky letting T read stuff!
I just hope you won't read too much into T's way of responding. I wish my T would offer me a blanket...and pull it closer over me...i would be in heaven! I think you should stay with her and keep up the good work.

thanks restin it felt like I was right back to when I first started seeing her . I would shake and freak when she would read things I might have written out loud .with all the memories and fear. I thought I was a bit better.

[granite1]

one thing my T was asking me during all this was to tell her what was going through my head .what the memories are. I couldn't do it even thinking about it sent terror through me and I just couldn't . I have never been able to talk to any T about the things that happened to me . it surprises me that I can now talk to this T in bits and pieces about some things but never a lot at all. I am feeling a bit ridiculous about not being able to talk about things even after seeing this T for 4 years. I really am curious if others have still had this problem even after being with the same T so long. how did you over come it or have you?