Today's session.

Ok. Ok. I'm already disconnected and missing him.

But maybe writing about it will bring me back.

We started out talking about my impulsive behaviors. I told him I spent a lot of money last night. Then I told him, "Do something!!" He said, "What do you want me to do?" I said, "Make me stop shopping!!" And he said, "Do you want me to do some cognitive-behavioral therapy?" Then we both laughed because it's something we joke about-- since he's a psychoanalyst and I want to be a psychoanalyst we both know we aren't really into CBT. So whenever I want to stop a behavior immediately I say, "Don't you know some CBT or something?!"

Then I told him I am unhappy. I told him about how I feel empty a lot of the time, disconnected from everyone and everything. I told him that I feel connected when I am with him, but when I leave I can't internalize the connection.

Then he asked me if all this talk about feeling disconnected (particularly in regards to my husband, at times) had anything to do with what I told him at the end of last week's session.

At this point I wanted to die because at the end of last week's session I had told him how for the last 2 or 3 years, I have been uninterested in having sex with my husband. I had equated it to my theory of unleashing my inner child with my husband because he is the only one I have ever gotten emotionally close to. My inner child took over the relationship and always wants to be held and cuddled-- but doesn't want to engage in sex. Once in awhile there will be episodes when I do, but mostly not.

So then T asks me when the last time I was interested in sex was. At this point, I was ready to go out the window.

Then he asks me if I am attracted to others in a sexual way, other than my husband. I told him that I am much more interested in getting other men to be attracted to me, but not doing anything about it. I told him how in the past, I would do something about it. (Getting closer to the window....)

So then I have this revelation, only I don't want to tell him because I know it's going to be embarrassing as hell. But then I told him it was all going downhill anyway, and things couldn't get any more humiliating, so I might as well tell him. I tell him about my pattern. That I have always been drawn to older men. I have always pursued older men or men that were in an authority position. I told him that my husband is 7 years older that me, and now that we are married, I have to find some way to see him as an authority figure. So I decide to act the child instead of the adult. Only at this point, I had my hands covering my face because I knew what he was thinking-- he was probably thinking that I had transferred attraction my to men in authority positions over to him (he's right). Of course he didn't say that. Then to further evidence that I feel this way, T says, "Well, here's what I think----" and I cut him off and said, "No! Don't say it!!" And he stops, kinda smiling, wondering what the hell I thought he was going to say. He asks. I go, "Nothing... please just continue." He totally didn't believe me, and knew I was thinking something intense, but didn't push the issue because he knew I wasn't ready. So he goes on to say that he thinks I have great insight. But I was still dying because by this point I'm sure he knows everything.

Then he says that this is something we will continue to work on because I told him it's been a big problem in my marriage for a couple years now. He said that if we keep working on it, there is always a possibility for change.

The funny part was when I started talking about sex he goes, "Are you okay talking about this?" And I go, "I guess... are you okay talking about it?" And he started laughing.... I told him how I have convinced myself that he is uncomfortable talking about sex just so I could get out of talking about it with him.

Then I said, "Am I allowed to come back this Friday?" He laughed and said yes.

Then I gripped the hell out of the railing and made it downstairs safely.

Pinksoil, sounds like you've got some pretty intense stuff going on....phew, I was nearly sweating by the end of your post...yeah, heavy duty work...stick with it girl, stick with it...it would seem to make sense for you to see t at least twice a week with all this going on...
Though I work with an analytically-inclined therapist there are times when I ask her for a cognitive-behavioral intervention, cuz the intensity is too much for me and the cbt is a temporary fix....

Pink, your session went well. I am curious about the CBT joking. Are there therapists who are believers and those who are not?

Personally, CBT hasn't worked much for me. I understand the concept and I do try to use it here and there but we're doing psychodynamic at this point he said.

Most of his clients do the CBT and are there on average 10-12 sessions.

Anyway, I'm glad you were able to talk about sex with him. I like also that he was laughing with you. Perfect!

Wow what an intense session!

That sounds like great work, putting lots of stuff out there. I think you'll really give him a chance to help you like this. Congrats! That's awesome!

Sorry to hear about the sex issues -- that's definitely a drag but your therapist is right: There's always the possibility for change! Someone else somewhere on the sex forum here said to me that the biggest sex organ in the body is the brain! If you can change the way you think you may be able to rekindle some of your sexual desire for your husband.

Wow wow wow what an intense session. Glad you were able to talk about the disconnect and all that.

And congrats on making it down the stairs safely!

Sidony

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almeda24fan said:
Pink, your session went well. I am curious about the CBT joking. Are there therapists who are believers and those who are not?

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I would say so. In my classes, my professors ask us what school of thought we would like to follow once we become therapists. Normally, like 90 percent of the class chooses CBT. I think people are generally more comfortable with a technique that is a more direct route to problem solving. I wouldn't say I'm not a 'believer' in CBT-- it depends on the client, I guess. Some people are going to come in with a problem that is fit for more immediate results. However, in general, I don't believe in a technique that doesn't examine the 'why' piece. I am also not a fan of therapies that don't deal much with feeling. CBT is about your feelings as a function of your thoughts. There is no transference, no defense mechanisms, no dream interpretation. Of course, I am describing someone who would be strictly CBT. A lot of therapists these days are eclectic in nature and will combine many techniques and theories. But as far as my T and me-- we are not big believers of CBT. The school I go to is psychodynamic in orientation-- but they do teach some CBT in the 1st counseling techniques class, to get a basis for it. The 2nd techniques class is all about psychanalysis and object relations. The doctoral program is psychodynamic. That's what I want to go there for my Psy.D. The other school I was looking into is completely CBT and that doesn't excite me too much.

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Anyway, I'm glad you were able to talk about sex with him. I like also that he was laughing with you. Perfect!

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Ugh. I know that I have completely transferred my attraction to older men onto him. And it's complete transference. I mean, he's an okay looking man, but I don't think I would be attracted to him if I just saw him on the street. I think that's why I am obsessed with making sure I look perfect before I go to therapy each week. **Embarrassing confession of the month coming up** Because I want him to find me attractive. I would enjoy it if I could make him attracted to me. (Dying here....) I even feel this weird attraction when I see men outside of therapy that resemble him in any way. THIS IS SO HORRIFYING. And now I think he knows this based on what we talked about yesterday. I mean, he knows this happens in analysis. I know this happens in analysis. And based on the fact that I told him I have always been drawn to older men, and men in a position of authority and I'm much more interested in getting other men to be attracted to me rather than my husband, because I've already accomplished that, then I'm pretty sure he put 2 and freaking 2 together.

I don't even think I can look at him on Friday. Unless he's completely clueless and he's not thinking any of this.

Yeah.
Right.

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pinksoil said:

Ugh. I know that I have completely transferred my attraction to older men onto him. And it's complete transference. I mean, he's an okay looking man, but I don't think I would be attracted to him if I just saw him on the street. I think that's why I am obsessed with making sure I look perfect before I go to therapy each week. **Embarrassing confession of the month coming up** Because I want him to find me attractive. I would enjoy it if I could make him attracted to me. (Dying here....) I even feel this weird attraction when I see men outside of therapy that resemble him in any way. THIS IS SO HORRIFYING. And now I think he knows this based on what we talked about yesterday. I mean, he knows this happens in analysis. I know this happens in analysis. And based on the fact that I told him I have always been drawn to older men, and men in a position of authority and I'm much more interested in getting other men to be attracted to me rather than my husband, because I've already accomplished that, then I'm pretty sure he put 2 and freaking 2 together.

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Stop beating yourself up! That's not horrifying. I try to look perfect too when I go in there. And, although I don't think I'm attracted to my therapist, I'd love it if he were attracted to me. But a good therapist -- which I think you and I both have -- will treat that attraction (or desire to have him attracted to us) therapeutically, rather than by attempting to sleep with us (dammit). So don't worry so much about it. From everything I've read (and I'm not in the psych field, so definitely not an authority), this is totally normal anyway. They expect it. It's hard not to feel any sort of attraction to a person who knows you intimately like a therapist will!

Here's an embarrassing confession to make you feel better: I recently ordered new checks (for my checkbook) because I decided the image on the last ones (whatever the cheapo random images are) wasn't good enough for when I give a check to my therapist each month.

Is that pathetic or what?

Sidony

I remember thinking that about my checks... lol... Now I do internet banking... how drab...yet functional.

Also... yes I think that lust thing is normal... Something else to work through... just so he does not take you up on it.

As my pdoc would say... as long as you stay in YOUR seat... you can express whatever you would like.

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pinksoil said:
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almeda24fan said:

I don't believe in a technique that doesn't examine the 'why' piece. I am also not a fan of therapies that don't deal much with feeling. CBT is about your feelings as a function of your thoughts. There is no transference, no defense mechanisms, no dream interpretation. Of course, I am describing someone who would be strictly CBT. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Anyway, I'm glad you were able to talk about sex with him. I like also that he was laughing with you. Perfect!

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Yes, I'm with you here. My guy is pretty much CBT for depression and ADD. Interestingly, when I first told him about my attachment to him and how it was affecting me. The first thing he said was "thank you for trusting me with that" and the second thing was in response to my shock of how did this happen? He said "I couldn't get you to see anything good about yourself and now your happier, running, losing weight, passing exams etc."

Yes you guessed it another vague answer. This was last September that the above conversation took place. I'm guessing this is the reason for the transference cycle because he used that to inspire my changes is what I'm gathering from remembering this earlier conversation.

He says he is using psychodynamic therapy now and has been. So the transference and different therapy is what I needed and we spent weeks on CBT. I have tried to use this but it doesn't work for me. I still keep trying though and talk back to my thoughts but they are still there.</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

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**Embarrassing confession of the month coming up** Because I want him to find me attractive. I would enjoy it if I could make him attracted to me. (Dying here....) I even feel this weird attraction when I see men outside of therapy that resemble him in any way.

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Another comment that I totally understand. Same thing happening to me here. I'll go a bit further since you brought it up first! I have not actually said these words to him. I keep telling him that mainly my attraction is friend or family-like. That is because I am trying hard to keep the thoughts there. But it doesn't work and I'm afraid to tell him the absolute truth. I mean really how does one say this to a therapist "I want you to want me"....

Hey, there is a song entitled this. Maybe I can play it at my next session. After the one we just had, he'll lose it for sure!!!

something that might help... is to think of this as a bit of a temporary resting place. because... it is about being loved. and somewhere along the way we get this notion that for someone to love us is for someone to desire us. if they don't desire us... maybe they don't really love us. maybe they love / desire someone else. maybe they'll leave us or whatever. find us repulsive.

its okay to want to be loved.

what you say about being a little kid and wanting someone to look after you and take care of you is interesting...

i don't show that part to anyone. but i'm not close to anyone either. can't let people in. hurts too much.

Wow, pinksoil, you really covered a lot in that session. You were brave to talk about sex with your T. I'm sure he knows, of course, that you are attracted to him. Poor pinksoil. It's hard to handle this stuff, isn't it?

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In my classes, my professors ask us what school of thought we would like to follow once we become therapists. Normally, like 90 percent of the class chooses CBT. I think people are generally more comfortable with a technique that is a more direct route to problem solving. I wouldn't say I'm not a 'believer' in CBT-- it depends on the client, I guess. Some people are going to come in with a problem that is fit for more immediate results. However, in general, I don't believe in a technique that doesn't examine the 'why' piece. I am also not a fan of therapies that don't deal much with feeling. CBT is about your feelings as a function of your thoughts.

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I agree with all of that, pinksoil. I wonder what makes some of us gravitate to CBT and some to other approaches? I did some CBT with my first counselor, and did get some relief from some depression symptoms, but it didn't make my depression go away, whereas a non-CBT approach with the current T has. It's fascinating that 90% of your class prefers CBT. I think, in part, that CBT is not a good fit for me because I already am a strong, critical, rational thinker. I don't think I need too much help with my thinking. I need help with my feelings and past traumas, etc. Plus, I am a problem solver and like to get to the root of things, and CBT, as practiced by my first counselor, seemed more of an approach that dealt with symptoms rather than causes and insights.

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I even feel this weird attraction when I see men outside of therapy that resemble him in any way.

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Ha, ha, this happens to me too! But I just smile it off. If I recognize it, it's funny to me. Pinksoil, it is totally not HORRIFYING. I think it is natural and happens all the time in therapy. You're following the standard path and it is perfectly fine. Maybe you could even enjoy it!

I think your T would be totally OK with all of this, pinksoil, and anyway, I'm sure he knows.

Thanks everyone. Here's something embarrassing-- My neighbor told me that her husband is considerably older than her. She said he is 50, and she is about 35. Well, I hadn't seen her husband until last week (because we just moved in). So I see the guy through the window, and he kinda reminds me of my T. So this horrible feeling of jealousy hits me. Jealousy because she is married to someone who is 15 years older and sorta looks like my T. I am so pathetic, it makes me wanna run into a brick wall. So now every time I see my neighbor, I say hello to her, but I'm really thinking mean things. And of course I would never, ever do anything with her husband, but it has crossed my mind a hundred times to ensure that he will find me attractive.

Damn, transference is everywhere. Out of control.

I hear you Pink! There is nothing wrong with what is in your head. I know how strong that pull can be. I'll bet when you get to know the real 'him' you'll be able to find out why you don't like him. Or at least I hope you can find that to quiet the thoughts. I'll tell you my short story.

My transference jealousy is that my T has the type of personality that I connect with and he's older and I love that too! He's also vibrant, daring, funny and appears to be outspoken, at least in session. He has a loud laugh too like me.

My husband? Quiet, reserved, conservative, sometimes funny, and my age, rarely laughs. Giggle...the total opposite of what normally attracts me.

So whoever my T is dating, and I'm sure he is, I want to hate him. Oh, based on conversations we've had I think he might be gay. He's never said that but he has said other things that kind of point to it.

And guess what? I find that attractive apparently too!! I have a few gay male friends and I'm real close to one of them. I mention this because they've always been considered 'safe' by me. I can talk, dress and act how I want because it doesn't have an impact on them. They are nuturing and we take care of each other.

But now, I'm trying to make an impact on my possibly gay T. I'm wondering if he is silently giggling like 'great a girl is interested in me'. I'm jealous of his male patients too when I see them...

Almeda...I love those daggers...kewl...