What is the best thing you learned from therapy (generalizable thing)?

Partless · Mar 26, 2015, 08:28 PM

By "generalizable", I mean things that other people can relate to, without having your specific history.

Here's mine: I have value.

Not that I have value to someone or value in a particular circumstance, like a product in some market, just that I have value, period. Not for what I can do for someone or what they can get out of having me around. I have value; just that.

It's a journey, of course, but compared to years ago I do sense it much more.

So often we go against our own better judgment and values to associate with people or organizations that make us feel we have value. It's strange to ever consider we have value regardless.

Sometimes people even value us but we don't realize it. Or don't remember it. Or become confused because we also get conflicting message. And sometimes it therapists who also devalue us. But luckily I've had more good than bad therapists (e.g. two who traumatized me), and my journey is slowly getting close to good places, to field of flowers. To know I have value is liberating.

What is the best thing you learned?

Mar 26, 2015, 09:28 PM

I have autonomy. My thoughts, actions, and choices are my own, independent of anyone else. I can think for myself. I can make decisions for myself. I don't need permission. I don't have to make every decision or even thought based on how I am worried it will affect everyone else. I can actually put myself first, in a very healthy, proactive way that is very fulfilling, and the pay-off is that everyone around me benefits from a healthier, more confident, more content me.

Just those kinds of thoughts were completely foreign to me and filled me with anxiety, shame, guilt my whole life. I thought that was selfish and self-centered. I've learned it really is just good self-care, and when I take care of me, the other relationships and issues in my life fall into place much more naturally and effectively.

Knittingismytherapy · Mar 26, 2015, 09:42 PM

This just came up last night, so I'm still processing it through, but it hit me really strongly:
Self shaming, really negative self talk, listening to that horrible brain gremlin that says I'm stupid, fat, no good, a constant embarrassment (etc ad nauseum....my internal monologue is truly terrible) is verbal abuse.

And because it is in my brain all the time, non stop every day, it is even more damaging and detrimental to myself than verbal abuse from someone else, because I can't escape it, and carry it with me all the time, everywhere I go.

I think we all know that verbal abuse from others is not right and not acceptable. We need to learn that it is not acceptable coming from ourselves and directed at ourselves.

Mar 26, 2015, 09:44 PM

"I am not my feelings" was probably the biggest for me!! And, that I can CHOOSE my reactions to, well, everything. 2ndary to that one, what other people in my life choose is THEIR problem, not mine.

Mar 26, 2015, 09:48 PM

I learned that I was right to never, ever trust anyone. I am okay with that concept. It isn't being cynical, just realistic. .

Petra5ed · Mar 26, 2015, 11:42 PM

I don't want to copy your answer, but this came to me before I even opened your post... That I'm lovable. That I have value is probably closely related. Prior to therapy I felt like an outcast and a weirdo that no one could love and people could just tolerate at best. Now I feel a lot better about myself, and I notice where I have pushed people away in fear that they won't like me... So I'm starting to feel less alone as I realize I am actually ok, lovable, not that messed up and people that are worth a damn like me or more. I also like myself a lot more!

JustShakey · Mar 27, 2015, 01:12 AM

That it's okay to put myself first. More than okay, quite desirable actually. You can't take care of anybody if you can't take care of yourself.
I'm getting so good at asking for the things I need and turning down the things I don't need or want that it's almost scary.

sunrise · Mar 27, 2015, 03:39 AM

How to engage with another person

Mar 27, 2015, 04:17 AM

I am worthwhile.

Mar 27, 2015, 05:04 AM

Ditto all the above. Accept engage with other people lol. Do not fancy that one bit :-)))

Mar 27, 2015, 06:10 AM

that I have been through things that were NEVER meant to happen to me or anyone. that they were not right.

rainbow8 · Mar 27, 2015, 06:39 AM

I've learned how to share my feelings with others, and how good connection feels. To take emotional risks and to be myself, not to compare myself to others.

purplemystery · Mar 27, 2015, 06:52 AM

That I'm loveable and that it's okay to be who I am (mostly this had to do with being introverted)-- I don't need to change myself.

Myrto · Mar 27, 2015, 08:19 AM

That I'm capable of deep attachment and strong feelings toward somebody else. Before, I used to think I was completely emotionally detached and that something was wrong with me.
Also that human relationships and human connections are worth it. Another thing I wasn't too convinced of before.

BlessedRhiannon · Mar 27, 2015, 08:21 AM

I'm allowed to make decisions that benefit me, even if others may not like those decisions.

WrkNPrgress · Mar 27, 2015, 08:41 AM

How often I let self-defeating thoughts creep in and control my way of thinking: learning to be aware when they happen and how to counteract them.

Thus not letting myself spiral downward all day.

In short, I can put the brakes on my depression. If not stop it, at least slow it down and control the wheel.

coolibrarian · Mar 27, 2015, 10:00 AM

That it's ok to own my feelings.

mountain human · Mar 27, 2015, 04:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by purplemystery

That I'm loveable and that it's okay to be who I am (mostly this had to do with being introverted)-- I don't need to change myself.

Yes, this. I've spent so much time and energy trying to figure out what's
"wrong" with me and how to "fix" my imperfections. I was suggested an alternative viewpoint that it's ok to be an imperfect person and that my imperfect thoughts and feelings are ok and maybe I should just consider accepting them instead of fixing them.

Also, I know I shouldn't compare myself to others BUT spending some time on this site reminds me that things could be a lot worse. Just saying. God bless everyone here.

ManOfConstantSorrow · Mar 27, 2015, 04:33 PM

It seems that I have chosen to hate myself.

divine1966 · Mar 27, 2015, 04:44 PM

It is ok to avoid toxic people even family members. If they make me feel bad it is ok not to talk or not to see them. No need to feel guilty.

And that Feelings aren't going to kill me. I am not going to die because I am anxious or sad. No matter how much feelings hurt they aren't going to kill me

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

nervous puppy · Mar 27, 2015, 05:11 PM

This is a good thread. Thanks for this!

I've learned that "so-n-so" didn't make me mad or angry or frustrate me. I allowed them to make me angry. It's ok to be angry and sometimes the situation calls for it. But others don't dictate how my day or week is going to turn out. I get to decide that.
I am now able to say (in my head) that's your problem, not mine. To them, I'm a bit more tactful

StressedMess · Mar 27, 2015, 07:47 PM

So many of these responses ring true for me.

Number one thing I've learned.

"No" is a complete sentence. Saying no is not being mean. Saying yes when I want to say no causes me to feel resentment and act out.

Number 2, people don't have to like me. The world will not end if I don't please every human on the planet. It's more important for me to please myself.

Thanks for this thread!

AncientMelody · Mar 31, 2015, 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Partless

By "generalizable", I mean things that other people can relate to, without having your specific history.

Here's mine: I have value.

Not that I have value to someone or value in a particular circumstance, like a product in some market, just that I have value, period. Not for what I can do for someone or what they can get out of having me around. I have value; just that.

It's a journey, of course, but compared to years ago I do sense it much more.

So often we go against our own better judgment and values to associate with people or organizations that make us feel we have value. It's strange to ever consider we have value regardless.

Sometimes people even value us but we don't realize it. Or don't remember it. Or become confused because we also get conflicting message. And sometimes it therapists who also devalue us. But luckily I've had more good than bad therapists (e.g. two who traumatized me), and my journey is slowly getting close to good places, to field of flowers. To know I have value is liberating.

What is the best thing you learned?

Pretty much the same thing as you actually! My self worth need not be bound by externals, cannot be bound my externals. There is strength within myself and I need not be emotionally dependent on others, specifically my husband. And it's ok to not live in a black and white world.

archipelago · Mar 31, 2015, 10:49 AM

Not only is change possible, but growth and even transformation can be achieved and are intrinsically important and cannot be measured, especially by exterior things.

thepeaceisinthegrey · May 08, 2015, 09:52 PM

Mine is in my signature. Life is not just black and white. Things are not either extremely great or extremely detrimental. Life needs balance. The peace is in the grey areas.

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