Attachment verus dependency

SoupDragon · Apr 06, 2015, 07:10 AM

Is there a difference between attachment and dependency?

Apr 06, 2015, 07:32 AM

I would think it would depend on what type of attachment. Like if the attachment is secure you woukdnt be dependant on someone but if it is insecure you could be co dependant or not dependant on anyone which both lead to severe problem and difficulties in how we relate to others. I don't know if that helps Soup.
A healthy attachment to our t is desirable but an unhealthy one encourages dependency and dis empowers us.

stopdog · Apr 06, 2015, 07:41 AM

I think there may be healthy and unhealthy dependency. The first one I see has said she is very attached to her dog. I don't see them as the same, but I don't see dependency as a general idea - a problem.

SoupDragon · Apr 06, 2015, 07:42 AM

Thank-you Monalisasmile - do you know how it would feel to be securely attached as opposed to dependent?

Or how do you know if you are attached in a healthy way?

After 5 years with my T, these are questions that keep popping up in my head.

Soup

SoupDragon · Apr 06, 2015, 07:45 AM

Thanks stopdog. I have dogs who I think I am attached to, like I am pleased to see them when I come in from work, love cuddling up on the sofa with them etc. etc. But I can manage in life without them.

I am dependent on water / air for life.....

Is that the difference? That I may be pleased to see T, to spend my session with them and may even think of them between sessions (attachment), but know I could be sad, but not devastated if they left (not dependent)?......(I don't think!)

Soccer mom · Apr 06, 2015, 07:50 AM

I think when we have a secure attachment, we feel very comfortable in the relationship - we don't worry that they will hurt us or abandon us. No jealousy - just very comfortable with the relationship.

I think there's always a level of dependency. Do I depend on T. for the basics of life? No and can't. Do I depend on her to help me, be at every session, know what she's doing, have a general care towards me? Yes. Do I depend on her to get me through every day? No and that would be problematic.

Apr 06, 2015, 08:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Thank-you Monalisasmile - do you know how it would feel to be securely attached as opposed to dependent?

Or how do you know if you are attached in a healthy way?

After 5 years with my T, these are questions that keep popping up in my head.

Soup

I am afraid I don't know yet how it feels as I am striving to be securely attached and not dependant. I would have said before my rupture that I was securely attached but now I am not so sure. Before the rupture, I had internalised t and could feel safe knowing she would be there and not let me down or abandon me. Our relationship was good and she was always honest and willing to risk self disclosure and to offer extra support when needed. I felt like for the first time I could rely on someone to be there. Now I know that she wasn't perfect but I could accept her imperfections and see her as human, capable of making mistakes but I could differentiate her mistakes as mistakes and not deliberate hurt towards me which was a huge step in my recovery.

With my other ts I was hugely dependant. I wanted them to fix my problems and rescue me. They responded by obliging and taking my power away. I couldn't make a decision without consulting them. I regressed back to a little girl. Current t helped me integrate my childhood needs into my current self and to find a way to integrate all of my needs and accept them as my needs.. We would talk about them and discover where they came from and why they are so strong right now. What was missing from my life that these needs weren't being met. She helped me become dependant on myself by trusting myself and not others. I am not sure if this helps or makes any sense.
I sense you being hard and judgemental on yourself soup for not knowing the difference after five years with your t. It's good that you have awareness and are asking yourself these questions because it shows your willingness to participate in your own healing

SoupDragon · Apr 06, 2015, 08:07 AM

Thanks Monalisasmile. I have probably been the champion in sending "I quit" emails over that time, but more recently have felt a little more settled. I think I have been scared of being dependent (I'm a "I need no-one I can do this myself" sort of person), but I think that is changing and my relationship with T feels.......more grown up maybe.

And yes Soccer Mom, maybe there isn't a definite distinction between the two, I have on a couple of occasions asked for extra sessions over the years when I was really struggling, so maybe at those times it felt more a dependency.

Elisabetta346 · Apr 06, 2015, 08:25 AM

Attachment I think means how we interact with people in our lives and how we develop relationships with them.

Eg. I know my best friend loves and cares for me regardless of how far away she is or
I don't trust my best friend or anyone one, they will just hurt me like she doing now because she has not responded to my email .

Dependency is when we rely or are being controlled to depend on something to for support.
Eg. a child's saying I depend on my mommy to feed me or I am depending on my friend to bring back my casserole dish back to me.

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SoupDragon · Apr 06, 2015, 08:40 AM

Thanks Elisabetta. So I guess in T dependency has it's place when things are particularly difficult. But the move should always be away from dependency while attachment is a healthy thing.

Fuzzybear · Apr 06, 2015, 08:59 AM

Good question Soup, thanks for this thread

Elisabetta346 · Apr 06, 2015, 09:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Thanks Elisabetta. So I guess in T dependency has it's place when things are particularly difficult. But the move should always be away from dependency while attachment is a healthy thing.

Yes essentially

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LonesomeTonight · Apr 06, 2015, 09:37 AM

My marriage counselor said that (healthy) attachment is knowing someone will always be there for you if/when you need them, even if you don't see them/talk to them very often. (He was saying it in the context of me possibly wanting a future individual session with him.) I figure it's also like, say, a good friend who you don't see very often but who you know would be there for you if you needed them (and vice versa).

I imagine that unhealthy attachment and dependency are very similar. More of a neediness, being unable to handle things without the other person. Certainly some level of dependency is normal (like how a child is dependent on their parents), but if it's too intense, then it could be bad.

PinkFlamingo99 · Apr 06, 2015, 06:12 PM

I don't know. But I know even reading this thread makes me uncomfortable which is a bad sign. Does fear of abandonment make us too prone to dependency? i hate it.

Apr 06, 2015, 06:31 PM

Attachment seems to have more to do with emotion and feeling within/about a relationship. Dependency seems to be more a behavioral term.

Both can be healthy or unhealthy.

I can have a healthy attachment to my therapist: we get along, I appreciate his role as my therapist, I don't expect it to be more than what it is designed for. I can have a healthy dependence on my therapist: an ability to ask for help when I require help.

I can have unhealthy attachment: feelings/hopes/desires about wanting therapist relationship to be something other/more than it is designed for. I can have unhealthy dependency behaviors concerning my therapist: not using my own skills when I can; expecting T to "fix" me/save me or being completely unable to ask for help when really needed.

Apr 06, 2015, 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I would think it would depend on what type of attachment. Like if the attachment is secure you woukdnt be dependant on someone but if it is insecure you could be co dependant or not dependant on anyone which both lead to severe problem and difficulties in how we relate to others. I don't know if that helps Soup.
A healthy attachment to our t is desirable but an unhealthy one encourages dependency and dis empowers us.

Dependency is healthy, even in secure attachment. The ability to ask for help when you need it is dependency, and someone with secure attachment doesn't fear or hesitate to ask for help when needed. They feel safe doing so.

SoupDragon · Apr 07, 2015, 12:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

I don't know. But I know even reading this thread makes me uncomfortable which is a bad sign. Does fear of abandonment make us too prone to dependency? i hate it.

I think maybe it could be the other way round, our dependency makes us prone to feelings of abandonment. Therefore the solution would be to work on dependency issues.

Apr 07, 2015, 12:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Dependency is healthy, even in secure attachment. The ability to ask for help when you need it is dependency, and someone with secure attachment doesn't fear or hesitate to ask for help when needed. They feel safe doing so.

I never said a person with secure attachment would fear or hesitate to ask for help and yes they do feel safe in doing so because why wouldn't they when their needs have been met. They have no reason to fear abandonment or relying on or depending on anyone.

We all have different ideas about dependency. None are right or wrong they are just our impressions and opinions.
With attachment there are certain catagories/ molds/ types we belong to but dependency has been relatively unexplored so far.