Connecting

T said my adoptive mother never made a connection with me. Hence my difficulties around people.
I told her about an email revise we were asked to do back treatment yes ago. We were told to imagine sitting in a tube (subway train) quietly relaxed, enjoying our personal space. There are lots of empty seats in the carriage, but someone gets on and sits in the seat next to you. How would you feel???
Everyone answered they'd feel angry, I alone answered, I'd feel sad.
I said to T I have no idea why? T said, because someone us close to you but you can't make any connection.

Perhaps that is true, I remember the counsellor in the treatment centre remarking how telling my statement was.
I do people watch, envious or perhaps curious too, of how easy they 'fall into' each other. Seamlessly communicating. T says I can do it sometimes, she always says I can do this or that sometimes. But I guess her describing my very earliest relationship as failing in that way, helps me think about it better.
That early memory of failure to connect is perhaps what is repaying as I people watch.
It feels like a wound to impossible to repair. I think there will always be a crack where 'connections' are concerned.

((((((mouse)))))

what you are saying here is probably the best explanation of why i hug my t. It was strange at first, but mostly it was my goal to be the kind of person for whom it was not strange to hug, to be connected. It was more about the habit of connecting than the hug itself.

Eta - i think its made me feel more connected to people on pc. Not sure if thats good or bad! At least y'all talk back, not like books when i was a kid!

I think one can hug and still remain disconnected? Perhaps the act if hugging is to make up for lack of true emotional connection?
I've found this to be true, too.