It seems like this therapist can't make his mind up about whether to email me back or not when I email him. It bothers me so much.
Like this time. He specifically asked me last session if I was going to call and make an appt for a test to rule out serious illness, so I emailed him to say I went to the appt and it was all clear and I was relieved and not triggered by the procedure (which was possible) and not even so much as a "glad it went well" from him. I sent this message yesterday morning and it's Friday evening now so he obviously isn't going to email now. It's not the first time he's done this, yet other times he will send a short reply saying he's got the message (which is all I want).
It makes me miss T1 because I know he really did care about this issue (I've been waiting for this appt for months) and he cared about me and he always responded to my emails when he got them.
I know it's an overreaction and I know it wouldn't do any good, but I just want to not turn up to the next session to show him what it feels like. Ugh I don't know why it makes me so frustrated. I just think it's rude.
I think it triggers rejection feelings and also makes me feel like he's not responding because he doesn't want me to get attached to him like I was to T1. If that's the case shouldn't he talk to me about that?

I know how this feels My old therapist was very inconsistent that way. My new therapist is better, but things have slipped by her. I choose not to email at all, since I know I blow things out of proportion if the response isn't what I want to hear or she forgets.

Trying to punish or withdraw won't help. They see it all the time and know it's because we're really attached to them. When I was angry at old T, I didn't give him the satisfaction of acting out Acting aloof just felt more... "I don't give a care whether or not you reply! I'm fine without you!" Though my response was just as unhelpful as trying to punish him.

Your T definitely cares, just like mine does. Give him the benefit of the doubt that he was busy with work, or had a family emergency, or patient in crisis. Or that he was just taking time off from checking email to recharge. Try to see that one mis-step doesn't make him an uncaring person.

Thanks. At the moment I am feeling a bit resentful about it. I'm not good at faking it but I wouldn't be able to tell him what he's done so I don't know if I can avoid withdrawing. That's why I'm tempted not to go.

[JaneTennison1]

Care doesn't mean always responding. Maybe he was away, maybe he got busy, maybe someone else needed more. That doesn't mean a lack of care.

[musinglizzy]

My T is constantly encouraging me to Email her. In her defense, she knows I do my best disclosing that way. But it gives me a feeling of guilt...she's taking up her own time for that. She usually writes me back...usually. Usually pretty short and sweet though. We have talked about Emails at great length, and I don't mind doing it if I feel the need, but I don't want to feel pressured to. I cut way back on Emails for awhile, and came in two Mondays in a row with her asking "so why didn't I hear from you all weekend???" I just said I had nothing to report....and that I figured if she wanted to check in, she would. She understood that. But I also said that there are times I write something that is really deep, meaningful to me, and if I just get one or two sentences back, on those Emails, I feel disappointed. So I told her I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment. She REALLY understood that when I said it. So I can tell, when I do Email, that she really tries to write a bit more than one or two sentences. I still want to cut back on Emails. When we were having a bit of an argument once, she told me in an Email how "I give you so much extra time." Case in point. I don't want to give someone ammunition to use against me. So now when I Email, she is usually very appreciative and thanking me for writing her. I don't need that either. I know she thinks of me during her own time, she's proven that. And although it's a nice thought, I don't want to take up her thoughts on her free time either. I want her 100% care and attention during my sessions....and glad to know she's there if I need her in between, but I don't want to Email her just to please her either. And of course, after she reminded me how much "extra time" she gives me, I'm even more reluctant. Damn, therapy is so hard. I swear my thoughts are so screwed up now that I'm in therapy than before I started. I'm trying to fix that.

Musinglizzy - the extra time comment thing would really get to me. It's a no win situation . Therapists try to get you to open up and be more receptive to accepting care, but then care gets thrown in your face during an argument? Ie you not being grateful enough, or trusting enough when she does SOoooo MUCH for you. You do PAY her after all, and if she's anything like my therapist she's making crazy money for doing a little more than listening attentively with an empathetic face.

I think these email type issues/contact out of session issues should be made very clear from the beginning. I think the responsibility for this of course lies with the therapist. It is very poor practice to not have clear rules about this type of thing. I get that boundaries can change, but that should also be discussed in a very clear way.

[jaynedough]

My T has been getting inconsistent, too.

[JaneC]

I think consistency on the part of Ts is so important, especially for some of us.

My soon to be exT has always been very consistent and that has helped to foster a sense of security and worked towards me beginning to trust. He has always, without fail, replied to emails. In the beginning I worried and worried about emailing, was I allowed, was it too much, what should I expect. Finally I just asked. He said he was fine with it, but clarified his position on not providing therapy via email.

I was stressing about doing it at one stage and he 'threatened' in a joking way that maybe we should schedule a weekly email to desensitise me to the constant worry! I told him to get lost!

Maybe Echoes, it would be good to have a conversation about it? It didn't remove my angst from time to time........but it did help a lot.

Also....the things we most want to avoid(like not going in) are the things we REALLY need to do in therapy, most often in my experience

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Clementine K

Musinglizzy - the extra time comment thing would really get to me. It's a no win situation . Therapists try to get you to open up and be more receptive to accepting care, but then care gets thrown in your face during an argument? Ie you not being grateful enough, or trusting enough when she does SOoooo MUCH for you. You do PAY her after all, and if she's anything like my therapist she's making crazy money for doing a little more than listening attentively with an empathetic face.

Yes, it was very hard, and I can't seem to just drop it from my mind. I'm still absolutely heartbroken over it. Then she kept questioning me as to why she wasn't hearing from me. Well, that was pretty hurtful!

That doesn't give me much faith in his personal integrity.

[nervous puppy]

My T commented/asked at the very beginning when we discussed emails. She wanted to know how she would know if she should respond or not. I told her I would try to be obvious about it. That I would say in my email no response needed, or something.
Maybe you should talk about have set "rules" to avoid the thoughts taking off on you? I know I would have that problem if we hadn't specifically talked about it.

[healed84]

My T is very inconsistent at what he responds to and doesn't respond to when it comes to email as well.. However, he told me right off that he wouldn't always respond to my emails and not to be offended if he didn't respond. So, I have to remind myself over and over again.. T may not respond, don't get mad at him.

I would find that really hard too.

[Elisabetta346]

I'm an inconsistent responder to email, whatsapp etc . I normally forget not because I get busy and I don't realize sometimes a week later. I won't jump to conclusion he doesn't care. Maybe tell him how your feeling?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks all. I'm going through cycles of "why should I spend £40 a week on talking for an hour to someone who doesn't give a ****?" >> "Maybe I should talk to him" >> "I can't talk to him about this" etc.
I'll go to my next session and see what happens. Sometimes therapy is just a thorn in my side

[LonesomeTonight]

Have you talked to him in session about e-mail contact? Maybe find out what his general policy is on it. My T is a bit inconsistent, but I also know their e-mail system is terrible, so sometimes stuff doesn't get to her or her responses take like 2 days to arrive in my gmail account (I know because I can see when they were sent!) Plus, if she's out of the office, she can read but not reply (she's only in the office 3 days a week). So she's called a couple times to discuss an e-mail I sent where I was upset about something, which I really appreciated. But I also sent her one a few days ago that I never heard back from (though it wasn't something that necessarily needed a response).

MC is on the same e-mail system, unfortunately (they're supposed to be upgrading soon), but the few times I've e-mailed him, he's generally gotten back to me, including calling once because his e-mail to me bounced back. However, if I leave him a voicemail, particularly about rescheduling if he had to cancel, he can take quite a while to get back to me. Though I have to say, since revealing the transference--and particularly my fear that he was rejecting me when he didn't want a second individual appt. with me--he's been very good about responding--not that I've contacted him too many times.

And with both of them, sometimes I'll just say, "You don't need to send a detailed response, but please just confirm that you received this."

[justdesserts]

My t responds to about 1/4 of the emails I send, but he told me upfront that he wouldn't be able to respond due to his busy schedule and I've accepted that a big part of the therapeutic value of emails is me being able to write about how I'm feeling and send those feelings away. If t responds, it's a double bonus.

I think email should be banned in therapy. It isn't secure and it leads to a lot of misunderstandings. It might seem useful in some cases, but it doesn't seem helpful to many people. I think if it is allowed it should be highly regulated and not used to disclose sensitive information.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by justdesserts

My t responds to about 1/4 of the emails I send, but he told me upfront that he wouldn't be able to respond due to his busy schedule and I've accepted that a big part of the therapeutic value of emails is me being able to write about how I'm feeling and send those feelings away. If t responds, it's a double bonus.

I agree that sometimes it helps just to type it out. And then I assume it's been read, so we can discuss it at the next session.

I totally understand T's not wanting to give therapy over e-mail because there's so much of a chance for misunderstandings.