[SoConfused623]

As a lot of you know, I'm in the process of terminating with my new T and had a session with a potential T who I really liked and who I connected with and who is not a blank slate. I've already got her email address and cell number so everything is very different about her. I told her that I want to work with her but then thought of something and sent her an email which I'll paste below.

Anyhow, she does something in therapy that I believe is mindfulness and also does meditation and said that she'd record it for me. All that I've ever known about therapy was just plain old talk therapy so this is all new to me. It did spark a concern and this is what I emailed her:

ME:
However, I have a question for you...you had asked that I keep track of a few examples of things that caused strong emotions with me and I have 2 or 3 things so far. (I'm having trouble remembering them so will have to start writing them down immediately) I'm just wondering how much of our session will be spent on talking about these situations as there's definitely things that I'd rather talk about. I agreed to try this out along with the meditation but not if it means that I don't get to talk about pressing things.

Potential T's response:
If there are pressing issues then bring them in to talk about. I can help you find the patterning within those issues. It doesn’t matter if it is something from the past or current. I will work with it. My therapy is about you not remaining a victim to your life situation, so I am about giving you tools and resources to make changes.

Can you please help me decipher this? I want to know what I'm getting into before I actually make an appointment with her. Does this sound like it will be a fit? Some of the little incidents that I'd bring in would be a little stress with a colleague, an embarrassing situation, and someone aggravating me by prying too much. But, I really wouldn't bring these things up in general as they're just minor nuisances. What I really want to talk about is my relationship with soon to be ex-T and how I put her on this huge pedestal and how my business got derailed because I spent 24/7 thinking about that T.... Thanks in advance.

[growlycat]

She sounds flexible at least from her email. I've done meditation and relaxation exercises in therapy but it doesn't eat up all of your sessions especially if you say something. Which you did. That's half the battle.

[ruh roh]

From just reading your post, it seems that the things that cause you the strongest emotions are the ones with your ex-therapist and loss of work, not the minor ones you describe as nuisances, so why not use those?

[Pennster]

I think you should feel free to talk about what you want to talk about.

My therapist uses mindfulness and meditation a lot, but we spend very little of our time discussing this. He has recommended lots of guided meditations, which I am free to practice on my own, and I do. It's really important to me that I have a lot of freedom to talk about what ever I want to, and I do - hopefully your experience will be similar. To me, the major difference between my current therapist's style and my previous psychodynamic therapist is that my current therapist has a lot of suggestions to help me deal with my problems, and many of them have really helped. (With my old therapist I became retraumatized and his style of working didn't seem to enable him to give me any advice about how I might pull myself out of the despair I fell into as a result.)

[SoConfused623]

I guess that I'm just not exactly sure what she's looking for as she gave me quick examples of small aggravating or sad things which are kind of like the 3 that I was thinking of bringing to session. So if she can work with the 2 bigger issues than I guess that I'm good. I'll just make an appointment with her and see how it goes. This time if I feel after that that it's not a fit, I will just move on which is what I should have done with current almost soon to be ex-T.

Is this whole idea or style what they call Mindfulness? That's a new term for me and I guess that I'll have to read up on it.

[ruh roh]

Well, if she wants things that create a lot of emotion in you, then it makes sense to bring those things. It would be hard for me to work on anything that's just an irritant. There's just no there there. Those aren't things that cause problems in life. Not being able to work due to a strong reaction to someone...that causes problems.

[ruh roh]

Oh, and I have no idea if this is called mindfulness. What does she propose you do with it?

[Luce]

I really like using mindfulness techniques, and I have asked new t to devote around 10 minutes of mindfulness and other exercises at the end of my sessions. They are so helpful with containment and managing strong emotions.
They will help manage the feelings around your ex t too, so I suggest using at least one feeling about that situation as one of your examples. She may just want a 'simple' thing to focus on in order to demonstrate the techniques (so that you can later use them on the larger things). it is certainly easier to learn the techniques on a minor thing rather than a major thing. You kinda 'work up to' that.
I reckon go with it. You are the ultimate driver of your therapy and can steer the direction any way you want. But mindfulness techniques are valuable for many people, and are worth taking a look at.

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by SoConfused623

I guess that I'm just not exactly sure what she's looking for as she gave me quick examples of small aggravating or sad things which are kind of like the 3 that I was thinking of bringing to session. So if she can work with the 2 bigger issues than I guess that I'm good. I'll just make an appointment with her and see how it goes. This time if I feel after that that it's not a fit, I will just move on which is what I should have done with current almost soon to be ex-T.

Is this whole idea or style what they call Mindfulness? That's a new term for me and I guess that I'll have to read up on it.

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Oh, and I have no idea if this is called mindfulness. What does she propose you do with it?

All that I know is what she put in the email which I posted above. Maybe another poster can shed some light on it.

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by Luce

I really like using mindfulness techniques, and I have asked new t to devote around 10 minutes of mindfulness and other exercises at the end of my sessions. They are so helpful with containment and managing strong emotions.
They will help manage the feelings around your ex t too, so I suggest using at least one feeling about that situation as one of your examples. She may just want a 'simple' thing to focus on in order to demonstrate the techniques (so that you can later use them on the larger things). it is certainly easier to learn the techniques on a minor thing rather than a major thing. You kinda 'work up to' that.
I reckon go with it. You are the ultimate driver of your therapy and can steer the direction any way you want. But mindfulness techniques are valuable for many people, and are worth taking a look at.

Wow that was super helpful, thanks Luce!

[unaluna]

I would say that what you call your little incidents show that you might have boundary issues. Well the big stuff with ext does too. So its not really a matter of saving you from drowning, its about teaching you how to swim so you dont drown in the future. Teaching you to kick. Building the strength in your legs arms and lungs. Kwim?

I have one major issue with her response, did you actually refer to yourself as a victim or is she giving you That title? I had a bad reaction when I read this and I know that it's my stuff but I would t feel comfortable with somebody I only met once calling me a victim. Her whole way of working would not work for me at all.

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I have one major issue with her response, did you actually refer to yourself as a victim or is she giving you That title? I had a bad reaction when I read this and I know that it's my stuff but I would t feel comfortable with somebody I only met once calling me a victim. Her whole way of working would not work for me at all.

Thanks Mona, you bring up a very good point! I never referred to myself as a victim...I will talk to her about it and report back. She doesn't have any appointments till the end of the month, so it will v
be a while...

[runlola72]

So one of the things that caused strong emotions for you was your ex-t, right? So that could be an overlapping topic (fulfilling your desire to talk about it and her requirement for your mindfulness exercise) and I definitely think that's an important topic. Perhaps the embarrassing episode and the colleague don't bring up emotions that are quite as strong, but I'm sure she could devote some time at the end of a session to going over these types of more pressing but less emotional issues.

An ex T, (the female one I had a crush on) was into mindfulness. She liked to explore where I felt emotions in my body, so I could notice subtle reactions I was having. I was supposed to get to the point where I was observing my emotions in everyday life when hard situations arise, and feeling ok with those emotions, without necessarily acting on them impulsively (which can be an issue for me) or beating myself up for feeling those emotions. I sort of think the mindfulness goes hand in hand with some of the radical self-acceptance stuff, but I'm not 100% sure. Anyway, I did find the mindfulness exercises helpful. I'd say, give it a shot....

[kecanoe]

Since I have experienced quite a few miscommunications via email, I would definitely want to meet in person to see what she meant. T3 asks me to notice what happens between sessions that makes me dissociate. Then she uses that to figure out what lies underneath it. Her theory is that if I am staying present and doing ok that I don't need to go digging up stuff. Perhaps that is what potential t means? That what you need to work on is whatever is causing distress in your life now.

And like Runlola said, if the relationship with ex-T is causing you difficulty right now, then that seems like one of the things you could take into your session.