[Soccer mom]

Is there such thing as attachment in marriages or is it mainly with parental figures?

I was telling a friend recently that I feel very insecure with my T. I don't fully trust her yet and it drives me crazy. I told friend that I wish I felt like I did with my husband. He was the first man I dated that I felt completely secure with - no jealousy, no fears, just fine. If I saw him in a room full of women, I wouldn't be jealous or worried at all.

She asked if maybe it's because I'm NOT attached to him. Hmmm, I have told my T. that I would be fine if something happened to him - I would make it. would I be FINE - probably not. Or, maybe I tell myself that as a defensive mechanism along the lines of not wanting to need anyone.

My emotionally distant mother taught me not to need anyone. For example, I had a very hard time admitting I needed my T. or wanted to come. I didn't want to need her and wanted to tell myself I would be fine without her. I actually go through periods of this still.

Thoughts?

[LonesomeTonight]

That's an interesting question. I know my MC has said that my transference with him is safe because nothing can happen, but that with my husband, it doesn't feel safe, because I could get rejected. Both he and my T think maybe I'm closed off a bit emotionally with my husband because I'm scared of being that vulnerable. And recently, my husband said he thought I wasn't really "present" in our marriage (and hadn't been for a long time). I think they might be right, but I'm not entirely sure why that is.

I definitely feel like at one point, sometime before we had our daughter (we were married a few years before having her), that I felt at least somewhat attached to him. And I can think of a couple ex-boyfriends, even a friend or two, that I would consider myself to have had attachment to.

When I think of who I feel attached to now, it would include both my MC and my T...and I definitely feel attachment to my daughter (she's almost 4). In some ways, I feel like I took the attachment I had for my husband and transferred it to my daughter, in the sense of emotional energy. It's like at one point I worried about something happening to him, and now I worry about something happening to her--or happening to me, that would leave her without a mother. I invest much more energy in trying to keep her happy and fulfilling her needs than for him.

My mother was somewhat emotionally distant--in some ways we were close--but I had issues with OCD and anxiety as a child, and she wasn't really there to help me through those (this is coming up a bunch with my T now). Like, I sometimes got in trouble for worrying about food safety/contamination sort of things. She's more the type to act like everything is fine, to brush things off (and is still that way). And my dad's pretty emotionally distant in general. So I'm trying very hard to not be that way with my daughter--like if she falls, I'm trying to not just be like, "You're OK!" but to say, "I know that was scary! But you're OK!" Empathy, validation, etc.

I'll stop rambling now...

[ThisWayOut]

Hmm... I dunno. I definitely believe there can be attachments in all areas of life. I know some people who are very insecurely attached to their s/o's... but we don't accept that as readily as we do with close friends/family and T's. Insecure attachment can manifest as extreme jealousy in relationships. Societally, we frown upon that. We ecourage people to walk away from s/o's that don't trust or respect them... We don't necessarily encourage that with family or T's. Actually, I see a lot of encouragement to stay with abusive or "toxic" family simply because they are family. If the same behaviors came from a significant other or friend, these same people would encourage me to run far and fast.

I've had my fair share of insecurely attached s/o's, and each of those relationships have failed as partnerships (one I am still friends with, but would never be in a relationship with again for various reasons). I think the expectation to stick around plays a huge role in our tolerance of insecure attachments.
I would classify my attachment to my wife as "securely insecure". I don't worry that she will leave me for another because I don't think of myself as worthy of her love. It's not that I don't love her, or that I think I'm the best person she's been with, it's more that I expect her to find someone else because of how ****** I am to be in a relationship with. I'm constantly amazed that she stays with me through everything. I check in with her all the time about whether or not she really loves me, or if she wants to leave, but I don't get jealous about her finding other people to hang with or have fun with... I certainly don't want to leave her.

In T though, there's an hope that T will stick around. There's a hope that, despite all the horrid things she sees intensley in me, she will respond calmly and nurturingly (is that a word?)...

I dunno. I'm not really explaining this correctly... For me, societal expectations around the two relationships dictate the attachment style.

This. This is what I'm trying ot explain... though I guess it's the same both in T and in my marriage... so maybe all that bable above was wasted...

[Partless]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Is there such thing as attachment in marriages or is it mainly with parental figures?

I agree with others, interesting question, hadn't thought about it before. I think this is what it boils down to:

When we were little we formed very powerful bonds with our parents. Those bonds and all the emotions around those attachments can be activated in very close relationships. One can go for therapy and not have those bonds activated. Because for that to happen, one has to allow vulnerability and connection to take place. Some people never open up in therapy. So I see marriage in the same way. You may have a deeper attachment that activates those old relations, sense of security or insecurity and dependence, or you may not. It might come and go.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Is there such thing as attachment in marriages or is it mainly with parental figures?

I was telling a friend recently that I feel very insecure with my T. I don't fully trust her yet and it drives me crazy. I told friend that I wish I felt like I did with my husband. He was the first man I dated that I felt completely secure with - no jealousy, no fears, just fine. If I saw him in a room full of women, I wouldn't be jealous or worried at all.

She asked if maybe it's because I'm NOT attached to him. Hmmm, I have told my T. that I would be fine if something happened to him - I would make it. would I be FINE - probably not. Or, maybe I tell myself that as a defensive mechanism along the lines of not wanting to need anyone.

My emotionally distant mother taught me not to need anyone. For example, I had a very hard time admitting I needed my T. or wanted to come. I didn't want to need her and wanted to tell myself I would be fine without her. I actually go through periods of this still.

Thoughts?

[stopdog]

I think one can be attached to friends and partners. I don't worry about people leaving me and I generally know that if I ask things of them, they will try.

I think that people who believe in attachment theory say that it can apply to any relationship.

I had a secure attachment with my adoptive father, hence even thought my SA was by a male, I'm OK with males.
Women on the other hand......

i feel much the same way you do. my mother was depressed when i was growing up, and i didn't 'click' with her. i didn't bond with her the way kids are supposed to. her brother was also my abuser, which didn't help.