What has happened?

This is my first time in therapy 1 1/2 years with my t. I attempted therapy 4 other times in my life and have never lasted past 4 sessions.

I went into therapy seeking help setting boundaries with my crazy family and some anxiety issues. I also wanted to talk some about my childhood trauma just for some validation. I finally felt strong enough to share this with someone.

Fast forward to present Virginia. I feel an emptiness in my chest and stomach. I feel spacey in my head. I have all these mother fantasies floating around in my head. I have become obsessed with maternal figures, to the point where I am losing friendships. My marriage was great going into therapy(I am female) Now we are growing distant. Is it me? Is it her? Or both? I have all these weird sort of touch issues. Which I have always had but now I have these obsessions about receiving nurturing touch from 3 women who I guess I have "maternal transference" for. I don't like the way I look. I pick at my face on a regular basis (very embarrassing). I am craving drugs again after being clean for 10 years. I did not have this low of self-esteem before therapy. The mother fantasies and obsessions were very minor (if at all).

I think I might be doing worse. I want to stop therapy but I am way to attached to her. The only reason I am going is I can't bare the thought of not seeing her. I feel therapy might not be for me but if I stop seeing her I think I would be so sad and cry all the time. The transference with her is intense (mostly maternal, but sometimes ET, and sometimes negative transference) The thing is....she is a great t. Kind, gentle, attentive, consistent, allows unlimited outside contact, patient, never gets frustrated with me. I could go on and on. She is like the perfect t for me, but something must be going horribly wrong for me to feel worse, right? I have been giving it time. I am stuck. I am having the same issues I had a year ago. I cannot go on with these mother fantasies, maternal attractions, and obsessing over receiving any sort of nurturing touch from my t or my reiki t. This cannot be normal, right? Should I stop therapy? Should I take a break? Or is the cat out of the bag and I need to keep working through these issues with my t? Should I show/tell her this? Opinions and advice would be so appreciated right now.

You make it sound like the reasons you try therapy are not that compelling, yet this is your fifth attempt. Youre like the elizabeth taylor or taylor swift of therapy. But when the going gets tough, you get going? Im thinking that to make any real changes in your situation, you are going to have to really rock the boat - its not just boundary problems with a crazy family, its their way or the highway. And youre asking yourself, is it worth it?

You only go around once.

Sorry you are struggling! I know how hard this therapy process can get. I do have a lot of similarities to your situation...strong transference with T., T. offering unlimited, nurturing support, mother fantasies, alienating relationships, childhood adversity, crazy family, feeling worse and doing worse, etc. My T. had countertransference with me, so that really intensified my feelings for her.

I always thought I'd be devastated if the transference and countertransference ever died. Recently, the t/ct dwindled away. What I am now left with is a real, strong bond with my T. I very much care for her, and I know she very much cares for me. It is far more gratifying than the t/ct feelings. This bond is solid, and it has put so many things into perspective, finally. I know now that everything in regards to my relationship with T (and other things) is going to be ok.

I tell you this only as a means to offer you some hope. I wish I had some sound advice for you, though. I have always been a firm believer in therapy, and that the going get's rough before the tough get going. If the ride to recovery is easy, it's probably not gonna last. I think that you do need to talk to your T about your feeling worse, drug craving, emptiness, etc. straight away. She will proably have the best advice for you.

I am not sure on this. First time, age 20, I was forced to do it (coaches)because I was so depressed. I couldn't speak so stopped.
Age 27, trying to kick a drug habit (severe car accident, physical recovery became more important)
Age, 35--- 1 session only because she was extremely obese and her office was very messy
Age 36---- 4-5 sessions, we didn't connect, I couldn't speak
Age 37--- still going strong
The going never got tough with those first 4 attempts so I don't think that is it.

What do you mean by rocking the boat?. I have set the boundaries. Barely any contact with my mom in two years. I have set and stuck to my boundaries with my sisters as well.

don't stop therapy. what you're experiencing is maternal transference and it's NORMAL and countless people have it when they're in therapy. stick around and try to explore your feelings about her with her.

Trust me. I know all about maternal transference. I have read every piece of information out there on the internet about MT/ET, nurturing touch, negative transference. I know why it happens. I recognize it, but cannot stop it from happening. It is the most intense pain ever. I have told her, we have talked about it some. There is nothing anyone can really do about it, that they already haven't done. Maybe we have to just put everything aside and focus on just this????

It sounds like you need to discuss the transference more with your T. Be open it about--she should be able to handle whatever you say (whether maternal, erotic, etc.). Let her know your feelings, your fears, etc. From my experience (paternal and erotic transference with marriage counselor, a bit of maternal transference with T), it's best to talk about stuff than to avoid it, even though it can be very difficult and painful.

When I first started therapy I had the ET and then the MT. Now I have both but my Et is more about the connection - I don't want anything from her. Here is what I went through and you can read some old threads of mine. At first I was completely obsessed with what I wanted from her and couldn't get. I would think "I just want her to say she cares" then I would realize my mom never did and cry. I cried ALL THE TIME. I'm not normally a crier but I would at the drop of a hat in front of anyone. Work was horrible - I couldn't focus, cried, would leave for hours because I was unstable. I read everything I could which my T. pointed out was a way of me avoiding feelings - I was intellectualizing it instead of talking about my feelings. I wanted to see her all the time, an extremely intense longing. I would drive by her work and googled her which others have pointed out is a way to get/feel close. I could barely talk in my sessions because I felt all these feelings were crazy. She's not my mom, can't be and she's around my age. At this point I totally pushed away my family. So much so that my H thought I was having an affair - i would go run an errand and drive around for a few hours just crying and processing. At this point I told my T. I'm pushing everyone away and admitted the ET.

Then, I went into wondering how she does everything - who cooks dinner, what does she cook, how is she with her family, etc. I still do to an extent and it drives me CRAZY. Next, I went through a stage of just wanting to hurt myself like drink a lot, drugs, whatever. I didn't care if something happened to me. It reminded me of myself in college when I was rebellious.

So, I told my T. that I think I went through some stages of childhood with her. Infant - wanting everything from her, craving her, etc.
Young child - wanting to mirror - her actions/homelife, etc.
Teenager - rebellious stage of not caring and maybe as a way of wanting her to notice.

I'm not sure if I"m in college now or an adult. I still crave what she can't give me, I still wonder about her, I still have the ET when I"m in my sessions and she asks me difficult things or locks eyes with me. I'm in a very insecure phase - don't fully trust her, not sure if she really cares, etc.

In the Emotionally Distant Mother book, they mention phases of transference and the insecure one is a later stage before the secure attachment, I think.

I wanted to stop therapy and threatened many times. Apparently those with childhood emotional neglect are hard to keep in therapy. We don't want to need anyone or be dependent on anyone. My T. told me I would be worse if I stopped but didn't tell me in what way.

I think the best thing you can do is talk to her more about how you're feeling as crazy as it may feel/sound. I wish I had talked to my T. more. I did most of it on my own.

I think I was mourning what my mom never gave me and what I wanted from T. I still am. But, now I feel myself moving on to mourning that she's gone. I"m still angry so have awhile to go. Keep pushing through - it will get better. you'll have weeks where you don't think you can do it anymore and then you'll have week where you feel completely fine and think the transference is gone. It's so strange!

I think therapy can sometimes make people's lives worse, it is not necessarily the best thing to do to keep going. I saw a T for nine months. Before starting with her I was sleeping well - deeply through the night every night. While I saw my T I slept badly and lost my motivation in life, I had moments where I sobbed every day. I stopped seeing her 6 weeks ago and, after a difficult two weeks, gradually started sleeping again, and am now my normal motivated self, but in a better state than I was before therapy. I've just started with a new T as I feel that my therapy was unfinished business and I'm hopeful that with a different T it will have a different impact on me. I think you are right to question whether your therapy is really doing you any good, it doesn't sound like it is to me.

I almost always email my agendas each week. This helps because I have trouble talking. I am just going to email her this. She has always handled the tough things well. She contains my feelings so well. Don't get me wrong, good things have come out of therapy but this is greatly overshadowed by extreme painful transference. I am just going to put it all out there. Maybe, she will have ideas or maybe she will tell me we should take a break. I do believe she had my best interests at heart. I just need to say this stuff over and over I guess. I feel like I have already said it (in bits and parts). I feel like I don't get much back from her except your feelings are ok, this is to be expected with your background, feelings are feelings and I want you to express them blah blah blah.......

Yes, I think we have to keep talking about them. It has taken me months of talking to figure out where these feeligns came from. So, some sessions I only talk about my feelings towards her like it seems she's frustrated at me and then we discuss if that's really the case, where it's coming from and how to move through it. Other sessions, I give her more information on my mom and childhood. Of course, it usually is about what feelings are bothering me the most and most of them are directed at T. due to the transference.

This week we are having a funeral for my texting issue. I've never told her ALL of my feelings about it so I'm going to and then be done with the issue. I've got to get rid of issues that are affecting my trust with her.

And, ask your T. how to deal with it. I did and her answer was to talk and talk and talk. We have to talk about our feelings, grieve what we never got (and are just now realizing through the transference), figure out what T. can give us (if anything) and then seek out what we need other places if possible.

I sometimes worry I"m talking too much about our relationship but I guess that shows how deep the wound is. And, I have learned SO MUCH about myself and how I interact with others. 11 months into therapy and we're just touching on me minimizing my feelings in front of her like my mom did mine.

I feel like the transference for me has helped realize some things about my parents and childhood and how they affect who I am now. I've been seeing my individual T for over 3 years now, my marriage counselor off and on for close to 2. Sure, I've talked about various childhood things with T (and a bit with MC), but it wasn't until I started feeling the erotic and paternal transference for MC maybe 4-5 months ago that I *really* started delving into those issues. Well, OK, once I actually admitted the transference first to my T, then to my MC, which have been in the past 2 months.

I've talked with my MC individually twice to address it, and in my sessions with my T. In those discussions, I've come to realize and understand so much. It's like I had to go through having the intense transference to help unearth those feelings. I've felt so much more open with my T, and we seem to be making so much more progress lately as a result. Incidentally, I do have some maternal transference for her, too, but not at the level of intensity for my MC. (Though I do often worry she'll be mad at me for, say, e-mailing or calling...) It seems like I'm affecting her more, too, like she started tearing up at one session recently (which I've never seen her do!), and last session she told me that something I said about my experience in childhood really touched her deeply. (Hm, perhaps she's having some maternal countertransference...)

My point here is that it can really help to talk about transference and to uncover some of what's behind it. It's like you have to go through that intense emotion to understand and grow from it. I know some people on here have said that therapists often think of transference as a sign that the therapy is working--that the connection is there so that real work can be done. So it's worth it to face it and learn from it (even though it can be painful and/or confusing as hell!)

I think it is good to be open and honest with our T's otherwise how can they help? Sending her a copy of what you have written here is a good idea. Please let us know how it goes.