[SoupDragon]

So still no contact with T regarding rescheduling on my sessions and have just written this. I would be grateful for any feedback on whether as in the title, this sounds irrational or impulsive.

Please can this letter be viewed as my next session.

I felt absolutely fine on Thursday. It was my first day back at work and I actually enjoyed being there and felt calm, relaxed and clear headed.
I still felt like that despite hearing that I would need to go to xxx on Tuesday hence not being able to make it back for our session in time.
I sent the email to you, but didn’t want to raise any concerns or any sense of urgency regarding my email post Tuesday’s session and what you had told me about contacting you in I got in a pickle and still felt fine.
When I didn’t hear from you Friday, I reminded myself that you had said you have a lot on and also that I had titled my email “non-urgent”.
But over the weekend without any response I have experienced an increase in overwhelm of feelings, I am not really sure what they are, but have tried to be aware of, notice them and sit with them.
Of course with these feelings I struggle to control my head and have had many conflicting thoughts. These centre around “I quit” types of thoughts, thoughts of what have I got so wrong here and why on earth I am feeling like I do. I suspect there is much of my past tied up in these thoughts, feeling unnoticed, difficult, bad, hurt and probably anger too, alongside remaining passively in relationships. I acknowledge this is my stuff and actually you have your reasons why you haven’t responded which are nothing to do with any of that.
If I come to another session at the moment, I know I will sit there and say nothing. However, after 5 years of coming to see you and still being unable to talk to you face to face about this, I think I have lost faith in ever being able to engage with you to the degree that I will resolve many of my issues. Instead I am thinking I have to move to acceptance of who I am and plan my life around that acceptance and lower (or change?) my expectations of what I can achieve for myself in my life.
I have reflected on what you have previously said and the boundaries you have suggested to persuade me not to just stop coming and I trust what you say in that endings are important.
But right now, I cannot bear to come and talk through this or go through a 3 month termination phase, that will feel like a slow death, similar to what I experienced when my father became unwell.
I feel adequately resourced at the moment and have decided that I think it is best for me to take some time out, to move away from focusing on psychotherapy and my intention would be to return to see you, if that is something that you are open to, when I have been able to untangle some of this in my head.
The things I have previously written regarding your patience with me still stand, but I know this doesn’t act to move me out of the difficult client category and for that I apologise.

Thank-you Soup

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Neither irrational nor impulsive - if that is how you feel this seems to me to be a good way to say it.

[Coco3]

I agree with ManOfConstantSorrow.

[JaneC]

Soup, it doesn't sound impulsive or irrational at all. It sounds measured and I think you have been considering this for a while.

Just ask yourself, in a quiet moment, is this the right action to take? I am sure you will hear your answer. You will know.

That is what I did with my email to my T that I wrote about, I just asked myself the above question. I got my answer. Doesn't mean though that I won't agonise over it, stress, worry, curse myself, second guess my resolve etc no wonder I am in therapy right?

I hope you come to a decision without to much agonising.

[SoupDragon]

Thank-you for your responses. I have just heard from my T (who apologised for the delay), which has put a spanner in the works, their response was so matter of fact and I am back wondering why I made such a big deal about this. I am now wondering if I can be brave enough to print this off and take it with me to the session to show what I was about to send. Although my head may have been driven by my feelings, I am thinking there is relevant stuff in there and maybe quitting is still the thing to do. I have just found someone else on the internet who has a different approach, very structured, which may be more helpful to me. Then I am with Stopdog thinking what about 2 T's? It's my life and therapy right?

I know I am not alone in this confusing head stuff about therapy - I think right now I could handle the overwhelm, pain etc. as long as I had some reassurance that it will be worth it in the end.

Soup

it doesn't sound irrational or impulsive to me, it's very well thought out and coherent.

[Wren_]

(((((Soup)))) I'm glad he replied ... and hope you can take this to your session and talk about it ... there's a lot there have you raised the idea of a second T with your T before?

[SoupDragon]

Hi (((TG))). You've been there with me before with the "I quit"s haven't you

No I have not raised seeing 2 with my T before and would probably not tell. In my experience it probably wouldn't be acceptable to them.

It's likely that I will see T tomorrow so will see how that goes before deciding further.

Soup

What are your hoping for?

[Wren_]

(((Soup))) good idea on seeing how tomorrow goes ... although some t's don't like it, there are some more open ... and at this point in your therapy journey it could be worth discussing with him ... and if he doesn't like the idea it might help hearing why from his side as well as why you do

[SoupDragon]

That's a good question Mouse. I don't think I am hoping for anything from my T, but something from myself.

I wish I wasn't so terrified of conflict, I know that causes problems for me in my life. I hope I can see T and actually talk through some of this stuff.

My father would ignore me (literally) for days on end and I am seeing how this distorts things in my head and triggers overwhelm for me when similar situations present themselves to me or where I perceive I am invisible.

[unaluna]

(((Soup)))

[guilloche]

(((SoupDragon))) I'm really glad your T got back to you too!

I think bringing it in and talking about it could be helpful... it's therapy, this seems like the type of stuff we should be talking about, assuming your T is not one of the rotten, defensive ones that will take it personally...

If you're thinking of quitting to see another T, you might want to try out that T first to get a sense of how they work and whether it's really helpful to you. Sometimes they sound great on their website, but end up being not a good match when you actually start working together. Better to figure that out, I think, before cutting ties with your current T.

Good luck!

[SoupDragon]

Thanks Guilloche. That's a good idea about trying T2 out first before considering breaking with current T. I'm going to try really hard tomorrow to show T what I wrote and take a risk.

I think that if you do quit at some time you should heed Ts advice and process an ending, we can all see from people's posts on this board how important the ending is. Quitting cold turkey is surprisingly painful.

I tried out Ts before I quit my ex-T but somehow it didn't work, talking to a stranger never felt better than talking to ex-T, it was only after I actually quit the T that I was able to properly consider the new Ts.

I think your idea of taking a break and trying out other Ts is a good one, might help you to finally settle the questions about your therapy which have bugging you for a while?