[granite1]

sorry so long .just a bunch of rambling on about my session . very boring to read but very important to me in trying to start talking to my T about some very hard things

wow yet another strange session . I was going to go in and try my hardest to talk to her about my not talking and opening up and so on . .was not so sure this was going to happen once I got in there. she did not say hello and it sent me into complete panic mode. so instead of going in there and starting to talk I spent a good 15 min not talking at all about talking and fighting the demons in my head telling me to just get the heck out of there.. I just about jumped out of my skin at someone closing a door outside the office. my T asked if I was having jumpy thoughts . and her speaking to me seemed to break the dam a bit and I said no that I was thinking of running out of there and that I was in total panic mode.and that started it going and I started to feel a little bit better and embarrassed about my panic . we talked some about the panic as she reassure me that I was not a prisoner in her office and that any time I wish to leave I am able to just get up and leave. I know this but it is nice to hear it when the door is closed. she also asked how I manage the panic. I told her that I know that it will go away and that I am already starting to feel better. then I started my talk about talking that I had wanted to talk about .

I told her that I had wanted to talk to her about talking but as soon as I got in her office I panicked. she asked me what I wanted to say . it took a while for me to say anything more . she filled in by saying that I had been talking a lot and doing ok. now this completely confused me but made me smile a little . it was kind of cool to hear this . but I still didn't feel this way at all. I told her that there is so much that I would want to talk to her about but cant seem to . she told me that this is a survival skill that I learned at a very young age and that I is very deeply seeded .when I was punished to badly for talking or speaking truths I learned that being quiet kept me safe .and then it was a very useful skill, not so much now when I want to talk about things. that I have this voice in my head saying "no granite don't you say anything ,don't you talk" she sounded so nice and gentle when she was mimicking the voice in my head and I had to smile and say it was hardly that nice. she was so calm talking about all of this .I on the other hand was so uncomfortable . I knew I was turning all red and completely overwhelmed . I don't know why because we were talking about talking . I did ask her why it was such a big deal for me that I was even in panic mode about talking . she said that if I was to talk that would be a risk and make me vulnerable. its terrifying ! then she said that I am doing well talking I told her again that I didn't feel that way. she said "I happen to remember what seemed like years that you would not speak at all . now that was hard but we managed to get through that didn't we?" wow I couldn't answer . it was so validating to hear her say that I have done better . I know people here tell me that they see me doing better but to hear it from her was nice. but I still feel like I shut down when it comes to telling her things. she said that I have come up with other ways of communicating when that happens , like writing in my T journal. I told her that I didn't think she liked me doing that . she asked why I thought that but I didn't want to tell her . I just said that I thought she didn't like me doing that any more . she asked if I wanted to ask her if she minded me doing that . I was scared she would say yes and take it away from me so at first I said I don't know . and she told me again I could ask her . then I went all stopdog on her and said that I didn't think the answer was all that important weather she liked it or not . she backed down and said I suppose it really isn't important what I think if it is something that you feel comfortable with. I think she wanted me to ask her so I would know because she responded by telling me some positive things about when I write in my journal . and she also said that my drawing were very expressive in a deeper way and could see how that might leave me vulnerable sharing them. in the end she said that she thinks that I am trying to tell her that I would like to be able to talk about things instead of write about them and to have writing as a back up form of communication . I nodded yes but my head was exploding with fear that she would take my writing away again . I just want to be able to go and be able to talk about what is going on or whatever with out shutting down . I don't know if she really understood what I was trying to say but I feel better having said it .

[jelly-bean]

It sounds like you have a very compassionate and understanding T! I think you are very fortunate to have her and it sounds like she is doing you a lot of good! Congratulations to you for talking to her and for writing about it here. I know how hard it can be to do that.

[stopdog]

I think that sounds like a relatively not unokay appointment.
I think it was brave to say so much at this one.

Great job, Granite.

[mira belle]

thanks for sharing.interesting read. Your T is so nice and knowledgable !

[Coco3]

I think you did great! Your T sounds wonderful.

I struggled with talking to my T too. I'd shut down completely and just didn't know how to say things out loud. I write a lot like you do. One day I started emailing my T instead of talking to him. I could express myself much better that way. That got things going. I learnt to open up via email which lead me to opening up in session.

you did good Granite

[skeksi]

My T and I have spent SO much time talking about talking! And it really has made it easier--when I talk it's more because I want to and feel comfortable--before it was the hard part of me forcing the rest of me into it. It's easier when all of me is on board with talking!

You are plugging away granite and it is getting better.

[peaches100]

I think you did good, Granite! I like the way your t works with you too. I also know how scary it must be for you to open up, when you always got punished for speaking up as a child. It's amazing how deeply rooted those fears go, isn't it? But you are doing great! Just keep plugging along!