[lunatic soul]

When I met my T I was 19 years old and never had relationships with man, never had boyfriend.
When we met I got together with one boy but at the same time I feel in love with my t.
T was first man I attracted to and unfortunetely I never felt like this with anyone else.
If I never knew how it is to be in love with t, maybe I would be enough with other men too but they will never be like him.
Now Im 24 and I never attracted to any of my boyfriends. I always wanted but never could. I have boyfriend now and I just play this game called life, I try to live how I should live. Im not happy.
And I cant understand why I cant attract to anyone anymore. Pretending happiness in relationships leads me to drug abuse again.
Therapy is something so toxic and waste of time. I gave all my heart to him and it seems I will never get it back to love again. I wish I could.

Think the drug use is more toxic and waste of time.

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Think the drug use is more toxic and waste of time.

Sometimes its only one thing that saves me.
Its not waste of time but yeah its self destrucion but if we talk about wasting time- when Im depressed I really waste it but drugs help me to do something useful. Yes I know how bad it could end.

are you getting proper help for your addiction/depression?

[divine1966]

Do you have a new t? You might need one to get help with issues of drug abuse.

At 24 there is no need to force yourself be in relationships or be with bf whom you not even attracted to. What for?

You have plenty of time ahead of you. Many people didn't have relationships until later. My nephew never had a gf until 24. And he had no mental issues, he just didn't like anyone. But now they are together for 18 months and very serious and she is awesome

Don't worry about having boyfriends at this point

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

Sometimes its only one thing that saves me.
Its not waste of time but yeah its self destrucion but if we talk about wasting time- when Im depressed I really waste it but drugs help me to do something useful. Yes I know how bad it could end.

It's a fantasy. One day they stop working for you. Than the **** will really hit the fan. I've been. There.

((((lunaticsoul)))))

[Giucy]

I always wanted but never could.

No one can dictate attraction to another person. Attraction is not something you can dictate and act as you would choose to buy a cake.

I try to live how I should live

Neither you should, neither you should not have a bf. No matter how old are you.

Im not happy

This is the core problem, bf or not bf.

And I cant understand why I cant attract to anyone anymore

You'll attract the right person at the right moment. Attracting a person for romance has much to do with the circumstances and does not diminish your value as a person.

Pretending happiness in relationships leads me to drug abuse again.

Pretending happiness in relationships is also a great recipe for unattractiveness.

but they will never be like him

No person can be like another. Everyone is unique. Finding a bf to substitute your t is like finding an elephant at the North Pole : won't happen.

it seems I will never get it back to love again

This is an illusion. You'll find love when you'll find the right person at the right moment.
Currently, it's not the right moment to find the right person, that's it. Nothing more, nothing less, and nothing to do with your personal value.

but at the same time I feel in love with my t.T was first man I attracted to and unfortunetely I never felt like this with anyone else.

Even if it was the first time you experienced such feelings, it was still transference 101.
Relationships in therapy feel much more intimate than they really are. If you met said T in a different context, maybe you would not felt attracted by him.
What you felt was absolutely normal. But these feelings could not be acted upon because you were in the context of therapy.

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by Annaflower

are you getting proper help for your addiction/depression?

I dont have addiction for now, I was addicted and got out of this by myself and God. Its hard for me to get pain killers, I started to take it because of painful sex but like people who had addictions in the past, one injection made me want more and more. Im not addicted but I think I could be if it would be easier to get these drugs.

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Do you have a new t? You might need one to get help with issues of drug abuse.

At 24 there is no need to force yourself be in relationships or be with bf whom you not even attracted to. What for?

You have plenty of time ahead of you. Many people didn't have relationships until later. My nephew never had a gf until 24. And he had no mental issues, he just didn't like anyone. But now they are together for 18 months and very serious and she is awesome

Don't worry about having boyfriends at this point

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

You are right but I feel so lonely and miserable if I dont have a boyfriend, when Im mad to my T or to people who repeat that Im so good girl, its all I want. Yes, its not okay but I try to help myself being in relationships.
I have another T but I started to see her very rarely because she hurt me, she said- maybe its okay that you had trauma in sex (it was abuse and violence) because now fears from sex stop you to have it and you can live pure, you are not sinner anymore.
My another T is fanatic Christian and after these conversation I didn;t want to see her anymore, I was in therapy for 4 months and Im mad at her.
Now Im trying to talk to my former T about this stuff and its really hard because Im in love with him.

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

It's a fantasy. One day they stop working for you. Than the **** will really hit the fan. I've been. There.

I know. Its road to hell.

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by Giucy

Even if it was the first time you experienced such feelings, it was still transference 101.
Relationships in therapy feel much more intimate than they really are. If you met said T in a different context, maybe you would not felt attracted by him.
What you felt was absolutely normal. But these feelings could not be acted upon because you were in the context of therapy.

Thanks for your reply. I disagree with the last part- its not transference, I have felt something like transference when someone remind me of another person I love for example my mother, I would go crazy but I knew about transference stuff so I analysed that yes I like her as a person but its transference, its a illusion or delusion or psychosis what makes me feel like she is my mother and I attached to her but she is not. Transference is not only in therapy, it happens to us in real life too.
But its not transference with my T, its attraction and emotional attachment (we attach to our classmates and workmates too sometimes because we used to see them all the time). If he were my workmate i would surely like him, it happens at first sight.

[Giucy]

And even if it was not transference, the feelings being unable to act upon in the context of therapy is still relevant.