[DelusionsDaily]

i know I'm beating a dead horse by talking about this 18 months later but it has been on my mind lately. For most of the time the last 12 months this hasn't been much of, if any, issue. I'm hoping that by typing this out I can make more sense of what is going on in my head. I have been thinking quite a bit about x-pdoc the last 2 months. I have tried to write a letter to him that I wouldn't necessarily send but to help make sense of what was going on in my head. I don't really want him to be my doctor again but I think with the events of the last two months have given me greater appreciation for what he tried to do and went through with me. A friend of mine committed suicide March 1st and since then I have slipping ever so slowly into a depression. Also trying to cope with the guilt I feel for stepping down from taking care of grandma forcing my mom and her sister to move her to a facility. I just for some reason I can't quite pinpoint want to talk to him. I don't quite know what I would say but just a compulsion to see him. For some inexplicable reason I'm just really wishing I could see and talk to him for just a minute. I don't know this is crazy talk I wasn't all that thrilled with him as my doc and yet now there are times all I want is to see him, doc or not. I know if I just let this pass I'll be a little closer to full closure.Guess, despite being incredibly uncomfortable about all this, I need to let this go...instead of trying to figure it all out.

[iheartjacques]

It's not your fault your grandma needed to be moved if she had high level needs that none of you could cope with.

[unaluna]

I think if you do succeed in having a really good t relationship, ie with someone else, that fixation on him will end. I was kinda hung up on my prev pdoc, but after current t - its kinda like that need to belong, to be cared about, has been satisfied.

[precaryous]

I am sorry, I can't remember your history with xPdoc or why you had to stop seeing him.

But if it helps at all, the way I can relate is that I had a prev psychiatrist that I really connected with. He was so charismatic that he seemed to bring the sunshine with him when he entered a room. Looking back, I know he had loose boundaries and caused chaos in my life, as well. I had to stop seeing him because his job moved. A few years ago I found out he was sent to federal prison. *I still* want to write him sometimes, knowing what I know.

My T says I should I bring any letters I want to write to him...and read them to her. Not to send them.

Do you have a current T that can help you with this?

[DelusionsDaily]

I have a current t who I truly love. She is 100% amazing for me. I also have an NP for meds. She too I have no complaints about or anything. I have moved on for the most part...just every so often I get hung up on him for a while again. Ugh!