[Soccer mom]

Do you ever realize things in between sessions and NOT want to tell your T? I have struggled with completely trusting my T. although I can't pinpoint why I don't. Also, she has said for months that I don't see her reassurance and care. The day after my therapy it occurred to me that maybe I'm blocking both. Maybe I'm not completely trusting her for fear she will hurt me. It also occurred to me that maybe I'm scared to fully accept her reassurance and care. I can't even figure out why. I just started crying that maybe it's really there and I don't want to see it. It was the first time it's popped in my head so maybe I was subconsciously fighting it. The tears were because if it's really there, then in between sessions would be even more difficult.

I immediately thought I'll have to tell T. As the week has passed, I now don't want to tell her. Maybe it's that I don't want to admit it? I feel a dreadful feeling of letting her know. I can't figure out why. I could fully trust her and accept her reassurance/care and possibly have a completely different relationship. So, why would I NOT want to tell her this?

The feeling of dreading telling her is the same feeling I get when thinking of fully trusting her. It's also the same feeling that makes me not want to grieve my mom.

[KayDubs]

I don't mean this in a trite way, but have you considered emailing this exact language to her, or printing it out for her to read?

I'm scared to fully accept her reassurance and care.

I totally get this, without a doubt--this is heavy stuff.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

On the contrary, it is the thoughts that I have between sessions that are especially valuable to discuss at the next session.

I'm scared to fully accept her reassurance and care. - I expect that, since you think it so, this is a powerful force, and I would not be surprised to find that your life experiences have given you good reason for caution.

I would tell your T - what is the worst that can happen? Do you think he/she has never had clients with trust issues before?

[iheartjacques]

Sometimes I tell him things I've realized, sometimes I don't get a chance.

[LindaLu]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Do you ever realize things in between sessions and NOT want to tell your T?

All the time! It can feel very threatening too. Idea: Give yourself at least week to process, and another week to time your disclosure. Keeping running notes about topics for future sessions can help. You'll know when that realization has risen to the top and feels ready for exploration with T. Meanwhile trust your interim, internal processing.

I personally think that it's ok not to fully trust your therapist. There is a huge power imbalance. They have to earn our trust and that takes time. Lots of time.
Are you having trouble accepting her care or believing it because they are very different things.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I immediately thought I'll have to tell T. As the week has passed, I now don't want to tell her. Maybe it's that I don't want to admit it? I feel a dreadful feeling of letting her know. I can't figure out why. I could fully trust her and accept her reassurance/care and possibly have a completely different relationship. So, why would I NOT want to tell her this?

The feeling of dreading telling her is the same feeling I get when thinking of fully trusting her. It's also the same feeling that makes me not want to grieve my mom.

this feeling youre describing sounds like being an. Al. Retentive. I should know, i am their queen what is this prize you are keeping away from your t?

[LonesomeTonight]

It totally makes sense that you're feeling this way. From what you've said on here about your past, it's not surprising you're having trouble accepting your T, well, accepting you and reassuring you. She probably suspects that, too--I doubt your realization will come as too much of a surprise to her. If you don't feel ready, though, sit on it, wait a week or two, then re-assess how you feel.

I've certainly had things I've realized that I've kept from my T (didn't tell her about my feelings for marriage counselor for like a couple months. Plus other stuff). But I've found that after I open up to her, I often felt a sense of relief and that it improved our relationship.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by KayDubs

I don't mean this in a trite way, but have you considered emailing this exact language to her, or printing it out for her to read?

I totally get this, without a doubt--this is heavy stuff.

She doesn't email and won't read. She makes me read or say it. And she wants me to say it most of all because I tend to talk without any feeling behind it.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

On the contrary, it is the thoughts that I have between sessions that are especially valuable to discuss at the next session.

I'm scared to fully accept her reassurance and care. - I expect that, since you think it so, this is a powerful force, and I would not be surprised to find that your life experiences have given you good reason for caution.

I would tell your T - what is the worst that can happen? Do you think he/she has never had clients with trust issues before?

I'm sure other clients have had trust issues. I'm not even sure of the worst. I just know every part of me says not to discuss it.

[BayBrony]

Maybe you just aren't ready for the emotions it will bring up?? I know for me, when I feel that way it means my sub conscious knows it will be an emotionally draining experience and I am waiting until I feel like I have an adequate amount of energy and understanding to process it. I will avoid a topic and then suddenly feel comfortable discussing it when I have had more sleep, or a quieter week at work, or a little time alone...

[Whiteroses02]

Originally Posted by BayBrony

Maybe you just aren't ready for the emotions it will bring up?? I know for me, when I feel that way it means my sub conscious knows it will be an emotionally draining experience and I am waiting until I feel like I have an adequate amount of energy and understanding to process it. I will avoid a topic and then suddenly feel comfortable discussing it when I have had more sleep, or a quieter week at work, or a little time alone...

Wow BayBrony, you have put words to something I do and judge throughout my therapeutic journey. I never put any worth to my own subconscious just trying to keep me safe when I don't/can't talk about certain topics and then always find it so confusing why the next week it might be so easy to bring up the same topic. I've just always judged myself with negative thoughts regarding this process. Thank you for your response. You've really given me power to battle those judgements next time!

[BayBrony]

Originally Posted by Whiteroses02

Wow BayBrony, you have put words to something I do and judge throughout my therapeutic journey. I never put any worth to my own subconscious just trying to keep me safe when I don't/can't talk about certain topics and then always find it so confusing why the next week it might be so easy to bring up the same topic. I've just always judged myself with negative thoughts regarding this process. Thank you for your response. You've really given me power to battle those judgements next time!

I'm glad it helped!!! Learning to "flow" with my therapy process has been a learning experience for me and my T. I will plow through memories and realizations and difficult emotions at a speed that used to frighten my T. She has said she used to want to yell "slow down! Be careful!". Then I'll suddenly stop and just want to be quiet and connected for a session or two. I used to always want to push and push and push and then get frustrated at myself when the insights dried up. But that just fed the self criticism I'm trying to work on. So I've learned to accept that my sub conscious is keeping me safe, letting information out as I can handle it...

[Whiteroses02]

My T has tried to get me to grasp this concept too, but it took hearing someone else going through the same process to accept it's not something to worry that is wrong with just me. It's a testament to how deep down my insecurities are ingrained, but I'm happy that I was able to connect to your post to change that thought process!

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by BayBrony

I'm glad it helped!!! Learning to "flow" with my therapy process has been a learning experience for me and my T. I will plow through memories and realizations and difficult emotions at a speed that used to frighten my T. She has said she used to want to yell "slow down! Be careful!". Then I'll suddenly stop and just want to be quiet and connected for a session or two. I used to always want to push and push and push and then get frustrated at myself when the insights dried up. But that just fed the self criticism I'm trying to work on. So I've learned to accept that my sub conscious is keeping me safe, letting information out as I can handle it...

Interesting.. My T has also told me that I need to slow down. She says I keep wanting to check off the boxes and it doesn't work that way. I also never thought of it as my subconscious protecting me.