[Ambra]

Hi all, I need advice for who feels like giving some..
I usually see my t once a week. Last week I was looking forward to our session but she cancelled last minute saying she was sorry. I was in a bad place and am quite attached so I thought, fine, I'm not coming anymore. I didn't take it well and I haven't heard of her since, so I was wondering, maybe she thinks our appointment is on same day and time, or what? I was hurt by this sudden cancellation (I'm being whiny and childish I know.. I try not to but it came the day after another abandonment by someone else and I really needed the session). Especially because she didn't take the time to reschedule which she ALWAYS does straight away when she cancels.
I don't really feel like contacting her o ask for a session honestly, we'e seen each other regularly for a long time and she knows me quite well. What do you think i should do? show up at next session or wait or maybe do you think she just wanted me to quit this time? I'm quite upset, she's always been honest but human and never tortured me with termination or power tricks.. she is/ used to be a really safe figure. I don't know. thanks.

[JaneTennison1]

Maybe she's just still sick? I would ask her, it's the only way to know what is going on for her.

[Elkino]

If you see your T regularly, I think there's a chance she might have made the assumption you would see each other at the moment the next session was planned.
How did she actually cancel? By phone?
How long ago was it? Maybe she will still get back to you, but she was dealing with an emergency when she contacted you?

You say you know that she's always handling this kind of things well... scheduling another session and being a 'safe figure', so I don't think you have to worry about that.
And not to hurt yourself any more than necessary, I would contact her and ask. It's difficult, but you will know what's going on right away.

Take care

Just contact her and double check on your next appointment. No telling what is going on and she may just have gotten really distracted.

[Ambra]

Thank you for the replies..
To answer some questions: she texted me last week on our regular day that she wouldn't make it on time for our appointment and that was very sorry. I replied, ok no problem and I haven't heard of her ever since. My next session should be in 3 days.
Rationally I have to say I took badly (horrible timing to cancel) and she doesn't really deserve such resentment - unless she terminated me out of the blue, but it's really difficult for me to believe this
I feel like a pain in the neck now to ask "hey, am I getting my appointment this week? Am I?" It feels like a bad claim, like she hasn't offered an option this time but I am insisting on it.

On the other hand it has happened something similar in the past so I don't want to be such an ***hole again just in case she waits. I got the wrong time by mistake and she waited for another 2 hours as I was her last appointment. I mean she's always been kind. But I've always had my appt booked. Why wouldn't she tell me if I started bothering her, I am used to her heart-to-heart talks.
Uh, sorry for the rant. I'm being irrational and paranoid but I'm struggling with rejection.
No more therapy if I lose this T.

[pbutton]

When you said you didn't take it well, did you tell her that you were not coming back?

I know that it's hard to let go of the negative feelings, but the most straightforward way to solve the problem would really be to contact her and ask what is going on. You would not be out of line contacting her to find out what is happening with your next session. Learning to ask for things that you want could help ease some of this pain.

[NowhereUSA]

I think this is where checking the facts of the situation would be helpful. It's unlikely that she's trying to hurt or avoid you. It's possible that she didn't have any open appointments to offer you. I had my T once cancel on me the day of and I later found out he had to attend a funeral that he'd found out about very suddenly.

In order to find out if she is expecting you at your regular time, I would contact her and find out.

Cutting off your nose to spite your face isn't going to do you any good. It's not easy to face our fears but there's no factual reason to think she's going to reject you. Worst case scenario (realistically) is that she didn't book your appointment this week. If she were to say that, simply ask if you can have another slot this week and get booked for your regular spot next week.

But there's really only one way to find out.

[Ambra]

Originally Posted by pbutton

When you said you didn't take it well, did you tell her that you were not coming back?

I know that it's hard to let go of the negative feelings, but the most straightforward way to solve the problem would really be to contact her and ask what is going on. You would not be out of line contacting her to find out what is happening with your next session. Learning to ask for things that you want could help ease some of this pain.

Oh no I didn't write her I'm not going back, I felt very hurt and just acknowledged the text without hinting to the "next time" or whatever, she usually goes "see you next week" or "we will have to postpone to.." straight after when she cancels but not this time and I didn't think about doing it either.

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

I think this is where checking the facts of the situation would be helpful. It's unlikely that she's trying to hurt or avoid you.
In order to find out if she is expecting you at your regular time, I would contact her and find out.

Cutting off your nose to spite your face isn't going to do you any good. It's not easy to face our fears but there's no factual reason to think she's going to reject you.

But there's really only one way to find out.

Thank you, you are all right here. Why is it so difficult to ask for things?
I guess I will have to before saturday.

Sounds like she was stressed out about something else and forgot to mention the next appointment. Just get in touch with her and clarify. She won't think a thing of it I'm sure.

[Ambra]

Hi, here is an update as you were so nice and supportive.

Eventually I wrote my T a text, like 1 hour before our supposed appointment saying since we didn't schedule I assumed there would be no session, and if there would be one like next week.
T called me back saying of course she was waiting for me at the usual time and didn't know whether specify it or not as I am quite shy and avoidant and I struggle to ask (and yes I hate this) but she wanted/hoped I knew it without being reminded of it. Ehr. She hit the point and said our work will finish by mutual agreement and not abandonment and so the slot is *mine* unless problems or accidents occur like last week. I have to say, the child in me was delighted. And she asked what the heck I did to my hair and if I like them more short and black. They make me feel different - but I miss my old hair to be honest. She said she's staying at least until I have my long red hair back, haha.

I feel pretty guilty about how bad I took it, I should know her by now, but I feel abandonment really easily and I hate this, it's hell. I need to work on this and it comes with perfect timing as T told me she is pregnant.. I'm genuinely happy for her and I took it way better than I thought in my most positive vision when I used to think about it in the past, and found me really dreading this moment, plus I really love this kind of news.
I'll miss her though and am worried about my inability to let go of people and accept changes and that life goes on, I've always struggled a lot - really a lot if I get attached - with people leaving me and things changing.. like I still have to get over a person I haven't seen regularly for 15 years now.

I am relieved that I still feel safer and calmer than expected because
1- she said she will be there after maternity leave again, if we won't have terminated by then, and she will be there anyway for a talk whenever I'll feel like seeing her;
2- I hope this will force me into independency from T somehow (mostly emotionally), and make me focus on the good, like more savings and money for rent etc. or a holiday. I'm glad to spend/work with this unique T but I have to find some motivation

I'm not planning on getting another T, not even to replace her especially if there's no rupture and T is going to work with me again if needed. Besides I've always felt very uncomfortable and hostile around all the other Ts I've tried so I think I'll rather wait even for longer.
Now I have to figure out what to do, she sees me after work but I will feel uncomfortable making her stay in the evening as months pass, I want to find a solution. Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you handle such news or what do you think anyway? Any opinion or advice on how to do is welcome.
Thanks

So glad to hear your update. Glad things are ok with your T. I can identify with feelings of abandonment, reading your story I can feel the emotions I would have felt in your situation. I imagine that as her pregnancy progresses her workload will naturally drop off a bit as she probably won't take on new clients and she would still want to see you at your usual time. I know when I was pregnant I carried on working and wanted to live my life as normally as possible.

[Ambra]

Thank you Brown Owl, also for sharing your own experience and point of view. It's really important to me.
I took the news surprisingly very well but was curious about how it is from other perspectives (I have no children or a past T who left for a while) and felt a bit lost because I'll never find another T like her, I'm sure. But I'm fine so far, I trust her that everything will be ok and that she will be there again if needed. And I still have some months to process this.

[iheartjacques]

I walked out on T. I crumpled. I cried and was angry for days. Then I had to email to ask if I still had the next scheduled appointment. So he hadn't cancelled them after I'd told him to go get stuffed. So maybe he know I was angry about one session but I hadn't specifically said I wouldn't see him again. So I still had all the future bookings.