[granite1]

yet another interesting session. I really had no agenda today at all. I have been working myself crazy and really had not thought much about my appointment . I knew there were things I didn't want to talk about . I got there and she started by going over to the calendar on the wall saying that she knew I liked to know ahead of time if she was not going to be there. so she started to tell me when she was not going to be there and then said OH umm never mind this doesn't affect you . it seemed a conversation she was having with herself lol .I never did find out when she was going to be out but it made me giggle at her and she started giggling also . it was funny. so I just told her that I had no idea what I wanted to talk about today and then you why don't you pick. she smiled at that but I really didn't think she would take me up on that. but she kind of did first she asked me how I was doing on the issues we had talked about last week .at the time I had not remembered what we had talked about . I told her that and she said if I don't remember then she was not going to remind me and that it was not an issue at this point . that made me want to remember. it was about being a mother to my son. I told her a bit about what he was up to and said that I have moved on.
she then suggested I bring out my journal. I felt strange doing that but I did tell her she could choose . she read some stuff about me wanting to be able to talk to her and to talk about the horrible things that had happened to me . she told me that I always had a choice about what I talk about and that she knows it is hard . she then went back to that dream that I had . she said that she thinks it was more of a memory and not so much a dream . I know it was a dream . I told her that nothing as horrible happened to me like was in that dream. she just didn't seem to get it . that dream was so horrible nothing in my life left me feeling that horrible. she believes that that stuff really happened to me . I feel so bad that I have made her think that my life and the mother were that horrible. nothing I tell her now will matter. I told her it was a dream . she asked if I knew ware that dream might have come from. she believes it is something that a person who has been through horrible traumas just like I am saying in this dream . I don't believe I have had any huge trauma. I hate that word every time she says that I cringe. my stomach turns and it just doesn't fit . I guess some of it fits and is somewhat like what I went through . but nothing that horrible . she said that sometimes our memories get distorted around what went on. I told her I remember clearly everything that happened .she didn't seem to believe me . wow I don't know what to do . I didn't meant to make her thing that my life was that horrible

[stopdog]

Sometimes I think those guys are not as focused on objective fact recounting as we may be.

It's not easy when our T doesn't seem to be on the same page as us.

[granite1]

when she asked why I think I could dream something like this I told her that some of the stuff in the dream might be similar to things that happened to me but nothing that horrible .and it may seem distorted because it was a dream . she wanted me to talk about the things that were similar but I couldn't .it was all in my head but I couldn't talk about it. it was humiliating .and even more so now I thought she had these grand ideas of what happened to me . boy will she be disappointed if I ever tell her what things went on . why would she think I am lying when I told her it was just a dream . or that I remember exactly what happened to me and what I did. she seemed to doubt that also . some of it may just be in flashes but I do remember correctly and nothing is as horrible as that dream made me feel. but she said she believe these kind of things happened to me .

Possible trigger:

like in the dream someone was cutting me and people were laughing .she asked about that and I told her that no one had ever cut me except for myself .that was the only similarity to the cutting part of that dream.

I want to tell her things that went on but im scared she will be angry I lied to her even though I told her it was a dream . I should have never shared . I did it because I hardly ever dream and I wanted to share one of the rare times I did .

She doesn't think you are lying. She sees your dream as highly reflective of the type of abuse/trauma you actually did experience. Generally, part of PTSD is that our dreams often replay (not necessarily literally but very much emotionally) what we did experience. It isn't that she doesn't believe your version, but she also knows that our memories can be very selective and we can have a tendency to minimize, and from what you have shared here about the type of abuse you endured, you do seem to be minimizing what happened to you. That isn't about lying; it is a protective response.

[winter4me]

I know that I used to really believe my childhood was not traumatic, well, not That bad, (compared to others say...)---but, when in tx, I did begin having dreams I had not had before, and there was something about them that did connect with reality/as a child might experience-------anyway----(I remembered once when I was younger and friends and I were talking about recurring dreams/nightmares; I told mine, trying to be accurate for once--I tended to change part of it for no apparent reason---and a friend had that response, "It is something that happened to you"---this freaked me out and made me feel weird, a kind of liar
Upshot, the diagnosis over time of PTSD began with a lot of resistance but as years go by...I can see it is, emotionally at least, quite real.....
Hang in there...she may have something there.

[granite1]

morning chris . I don't know what to think . I have never talked to a T about my past much at all. I read here about how people will talk about it like a news print rendition . that is how I feel all this is . when I had that dream it was so emotional and I felt everything. in reality I don't have that when it comes to my past . im angry but that it it .I don't have the same emotions about it . I either feel nothing or I am all kinds of dramatic and out of control scared etc.. but not rational and or proper response to my past.

Originally Posted by granite1

morning chris . I don't know what to think . I have never talked to a T about my past much at all. I read here about how people will talk about it like a news print rendition . that is how I feel all this is . when I had that dream it was so emotional and I felt everything. in reality I don't have that when it comes to my past . im angry but that it it .I don't have the same emotions about it . I either feel nothing or I am all kinds of dramatic and out of control scared etc.. but not rational and or proper response to my past.

That has been completely my experience about my past. I stayed very emotionally disconnected from what happened most of the time because to allow the emotion in was overwhelming. Your reaction is very "normal" in the realm of PTSD. Your T knows that is what is going on. It takes lots of time and patience with yourself to be able to even feel capable of beginning to explore those memories. That's okay. Your T seems quite willing to allow you to do this at whatever pace feels safest for you.