Do not diagnose others or tell others how they should have acted

As evidenced by the results for an "unsolicited advice" search, advice-giving is a delicate interaction no matter the circumstance. I think of it as ALWAYS trespassing in another person's life, and think it should be done with forethought and care.

I've often seen members here who seeming do their version of emulating a therapist through name calling or insults under the guise of "being honest." The preface "I like playing therapist," is a sure bet that veiled aggression will follow. I've seen all kinds of name calling, feigned omniscience, scolding and blaming: you're playing victim, you need a reality check, you're clouded by your BDP thinking, you run away from every situation, you're failing to heal the rupture, you expect him to read your mind, the common denominator is you, you're fault-finding him because you're afraid to face your issues, what's your role in your mistreatment?

I see this kind of advice in itself dishonest, coming from the giver's vanity rather than a sincere need to help the other person. I think that's the metric--is this for me or them? Another give-away is the pretense of magical mind reading. We don't know each other and certainly weren't in the room.

I think it's less intrusive to paraphrase something back to the other person, humbly: "I understand you say that she changed her own rules with you."

I frankly hate prescriptive advice. I long ago was in a career support group where we gave advice out of our own case study and vulnerability. So instead of "you should do yoga," it was "yoga seemed to pull me out of my doldrums." It's delivered a a peer-to-peer comment which isn't superior or direct, leaving the recipient to decide whether it applies.

I've had a few people "play therapist" with me in real life. It's always hostile and never ends well.

I do appreciate having a thread like this where we can discuss these ideas.

I've made the decision to have my post deleted if it upsets someone, even if they are not the original poster. IMO, for the last several months a lot of people have been highly sensitive, because of their own life's issues, and it's easier for them to fight with faceless people. At this point in my life, I'm unwilling to have the negative discourse.

When I get a sense from the original poster that my post is unwelcomed when they thank everyone else for posting, except me and certain others, I have the response deleted. I am quite aware that my type of therapy and my opinions are not very popular, and I am more than okay with that.

I am used to having my threads removed, and I have asked for guidance in starting threads and posting, but as the owner said, "There are too many of us to notify/work with individually." So, the only way I know to police myself is to limit my posting, and delete it or have mods delete it if anyone takes offense.

Oh dear, I have misunderstood the thread.

The difference is we aren't therapists on this site and not getting paid lol we are just talking and answering questions and trying to help one another but I sure hope no one thinks this is therapy as helpful as it is

People need to say what they want when they ask questions but I guess sometimes we ourselves don't know what we want.

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I think it's a given that many posts here are about personal sensitive issues. I also believe it's nearly universal that few of us welcome criticism, condescension and smugness at our expense

I think advice--is complicated, and easily can be a disguise for self-congratulations, superiority and demeaning. If I give advice, the onus of me to do so out of generosity, not from my own deficiencies. If I set off another person's defensiveness, that indicates I've failed, delivering the advice poorly or with a dishonest, selfish agenda. If I need to lash at and brand someone who refuses my "wisdom," maybe I'm not so honest and not so wise.

I agree and I have probably been guilty of this myself. I want to be more compassionate and kind and caring.

Me too!

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I try very hard not to give advice, only my own experience. If I write something that causes someone pain, no matter where that pain is coming from, I am comfortable withdrawing my response, because, I am not wanting to cause them more pain.

Also, I have requested help with how to post better, and I am still waiting, but I also know because of this thread I may never get that response, because there are quite a few others in the same boat as me.

ETA: When I speak about sensitivity I was not speaking about the original poster I was speaking of those who respond to the post. Sorry I was not clear about that. English is not my first language. I understand the OP is usually posting because of an issue that may have them in a quandary.

Your post breaks my heart.

Quote from Partless, "Your post breaks my heart."

Thank you for responding.

I just wanted to say I am fine with all that what is. I said what I said as a statement of fact for me, not because I feel bad. My ex therapist worked with me on how to keep my emotional-self well if I choose to go on forums.

Also, I want to let you know I always enjoy reading your post and your gift for writing.

therapyworked4me, thank you, I appreciate it.

I had felt sad reading your post, especially parts about not getting thanked and then removing your post or "I am quite aware that my type of therapy and my opinions are not very popular," or " I am used to having my threads removed...." Made me sad cause it made me feel like you don't get much support even in a support forum when you're trying to help and when you have best of intentions.

It's unfortunate that a group that is more likely to understand one's pain is also the same group that is likely to feel most offended by innocent and well-intentioned comments, and read something into them that was never intended. I guess sometimes a hand extended as sign of care and support can look threatening to one whose wounds are fresh and finds the hand too close for comfort. So the hand gets slapped away!

p.s. btw, you're too kind and I wish I had a gift for writing, but luckily I do have a different sort of gift, one for misspellings and bad grammar.

This thread almost perfectly illustrates the double standard I keep mentioning in this forum. Those of us who do try to offer what we perceive as support and actual suggestions (there's a nail in your head, you could try taking it out to fix your headache), get profusely criticized and diagnosed as grandiose, smug, self congratulatory, etc. We are both diagnosed and told how we should act. People assign motives to us, like we are semi-deliberately antagonizing, or whatever. I have been attacked on a personal level in threads and when I respond to try to explain what I meant, my response is deleted as a violation of the community standard that disagreements should be resolved in private, but the attack on me is left up on the thread, even when I ask that it be removed.

THIS is the kind of thing that I think really sucks about this forum and the reason I often debate whether to not to continue. It really does perpetuate my childhood experience of never having my experience or my feelings be important, and having to withdraw and not participate in most discussions for fear of constantly being told how I feel or think is wrong. In this forum, as in my life, I have basically withdrawn from interacting with anyone except a small group.

I also noticed that irony in this thread.

I just carry on being me. Posting as I do. I'm powerless over how others perceive my posts/intentions.

So true. It's the way I feel about that whole trigger thing they want us to do. We are supposed to be able to predict what might trigger someone else? Heck, I can barely predict what will trigger myself much less anyone else. People have to take some responsibility for their own reactions/triggers/responses to other people's comments. Unless a poster is being blatantly abusive in their manner of posting (which doesn't happen very often), most people post the best they can based on their own experience and knowledge. They may hit or miss the mark with any particular poster at any given time based on what a member is personally thinking and feeling at that moment. We can do what we can, but at some point, the reaction to a given response is ultimately only in the power of the person who has that reaction.

There are some posters whose posts I don't usually even read because I just find myself getting annoyed at them. It's not helping me or them by going there.

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I am reminded of this Stephen Crane poem:

Once there came a man
Who said,
"Range me all men of the world in rows."
And instantly
There was terrific clamour among the people
Against being ranged in rows.
There was a loud quarrel, world-wide.
It endured for ages;
And blood was shed
By those who would not stand in rows,
And by those who pined to stand in rows.
Eventually, the man went to death, weeping.
And those who staid in bloody scuffle
Knew not the great simplicity.

True! .

I agree. There are posters who I do not read at all. There are also posters I simply do not read in certain types of threads. I think this is where the ignore thing comes in too.