[scallion5]

Hi all,

After a long time of feeling dissatisfied with therapy - trying to raise it and feeling like T and I are just not on same page - I decided to reach out to an experienced clinician and see if she's taking new clients.

I talk to her tomorrow. I think I'm seeking something between a second opinion and a possible new therapist. I feel a little odd talking to her while not having terminated with my current T. But, I'm not there yet.

Have any of you had similar experiences trying to switch Ts?

Do you have any advice on questions to ask?

I am a little concerned already because she's been emailing a lot outside work hours. I kind of fear that she won't be able to keep boundaries strong if she's already disclosed something about how her brother-in-law fell ill and so she's been dealing with an unpredictable schedule. Part of me felt like she was treating me like a human being, again, though...[unlike my present T who says enough to be vague and mysterious (e.g., "Sorry I have to cancel an appointment, I'm at the hospital. I will reschedule soon." leaving me to worry and hold that ambiguous piece of information for a week...)]

I honestly want a T who is going to listen to where I want to go in life and help me get there, and maybe have treatment plan. I asked my current T about a plan and he said "the plan is that we talk about it."

I'm just sick of the pat answers and it always being on me. I feel like I'm carrying the entire therapy on my shoulders now, in addition to my problems, and it just hurts more and more and feels more and more hopeless.

I hope that the person I speak to tomorrow at least understands that I'm not just bashing him, but really just...something isn't working.

I'm not sure how to seek this second opinion, exactly. I guess asking her for an initial consultation/second opinion?

Yes, she was treating you like a human being. I would be happy for that. You are the second person ithat I've heard complain about when someone shoots off an email. I am sorry, I just don't understand. In many cultures this is not an issue. IMHO, when someone does their work should not concern us, unless it impinges on our rights. That she is gracious enough to respond at all and in a timely manner is a huge plus in my book. And, what is "lots" of emails 3-4', 9-10? If it took 3-5 emails to figure out a meeting time, because of an emergency in her life you might look at it as her caring about the people in her life, in addition to caring about the people that are or may become her clients. Good luck?

[guilloche]

Hi Scallion - Good luck with the consult, I really hope that it goes well for you!

I'm not sure what to ask, honestly. I think you should just lay your cards out on the table, so to speak, and explain the current situation and what's not working, and tell her you were hoping for some feedback. Honestly, I know I mentioned this before, it sounds like you've got some dissociative stuff going on, and that your current doesn't really have the right tools to handle it (and that's exactly what scares me about my T, by the way!)

It might really just be as simple as personality and fit though, and that you need someone more directive with a different style? And hopefully, if this T isn't it, she can help you find someone who is.

I know you saw my other post, so you know... it sucks that it's so hard to find a good T-match! And it's hard to know sometimes if our current Ts are "good enough" (I don't think we need perfect, but just "good enough" to get us where we need to be). It sounds like you gave your current T a good, long trial, but he's not a good enough match for you. It's great that you're figuring that out and able to move on, rather than continuing to bang your head against the wall!

I really hope it works out for you! Good luck!!!

(Oh and I wouldn't worry yet about her disclosure about her brother-in-law. It sounds very human, and like it wasn't an inappropriate level of disclosure? It was enough for you to know what was going on, but not a long, drawn-out story with all the gory details, or hopefully with the T talking about all the stress and pressure she's been under? That might be a bit too much for me but hopefully that's not what's happening here!?)

Night!

[ragsnfeathers]

Hi Scallion,
A couple months ago I left my T of 3 years and found a new T who works better for me. I never asked for a consultation so I don't have experience with what to ask, but I want to affirm that changing T's when you aren't making progress can help tremendously. I thought for a long time that I wasn't giving therapy enough time to work, that the problem was with me, that I was unfixable, but the right fit really can make all the difference.

Good luck tomorrow!

Emailing outside work hours is fine with me. It means she's not distracted with that sort of thing while seeing clients during the day.

As for questions to ask...have you been able to articulate why this current therapist isn't working? (He's the one with the baby on the way, right?) If it has to do with "fit" you will get a good sense for that just by how she interacts with you, so I wouldn't worry too much about specific questions unless there is something that's a make or break deal for you. If you want someone who's more open and forthcoming (without making sessions about her), you might ask how transparent she is about herself, as well as her therapeutic approach.

In my case, I did not want short-term goal-based therapy, so I made that clear and asked if she did long term therapy. Someone else on here said it wasn't a good idea to ask that, but it didn't bother this therapist at all. All of that is to say that if you've got complicated issues and are needing someone who's in it for the long haul, that might be something to gauge.

Basically, though, I would present what you did in your original post above, letting her know the session is somewhere between a consultation and new therapist interview.

And...good luck!

[AllHeart]

Feel free to just ask her what her boundaries are on topics that may be of concern to you -- self-disclosure, touch, out-of-session contact, etc. I wish I would have thought to ask about some of my T's boundaries ahead of time. It would have spared me a lot of confusion.

emailing outside work hours is normal. actually its a good thing; shows you they care more in a way.

[thepeaceisinthegrey]

Originally Posted by therapyworked4me

Yes, she was treating you like a human being. I would be happy for that. You are the second person ithat I've heard complain about when someone shoots off an email. I am sorry, I just don't understand. In many cultures this is not an issue. IMHO, when someone does their work should not concern us, unless it impinges on our rights. That she is gracious enough to respond at all and in a timely manner is a huge plus in my book. And, what is "lots" of emails 3-4', 9-10? If it took 3-5 emails to figure out a meeting time, because of an emergency in her life you might look at it as her caring about the people in her life, in addition to caring about the people that are or may become her clients. Good luck?

Thank you SO much for this! I have seen the complaints about email times and I also just do not understand it. I thought it was just me.

[stopdog]

I have met with over 30 of them while still seeing the first one. I explained I was just checking things out - I never had any of them object. If any had objected, I simply would have crossed them off my list and gone on. I actually believe it should be more common to see other therapists than it seems to be.