[ThisWayOut]

(sorry this is so long and whiney... no expectation to read or reaspond, though it's greatly appreciated. I just need to share my thoughts somewhere)

I know I probably should ask my T this, but not really sure I want to.

I'm struggling with the concept of this up-coming cross-country move. While it has always been in the plans, the circumstances of how it is materializing are really stressful.

I see my current T specifically for csa stuff. We actually started to get somewhere before this housing stress came to a head. Now I feel like I can't concentrate on anything. I'm not sure i want to waste my session with current T on the moving stresses, and honestly, I'm not sure she'd be able to be helpful with it (I kinda need a bit more support that she is able to offer). I'd prefer to keep trying to focus on the csa with her. It's there anyway, so might as well address it with someone who knows what she's doing...

I know the agency policy is to not "duplicate" services. I understand why that is and am ok with that on the level of dealing with the trauma stuff. But I also really need to deal with this other huge stress. Should I ask T if she can help me with both? Or would it be more beneficial to try to find someone who can be a little more "hands on" and availble with this other stuff and continue to just see T for the csa stuff? Because I'm moving, working with a new T would only be short-term.

I don't even know what I would be really looking for out of the additional services other than help to keep functioning on a day-to-day basis. My depression has hit super-hard, but I have not told T too much about it. I don't want to give her reason to totally take the focus off the trauma work. I also get that I'm really disconnected from it all, and not making real progress anyway with it (yes, I know that trauma work shouldn't be happening at this point and all the reasons why. I'm also being really stubborn around pushing through because I never get anywhere with it. Something always comes up to stall it - either a crisis of my own creation because it's intimidating to work on, or something like this where I have less control over it. I can't emotionally afford to stall it anymore).

My worries in asking her either for more support, or help finding more support, are that she will completely refer me out and I lose the one person I kinda trust right now. I also don't want to bug her more than I have to. She had said that sometimes additional support is needed, but she also later mentioned that she wants me at a point where I don't rely on her. To me that means that I need to shut up and figure **** out on my own, or go looking elsewhere for help. She knew that I was leaving in 2 months at the point she mentioned it...

I keep meaning to go in and talk to her about this stuff, but my defenses kick in and I'm all "hey, I'm totally fine. no worries. nothing wrong, no stress, functioning great". In reality, the only reason I'm up and showered is because I was seeing her - need to keep up appearances. I'm trying the whole "fake it till you make it" but it's hard. Most of the stuff I'm doing is in a highly dissociated state. It doesn't actually accomplish anything but allowing people to think I'm doing ok.

I'm not on meds, nor do I ever want to go back on them, so my options are really, really limited. I'm not in a space to get myself moving on the meaningful behavioral interventions. I have limited social support in this area... and I'm just so tired. I can't talk to T about that either though. I know I'm walling myself off from any and all support with this but I'm not sure how to find a middle-ground on it. I really *shou;d* know how to do all this on my own by now. I *should* be able to function without someone there prodding me to do it. I just don't have the mental energy

[PinkFlamingo99]

Is there any way you could get some help from a social worker or something like that? My new one keeps asking me to accept more help like that and let her find me a social worker or at least help with my house. Here it would be free, but I'm in Canada and followed by the psych hospital, but maybe it would be available to you too? I have worked with one in the past and she was really easy to talk to as well (MSW).

[ThisWayOut]

I dunno if there's anything like that in this region... I could ask my T, but that would mean admitting all this to her... :/
On the outside, I look totally ok and functioning. I can talk a really good talk. My professional side takes over, and no one can see that I'm just not functioning... I don't know how to drop that mask.

[ThisWayOut]

Feel like an ***... called t asking to check in. Was so hoping to get through the weekend without bugging her. Hope she's not mad... hope she doesn't hate me trying to do this without falling into crisis. I should know how to deal by now.

U have a lot going on. Totally understand the fake it until u make it. Im so good at it, too. Just not sure when the 'make it' part kicks in! Could u make a regular additional weekly appointment until u move? Just the move could fill a session. I just did it and that was just across town!

[thepeaceisinthegrey]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I know the agency policy is to not "duplicate" services. I understand why that is and am ok with that on the level of dealing with the trauma stuff. But I also really need to deal with this other huge stress. Should I ask T if she can help me with both? Or would it be more beneficial to try to find someone who can be a little more "hands on" and availble with this other stuff and continue to just see T for the csa stuff? Because I'm moving, working with a new T would only be short-term.

I'm a little confused...what exactly does "duplicate services" mean???

I am so sorry you are struggling so much right now. I KNOW how stressful a huge move is on top of everything else we have to deal with.

I think you should reach out to your T and let her know exactly what is going on and ask for the additional support! Is there a reason why she can't help you with everything?

Sending big hugs your way!

[ThisWayOut]

"duplicate services" would be me also seeing an individual T elsewhere...

kinda let t in on some of it yesterday, and she offered additional support this week, but I cancelled that appointment. I felt guilty about wasting so much of her time...

[thepeaceisinthegrey]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

"duplicate services" would be me also seeing an individual T elsewhere...

kinda let t in on some of it yesterday, and she offered additional support this week, but I cancelled that appointment. I felt guilty about wasting so much of her time...

Ohhh ok. I understand now. Not sure that is fair though.

Oh my goodness!!! You are NOT wasting her time!! The fact alone that she offered means she really wants to help you!! I know it's easier said then done but you should not feel guilty! You deserve the support! Is there any way you can get that extra appointment back?

[ThisWayOut]

I probably could if I asked, but I don't want to ask... don't think I'm in a place right now to accept that I may be worth the extra effort.

I kinda understand about the duplicate services though. They are a community agency with limited resources. If I could find and afford a trauma T elsewhere, I should probably be making use of that rahter than the free services offered by the county... That's another reason I feel so guilty taking up more of her time. I know they often have a 6-month waiting list for services. If I'm taking up 2 time slots, that's another person's services I'm taking over. Other people deserve the help too...

[ThisWayOut]

checked in with T today. I was feeling better because I got sleep last night (finally). I had asked her over message if there were any additional resources, so we addressed/clarified that a bit. I don't want to lose her as a T so close to moving (which is also suddenly aligning with a bunch of anniversaries that all fall on the same date in the begnning of July). We were trying to figure out some way of gaining structure & support without it necessarily being in the therapy realm. She said she was meeting with her supervisor later today and would ask then.
I also told her I didn't want to do anything that would make me lose her as a support before the move. She didn't say anything :/ Does that mean I've screwed up? ****... I shouldn't have said anything about anything.

[scorpiosis37]

I don't know if this would be affordable to you, but if you're looking for more practical help to supplement your therapy, you could try a life coach. They tend to help with more of the day to day stuff, and then it wouldn't duplicate services with your T.

[ThisWayOut]

what exactly do life coaches do?

[scorpiosis37]

It really depends on what you need. You can talk to them much like a therapist if you just want emotional support, or they can do practical things like help you make a to-do list, help you look up moving companies, help you organize stuff, help you make phone calls, etc.

[thepeaceisinthegrey]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

checked in with T today. I was feeling better because I got sleep last night (finally). I had asked her over message if there were any additional resources, so we addressed/clarified that a bit. I don't want to lose her as a T so close to moving (which is also suddenly aligning with a bunch of anniversaries that all fall on the same date in the begnning of July). We were trying to figure out some way of gaining structure & support without it necessarily being in the therapy realm. She said she was meeting with her supervisor later today and would ask then.
I also told her I didn't want to do anything that would make me lose her as a support before the move. She didn't say anything :/ Does that mean I've screwed up? ****... I shouldn't have said anything about anything.

First, I am glad you got some sleep! I know what a big deal a good night's sleep is.

Second, I don't think you screwed up at all! You have a right to speak your mind and I'm proud of you for telling her how you feel. Is it possible she didn't hear you about not wanting to lose her before the move?

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by thepeaceisinthegrey

First, I am glad you got some sleep! I know what a big deal a good night's sleep is.

Second, I don't think you screwed up at all! You have a right to speak your mind and I'm proud of you for telling her how you feel. Is it possible she didn't hear you about not wanting to lose her before the move?

Thanks.

She heard me because she acknowledged it with "Mmmm..." o_O

:shrugs:

I hope my next appointment isn't her telling me I need to find services elsewhere.