[Soccer mom]

Six months ago I was terminated by ex-T who felt my transference was harming me more than helping. Really, she had no idea how to handle it and I am now finding out she was emotionally abusive.

My new T is awesome and the complete opposite of ex-T. It's taking awhile to get used to someone else but she has met me where I am and knows what I need before I have to ask for it. There really is nothing I would change.

I find myself still thinking a lot about ex-T and missing her. I live in a small town so I see her car/office/husband often which makes it difficult to get her out of my mind. I want to get to a place where she barely comes to mind or at least doesn't stay there.

Why would I miss someone who treated me badly when I have an awesome T now? T says it's because I had a traumatic bond with ex-T. Just curious if anyone else has experienced this as it seems very irrational.

[Favorite Jeans]

I have. I have a thing for narcissistic emotionally volatile women with anger issues. I mean, what could be more attractive, really? There have been many people in my life who were not good to me but with whom I've shared a very intense bond.

I can absolutely relate. T1 was at the centre of everything for me for at least 8 months after I stopped seeing him, even though current T has been so much better for me in every way.
Then, 14 months after quitting T1, and just as I was getting to a place where I didn't think about him so constantly or want to see him anymore, he contacted me out of the blue and sent all those emotions flying into the air again. So I can understand it must be hard to move forward with constant reminders of her around town.
Keep up the good work in therapy, it will help moving forward. I think the difficulty moving on serves to illustrate the devastating impact of poor therapy.

[wheeler]

I definitely get what your saying, and I don't understand it for myself either. I believe i loved/love my old T very much, but her actions crushed me. And even though I feel safe with new t, or at least safer, I still miss and crave exT. Not sure where all this will lead to but I'm confident that both you and I will be better off in the long run.

[Bunnymahoney]

Hi – I don’t usually post, but I am kind of in the same position as you right now. Ex-therapist abandoned me a while before it happened to you, at a time that I needed more support, not less. She also blamed and shamed me, twisted my words and my story, shouted and got angry with me (because she was “exasperated by me”!), incorrectly “diagnosed” me (I know this for certain having been assessed by the mental health team and despite her not being qualified to make such a diagnosis) and then kicked me out despite my “fragile state” and difficult circumstances at the time, telling me I needed specialist support. She did say if she continued to see me it could be considered abusive (this was after her persuading me to come back and re-start therapy after a rupture AND asking me to commit to come back in the future when something specific was likely to come up). All a bit f*****d up.

I did get a GP referral to the NHS mental health team, but you have to wait for that. She terminated me via email, while I was in crisis, with no offer of a final session (though I got that in the end) with a link to a basic, free NHS online support service – so much for specialist support! The least she could have done was help with a proper referral.

She lives up the road from me and I see her around regularly, though usually from a distance. I have bumped into her a few times and, despite us agreeing to acknowledge one another, she won’t even look at me. One time we almost walked into each other – she looked like she had seen a ghost (as I probably did), and then she turned away from me while I was looking right at her. It is very difficult let go of what happened when you not only see her all the time, but when you do she pretends you don’t exist.

Anyway, since then I have been seeing another therapist, who is pretty awesome. She understands my situation, where it has come from and why. It is a completely different experience this time, and I am feeling so much better. I completely trust that she will not give up on me...maybe this is a secure attachment (a possible first for me ). Previous therapist asked me to trust her and eventually I did, despite having an insecure attachment and a fair amount of MT. I ended up leaving that therapy worse than when I started and could have cost me my relationship. Current therapist has PROVED to me that I can trust her, but it doesn’t stop me wishing my previous therapy ended differently.

It often feels like I miss my previous therapist, but I actually think it is more about longing for a resolution over a situation in which I was damaged and for which she would accept no responsibility. She even told me she had done everything right. I, my GP, mental health assessor and current therapist beg to differ…

So I also have an awesome therapist, but I struggle with irrational thoughts over wanting resolution with previous, not so awesome, therapist. I re-read my first para, however, and I wonder why I would ever want to lays eyes on her again!

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Bunnymahoney

Hi – I don’t usually post, but I am kind of in the same position as you right now. Ex-therapist abandoned me a while before it happened to you, at a time that I needed more support, not less. She also blamed and shamed me, twisted my words and my story, shouted and got angry with me (because she was “exasperated by me”!), incorrectly “diagnosed” me (I know this for certain having been assessed by the mental health team and despite her not being qualified to make such a diagnosis) and then kicked me out despite my “fragile state” and difficult circumstances at the time, telling me I needed specialist support. She did say if she continued to see me it could be considered abusive (this was after her persuading me to come back and re-start therapy after a rupture AND asking me to commit to come back in the future when something specific was likely to come up). All a bit f*****d up.

I did get a GP referral to the NHS mental health team, but you have to wait for that. She terminated me via email, while I was in crisis, with no offer of a final session (though I got that in the end) with a link to a basic, free NHS online support service – so much for specialist support! The least she could have done was help with a proper referral.

She lives up the road from me and I see her around regularly, though usually from a distance. I have bumped into her a few times and, despite us agreeing to acknowledge one another, she won’t even look at me. One time we almost walked into each other – she looked like she had seen a ghost (as I probably did), and then she turned away from me while I was looking right at her. It is very difficult let go of what happened when you not only see her all the time, but when you do she pretends you don’t exist.

Anyway, since then I have been seeing another therapist, who is pretty awesome. She understands my situation, where it has come from and why. It is a completely different experience this time, and I am feeling so much better. I completely trust that she will not give up on me...maybe this is a secure attachment (a possible first for me ). Previous therapist asked me to trust her and eventually I did, despite having an insecure attachment and a fair amount of MT. I ended up leaving that therapy worse than when I started and could have cost me my relationship. Current therapist has PROVED to me that I can trust her, but it doesn’t stop me wishing my previous therapy ended differently.

It often feels like I miss my previous therapist, but I actually think it is more about longing for a resolution over a situation in which I was damaged and for which she would accept no responsibility. She even told me she had done everything right. I, my GP, mental health assessor and current therapist beg to differ…

So I also have an awesome therapist, but I struggle with irrational thoughts over wanting resolution with previous, not so awesome, therapist. I re-read my first para, however, and I wonder why I would ever want to lays eyes on her again!

Wow, our situations do sound similar! I'm sorry you had to go through it. I also have a co-worker who sees my ex-T (one reason for my termination is my reaction to her accepting her as a patient). I like your part about longing for a resolution. I can identify with that and it seems more of what I want. I had major anxiety seeing ex-T and none with current T. I know all the ways she hurt me so I wouldn't want to go back. She blamed everything on my transference. I had a very hard time talking about my feelings and she said it was due to that. Yet I have the same issue with current T with very little transference. I also know my ex-T didn't like me questioning her but I kept catching her contradicting herself. Ugh, what a mess...

[Bunnymahoney]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Wow, our situations do sound similar! I'm sorry you had to go through it. I also have a co-worker who sees my ex-T (one reason for my termination is my reaction to her accepting her as a patient). I like your part about longing for a resolution. I can identify with that and it seems more of what I want. I had major anxiety seeing ex-T and none with current T. I know all the ways she hurt me so I wouldn't want to go back. She blamed everything on my transference. I had a very hard time talking about my feelings and she said it was due to that. Yet I have the same issue with current T with very little transference. I also know my ex-T didn't like me questioning her but I kept catching her contradicting herself. Ugh, what a mess...

I freaked when I thought somebody I knew might be seeing previous therapist, though it turns out they weren't. I would have been mighty peed off if she saw somebody I knew if she knew I had major issue with it.

My previous therapist didn’t react well to being questioned either. Blaming transference and taking no responsibility is such a cop out. Jeez...regulate your own CT...

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Bunnymahoney

I freaked when I thought somebody I knew might be seeing previous therapist, though it turns out they weren't. I would have been mighty peed off if she saw somebody I knew if she knew I had major issue with it.

My previous therapist didn’t react well to being questioned either. Blaming transference and taking no responsibility is such a cop out. Jeez...regulate your own CT...

I never asked her to stop seeing my co-worker. I asked how to deal with it because I work right next to this woman and we confide in each other. She felt I invaded her privacy (hers and the coworker's) when I saw the session on my coworker's public work calendar to which we all have access. I also noticed she scheduled my coworker a day she told me she was closed. She was forcing me to space my sessions so I caught her in the lie which I think actually bothered her more. I was trying to tell her about my irrational thoughts and how I didn't want any of it to bother me. She didn't even try to help. My new T totally understands and said she won't see any of my co-workers.
Now that I think about it, ex-T made me feel bad for having some of my feelings instead of trying to understand and help me through them. B....

[Bunnymahoney]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I never asked her to stop seeing my co-worker. I asked how to deal with it because I work right next to this woman and we confide in each other. She felt I invaded her privacy (hers and the coworker's) when I saw the session on my coworker's public work calendar to which we all have access. I also noticed she scheduled my coworker a day she told me she was closed. She was forcing me to space my sessions so I caught her in the lie which I think actually bothered her more. I was trying to tell her about my irrational thoughts and how I didn't want any of it to bother me. She didn't even try to help. My new T totally understands and said she won't see any of my co-workers.
Now that I think about it, ex-T made me feel bad for having some of my feelings instead of trying to understand and help me through them. B....

What? That’s awful…both the lie and the privacy BS – especially as you were only asking for coping strategies. I wonder what was making her so defensive – sounds like she needs more of her own therapy and some introspection.

Mine actually did something similar. We had a disagreement, I won’t bore you with the details but she was inconsistent with something we were discussing. One week she said one thing that made me feel accepted and secure, the next week she kind of said the opposite and made me feel rejected. When I explained how it made me feel (I accepted that it may just be a perceived inconsistency), she went off on one. She was really angry! She said I was attacking her and her practice. I was like, WTF?? I had conceded that it may just be perceived on my part, and I was expecting her to understand why it made me feel like that and help work through it, not attack me for feeling that way.

It sounds to me like we are both better out of it with our respective ex-therapists, and we know it. The problem is this longing for resolution, especially when seeing them is a constant reminder of what they did, and their lack of any acceptance of responsibility. I’m sure the work with my current therapist, and time, will help.

[precaryous]

Soccer mom
"I find myself still thinking a lot about ex-T and missing her. I live in a small town so I see her car/office/husband often which makes it difficult to get her out of my mind. I want to get to a place where she barely comes to mind or at least doesn't stay there.

Why would I miss someone who treated me badly when I have an awesome T now? T says it's because I had a traumatic bond with ex-T. Just curious if anyone else has experienced this as it seems very irrational."


That has to be tough- living in a small town where you run in to her from time to time.

Maybe you miss her, in part, because the relationship feels unresolved. You shared an intimacy with her for six months...She filled a need.

Do you feel you miss the relationship you wish you had? (I have felt that way about ex-husband...but realized I missed the marriage I wished I had...not the marriage it turned out to be.)

Also, I'm curious, do you have problems feeling angry with her?

Yes, I have a relationship similar to yours with a previous Pdoc. He was charismatic...he seemed to bring the sun into the room with him. He was engaging, funny, a rascal. Most of his female patients loved him. But his boundaries were terrible. He was damaging, really.

I haven't seen him for years...and found out he was indicted by the DEA for selling prescriptions. Apparently, he would hang around a gym and write prescriptions for $. Two of his patients OD'd and died. He is in prison. I wasn't aware of any of this behavior when I knew him....and I still have problems feeling angry with him for some of the things he did with me. My feelings remain very conflicted.

Anyway, I wanted to write to him but figured I'd need a PO Box address....no telling what he would do. T told me whenever I feel like contacting him...to let her know first! Contacting him would not be a good idea.

I can relate too, I am stuck in a place where I am so attached to my t even though she is so abusive that I can't even think about leaving her yet!
I am sorry that your t was so abusive and the more you post I think that you are slowly working through this in your own time and your own pace! There is no race to get over someone and it's very painful to acknowledge that you are letting them go but I would like to think it would be worth it
I hope your current t will be the safe attachment you need to heal

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I totally understand. I still have no idea why i get so upset over the t that dumped me out of nowhere 8 years ago. She was a jerk. I dont know why i waste time thinking of her.

Hi Soccer Mom,

I've been following your posts for a while, and recently started contributing to the forum.

Firstly, I think you are incredible. Your situation with your therapist sounded so difficult, for so long, that I'm not sure how you stuck it out. You were loyal to her, and trusted her, even though you were suffering and could have run away from the intensity. You were also amazingly honest and vulnerable with her, in a way I don't think I could be. It seems tragic that your therapist wasn't skilled enough to help.

I think it's normal to take a while to feel better. Your therapeutic relationship souring and the termination afterwards sounds awful and traumatic, and not something you can quickly move on from. One person can't just step in and replace another, no matter how great the new person is.

Be gentle and patient with yourself, and try to see how strong you are! I admire you very much!