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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: US
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#1
When I was talking to my T last session about feeling attracted to her, and how I get scared when she looks good because it reminds of the popular kids at school who didn't have anything to do with me, she asked: " Can't I be attractive AND nice? Then she said " I think I am".
It seems a little conceited for someone to admit they are attractive. Or is that just confidence? I admire my T for being confident about her appearance. I wish I felt that way about myself. I'm jealous of her. I don't think I used the word attractive in my session. You can be attracted to someone who is not attractive, can't you? But T said that she is attractive! The point is that good looks and niceness can exist together, and I got that. What she said still bothers me, though! |
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Member
Member Since Feb 2014
Location: Neverland
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#2
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![]() Why do you think it bothers you? |
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underdog is here
Member Since Sep 2011
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#3
I don't think it is conceited. I think a lot of people present themselves in a way they consider to be attractive - and the therapist was simply acknowledging it. I think women far too often absorb a message that thinking well of themselves is wrong and bad and conceited and so forth. And sometimes it is so ingrained that when another woman does not act as though she has absorbed such damaging messages, it can be threatening and something others try to squash. Women do get to be confident and think well of their appearance and their abilities.
I think if you are attracted to someone - then you do find them attractive in some sense. __________________ Please NO @ Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. |
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Magnate
Member Since Aug 2014
Location: US
Posts: 2,202
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#4
I think you can call yourself attractive without being conceited. You seem to really analyze everything T says to you and pick at it. Why is that? Why would it bother you if she was asking why she couldn't be attractive AND nice?
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Member
Member Since May 2013
Location: USA
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#5
Would it bother you if she told you that she was intelligent? Or highly accomplished? Or a good singer? Or a great artist? Or is it just calling herself attractive that bothers you?
For that matter, would it bother you if I told you I was attractive? Or just your T? |
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#6
It's called self-confidence, Rainbow; it isn't conceit.
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2013
Location: In my head
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#7
I could not be attracted to someone who isn't attractive. But attractiveness, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. There is no objective standard for what or who is attractive. Self-confidence can be a very attractive quality.
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#8
I think (and this is based on ME only of course) that it can be difficult to NOT think someone is conceited who considers themselves attractive, because until this current time in my life I never had the slightest bit of self-esteem and perceived that anything else was conceit, only because I had no inkling of what it was to love yourself in a healthy way. I don't know if that makes any sense at all but I tried.
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: US
Posts: 13,284
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#9
Because I'm jealous! I want to be able to say I'm attractive but I'd have to be thinner and wear makeup so I don't think it's gonna happen.
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These answers are different from what I expected. Thank you. Quote:
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Middle of Nowhere
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#10
No, I find it refreshing.
![]() ![]() I think you can be atractive even with some extra pounds, without makeup... Not everybody has to look the same, Western society induced way to be able to like themselves. The more I like/know some person the more I consider them to be attractive (man of woman alike). I know it sounds like a total cliché but that's the way it works with me (and i doubt I am the only one ![]() |
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Pandita-in-training
Member Since Sep 2006
Location: Maryland
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#11
I think what we find "attractive" is a personal thing and you find T attractive and T finds T attractive but you each may mean different things or find different things that attract you? I think your T was addressing that you compared your view of attraction to negatives in what you saw with popular girls in school and that's not very attractive? :-)
Like "nice", "attractive" is not really a useful word because it is so generic and squishy. But one can take advantage of that by seeing its squishiness and exploring the broad range like you are doing? You see shallow, petty high school girls and your T sees herself, how interesting? What would the world be like if you saw yourself as attractive? __________________ "Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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#12
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Also, maybe your therapist was saying "you think I'm attractive - I think I'm nice." Or maybe it bothers you when someone claims a positive quality for themselves? If it does, I don't know that that's necessarily bad. If you have been brought up to think that people should be modest and not make those claims for themselves, maybe that's why it bothered you. Only you know why it bothered you - or can discover why if you don't know. I was just imagining how I'd feel if my therapist said the same thing. I think it might bother me a little, to be honest. It would feel like she was shifting the emphasis to herself too much. It has more to do with the therapist/client relationship than with any problem I have with women who think they are attractive. I think that self-confidence in one's appearance is an extremely positive trait. For one thing, it frees up lots of energy that would otherwise be spent on worrying and anxiety about "How do I look?" and "How do people think I look?" |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Middle of Nowhere
Posts: 1,806
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#13
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Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2014
Location: Over there
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#14
I have the same self body image that you do. The only difference is I realize I do have a choice. So now I am making healthier food choices which is allowing me to lose weight. Some days I do wear makeup. It literally takes me one minute to put some on. I hear about these people who spend an hour putting on makeup. Idk if they are constructing a new face or what but it's crazy. You have a choice. If you want to change the first thing to do is accept that you are not happy with your body image now and realize this does not always have to be the case. You have a choice. First step: accepting that you are unhappy with where you are at right now. Step two: understanding you have a choice to change. It should be your choice, no one else should be influencing this. Step three: making a plan to help you achieve your goal. Step four: let go of all the excuses and work on achieving your goal ( in a healthy manner ). Idk how much you have to lose but celebrate little successes along the way.
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#15
I wonder if it triggers the other feelings you may have toward T? The feelings where it's not about her being attractive and nice. But the parts that feel monstrous?
Faced with those we desperately trying to get back the feelings that make us feel good?? |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
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#16
I kind of see where your feelings come from
Associating good looks with danger and niceness with average looks. I can't explain now, too early in the morning but perhaps some stereotype is in place.... Well first of all I am often attracted to people who aren't particularly attractive physically speaking. Attraction comes from within for me . Height weight and hair color don't mean anything. And looks fade. So you can be attracted to her regardless Second of all I see no problem with people saying they are attractive. I was raised in a culture where you don't suppose to praise yourself. I believe though it does people no good and I find no shame saying that I am attractive, and if someone asks I have no issues just saying that. It is damn true! Lol Now am I drop dead gorgeous NO Lol but darn good looking lol in fact I think most if not all people are attractive one way or the other! I see no issue saying that I am nice either lol it is ok to be honest as long as we remain humble Yes people could be nice and attractive. Most people are nice and most are attractive in at least some sense. I do see though why you feel how you feel. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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#17
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Magnate
Member Since Aug 2014
Location: US
Posts: 2,202
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#18
The funny thing is I wrote about my T setting me the challenge to say something nice about myself and it was tough, yet so many people here on PC encouraged me to come up with something I like about me. It seems if T likes something about herself she may be called conceited. This is definitely a good avenue to explore, especially the jealousy.
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Poohbah
Member Since Jul 2011
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#19
I completely agree that this is a great example of women internalizing a message that to find herself attractive, smart, or really anything positive is not acceptable. Or if she does, that she much under no circumstances assert that opinion. And any other woman who does so is doing the wrong thing.
This also reminds me, though, of other threads you've started wondering how to get some of the good feelings you get when someone else compliments your art without relying on other people. It does seem to me that the way you were raised has really sabotaged your ability to find satisfaction and gain confidence from within. (That's something I've personally struggled with -- although oddly, even though I was raised not to boast about my achievements, I also got in trouble from my mother because all my report cards as a child highlighted problems with self-confidence. So I was neither humble enough nor confident enough. I really couldn't win.) It is possible to talk about one's strengths in a way that can feel hurtful to others... sometimes that means someone is stepping over the line. I don't see that happening here, though. I see T making a statement that isn't even really about her -- it's about how you perceive her -- and your reaction to it is one that's going to be really important hash out. It's like when I get slightly annoyed when friends on Facebook who had babies around the same time I did start posting about how much weight they lost or how many times they ran last week. Sure, some of them do it in an obnoxious way, which is not really cool, but others really are just posting because they're happy with themselves and feeling good. *I* feel jealous and annoyed because *I* want to lose more weight, and get more exercise. That's on me. __________________ Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. |
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#20
It does sound conceited, but I don't think she IS conceited. We (society) mostly frown on women who say they are attractive. Crazy, I think. We're supposed to look as attractive as possible, but no one can admit it or they're conceited. (I am NOT chastising you at all.)
I know I am generalizing and this of course does not apply to everyone. |
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