[InRealLife45]

I wish I could extract the bad parts of myself and put them into an empty vessel. The fear. The mistrust. The excessive anxiety. Most of all the Wall. The wall that I built to protect myself but in reality have trapped myself inside of, with no escape hatch. I can’t get out and no one else can get in.

I can never do this again. This experience with my T; the initial mistrust, the slow letting down of my guard, the belief that her love was real, was genuine, and so answering her knock at my door, letting her in just a bit, only to have her see what was behind the door and retreat, fleeing at high speed, slamming the door behind her.

And so the wall went up again, higher than ever before, to the point that I can’t get it down again, not even sometimes, not even temporarily. It’s a permanent shroud, a protection-prison. I can’t get out, I can’t let anyone in. So I can’t heal. It’s akin to being burned over my entire body, and soothing the injury with an oil based salve, trapping the heat under the skin where it continues to burn, burn, burn, burn until there is nothing left, until the injury is too severe and Death comes to release because there is no other freedom.



​

[Leah123]

It seems like that now, because you're remaining entangled with her. I hope you'll give yourself the opportunity soon to see what a relief and calm and hope you can feel once you've moved on. Healing takes space and time, but it's definitely possible! A little distance from this situation will let you gain more perspective and peace, it's hard to be our best, to be clear-headed in the middle of a dysfunctional relationship, no matter who it's with.

[Leah123]

Just for context, I had a therapist somewhat like this when I was 16-18. I left in terrible confusion, really torn. It was pretty excruciating for a while, but I came out so much stronger and clearer once I was free of her.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I'm going through this now too. But you know what? Maybe group therapy is a good medium. It's less intense.

I'm actually in therapy with someone new now and it's terrifying. I keep wanting to run screaming. Are you followed by a decent pdoc? The only thing that got me through was switching meds.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

I'm going through this now too. But you know what? Maybe group therapy is a good medium. It's less intense.

I'm actually in therapy with someone new now and it's terrifying. I keep wanting to run screaming. Are you followed by a decent pdoc? The only thing that got me through was switching meds.

Crap pdoc. County. They don't pay you any attention. But I stay bc my housing assistance is linked to services there

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[precaryous]

Hi Irl,

Curious- what did you do for support before this T?

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Hi Irl,

Curious- what did you do for support before this T?

...in and out of the hospital on a pretty regular basis. Week or two every few months. Lot of hotlines.

[Restin]

The hurt that you feel really touches a sore place deep inside me, too. I went through what you describe when I was very ill mentally. I realized later that her treachery was from incompetence combined with the old psychoanalysis methods that are now known to be wrong for severe illness.

I thought up every kind of revenge you could imagine..I finally hated her to death in my mind...didn't see how she could know how much separation anxiety I suffered on-going and then sock it to me anyway. I know you're in the mire of the pain and anger, but I just want to say that finding another therapist is what did work for me eventually. This kind of suffering is just too much to carry through life without anyone to talk to that speaks the therapy language.

[divine1966]

I am sorry you are suffering. No One needs to live in such pain. I wish you immediately stopped seeing this t.

I don't know much about Meds but maybe something needs to get adjusted with medications

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[precaryous]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

...in and out of the hospital on a pretty regular basis. Week or two every few months. Lot of hotlines.

((IRL))

Was she your first outpatient T?

[musinglizzy]

I feel the same way IRL. I just don't think I'm meant for therapy. With my attachment issues and all. Causes more hurt than help....

[JustShakey]

I think you are IRL. You just haven't found the right T yet. This T probably gave plenty of warning signals in the beginning - indicators that she is not right for you, but like many of us here you probably learned early to disregard your instincts. Starting over will be hard, but I think you can do it. Sharing what you've posted here with a new T, whenever you do get one, would be a good place to start.
The other thing is - the squeaky wheel gets the grease, can you bug county to give you referrals? Call your pdocs office daily if necessary. Don't mind your T, she's already proven her uselessness, but connect with all your other resources and see if they can offer you solutions. Do it repeatedly if necessary. How about calling the office of that T who was going to take you on and then backed out? Maybe they might be able to direct you elsewhere?

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by precaryous

((IRL))


Was she your first outpatient T?

No. Just my first with my disability insurance.

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[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

I think you are IRL. You just haven't found the right T yet. This T probably gave plenty of warning signals in the beginning - indicators that she is not right for you, but like many of us here you probably learned early to disregard your instincts. Starting over will be hard, but I think you can do it. Sharing what you've posted here with a new T, whenever you do get one, would be a good place to start.
The other thing is - the squeaky wheel gets the grease, can you bug county to give you referrals? Call your pdocs office daily if necessary. Don't mind your T, she's already proven her uselessness, but connect with all your other resources and see if they can offer you solutions. Do it repeatedly if necessary. How about calling the office of that T who was going to take you on and then backed out? Maybe they might be able to direct you elsewhere?

County office has a list of Drs. on a paper in the lobby with t's I've already called.

The t who changed her mind about me have me a referral sheet to discount clinics and therapy with unlicensed interns.

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[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

County office has a list of Drs. on a paper in the lobby with t's I've already called.

The t who changed her mind about me have me a referral sheet to discount clinics and therapy with unlicensed interns.

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Call 'em again. Something might have changed, you never know. And call your pdoc's office and any other contacts in county just in case. Explain to them what's going on, you never know what they might be able to do to help you.
Have you called the clinics the other T's office gave you? I'd give the unlicensed interns a try - you don't have to open up to them fully, just get some support to get you over this hump. And working with those clinics might give you an 'in' somewhere. You never know where help might come from, don't discount any options

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

I wish I could extract the bad parts of myself and put them into an empty vessel. The fear. The mistrust. The excessive anxiety. Most of all the Wall. The wall that I built to protect myself but in reality have trapped myself inside of, with no escape hatch. I can’t get out and no one else can get in.

I can never do this again. This experience with my T; the initial mistrust, the slow letting down of my guard, the belief that her love was real, was genuine, and so answering her knock at my door, letting her in just a bit, only to have her see what was behind the door and retreat, fleeing at high speed, slamming the door behind her.

And so the wall went up again, higher than ever before, to the point that I can’t get it down again, not even sometimes, not even temporarily. It’s a permanent shroud, a protection-prison. I can’t get out, I can’t let anyone in. So I can’t heal. It’s akin to being burned over my entire body, and soothing the injury with an oil based salve, trapping the heat under the skin where it continues to burn, burn, burn, burn until there is nothing left, until the injury is too severe and Death comes to release because there is no other freedom. ​

Maybe you let yourself become too vulnerable when you let your therapist in. Maybe you expected too much. Do you know what your expectations are? If so are they healthy (realistic) or self-destructive?

If you chose to remain in your protection-prison for the rest of your life, it won't be very fulfilling. Playing it safe seems to have that effect. Sometimes we have to put ourselves in a vulnerable position to move forward.

Apparently therapy isn't always an appropriate treatment. Some people are just not suited for it. Maybe you are not ready. Perhaps you need time away so you can look inside yourself instead of seeking the answers externally. You seem to have a strong will to fight and survive even though you struggle with suicidal thoughts.

Your schooling can help you with your journey and personal growth. When you do your readings do you see yourself in them? If so this can be an opportunity to learn about your issues and explore them.

[divine1966]

Maybe there are people in your life you can open to? Like a relative? Or are there books that could help? It is really bizarre that in civilized world there is no one to help suffering person? If you tell Pdoc how you feel wouldn't he have to do something????? Is your disability based on mental illness or something else? If MI then how can Pdoc not help? Does he know how you feel and does he suggest to continue therapy? Maybe your Meds don't work? I just don't understand how in
The modern civilized world there is no way to improve someone's mental health. What a nightmare. So sorry

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