[sbells]

Hi, I'm just after some advice/opinions/other points of view on this. I'm having 'mother' issues with my T. She is everything I wish my mother had been, she is the same age as my mother and is a very 'motherly' type person. The problem I have is that seeing her is just a constant reminder of what I missed out on all these years and what I am still missing out on and what I know I will never have.

So my question is, should I stop seeing her because of this? This never used to bother me until I started seeing her and now I just feel like it is hurting me more by getting a glimpse of what I will never have. I'm just not sure it is worth it? I spend a lot of my time thinking about this issue and it bothers me a lot. I feel like everything else is on hold while I try to deal with this. She knows I have some issues around this - though I've not told her how much it affects me.

[Love Your Suit]

Originally Posted by sbells

Hi, I'm just after some advice/opinions/other points of view on this. I'm having 'mother' issues with my T. She is everything I wish my mother had been, she is the same age as my mother and is a very 'motherly' type person. The problem I have is that seeing her is just a constant reminder of what I missed out on all these years and what I am still missing out on and what I know I will never have.

So my question is, should I stop seeing her because of this? This never used to bother me until I started seeing her and now I just feel like it is hurting me more by getting a glimpse of what I will never have. I'm just not sure it is worth it? I spend a lot of my time thinking about this issue and it bothers me a lot. I feel like everything else is on hold while I try to deal with this. She knows I have some issues around this - though I've not told her how much it affects me.

Mine is like 8yrs my senior. IF you can compartmentalize, the hour that you are getting something out of, makes you feel good, then no. I sorta, view mine the same.

Have you talked about his with your therapist? Sounds like good fodder for discussion.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Have you talked about his with your therapist? Sounds like good fodder for discussion.

I agree with Lola, I'd definitely try talking about it with your T. Most likely, she's had a client experience this before--maternal transference. I have a bit of it for my T and have talked with her a little about it. I also have some "erotic transference" (romantic feelings) as well as paternal transference for my marriage counselor. Eventually talking with him about it helped me. It's scary, but I think it's worth it, especially since you're considering that you should stop seeing her. She could probably help you through it.

Until we know what it is we should have had, we cannot begin to repair it.
The knowing is part of the whole therapeutic process.

I worked through that with my t.... it took me forever to even be able to admit to myself, let alone to HER, that I experienced her as the "perfect mother that I wished I'd had but didn't get". We talked about it a lot.... even before I was able to admit to her that's what I was seeing her as.... she knew! I sorta slid into the admission sideways by saying I experienced her as my grandmother too, who was more a mother to me than my mom was.... she told me one time when we were talking about it that she would be whatever I needed her to be to work through stuff.... I probably worded that wrong... but talking about it with her, although not easy by any means, was the only way I was able to work through it. Each time I blurted out one more level of this stuff, I expected her to recoil or be shocked or say "no no no" or something but she never did. She accepted it all, helped me talk through it, helped me feel through it, and eventually resolve it.... I see her now as "just" t, and that sounded kinda mean when I told her that, so I followed it up with "a very talented and caring t, but just my t." She seemed to really appreciate that part.

[WrkNPrgress]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Until we know what it is we should have had, we cannot begin to repair it.
The knowing is part of the whole therapeutic process.

This.

What you're experiencing is called Transference and thought it can be bothersome, or even upsetting, it can be very useful and helpful in the therapeutic process. Some analyst consider it a vital component of therapy.

I would suggest you talk about it with your T.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I am going through this right now. The best thing I did was tell my t about it. I can't recommend enough to talk to your t. Yes it's hard but I think dealing with these feelings alone is harder. If she is a good t she will help you through it and help you to understand why you have these feelings. Best of luck to you.

[precaryous]

Yes, talk to her about this. She can help you work through it.

This is how it's going for me-

I got my courage up and told her I view her as sort of a parent/mother. I asked her if she ever felt like a mother to me....sometimes? ....and she said:

"I completely understand this feeling and I am honored to be in that role for you.
I think of myself and you as equal adults. And, yes, among the feelings I have are protective and caring ones."

So then I asked:

"Ok, you are saying you will let me depend on you and care about you? So, if I felt love for you- that comes from a young part-that it is welcome and part of the plan? You not only accept these feelings...but they are desired...as part of a plan to help me?"

And her face got all welcoming and she said, "Yes, that's the plan."

My T is the mother/teacher/sister that my mother, alone, could never be.

Yeah, try to talk about it.

With my old therapist I had a brief period of time where I sort of wished he could be my father, but then I realized he seemed harsh and not so good with his own kids. (Just from the way he talked about them.) That killed the "father" wish thing.