[granite1]

this is a entry in my t journal for my T I hope she will accept it and believe that I am sorry and that I do understand.

I know that I am wasting your time ant I truly did not mean to threaten you in any way. I really am not angry at you at all. I don't understand how I gave you that impression but I am not. you have done nothing for me to be angry at. I know that my behaviors have consequences, and that I messed up big time again by calling you. I wanted to say I do understand you being so angry and I know you had every right to be. I know I completely suck at this ,but I really do try really hard not to trample all over your boundaries because I do know there are consequences . I don't know why I was such a coward and ran out Tuesday. again I know that was not fair to you. you had every right to be able to express how you felt. I know that it was a totally selfish act on my part and all I can say is that I am really sorry. I don't know how to fix any of what I did . I wish I could .I just seem to keep screwing things up over and over. its like im on auto pilot saying and doing anything to mess things up. it isn't ok . I just wanted you to know that even though I was a complete coward by leaving Tuesday that you didn't waste your time . I get it and should be saying thank you .

I don't want it to sound like I am blaming her for anything . I know I was behaving badly

[RedSun]

Oh Granite

[unaluna]

You sound like you are cowering in the corner. It feels like there is something - or someone? you? - missing.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by hankster

You sound like you are cowering in the corner. It feels like there is something - or someone? you? - missing.

this isn't good either

[AllHeart]

I wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself, Granite. You are allowed to show yourself some compassion you know. You deserve it!

Your note doesn't sound like you are blaming her at all. I don't know what happened in that room, but, I would be willing to say that your T is at least part to blame. This isn't all you.

Even though I think you are being too hard on yourself, I think you have written a great, heartfelt note. You mention at the end that you get it and should be saying thank you. Would you consider adding to your note what it is you get and to actual say thank you. It might be beneficial and rewarding for both you and your T to highlight your progress. Just a thought.

Blessings to you!!

My guess is you are interpretting anger from your T again when that isn't what is going on. She may have just been trying to get you to see your pattern of assuming anger and wanting to run, but that isn't the same as being angry with you. Yes, she may be frustrated; she may be frustated for you is my guess and wants as badly for you to get past your fears so you can move forward.

I don't think she was telling you that you were threatening HER, but that you were using leaving therapy/her as a threat (really to yourself quite honestly). It is a pattern some people get into -- wanting to run rather than risk the other person running first. She knows that and may be calling you on it, but that doesn't necessarily translate into her being angry with you.

Again, you seem to be jumping to your default assumption that people are angry with you and that is a terrible crime and you feel you should be ashamed of that. 1. I suspect she isn't angry with you at all; frustrated for you maybe, but angry AT you I doubt. 2. I don't think she felt threatened BY you; she did hear you threatening to leave and abandon therapy because you are scared, but that isn't the same as her feeling theatened BY you. 3. It is OKAY to be angry. I don't think she would honestly have a problem with that, but she would probably challenge you to examine who it is that you are really angry with; Is she really that person? or is she the safe target of that anger? 4. I don't think you need to apologize. I think you can just safely return to your next session and honestly talk about what triggered you to feel you needed to run. She has always listened and heard and understood without anger (even when you were convinced she was angry).

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

4. I don't think you need to apologize. I think you can just safely return to your next session and honestly talk about what triggered you to feel you needed to run. She has always listened and heard and understood without anger (even when you were convinced she was angry).

Brilliant post as always. But there is also a brilliant post underneath your cowering one, granite. Youve amazed us so many times. This post was pinks reply. But what is reds? (Or vice versa - sorry if i got them switched!)

[stopdog]

I don't think there is any reason to apologize. The entry is not bad - just I would not find an apology to be in order.

[Restin]

I would just go to the session. No re-hashing, no apologizing...just go. Strong emotions: anger, rage, guilt, sadness, fear, and more, are all the substances therapists specialize in. Just let it flow.