[WrkNPrgress]

Ok. I've decided to do a flow chart or a kind of thought log to help myself process my Transference. I thought I'd share for discussion.

First, I listed off as many fantasies, thoughts, dreams, assumptions, etc. about the therapist I could think of. This includes everything from elaborate daydreams, to basic little moments in sessions that have for some reason caught my imagination AND or any projections and assumptions and projections I have about this person.

For example:

• Projection: The day T exhaled deeply in mid-sentence and I feared that I was annoying her.
• Memory: One day I saw T out with family and I assumed x,y,z about the situation.
• Fantasy: I find T on side of an isolated road with car broken down. I stop to help out while we wait for the tow truck.

I listed off any reoccurring themes in these thoughts: "Rescue fantasy", "out-of-office location", "family members present/missing", "deep conversation", "humor", "angst", sex or no sex. etc. For example, The car broken down is a rescue fantasy that is rewarding because I imagine us making a brief connection in some out-of-office space that somehow forges a special moment beyond client/therapist formula.

I tried to explore what function of this particular fantasy, dream, etc served.: Self-soothing? Catharsis? Sexuality and exploration, clarifying my own emotions about a subject? Practice to speak about something specific? e.g., The car fantasy is self-soothing and lets me see myself as a helper, competent, and connected. It's also serves the 'rescuer' role.

Then I tried to hone in on what those elements really represent and I really came down to the same stuff over and over again, no matter what the fantasy or thought pattern was. Usually these boil down to feeling the need or lack of....

• self-agency,
• feeling a sense of competence,
• personal validation,
• safety

.... as found in...

• personal connection,
• feeling 'unique' to the other person
• concepts of what makes a "true connection" with someone else.

Then I connected these desires with missing elements from my childhood, as much as I could from general feelings to specific incidents. e.g., that day I showed my Mom a drawing and she seemed more interested in her t.v. show than my achievement. She didn't understand or see ME.

Which is another basic role of this whole process ...being SEEN and Well, of course this is what a therapist does right?

[Soccer mom]

Great work! Do you plan to share it with her? In detail?

I've done similar work but haven't gotten as detailed I don't think. I can totally relate to your projection though! I went through MONTHS of watching her like a hawk and commenting. It drove us both crazy but I had to voice it and be told it was NOT that.

I also totally assume x,y,z about times I see her or her family. I see her family the most which can be difficult. I don't seem to have any fantasies per se. Maybe just hanging out with her talking but nothing situationally specific.

She has picked up on my need for validation and reassurance. This definitely stems from my childhood and my mom's emotional neglect. I also have a deep desire for her to repeatedly tell me she cares about me. She won't do it and is trying to get me to see it through her actions since my mom's actions did not show those things.

I also recently realized I want her to like me. If she likes me, then she'll care about me. I found myself liking a shirt in the store and wondering if she would like it. It drove me crazy. I thought all the way home why do I care what she would think?? I don't care what anyone else thinks. I then realized if she liked what I wore or my taste in something, then she would like/accept me. I didn't always feel accepted by my mom.

[unaluna]

I love this! I brought my t a bag of steel cut oats. It took me a looooooong time to analyze what it meant! Seems like a trivial incident, but it has the elements you list - being recognized, connecting, having an effect on someone. My first reaction was, if t likes these so much, why arent we getting married? Which sounds kinda ridic, but isnt that what many of us say about here we are sharing so intimately with our ts, why isnt this real? Anyway, now i have worked thru it, sharing food is no big deal now. It IS real.

[Ellahmae]

Originally Posted by hankster

I love this! I brought my t a bag of steel cut oats. It took me a looooooong time to analyze what it meant! Seems like a trivial incident, but it has the elements you list - being recognized, connecting, having an effect on someone. My first reaction was, if t likes these so much, why arent we getting married? Which sounds kinda ridic, but isnt that what many of us say about here we are sharing so intimately with our ts, why isnt this real? Anyway, now i have worked thru it, sharing food is no big deal now. It IS real.

That. I love that - IT IS REAL.

That is some great work right there WrkNPrgress!

[nervous puppy]

WOW. I'm in awe of all the work you did on that and so very thankful that you shared it with us. I don't think I would have ever thought to do that, only because I didn't want to admit that I had those thoughts.
I used to have the same "rescue" fantasies and conversations in my head, just like you said. I can't put words to the revelation you just gave me.

[pbutton]

Wow lots of great stuff here. It gave me a lot to think about too. Thanks for posting

[AncientMelody]

Excellent therapy work. My therapy doesn't involve transference, but I do this type of writing/work a lot with my symptoms.

[peaches100]

That is so awesome! Is there any way you could post the flowchart? Or is it too personal? I'd like to see how it looks. . .

[ameliaxxx]

I may use this for myself! This is perfect

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[WrkNPrgress]

Thanks everyone.

Originally Posted by peaches100

That is so awesome! Is there any way you could post the flowchart? Or is it too personal? I'd like to see how it looks. . .

I dont' have a complete outline, really. I'm kind of building it as I think of things. The main idea is here with a couple of examples. You could probably insert you're own ideas too.

[WrkNPrgress]

I think I've made a basic step by step to break it down: I'd be interested to see if this works for anyone else.

First, I start off by writing out the basic observation or fantasy, etc. Then I list off any associations, feelings etc. that surround it. On paper, I dont' make a list as much as I just let it free flow. I might circle one and point it to another. Like, if I wrote "embarrassed" I might circle that and point to say, "sex", "shame", or some other thought. etc. I write anything that comes to mind around this idea. This is kind of brain storming.

Then I try to organize it all but asking these questions ( don't have to answer them in order as one might help you answer another.):

• [1]Is this a memory or an observation about an actual incident, or a imagined scenario or fantasy, or a dream?
  
  [2]How does it make me feel?
  
  [3]Can I identify any basic elements and/or reoccorring themes?
  
  [4]What projections or assumption might I be making?
  
  [5]Does the basic theme or specific incident remind me of anything from my childhood, or any other issues or incidents in your life?
  
  [6]Referring back to the 'feelings', I ask what function does it serve? What need/desire does it answer.ie. What is it really about?
  
  [7]Then... What does this tell me that I missing or needing and how does that relate to my ongoing issues?

[ameliaxxx]

I'm gonna start doing that and show it to my therapist. Since next Wednesday is my last session with her until she comes back from vacation for 5 weeks! I'm gonna try to tell her everything I haven't told her in that session.. Hopefully I actually make myself do it.

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[WrkNPrgress]

So here's another example: A dream about my therapist.

1) Dream:
I was in a superstore pharmacy ordering some meds, but then I found myself in the back staff room doing a HUGE pile of laundry. From a hallway door in the back of this room, I saw my T walk into the room, see me, then duck back out, seemingly irritated.
I felt embarrassed. She came back out again and approached me and asked what I was doing there, like it was some kind of weird boundary thing. I realized it was her workplace and she was working there part time or something, and I was doing her laundry in the break room. We went into the back hallway to talk about it, and ended up making out.

2)Feelings: curious, shamed, aroused, embarrassed, amused.

3) Basic elements & themes: Care-taking, Mom, illness, anxiety, sexuality, work obligations.

4) projections or assumptions: All of a dream is a kind of projection no? I'll just say in the dream, it felt like I was taking on the T's 'dirty laundry' against her own wishes, which kind of assumes she can't do her own.
I assumed she was irritated with me.

5) Associations: The store reminded me of my Mom's pharmacy but the size and fluorescent lights was like my first job at a superstore.
I met my first girl-crush and sort of realized my sexuality at my first job.
A job is a place of responsibility, obligation. It also defines character and a sense of competence.
Laundry is a thing I often associate with relationships. In my past relationship, my Ex would hate me doing her laundry because she always had delicates that could shrink. So.. there's something about trying to help and feeling inadequate there.
I also realized after I woke up that my T was wearing a tired old shirt that was not like her normal style. I laughed out loud when I realized it was my Mom's.

6/7) I was actually quite turned on when I woke up but I had to laugh at all the maternal symbols in my dream. My therapist once reminded me once that "other" people in our dreams are really parts of our own identity speaking to us.
"Dream T" was very much an internalized maternal figure. I am still care-taking "her" stuff but then the T in my dream took me out of the shaming situation... Sexuality in dreams just seems like a soothing function, so... "She" rescued me. from my anxieties around illness and soothed my shame ...
I think..

[Restin]

I definitely will use the rescue fantasy about the car broke down! That is so cool, and has so many, many potentials to the imagining of it! Also, I want to add that, tho many clients don't need a deep transference, and don't need a lot of time and work on it, some of us, like yourself, need a full transference experience to get well.
We were not given, from the very start, the basic caring and recognition every child needs as a basis for learning to love and feel. When intimacy was never experienced with mom, a child grows into an adult who doesn't have a clue what intimacy means, or how it feels. So, the therapist provides the caring words and looks that will build what never was. I'm at this stage, too. It feels so new and foreign, but so good. Imagining all those many scenes with T actually "rewires" your brain to provide and grow the healthy relations you missed. At least, this is what I'm reading in the articles on- line that describe how therapy is done nowadays for us with deep emotional deprivation. The greatest part is how the therapist knows all about this and approves, and guides in the re-nurturing that is healing.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by WrkNPrgress

I think I've made a basic step by step to break it down: I'd be interested to see if this works for anyone else.

First, I start off by writing out the basic observation or fantasy, etc. Then I list off any associations, feelings etc. that surround it. On paper, I dont' make a list as much as I just let it free flow. I might circle one and point it to another. Like, if I wrote "embarrassed" I might circle that and point to say, "sex", "shame", or some other thought. etc. I write anything that comes to mind around this idea. This is kind of brain storming.

Then I try to organize it all but asking these questions ( don't have to answer them in order as one might help you answer another.):

• 
  [1]Is this a memory or an observation about an actual incident, or a imagined scenario or fantasy, or a dream?
  
  [2]How does it make me feel?
  
  [3]Can I identify any basic elements and/or reoccorring themes?
  
  [4]What projections or assumption might I be making?
  
  [5]Does the basic theme or specific incident remind me of anything from my childhood, or any other issues or incidents in your life?
  
  [6]Referring back to the 'feelings', I ask what function does it serve? What need/desire does it answer.ie. What is it really about?
  
  [7]Then... What does this tell me that I missing or needing and how does that relate to my ongoing issues?

#6 definitely helps me and seems to lead to the others questions. i just did this with a feeling I had a few weeks ago and it all boiled down to wanting to make sure she likes me. And, I realized it's been a theme but I hadn't narrowed it down to that.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by WrkNPrgress

So here's another example: A dream about my therapist.

1) Dream:
I was in a superstore pharmacy ordering some meds, but then I found myself in the back staff room doing a HUGE pile of laundry. From a hallway door in the back of this room, I saw my T walk into the room, see me, then duck back out, seemingly irritated.
I felt embarrassed. She came back out again and approached me and asked what I was doing there, like it was some kind of weird boundary thing. I realized it was her workplace and she was working there part time or something, and I was doing her laundry in the break room. We went into the back hallway to talk about it, and ended up making out.

2)Feelings: curious, shamed, aroused, embarrassed, amused.

3) Basic elements & themes: Care-taking, Mom, illness, anxiety, sexuality, work obligations.

4) projections or assumptions: All of a dream is a kind of projection no? I'll just say in the dream, it felt like I was taking on the T's 'dirty laundry' against her own wishes, which kind of assumes she can't do her own.
I assumed she was irritated with me.

5) Associations: The store reminded me of my Mom's pharmacy but the size and fluorescent lights was like my first job at a superstore.
I met my first girl-crush and sort of realized my sexuality at my first job.
A job is a place of responsibility, obligation. It also defines character and a sense of competence.
Laundry is a thing I often associate with relationships. In my past relationship, my Ex would hate me doing her laundry because she always had delicates that could shrink. So.. there's something about trying to help and feeling inadequate there.
I also realized after I woke up that my T was wearing a tired old shirt that was not like her normal style. I laughed out loud when I realized it was my Mom's.

6/7) I was actually quite turned on when I woke up but I had to laugh at all the maternal symbols in my dream. My therapist once reminded me once that "other" people in our dreams are really parts of our own identity speaking to us.
"Dream T" was very much an internalized maternal figure. I am still care-taking "her" stuff but then the T in my dream took me out of the shaming situation... Sexuality in dreams just seems like a soothing function, so... "She" rescued me. from my anxieties around illness and soothed my shame ...
I think..

Wow! Great job! I can't get as deep as you do.