taking makes me feel bad

So my t said she can order a guided imagery tape for me....and I just asked her for the name of the catalogue, said I can order it myself....

I come home and I think to myself...hey, t'would be nice to receive something from her....kind of like a transitional object....so maybe I will ask her next time I see her...if she can order it for me.....

But then I get overtaken by this feeling of self-hatred....I'm gross, I don't want to be seen by her.....

I'm trying to make sense out of this self-hate feeling that comes up when I 'take' something 'good' from her.

Any helpful insights?

I need more... What do you mean by "I can't be seen by her?" I am just trying to figure out how this connects to receiving something from her. Have you ever "gotten" something in the past that someone told you they were "giving" you that made you feel ashamed? Is it hard to translate something that is truely good into knowing that you deserve this thing? It still makes you feel gross. What do you think? I want you to feel rich. Knowing you deserve to have good things. And being able to hold onto them.

''I don't want to be seen by her'' = shame. In receiving something I feel vulnerable, naked, ashamed. I can't put my finger on it....why I feel this way....

With my ex it was the same way....if we had s-x at night....the next morn I'd be so ashamed of him....I would like to make the connection, to have it 'click' in my mind...y'know...I want the insight....what's behind my feelings of shame, nakedness.....groping in the dark here....

Anything I take on my own...doesn't make me feel bad....but if someone gives it to me...kind of like my neediness makes me feel shame...or my iduno what....still groping....sigh

Hello withit.
I am sorry you are feeling so conflicted at this time. It is hard at times to want help when you have been diagnosed with a disorder. Being diagnosed is a loss in itself to have to get through, but it is okay to accept the help you need from a therapist that is wanting to help you. I think asking the therapist to order the tape for you is a very good advancement for you, to trust the therapist enough to follow through with what they say they will do. Working SLOWLY through your self esteem issues is also a good idea. Your therapist should have very good suggestions for you in this area to help you move forward with your life. I hope the best for you in the future. Take care and good day. Soidhonia

Withit,

I can understand how you may feel. I would also feel vulnerable and showing our vulnerability is very difficult. I think you should let her know how you feel if you can. It doesn't mean you have to take the tapes, just that you are letting her know.

Hugs.

There's a lot of images that come to me when I accept something; greediness (what if my enjoyment is so much I keep asking and embarrass myself by asking for too much?); the person just feels sorry for me; I now owe the other person (like old fashioned cocktail parties where you have to invite those who invited you to theirs) and I'm not sure what I have to "give" that's good enough, maybe I didn't quite understand (in your case I'd think she was paying for them when she might mean for me to pay once she got them for me, etc.) and will be embarrassed in the end in some way.

Thank you all for responding...

Perna, I find your selection of images (and the explanations in parentheses) quite helpful. "clicks' for me...what if my enjoyment is 'too much'....and what do I have to 'give' that's good enough....and I now owe the other person....

Is there such a thing as 'unconditional receiving'? Meaning, I can take freely and the other person does not expect anything in return?

With my previous t, one time I was upset about a session she had canceled, and she said something to the effect of, ''think of all the good I've given you....why are you focusing on the one negative thing....'' I felt a deep sense of shame then.... I am now cautious about taking from my new t, because she may one day tell me, ''I've given you so much...don't be upset over the one time I've disappointed you''..... It's safer not to take....than have the 'taking' be used against me later on.....

This may be nothing... but...

You spoke of not wanting to see your T or being embarrassed and you also spoke of "shame on your husband" I think... or something like that that makes me want to ask .... you have shame for having sex or having your T buy you something and do not wish for her to see you.

Do you still like your T or feel shame for her for wishing to fulfill a need in you.... ?

You are deserviing of these things...(assuming you enjoyed your husband)

Was this any pattern in your past of feeling shame for asking what you felt you needed?

I think that there is such a thing as unconditional receiving though I think there are so many of us that feel guilty of doing that. If only we can accept it without strings and enjoy it. I feel more comfortable giving without expecting anything rather than receiving something without something to reciprocate with. Ultimately it would be nice if we could do either without expectations and simply enjoy the experience. Easier said that done.

Your previous T is a prime example of the experience of trying to stand up for yourself and being guilted.

Sorry..... I can relate in many ways Withit.

Withit, It does seem to be all about feeling that we are worth of pleasure, worthy of other peoples kindness. I know I hate to take anything, I'm afraid they will snatch it back? or insult me for having got pleasure from something. I'm not worthy comes to mind.

I know for me it stems from my adoptive mother, she would give with one hand but then make sure that emotionally she took it back. Everything she done she did for her. Even in adopting me she would tell me what a good deed she had done to have "taken me on" I guess thats how I struggle with taking today.