[Chummy]

So, today I had a session with T. After session I sat in the waiting room filling in some paper. I tried to do it fast, so I would be gone when T would come out for the next client. I was just too late. The next person was an older woman, over 40. T greeted her with a cheery voice asking "tea?". This made me so... I think angry. But also feelings of sadness and a worthless feeling. Mostly angry and irritated. I felt mad at her. Immidiately I started thinking you don't care about me, I'm not important, I must be your least favorite person. I want to quit. Next session I want to say "**** you I quit. I don't want any therapy from you again".
I don't know what this is. I also felt jealousy. I know I have felt jealous before, but this. I've been seeing her for about 3 years, with a break of 1,5 years. I havent seen her with other patients often. Of course I know she had many, but I havent seen her interact with them.
And today...it made me so angry. I had a difficult (EMDR) session. That also brought some feelings/memories of feeling not important, feeling worthless. Seeing her with this woman. I wonder if she knows things about T. If they have small talk. I don't have that. My social anxiety still bothers me, I'm afraid to ask her questions. I want to know things about her. I know I can't know much personal things about her. But I wonder so much how she is with other patients. I hate myself so much. I'm just not important to anyone. I know I'm just her patient. When I'm done I won't see her again. That's fine. I don't know. Maybe I feel to much attachment to her? I just feel so much right now and I want to yell at her and then quit therapy.
I hate myself so much right now. I feel hate for her. And I have never felt that for her. I've never been mad at her. Maybe I don't always like what she said and maybe I have been irritated by her a few times. But i've never felt anything close to this. I've never wanted to quit because I disliked something about her.

Possible trigger:

I want to kill myself. I won't do it. But I so want to be dead.

I don't know what this is. I felt so much anger towards her.

I wrote this on my why home. Now I'm home, I calmed down a but. I don't feel so much anger. I'm a little confused about my feelings. I don't want to go see her next week. I don't want to tell her all my personal things. Things I don't tell to anyone else. It's like ''I;m not going to tell you anything. You can try, but I won't tell you anything''. It's a bit childish behaviour, I know. I have a hard time thrusting people. It took a long time to trust her, to talk to to her. And now I feel like there's something.. I don't know. Like I want to shut her out. I'm not sure.

Don't know if this matters: she'd only a few years older than me. And she'd a really good T. I like her. I don't have good experiences with previous T's. I'm now in therapy for severe depression, but the first time it was for social anxiety.

[nicoleflynn]

If she is a good t, she would want to know about your feelings. I think as clients, we like to think/imagine we are the t's ONLY clients; we want to feel important and special, and when we experience an interaction with the t and another client, we feel jealous. All of your feelings are valid....feelings aren't right or wrong they simply...are. I would talk to her about it.

I would talk to her about your feelings too. Like nicoleflynn said feelings aren't right or wrong, they just... are. But talking about them with t can be helpful in resolving them. I never saw any of my t's other clients, but I can imagine that would have been difficult, cuz one time when I went into her waiting room before my appt & I saw her clipboard with an intake form and her business card, I wanted to tear it up and stomp it into the floor shouting "MY t!" Of course I didn't. But that feeling was grist for the mill... and led to a really good discussion about the insecurities that had plagued me my entire life until then. We did a lot of work on that topic... so much so that when she moved out of state and we started phone sessions, when she told me she was now working out of her home, I didn't regress into a painfully jealous little girl. I was quite frankly amazed that I didn't feel jealous of her new clients at all, getting to go to her home. I felt secure in my own t relationship and no one else's mattered. I'm not sure that would have happened that way if we hadn't talked through the feelings when I saw that clipboard that day!

[ruh roh]

I hate running into other clients. There have been lots of times other clients run over or show up extra early. My therapist absolutely does not care, which is the only real issue I have with her. I even make a point of ending right on time and showing up on the minute, but it doesn't prevent run ins. She has 10 minutes between each appt so you would think this could be managed. I've talked to her about it, but she just shrugged.

I understand what you mean, though. They have an on/off switch.

Your anger seems to be more about old stuff than it really is about your therapist. Sounds like important observations to discuss and process. I hope you'll be able to share your reaction with your therapist, understanding she'll recognize that as not really being about her at all but being about your own feelings of insecurity.

I've never had that reaction to other clients and I see them each and every time. Therapists, just like pretty much everyone else, have the ability to have multiple caring relationships that are each very unique in their dynamics. I suspect you know that rationally, but our feelings and our reason don't always match up. I've learned that's the kind of reaction I need to pay most attention to and most definitely need to process.

[Chummy]

I know that my T has more clients. It's just... I don't know. I haven't seen her interact much with other clients. There are at least 15 minutes betweens sessions and my T usually starts and finishes on time.

It could have had to do with old stuff. I haven't had good experiences with previous T. And because I Always was so shy and quiet, I was just left alone. Not only by T's, but also teachers.
I just once want to be more important than someone. I know that can't be with T. T's suppose to treat clients equally. But I saw it happen in previous group therapies. I just want T to like me. I know I can't be anything more than her client, and one day that will end. And that's ok. But right now, I need her. I want her to like me.

Maybe my reaction now is because I feeling so depressed and lonely. Maybe I;m more vunurable right now.

Maybe I should talk to her about this. I find it really hard to talk to her about issues that involves her. Like, I also feel envy towards her. She's so beautiful and skinny and succesful, has a boyfriend and a cute baby girl. She has everything I have not. Which hurts sometimes and makes me sad.
The only thing I have been able to say to her about her was that I think she's a good T.

''Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just... are''. That's also an issue for me. I see my negative feelings often as wrong. Which makes it also harder to talk about. I feel a lot of shame.

Perhaps you felt she wasn't taking care of you like she was this other client. If we grew up not being able to take for granted being cared for, it can be a painful wound.
I think consistency is very important in therapy. If one client is offered something, then all should be.
I'm in private practise. There are no waiting rooms.

I totally understand how you feel. My T has a private practice and you leave through a different door than the one you come in. But I tend to run into the client before me in the restroom. She always seems like she has been crying. I get mad because I haven't let myself cry in front of T and I feel like they share a different bond because she does. It's so weird, but it's how I feel.

[nicoleflynn]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Perhaps you felt she wasn't taking care of you like she was this other client. If we grew up not being able to take for granted being cared for, it can be a painful wound.
I think consistency is very important in therapy. If one client is offered something, then all should be.
I'm in private practise. There are no waiting rooms.

I sent you a PM.

[nicoleflynn]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Perhaps you felt she wasn't taking care of you like she was this other client. If we grew up not being able to take for granted being cared for, it can be a painful wound.
I think consistency is very important in therapy. If one client is offered something, then all should be.
I'm in private practise. There are no waiting rooms.

I sent you a PM.

[LonesomeTonight]

Chummy, I know what you mean. When my individual T told me like a month ago that she hugs some of her clients, all I could think was...but why not me??? I eventually asked and she said it's because I have maternal transference. Which didn't make me feel any better... Especially because I didn't have that at the beginning seeing her, and it's not like she offered hugs then...

Then there's my marriage counselor, who I have strong paternal (and a touch of erotic) transference for. I was talking about him to T the other day, about how I wanted reassurance from him, and she was asking what I meant. She was like, "Do you want to know if you're his favorite patient?" I said "No, and I'm sure I'm not." But I was kind of lying when I said "no." Like, I want to think he likes and cares for me so much and that's the reason he doesn't feel he should meet with me individually. Like he feels too intensely about me (whether paternal or whatever) to think it's appropriate to treat me (though he still treats me and H together). I feel like that sounds kinda pathetic...

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Perhaps you felt she wasn't taking care of you like she was this other client. If we grew up not being able to take for granted being cared for, it can be a painful wound.
I think consistency is very important in therapy. If one client is offered something, then all should be.
I'm in private practise. There are no waiting rooms.

No, it isn't that. She usually ask me if I want to have something to drink, but I always say no. First I was afraid to drink in front of her, and now I just keep saying no to a drink.
But it could be that it reminded me of previous therapies I had when I was a teenager.
It's just this short interaction I saw between them, it looked so casual. And that ''tea?'' it sounded like she glad to see that woman, like there having a tea party.

I've never been to a private practise. With every therapist office I've been to, there was a waiting room. With other T's I was never bothered, but this one. Maybe because I like her so much. Because she's the only one I've been able to trust.
And there's at least 15 minutes between sessions. But this ***** was early. I was making a new appt with T when this woman buzzed the door.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by twistedangel00

I totally understand how you feel. My T has a private practice and you leave through a different door than the one you come in. But I tend to run into the client before me in the restroom. She always seems like she has been crying. I get mad because I haven't let myself cry in front of T and I feel like they share a different bond because she does. It's so weird, but it's how I feel.

I sometimes cry in front of T, but I don't like that I do. There has been a few times that I couldn't stop crying. I just cried behind my hands and couldn't say anything. This makes me think that I irritate T and she would rather see me go.
But once outside nobody can see I've cried.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Chummy, I know what you mean. When my individual T told me like a month ago that she hugs some of her clients, all I could think was...but why not me??? I eventually asked and she said it's because I have maternal transference. Which didn't make me feel any better... Especially because I didn't have that at the beginning seeing her, and it's not like she offered hugs then...

Then there's my marriage counselor, who I have strong paternal (and a touch of erotic) transference for. I was talking about him to T the other day, about how I wanted reassurance from him, and she was asking what I meant. She was like, "Do you want to know if you're his favorite patient?" I said "No, and I'm sure I'm not." But I was kind of lying when I said "no." Like, I want to think he likes and cares for me so much and that's the reason he doesn't feel he should meet with me individually. Like he feels too intensely about me (whether paternal or whatever) to think it's appropriate to treat me (though he still treats me and H together). I feel like that sounds kinda pathetic...

That doesn't sound pathetic.

If I would find out my T would sometimes hug patient, I don't know what I would do. I would probably get very mad and end all contact. Which would be very childish or something from me. But I've been seeing her for a long time. I sometimes wonder if she ever hugs a client. So if I would see that she does... I had many difficult sessions with her, and after some of those I could sure I've needed a hug. And she knows I'm not close to people in my life. I don't have maternal transference for her. But she's the first T I've trusted. I've told her so much personal and embarrassing things. I want her to like me. And a hug would also feel like she does, like she cares.
I remember that when I was in group thereapy, there was this male T where I had some kind of transference for. And one time I heard from a group member that he had hugged another group member. Appearantly she had talked to him about something and it was emotional for her and she cried and then her offered her a hug. This made me so jealous and angry. Especially because one time I was on the Phone and I was crying so much and he had seen me do that. And he didn't ask me about that.

How I would like to know if I'm her favorite patient. But I can't imagine that I am. I cry in front of her, sometimes I shut down and don't say anything for what seems hours, I don't joke around (don't feel comfortable to do that), I don't ask about her (I know I'm not in therapy to talk about her, but last time when I terminated she was pregnant, and I'm actually curious about her baby girl.), I'm difficult, I whine about the same stuff every time, there hasn't been any progress yet, I keep thinking I can't change, I'm hopeless. How can she not dislike me.
She first worked at another T agency, but she changed to another. And I had the choice to stay at that one and get another T, or go with her to her new T agency. Which I did. It's a bit farther away. But I wonder if she regret asking me.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by Chummy

So, today I had a session with T. After session I sat in the waiting room filling in some paper. I tried to do it fast, so I would be gone when T would come out for the next client. I was just too late. The next person was an older woman, over 40. T greeted her with a cheery voice asking "tea?". This made me so... I think angry. But also feelings of sadness and a worthless feeling. Mostly angry and irritated. I felt mad at her. Immidiately I started thinking you don't care about me, I'm not important, I must be your least favorite person. I want to quit. Next session I want to say "**** you I quit. I don't want any therapy from you again".
I don't know what this is. I also felt jealousy. I know I have felt jealous before, but this. I've been seeing her for about 3 years, with a break of 1,5 years. I havent seen her with other patients often. Of course I know she had many, but I havent seen her interact with them.
And today...it made me so angry. I had a difficult (EMDR) session. That also brought some feelings/memories of feeling not important, feeling worthless. Seeing her with this woman. I wonder if she knows things about T. If they have small talk. I don't have that. My social anxiety still bothers me, I'm afraid to ask her questions. I want to know things about her. I know I can't know much personal things about her. But I wonder so much how she is with other patients. I hate myself so much. I'm just not important to anyone. I know I'm just her patient. When I'm done I won't see her again. That's fine. I don't know. Maybe I feel to much attachment to her? I just feel so much right now and I want to yell at her and then quit therapy.
I hate myself so much right now. I feel hate for her. And I have never felt that for her. I've never been mad at her. Maybe I don't always like what she said and maybe I have been irritated by her a few times. But i've never felt anything close to this. I've never wanted to quit because I disliked something about her.

Possible trigger:

I want to kill myself. I won't do it. But I so want to be dead.

I don't know what this is. I felt so much anger towards her.

I wrote this on my why home. Now I'm home, I calmed down a but. I don't feel so much anger. I'm a little confused about my feelings. I don't want to go see her next week. I don't want to tell her all my personal things. Things I don't tell to anyone else. It's like ''I;m not going to tell you anything. You can try, but I won't tell you anything''. It's a bit childish behaviour, I know. I have a hard time thrusting people. It took a long time to trust her, to talk to to her. And now I feel like there's something.. I don't know. Like I want to shut her out. I'm not sure.

Don't know if this matters: she'd only a few years older than me. And she'd a really good T. I like her. I don't have good experiences with previous T's. I'm now in therapy for severe depression, but the first time it was for social anxiety.

This has only happened to me once. I went to my see my current T for the first time last July after years of not seeing her (she had a baby, then a bad illness and then had another baby) and our first session after so much time had passed was really bad. I felt like she wasn't listening to me and she was literally rushing me out of the room and didn't even bother to ask for payment or to schedule another appointment. As I walked out there was her next client and she greeted her so warmly and I could hear them laughing as I was walking away. I was so angry at her for treating me (at the time) like I was wasting her time and she couldn't wait to get rid of me yet she was so happy to see her next client. I emailed her after and I misread the way she was acting and now that I have been seeing her again for a year things are better than ever and I wish we had more time together and I love her in a healthy way.

Now I don't care if I see the next client. I am happy that other people get to have such an awesome T and get to have her caring and attention like I do.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I am happy that other people get to have such an awesome T and get to have her caring and attention like I do.

I hadn't thought about that. Now I feel a bit guilty. I know how it is to have a bad T. I had several in the past. And my T is good and other people deserve to have good treatment too. But I don't want her to be bad to other clients, I just want to be one of her favorite. I just want one persone (beside my parents) to care about me. And I'm just so scared she's tired of me. This short interaction I saw between her and that woman, it made my thoughts about being a burden to her bigger. I've been worried about that for a while. And it's not just with her. It's just a thing in my life. I'm always afraid that people don't like me and don't want me around them.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by Chummy

I hadn't thought about that. Now I feel a bit guilty. I know how it is to have a bad T. I had several in the past. And my T is good and other people deserve to have good treatment too. But I don't want her to be bad to other clients, I just want to be one of her favorite. I just want one persone (beside my parents) to care about me. And I'm just so scared she's tired of me. This short interaction I saw between her and that woman, it made my thoughts about being a burden to her bigger. I've been worried about that for a while. And it's not just with her. It's just a thing in my life. I'm always afraid that people don't like me and don't want me around them.

I know what you mean. I would like to be my T's favorite. Just try to think about how lucky other people are to have her as a T.

[musinglizzy]

I don't really think about other clients. I see them, yes. My T has never had anyone after me with the time slot I have, but she always has someone before me, and I usually see them when they come out. She has some clients she sees singly for a whole hour, because they are clients she may only see once a month, but most of her sessions are 50 minutes. I would venture a guess that I've probably seen close to a dozen of her other clients since I started seeing her over a year ago, but they don't bother me. I know that my time is mine when I'm there.... and that's what matters. If she's thinking about another client during my session, at least I don't know. I'm not bothered by them, but if they somehow intruded on my session, I probably would be. But that's not how therapy works. I know my T sees lots of others, and I don't have this dreamworld vision that I'm her only one.

I think I'm pretty important to her though...she's canceled sessions before, but kept mine, because of the place I was in. So she'd come in specifically for my session. I didn't know that till months later. She also has said I'm just as important as everyone else, and even more important than some. My T and I sometimes have our issues, but I know I'm important to her, she cares a great deal for me, and I'm quite sure if I were to quit, she wouldn't forget about me for awhile. I know I'm supposed to be, but I get the impression that I'm not "just a client" to her. I'm not one to talk like this about myself...so saying this isn't easy for me.... but I think I'm pretty special to her. She shows it. And I believe it.

[Chummy]

That's nice. I sometimes envy people on this forum who have like special stories about their T and them.
I know I'm not treated in a special way.
I think my T is pretty good on boundaries. I don't know. I don't know how she's with others. But that with that woman, it looked so easy and casual. I don't know.

I think my thinking about her with other clients has also to do with my experiences in group therapy I had as a teenager. During group therapy I could see how the T's treated me and other group members. And I would compare that. And I would be often left by myself, because I was so quiet ans shy. ''Easy''. It's everywhere the same, the ones who are the loudest get the most attention.