Another therapist leaving

I don't know what to do anymore. My therapist told me she is leaving. I have just gone through the worst end with my previous therapist. I don't mind so much this one is leaving but it is triggering up a lot and I really don't know what to do or who to talk to. I am trying to rely on family but there is and always has been something wrong in my head and instead of relying on my support system my self harm has escalated. Physically I feel unwell. I should go to my GP and take some responsibility for my health but I don't really see what she'd do. She doesn't ever know what to do, and it is my choice to do this and my problem for the future if something is going wrong inside physically that I don't know about.

I don't know what to do. Two weeks after she told me she was ending and said she'd break confidentiality if I didn't leave the room as she asked and so would tell my family how upset I was (I left as I never mean to cause a fuss) she contacted me asking how I am and then saying if I want to still end she'd close the file but to let her know if I wanted to talk options. I didnt want to end, it felt an end was and ismthe only option. I get upset negotiating, it is scary and i dont like not knowing. I wrote back saying I didn't know what to do, I was having trouble even dealing with writing back as I was upset and apologised for not being able to answer or know what to do next. That was 5 days ago..although it includes the weekend. It is an abandonment all over again. And yes I tell myself endlessly the reasons why she may not reply yet, but part of me cannot be certain she ever will. Even when I was with her she did sometimes and not others and I couldn't figure out why. Now I realise she was likely busy. I know she is probably busy now, but it hurts. I don't know what to do. I guess nothing now?

The other team I'm supposed to see haven't contacted me in 6 weeks. They won't know about this other ending, they wanted me to end anyway and be alone. That is my fault though that they havent contacted me as at the last appt it felt as though the person was angry at me even though I've only met her 2x. I've heard there are other people who find her as mean, and I was really struggling the last time we met so normally I can see her for what she is (a bad professional) but that time it spiralled everything further. I said I'd contact them later but I haven't felt ready to do that yet. HonestlyI don't believe it would be useful to contact them as they are not helpful or even supportive.

I don't know what to do. Nothing seems like the best option. Except that is hard because the screaming doesn't stop so I have to take it on in the self harm. I want to feel settled. I don't do change well, especially being vulnerable with a therapist and then they disappear. It's scary - what are they doing with that part of me? Where have they dumped it? I feel lost and that I don't know who I am

But I'm over-reacting and I need to ride it out. My body hurts. Sometimes I think that's important but others I just keep going as usual, I think who cares. I told my family the therapist contacted me but I didn't get a reaction. Always I say something and I'm met with silence. She doesn't mean it, she either doesn't know what to say to help or wants to maybe give me space to talk more except the silence is the worst. But I know she carres, it isn't her fault either. It is simply silence is worse than saying it all wrong because at least I know she heard me.

It feels like every side is silence. I say I'm hurting and get no reply. I try to realise I am not only one person and be patient. I try and help that part of me that is thriving and happy and manage and balance the dissociated self harming part. But that is what everyone does daily, I am no different. And maybe in time I will get a reply, someone to say that they hear me. But I know that is hard to do when I want perfection. It is my fault. But I don't know what to do. I feel lost.

(((((Abby)))))

My thoughts:

--make an appointment to see your GP. You feel unwell: tell the doctor.

--write again to T and specifically ask to meet to talk options. This would not be "negotiating", she would simply say what the choices are, as she sees them, and hopefully there is one you like, which you then pick.

--if you still don't hear from T: Is she part of a group? Call the office and ask them to help you pick a new T within the group, or at least to assign you one.

--don't contact the other group, as you don't find them helpful.

(((((Abby)))))

Thank you Bill. That is really helpful. It means a lot that you took the time not only to read but also reply to me.

I wondered if I should be very matter of fact or state I am upset at her lack of reply to my last email? Also perhaps I could ask her to give me options via email rather than ask to meet?

If she continues to not reply I shall contact another therapist in the same practise that I know will reply to me.

Thank you again. And also to everyone for the hugs.

Well here is how I would look at it if I were in the situation.

My goal then is to get a new therapist, and I want T's support in reaching that goal. So I am not going to comment on how I feel about her lack of response. I am just going to ask her again for a response. I am going to ask again for her help.

Whether or not T fulfilled her duty to me with regard to this email, and how I feel about what she did or didn't do, strike me as secondary questions that, if pursued, will irritate her and therefore distract from, and quite possibly interfere with, my main goal of finding a therapist. I would ask myself: "Do I want to be right or do I want to get a new T?" and I would choose the latter.

With regard to options by email: To me, the key question is: Will that be sufficiently helpful for you? If you meet in person, T can give you more details about each option, you can see her gestures and expressions, her tone of voice; she can judge your reactions and respond accordingly, there can be much more interaction (assuming that you are comfortable with her) than there is likely to be by email. Do you see drawbacks to meeting in person that more than offset these advantages? Or maybe these advantages are nice but just aren't necessary, you can get what you need to know by email.

Good!

Thank you! You are very kind to talk it through with me.

I wonder if I am concerned whether to trust her considering she doesn't seem to give much thought to answering me. She may give options that are the easiest for her rather than the best for me. But perhaps my emotions are hindering my ability to consider this clearly, prior to this I thought she was perfectly reasonable although I had a few concerns about her ability as a therapist but that's more whether we would 'click' or not.

But you are perfectly right and my goal is to stop self harming, get more stable and to progress with my life. Whether that be with a therapist or not.

My concern about meeting is simply that I get scared easily by people. I don't like going near people if I have huge emotions but have to push them down. However I can detach and do it, and as you say I should keep my main goal clearly in mind. I can definitely do it when I have that set in front of me. In fact just thinking it through it already feels like I could be in control if I detach her and me and all that mess from the objective.

I shall email her now. Perhaps I shall ask if she could offer me the options in an email but if not try and arrange a time convenient for me to meet. Having these problems are hard because I don't know what the underlying issue in my head is, if it were a broken leg I could look up guidelines and treatment plans and weigh up options but therapy stuff is pretty arbitrary and it seems to boil down to me being sensitive and learning to manage that in my daily life.

Thank you again. It means a lot.

She replied. It was very short just saying she's spoken to her manager and all they can offer is another therapist with the same skills set as her to continue the work. She said she knows this isnt what I want but all they can do. And that's it. Nothing else. I shouldn't expect anything else I guess but there seems to be no options, just this or end completely. Who knows what to do or say. I'm pretty upset by the lack of any interest to help me with this. Not sure what to do. I've managed to get an appt to see my doctor next week, probably wise considering.

I'm sorry that your T and the office were of very limited helpfulness. I'm glad that you are going to your doctor; maybe the doctor can refer you to someone who is more of what you have in mind?

Thanks. I don't hold out much hope for the doctor, she is kind but not been particularly helpful in the past. I don't know why I'm going except physically I'm unwell but if that changes I shall likely cancel the appointment.

Honestly I'm tired. I don't even know if I need a therapist or not. I wanted to get therapy over with and not pay out anymore. That might be the way I go, I think I give up on therapy and it feels like everyone around me doesn't think its much use to me either these days.

I spent the evening crying which is a step forward I guess, but I need to get OTC pills to help me sleep as living on 5 hours a night means I'm reaching my limit. Oh well. I might go on a drive tonight and 'run away' for a bit. I was trying to think who to contact or tell yesterday but there is no one else. Only way forward is to wait for the end of therapy report....maybe that will help me know what to do. But I doubt it.

It hurts, I went from someone to noone. Sometimes all I want is someone to talk to. But, life I guess.