Mixed Up Feelings

Mixed up feelings-

I'm all mixed up. I think I understand what's going on with me but it still feels weird.

I guess I'm kinda wanting to find out if typing out my feelings will help me sort my issues.

CurrentT is going on two week vacation...which I think is stirring up weird feelings in me. I'm like many of you...I want her to go have her break...but I don't want her to gooooo....

Plus, we have been talking about touch in therapy..more along the lines of hugging goodbye on occasion. Last week she did hug me goodbye for the first time. It went ok. My feeling right this instant is the hug did not make me feel closer to CurrentT....her hug reminded me instead, that, no, she's not my mom...not that my mom was much of a hugger, really. I like T very much. I believe she has my best interest at heart. I feel attached. But the hug did not bring me the comfort I hoped for.

And I still can't say that I absolutely adore CurrentT....which I guess is fine.

Ok, then there are the feelings I have for PrevT. I adore her. I know what caused it, too....I went through a very bad trauma when I lived in California....and PrevT and I found each other somehow. She rescued me and kept me safe. The trauma was like being in a big "car crash." PrevT was right there with me when I was going through that "car crash." She rescued me and helped me understand what was going on. She knows everything there is to know about the "car crash." So, yes, I became attached. I saw her for several years...then she changed jobs and had to refer me to someone else. I was shattered. But then I had to move out of state.

Fifteen years went by. I am still in contact with PrevT.

This is my situation now....the more I explore attachment with CurrentT, the more PrevT fades into the the background...and I feel less attached to her. I still adore her and all, but the feelings are less intense. Then, I think, did I really feel love for her? (yes) But if those feelings can become less intense....what does that mean about my feelings for CurrentT?

It's as if the curtain has been pulled back from the Great Powerful Oz. I think I have been looking to adore CurrentT, too.

But I don't.

I told you I was mixed up.

Has anyone felt like this? What is happening?
I wish CurrentT was not going on break just now.

I don't adore any of them so I can't say it has happened to me. Does not adoring the current one bother you?

Hi SD,

I'm not clear about what is bothering me.

I think first, if I the intense attachment I had with PrevT can fade...were the feelings real or did I manufacture them...did my neediness manufacture them because of the trauma PrevT helped me through?

And if the latter is true, what does that mean for my relationship with CurrentT? Are my feelings genuine...or just something my neediness manufactured?

Something else is bothering me. I felt secure, safe and comforted in my relationship with PrevT. She was/is so important to me. I am grieving, I guess, that I don't have that anymore.

I was/am hoping for those same feelings of security, safety and comfort with CurrentT but I am afraid I am not feeling it in the way that I hoped. It's not her fault, it's me. PreviousT was my "gravity." I don't feel that same sense of gravity.

I feel alone.

I had super intense feelings for my first lover, but they have faded. - 25 years later. It does not mean they weren't real. The same is true after the death of my mother. And there are other examples. I don't believe that just because intensity changes over time, it mean the feelings were not there.

I am sorry you feel alone.

I think I understand, at least partially. I was totally obsessed and in love with my first T. I thought I would never forget her. Though I knew a little about transference, I didn't really get it. When I left that T, I was devastated. I thought what we had was so special and I was so attached to her!. Since then, I had similar feelings for two other Ts, including my current one. Each time it's been because I continued my pattern of attachment. Yet those feelings were real, though each time I transferred them to my new T.

So, the feelings were real each time, but they did fade when I saw someone else. That's the thing about therapy and transference. People aren't totally transferable though. My current T and I have a closer relationship than I had with the others. Even if I were to see someone else, it wouldn't diminish what she and I have. So I don't think you manufactured your feelings. You really felt them, but you can still have a pattern of what you need, so you'll feel those same feelings for different Ts of others, until you work through the attachment.

I'm not sure I'm making sense but I know what you're wondering about. You're not alone.

I think the feelings are real, but the intensity of them may be more related to the intensity of the trauma being worked through; when the intensity dies down because of time or a new person entering your life, it morphs into more of a normal feeling. In my experience, normal feels empty by comparison to the intensity of emotion around trauma. It takes getting used to. But it's a better and more secure feeling in the long run. Bottom line: the connection is real; the intensity comes from all the transferry/triggery stuff and is more transitory.

Could the lessening feelings for prevT be a sign that you are healing from your previous pain, and not a sign that there is something wrong with curT? Would it be ok for you to have a relationship with your therapist that didn't involve adoration? I think some people call this a healthy relationship, but I wouldn't know.

I think you are right. I think there is healing from the previous trauma.

I think a lot of things are going on. I don't feel I have figured out everything that is bothering me.

PrevT has been staying out of my therapy. our relationship is slowly changing. We are in contact less often. We mostly just catch up on what is going on..which I think I am grieving.

I am grieving the loss of the safety, stability and comfort of prevT. I have known her since 1994... Not easy for me.

CurrentT is getting ready to take a two week break and I'm feeling the dread of that....her leaving stirs things up.

I am considering my relationship with CurrentT...feeling how she is different than PrevT....feeling her strengths, as well.

I'm trying to imagine comforting and caring for myself...and I don't know how I will do it. If transference is a need being filled....the need is still there that brought me to therapy in the first place.

Maybe it will be good to have a regular relationship with PrevT.

CurrentT is going to call me in a few hours. I hope she will help me smooth out my feelings.

Thanks to everyone who responded. I appreciate all your thoughts. I think all of you have good points. A lot for me to consider.