Rate my rudeness

Well, I am dealing with some type of emotional storm that hopefully will get comfortingly filed as a PTSD reexperiencing type of event soon, that or I'm finally losing my marbles... seems unlikely, but one never knows.

In the meantime, I am trying hard to get my therapist to help me feel more at ease and understood and secure, and it's not going great. (I've been doing a fair amount of self care too, but treading water is about where I am.) We've been back and forth a while since Monday's session I guess, and I'm feeling pretty... volatile. And worn out and scared and upset and yeah, messy.

So I wrote her this recently. I know "silly" is a demeaning/dismissive word, but I'm wondering if she'll be able to take my message in stride, work with it as information, or that I've gone to far and she'll just be upset or try to throw some label at me for not being complacent.

For what it's worth, if anything.... this email is very restrained compared to what's going through my head, sigh. In my mind... the intensity of this email is a 3 and my thoughts are getting up to an 8, where 8 is quit therapy forever and 10 I suppose would be just kill myself. I won't get to a 10, I'm functioning remarkably decently, it's all internal.

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"You don't get it. Get what would help. I don't know how to get you to have the insight that I need. Badly frustrating.
In my dream, you even corrected my grammar.... that's how this is, to keep sort of... ending up focused on the wrong thing.
You shouldn't focus on some silly old theme you chose for my therapy two years ago. You should focus on the immediacy of this moment, perspective HERE, insight HERE, helping, not platitudes about how when I say anything halfway positive it's a good idea.

HELP.

Or forget all about it. I go on with my life, you go on with your life. This is NOTHING. It's just an aberration, glitch in the system, could clear.

Maybe you just want to help on Friday, play with Skype for half an hour. (We were going to test Skype IM during session.) Email is for what.... pinging, stupid pinging."
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Oh, great. Nothing like sharing for a dose of objectivity. This is obnoxious, isn't it.

I feel like she's complacent, I want her to stop being complacent, gosh, I am bungling the attempt probably.

I'm not usually such an ***. Well, I mean... I'm not sure, I think I have a lot of good moments.



(And yes, I know email isn't as informative as in person or phone, but it's what I've got for now. Also, email is part of our regular therapy, and I pay for it, for those who don't know my somewhat unusual deal.)

Can you include examples of what you want her to do/be like?

Right now, it just sounds like a rant. Like you're having a bad day and not an ongoing problem. I don't think it's rude per se. Just also don't think you'll get any progress with it either

Yeah, that's how I got to this point, by trying to get her to help me prior, in a few past messages, and having the feeling that she can't figure out where I am or what would help.

So... in the other messages.... I was telling her about my symptoms and that I could use some context/perspective/insight into what she thinks is going on.

And in session and messages, I told her my fear, a tough one, and so... I hope she'd speak to that directly, instead of only saying it's old and agreeing w/my self-care ideas. Like.... I told her I just wanted to be seen, but when she speaks in these terms I don't like (and I've told her in the past and currently that they don't fit) about it, it doesn't help.

And gosh, you know what... I don't think I'm doing a great job telling her what to do, because... I'm relying on her to take my experience and feelings and topics and... figure it out, because it's kinda all I can do to give it to her. It's so hard.

I want her to label this so it feels less like crazy and more like understandable.

I want her to comfort me.

I want her to.... listen to the internal argument for a bit, to ask what's going on til she gets it. She asked if I was dissociative last night and I explained the difference between that feeling/state and the one I'm in, in great detail, but she didn't seem to get it. She didn't reply directly to that, in fact, she abruptly went to bed after asking. (Okay, I'm post-scripting a reality check here- I also sent her a message saying I was going to try a hot bath and bed, so she may've thought I was managing fine, but I still want help managing, becuase everything is so volatile.) She's gotta sleep, of course, but I don't know why she asked then, or what happened to that info.

She says I'm doing X, but like I so... uneloquently just told her, X is generic and old and ill-fitting, and I'd like her to help me... keep my place right now, because when this... panic and volatility hits, restless upset... it's nice to have someone who can say, well, remember Leah, we were talking about X, and then you felt Y, and now you're really struggling with Z, and that makes sense, let's do A.

And I just want her to reply to all my messages, I'm afraid they're getting lost. We switched formats a while ago, and now I have that concern.

And I feel like she's not interested/doesn't have time for me, but she told me a little while ago to please not say she doesn't care, (I actually had never said that, but I did say she seemed fed up, and she took it the same way) so... I'm stifling that perception.

P.S. I did send her a message about what I wanted that was basically copy of what I wrote above, so thanks Scarlet for asking me that.

You sound a bit frantic or panicked and like SP said, ranting. I'm not sure she's going to be able to figure out what you need from what you've said here anyway. Perhaps you need to sit on it a bit until you can more clearly communicate what you need. As you said, you are counting on her to figure it out, but I'm not sure that's going to be able to happen at this point.

Sorry you are feeling badly though.

She has a lot more than that fed up email though. Our Monday session which led to this, plus several other related messages, plus the one I sent inspired by Scarlet's question. And all my history. So, she has a wealth of info. And I'd be happy to have her ask me clarifying questions, I would count that as helpful and welcome.

I'm reminded of the pushing feeling early on in our trauma work, I equated it with labor at the time, that feeling of an inevitable outcome. We can push or hold back, but baby comes all the same.

Maybe this is a little like that trauma work. We were on to something Monday, powerful, but... I wanted to be gentle with it, and I'm not feeling gentled. I'm a little like the horse that needs calming, sigh. Or something.

(P.S. I did already send an apology.)

I don't have a suggestion but I'm sorry you're frustrated. I hope that you'll be able to get your T to understand, and that she'll be able to help. You seem very uncomfortable with where you are right now. I hope you can work it out!

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the above.

1) It's an emotional storm - it sounds like you know these emotional storms pretty well and maybe they're uncomfortable, unpleasant, painful - they're stormy so they pass - but maybe knowing that doesn't help

2) There's a person - your T - who is there to help you! Why doesn't she get it! Why can't she HELP? What could you do more to explain so that she gets it and understands and then helps!?!? And, on top of all that, you're worried that if you keep trying to help her "get it" - she'll get fed up and then what?

3) You mention PTSD - and I obviously don't know your experience - but this sounds like a terrible "knot" of a relational interaction to get stuck in. Feeling hurt and pain in that stormy way, wishing someone would help, and not being able to access that help.


A big part of my therapy for PTSD has been sitting with that awful feeling in the storm with someone who isn't "getting it" - who wants to, who is there week after week - and it doesn't feel like he gets it, and I feel alone, and it hurts like heck.

And then the storm passes and it seems quite different.

That isn't much help, I'm sure. I'm sure your T will want you to keep talking, keep describing that storm, and even maybe describe how you feel about her not "getting it" or being able to make it dissolve and poof away. .

In any case, what you're describing doesn't sound too terrible or rude. It sounds like therapy and things getting stirred up. I think your efforts to calm/soothe yourself w/ self care are really good.

Yeah, I do have PTSD, and we were talking about something sort of trauma related Monday, but... I didn't anticipate it spiraling like this... I've been in a relatively calm phase as far as symptoms go for a while, dealing with other things.

I've dealt with reliving type things before, yes, very unpleasant, this one... I don't know, just feels a little different but perhaps some of that is because we only scratched the surfacce in session and then it blew up after. I used to be able to add extra sessions, but it's not as easy right now. So, yes, I do worry about her getting fed up- if she could read my mind about her not getting it, and just hear the volume in here, lol, I'm pretty sure I'd get some reaction, it's not pretty.

I know what you mean about the struggle to get them to get it, and maybe part of what I'm missing is the extra session time to finally get to that place.

I don't know, it is volatile right now, but thanks for restating things, I like that, and just replying.

I hope she'll be more responsive soon, like you said, even if she just needs me to describe things more, that would help. It's very tiring to push through atm.

I am keeping up the self-care and hoping it helps a lot too, I'm sure it's making a difference, shame I can't just take a few days off from life though, ha.

I expect any therapist worth their salt to not take it super personally or otherwise freak out or turn it into a passive-aggressive game or whatever, if I become emotionally unstable and/or give them constructive criticism.

I do expect them to give me very clear boundaries if they feel the need to do so, and I do expect them to take whatever appropriate measures to protect themselves.

I don't expect them to ever just sit there and let me verbally abuse them (that has never happened, but I suppose it could), but I do expect them to realize that if I did become very riled up and start spitting venom, it's not personal and it's part of why I'd be in therapy in the first place.

I expect them to be able to handle feedback, even if it's not what they believe to be true, and to work with me, to work with me until the common understanding and solution are found.

Therapy has a slightly different set of rules. It's very rude to blow off a date and just no-show. It happens all the time that clients no-show on therapy sessions due to severe anxiety. It's not about rudeness. But then there's a different sort of etiquette. If you no-show for a session at the last minute due to a panic attack or something, it's good to follow up later and explain what happened. Etc, etc.

So I don't think you are being "rude" at all. I think that this is therapy and that therapy can get messy, emotional, etc. And sometimes it is just not a good fit between client and therapist, and usually it seems the clients try WAY harder to make it work than the therapists. That is what I see in the email, you trying really hard to make it work.

If a therapist can't see that for what it is, then **** it, I'd get a new one.

Thanks for the perspective. Yes, I hope she won't take it personally, but more as constructive/desperate criticism gone very wrong. It is frustrating to feel so unsteady and not have her know yet what's needed to help steady me. I get antsy about upsetting her, but the reality is, in probably 400 sessions, I think she's gotten upset or defensive just a handful and we've worked them out, just enough, combined probably with what I'm working on to worry me, but hopefully it's a mostly unrealistic worry. I do remember other times when I thought she might get angry, her saying of course she wasn't, more that she was sorry I was hurting, so.... let's hope we stay in that place.

I get a very negative maternal "transference" with therapists (I think, I don't know what to call it, really) but they always inevitably become my mother in my head. And I both hate and fear my mother at my true core. I have lost my marbles more than once with a therapist because of this, especially when trying to give constructive feedback or anything that could possibly even remotely be seen as criticism, because for all my life, any constructive criticism towards my mother was met with severe shaming and retaliation. So I sort of "know that feel" of second-guessing yourself half to death when you were actually doing something good by being honest about how you feel things are going.

Oh yes, I certainly do too.

I'm usually calmer about it these days, but shouldn't be surprised I'm having a tough time atm I guess.

I do give her plenty of feedback as a rule but see it just as collaboration these days, which is lovely, when I'm not upset like this. She can get somewhat defensive, but it's rare and she's also good about admitting flaws and shortcomings. The whole lovely "good enough mother" thing- I'll fail you sometimes, but always be there to work it out.

I should remember that, it's a sweet feeling to know it about our relationship.

I never accept a T with kids. It's one of the first questions I ask lol. Do you have kids? If the answer is yes I'm like thanks for your time but this is a bad fit. I have found that Ts who are mothers tend to take it weirdly personally when I need to talk about my own mother and how awful she has been at many times in my life. It's like their gut reaction is to defend my mother because they are a mother, too. **** that lol.

That is really great that she is able to admit to her own flaws. A non-narcy T is usually a good T.

I did not consider it rude at all.

Ha, I do not blame you.

I didn't ask, but it turned out my therapist did not have kids either and I think it's allowed her to redirect those maternal energies into therapy, there are definite elements of motherly care in our therapeutic relationship. And we have a couple basic types of issues in common around our families, which is reassuring sometimes.

I wrote her a bunch more emails and had a very rough day yesterday but I'm getting clearer bit by bit, that this was indeed an instance of reliving trauma, longer in duration than I'm used to, but I think it's getting better. She accepted my apology for the rant (I think there was one more too maybe), with a (smart ***) note that it wouldn't help me to get angry at her, but that she understood what was going on (pretty much) and was there for me. So that was good

I think it can help getting angry at T. When I'm in flashback it feels like I'm almost destroying T. Least the anger is our the then. It can get witnessed and understood.

Yeah, I think it can too- it's a coincidence you mention that because I told her that too, kind of. I think it would help, to vent it an then look at it. Feel like I've been reenacting something in a turbulent way, sigh, can't wait to be over it.