[laxer12]

This week I essentially told my T that I'm attached to her and that it's going to be really hard for me to leave her when I graduate grad school next spring. It took me nearly the entire hour to say it so we agreed to discuss it more next week.

At the end of the session she said something along the lines of "this is a good opportunity to talk about boundaries in relationships so I think we should discuss this more next week"

I'm not exactly sure what she meant by that...I have a tendency to get attached to certain people who I open up to because it is not always easy for me to do so. She and I both know it is something that I do so I'm sure none of this is a surprise. I'm just wondering what "boundaries" she is talking about...I have never crossed any boundaries with her, no phone calls, only emails about scheduling, and I've never asked for anything unreasonable. I even asked once if she is okay with emails during the week and when she said she likes to keep it focused on scheduling, I was respectful of that.

I can't imaging it would be about boundaries regarding her but I don't know what else it could be...I'm confused.

Sounds like she is talking about boundaries post-graduation.

[musinglizzy]

Perhaps, like Lola said, she will let you know what to expect when you are done with therapy. Or.... she could be talking about a lack of boundaries she may have noticed in you, regarding relationships in your life? I had no idea I was giving my T the impression, but just by listening to me, she can tell I don't keep strong boundaries in my relationships, I, at times, let people walk all over me. I've had many fairly one-sided relationships, the kind where you're there for someone but they can't even take the time to ask how YOU are doing. "All about them" relationships. I've gotten better at making sure I MATTER in my relationships too, but she did pick up on that former pattern. So it had nothing to do with her or her boundaries, it had to do with boundaries I didn't have with others in my life.

I imagine this is kind of nagging on your mind until your next session, so I thought I'd give you this other perspective...from personal experience! I know if my T said "lets talk about boundaries next week" I'd fret for that week, wondering how the conversation was going to go. But her intention may be the complete opposite of what you think.

[LonesomeTonight]

I doubt it's about any boundaries you're currently violating with her. Maybe it's about after graduation? I'd be confused, too!

Unless maybe she wants to encourage you to open up to more people so you'll have other attachments beyond her?

I also tend to get attached to people who I feel really "get" me, so I understand that aspect...

[laxer12]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

Perhaps, like Lola said, she will let you know what to expect when you are done with therapy. Or.... she could be talking about a lack of boundaries she may have noticed in you, regarding relationships in your life?

Yeah, it could definitely be what you guys are saying. In hindsight, I really should have asked her what she meant in that moment but I guess I'll just have to wait...

She made it pretty clear that our relationship would be over once I stopped seeing her so I don't know what else she could say about after it's over. I kind of hope that she doesn't want to talk about boundaries in my other relationships because I really just want to talk about my attachment to her...it's going to be hard enough to talk about, I'm going to need an entire session.

[iheartjacques]

Maybe she's talking about post therapy contact?
I wish my current T would be my friend afterwards but he's not going to be. Sucks, hey?

[LonesomeTonight]

Any chance your T would make housecalls? I know there's at least one patient my marriage counselor sees at their house.

[laxer12]

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

Maybe she's talking about post therapy contact?
I wish my current T would be my friend afterwards but he's not going to be. Sucks, hey?

Yeah she made it very clear that our relationship would not continue after I graduated and moved away. She said something like "This is one relationship where there is a clear and distinct ending, but until then, I do not anticipate going anywhere." Now when I think about her saying that, I just want to tell her that she doesn't have to remind me of that...I don't want to think about it. It's going to be really difficult to end that relationship. It makes me tear up just typing this out now.

[LonesomeTonight]

Please ignore my most recent comment--I totally posted that on the wrong thread! Eesh.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by laxer12

Yeah she made it very clear that our relationship would not continue after I graduated and moved away. She said something like "This is one relationship where there is a clear and distinct ending, but until then, I do not anticipate going anywhere." Now when I think about her saying that, I just want to tell her that she doesn't have to remind me of that...I don't want to think about it. It's going to be really difficult to end that relationship. It makes me tear up just typing this out now.

Couldn't you keep in touch with her after the relationship ends? Like email her once and a while and let her know how you are doing?

[laxer12]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

Couldn't you keep in touch with her after the relationship ends? Like email her once and a while and let her know how you are doing?

Maybe, that's something that I would definitely like to do. This conversation happened with about 5 minutes left in session so we didn't have time to discuss it. I'm not sure what her boundaries are but the way she was talking really made me think that she is going to cut it off completely when I'm done. Maybe she thinks that is what is best for me...It will be an interesting conversation next week.

[Bill3]

It doesn't feel like "help", but I think she is in fact helping you by giving you a year to prepare and being definite about it ending then.

[Lauliza]

I agree with Bill3. I know it hurts, but it is a good thing that your T is being transparent about her boundaries and giving you enough notice to process anything. She may also be more flexible than she appeared from your conversation.

[laxer12]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I agree with Bill3. I know it hurts, but it is a good thing that your T is being transparent about her boundaries and giving you enough notice to process anything. She may also be more flexible than she appeared from your conversation.

Yeah, you guys are right. I've been seeing her for almost 9 months now and I won't be graduating for another 10 months so we have a lot of time if needed. I just really want her to help me work through it before it happens and I have to say goodbye.

[Bill3]

I just really want her to help me work through it before it happens and I have to say goodbye.

You are wise. I expect that she is aware of the importance of what you said. But do bring it up with her, to confirm that and to develop a plan to work on it with her!

[LonesomeTonight]

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but in some ways, it's good you know the end date for your relationship. I'm very attached to my marriage counselor (transference and maybe more than that, which he knows about). My husband and I have been doing better, and in some ways that's good, but in other ways, I keep worrying MC will say we should decrease the frequency of our sessions (currently weekly) or think about terminating. If you know the ending of something, you can work to gradually wind down the therapy to then and leave plenty of time for the termination process. Not that it makes it any less painful, I'm sure...

[musinglizzy]

I've talked to my T about the end, and she has said that she has kept in touch with people for decades after therapy ends. So I'm hopeful that I still can check in once in awhile once I'm done. She's retiring in 10 years. I figure I'll probably be there that long too...

[Cinnamon_Stick]

My T has told me that when/if therapy ends we can still have contact after and get together once and a awhile. It makes me feel so much better about the end someday. It never hurts to ask.

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[Perna]

You have not crossed any boundaries of hers because she has boundaries and keeps them well. What about your boundaries and how you keep them?

[laxer12]

Originally Posted by Perna

You have not crossed any boundaries of hers because she has boundaries and keeps them well. What about your boundaries and how you keep them?

I feel like I generally keep good boundaries with people...I sometimes put up a wall that can be hard to break down but we have talked about it extensively.

I really don't know...and the more I think about it the more it doesn't make sense to me haha.

I'm definitely going to make her start our session. I curious to see where she goes with this.

[Perna]

Walls are not boundaries. Boundaries are freely chosen and expressed and are easily crossable, especially initially before they may be expressed. Boundaries are about personal desires and self-respect. Boundaries usually have consequences for their crossing, also expressed. "I do not wish to discuss this subject with you further. If you mention it again, I will hang up the phone" (or leave the room, quit the job, etc.). The other person doesn't know you don't like "that" subject at that time until they raise it and you tell them how you feel.

My stepson was having difficulty with his mother and phone calls and warned her she had crossed one of his boundaries and should stop or he would not talk to her on the phone anymore. She kept on crossing. . . and so he does not talk to her on the phone! He's perfectly polite/loving, etc. at family get-togethers, etc. but she has a hard time with invading people's space on the phone -- calls too often, won't let you hang up, etc. so her sons have followed through and enforce their personal boundaries with her and don't call her or accept her calls or both. That's where e-mail is a blessing these days :-) Boundaries are about not letting other people invade your space/life without your consent/being invited in by you. I'm aspiring to learn to be clear and kind in setting my boundaries and to pay attention/listen to other people and what they'd like in regard to theirs.

[iheartjacques]

I didn't get any after therapy contact. It was cut and dried. And I just know that this current T is going to be like that too
All the more reason to google them now and again lol
I was in love with one of my teachers. That was 24 years ago. I still look him up now and again. It took me years to get over it.