Maybe this is a continuence of my other posts where I felt I'd 'killed granny'. How I am needing T maybe is changing.
Yesterday when I arrived I spoke about some long term gas works going on near her and how I need to find another way to get to her. T began to explain one way I could use.
Then I asked about her holiday dates which she hasn't given me yet and she talked about something she's got planned for September. She's going on a sculpture course, we had spoken about this before.
I remember thinking this is the longest T has talked about things not 'therapy' related EVER.
And..... Last night as I lie down I had a feeling of not really liking T. The T who isn't in her professional roll
I don't know why.
It made me think about how the way psychoanalytical therapy draws out our transferences. Our Fantasys.
I'm not sure if this feeling of not liking is part of that, or a feeling that doesn't get much daylight within the boundaries of my normal sessions.
I felt for the first time that I can foresee a time when I will chose to leave therapy.
I didn't feel T knew it all. It felt equal between us.

This feeling resonates with me. I don't like to veer away from therapy either. I have a fear of knowing non-therapy T which I think originates in damage done by too much self-disclosure from my first T. Last session I felt some of the therapy was informed by his feelings rather than mine, and it made me very uneasy. It makes me uneasy whenever he talks about his life.

On top of this. I dreamt last night that I was back in my childhood area. And a woman was telling me that there were concerns about my adoptive fathers fitness to father me, and I adored my adoptive father in reality.
But is the crumbling of T in my mind playing itself out in the role of my father who I also previously adored.
Wierd. I will tell T about all of this.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I didn't feel T knew it all. It felt equal between us. - I would call this a good thing. I feel that if you and your T can talk as equals with a common interest in helping you with your difficulties it is all to the good. I would hope your T knows a lot about helping people but I would guess that they can use this knowledge best when there is free/open exchange of views where you feel you can tell them where you disagree with them, where you need more help and when you can decide yourself how often and for how long you need to see your T.

Your post made me wonder if it might be helpful when ending with a T if they self-disclose more than they have before - maybe it would help to normalise the relationship before saying goodbye?

[divine1966]

We talk a lot about things that have nothing to do with therapy. Travels hobbies families. Yes sometimes it feels funny. I kind of know what you mean. Last session we were laughing about her remembering her clients names and me remembering my students names. We were cracking up and then I did feel weird

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