[Petra5ed]

I'm wondering how other people have dealt with this when it comes up... when you find out your therapist is dealing with something terrible in their personal life. On the one hand, I love my therapist and care about him deeply. I feel for him and want to be there for him as a friend. On the other hand I'm not his friend and cant be there for him. It makes therapy awkward when my issues seem less than whatever he is dealing with. I'm not sure if he's even in a place to be thinking much about me and my issues, when there are bigger more pressing things in his personal life.

[maykins]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I'm wondering how other people have dealt with this when it comes up... when you find out your therapist is dealing with something terrible in their personal life. On the one hand, I love my therapist and care about him deeply. I feel for him and want to be there for him as a friend. On the other hand I'm not his friend and cant be there for him. It makes therapy awkward when my issues seem less than whatever he is dealing with. I'm not sure if he's even in a place to be thinking much about me and my issues, when there are bigger more pressing things in his personal life.

My T was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. Very early on and seems to be easily treated (all things considered).
However, she did not (and will not) make me feel as if her troubles diminish from mine.

Honestly, she only shared this because she had to, as she had to miss appointments for a while. I could've not known if it was up to her.

I have to say I don't think Ts should share their personal troubles (beyond what is necessary) and I most definitely don't think that us patients should expect it.

I'm saying this knowing it's an unpopular opinion on this forum, though I have to say that returning here from a year's absence, I've found that the forum has much less visitors who talk about thinking that T owes them something (as in, a mutual friendship-wise) and I'm pleased with that.

[maykins]

Petra, to clarify, I don't think a professional T thinks their problems overshadow yours. This is their job and it's irrelevant to their personal life.

I've always had T's who I felt had good personal insight and boundaries about what was and wasn't workable for them regarding work and outside stressors. They were a good about taking care of themselves -- good role models for self-care and healthy boundaries -- so I never really felt like I had to take care of them or behave any different, even knowing they were going through difficult issues outside of work.

[NowhereUSA]

I talked with him about it. It's a long term therapeutic relationship and the dynamic is a much more open one. That being said I don't think he intended to tell me about it. I was in a rough place and wasn't sure if I was going to make it through okay and he was trying to relate it to what I was saying. Suddenly he broke down in full on crying which is entirely and completely unlike him. The incident had clearly taken a toll on him emotionally and he confirmed that he was seeing someone to work through it.

I expressed compassion and I asked him about it at the one year anniversary, just asking if he was okay. I knew he couldn't lean on me and he knew that too but he handled it skillfully so that he could be open, answering my questions while maintaining appropriate boundaries. In the end, I found it helpful to see a healthy interaction with negative emotions because I tend to stuff them down.

[stopdog]

I think by definition they all need therapy. But I expect them to be able to take care of themselves. They are not immune to life and therefore sickness, death, stress etc will pop up in their lives just like everyone else.

[LonesomeTonight]

My marriage counselor had to cancel a couple sessions earlier this year and also a couple last year because of a family member's health issues. He didn't say much about it at the time but just apologized. The time last year, my T (they're in the same office) assured me that it wasn't one of his kids but said it was a difficult situation that only he could deal with.

Then, around the time he had to cancel some this year, I asked my T if he was OK (by then, I'd started telling her about my transference for him). He's someone who kind of shows emotions in his eyes, so I could tell there was something really bothering him. (My T said it was very insightful of me that I'd picked up on that.) My T hemmed and hawed, and said she needs to ask him what to tell people when they ask (they have other patients in common, too). The next week, I overheard an office manager telling the receptionist that MC would be late (for someone else's appointment--I was there for T) because he had to wait for the "home health worker" to arrive. Of course, I asked T about it, and she just said, "There's someone living in his home that requires 24-hour care." He was in for our appointment the next week, got a call at the beginning he had to take, then seemed really distracted and kind of sad the rest of the appointment. Then he canceled our next appointment, and when I called to reschedule, didn't get back to me for days. (Which both worried me and hurt because I had feelings for him--hadn't told him yet though.)

When I next saw T, she ended up writing him a note, asking him to call me to schedule, leaving both my home and cell. He called that night while H and I were out at a bar (with "Paradise City" playing when I answered the phone). I apologized for needing a minute to get outside in the quiet, and he apologized for having to cancel. We scheduled a new appointment, then I felt like I needed to say something (and was a bit buzzed), so I was like, "I get the feeling you're going through a rough time right now, and I hope you're doing OK" (or something like that), and he just said "Thanks" kind of quietly. Then I felt all awkward about having said that and hoped I hadn't crossed a line. When we actually met for the next appointment, he apologized again and said he'd let his personal life interfere with his professional life and that he was sorry about that. He obviously felt bad and had tried not to let it interfere, but it had.

Incidentally, I'm still not sure who it is that requires the care (or even if they're still living in his house). I had this fear that it was his wife, which made me both feel guilty about the transference thing and also bad for him, but based on a couple other things he's said, I don't think it's her. I suspect it's one of his parents or other relatives. He's open about many things in his personal life, but I get the sense that's an area he's not comfortable being open about.

(Eek, that was much longer than I'd intended... )

[amandalouise]

in my location its standard for treatment providers to have their own treatment providers, plus most treatment providers that I know have entered the mental health profession due to the fact that they have had their own problems and ave had great experiences to where they wanted to be therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists too. kind of like if someone growing up had a great teacher they may decide to become a teacher, ...here at the crisis center a majority of the people that work here have under gone some sort of abuse their self and decided to volunteer, and then through volunteering decided to continue on to get their credentials for being a mental health treatment provider.

my own treatment provider has her own therapist and herbologist /psychiatrist. We have had many great and challenging discussions just because we share some of the same problems. I feel that my treatment provider having her own challenges is what makes her one of the best treatment providers there is.. not only does she have the professional side of the desk but she also had the survival and maintaining of mental problems so you know she really does understand when you are in therapy with her. when things do come up where she's dealing with something that she knows may affect her clients she reschedules her clients so that her problems do not become her clients problems.

I don't see how therapy does any good for anyone, much less a therapist.

[stopdog]

I want the ones I see to have endured it - whether it did them any good or not. It is the enduring part I find important.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

My ex T really needed therapy herself. She had a rock on her desk that she glued eyes and hair to and thought it was real and talked. I told her (before slamming her door) that she needed therapy more than me. She was a nut case.

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[Leah123]

My therapist did do therapy concurrently with seeing clients for about 15 years. Many do and I'm glad for that. Not only does it mean they have experience with being a client and can therefore relate somewhat better, but they do have that extra support when difficulties arise, which is more necessary than in a lot of other jobs.

Of course, some therapists will have excellent built in support networks, just like a portion of the rest of the population does and may not need therapeutic support, but however she chooses to do it, I am content knowing she's taking good care of herself, it's her responsibility, at the same time that I am conscientious, wish her well and try to be game about needing to reschedule and such. I think it's good, coming from a terribly codependent birth family to continue having the experience of my T and lots of others in my life, for people to just take care of themselves, and I can feel concerned and let her know I'm thinking of her and wishing for the best when problems arise, but not be entangled in it, not have her need anything from me.

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

I don't see how therapy does any good for anyone, much less a therapist.

Puzzlebug, are you in therapy at all? I would guess since you are on a therapy forum that you are. Is it not going well? Hugs to you. Sometimes I think therapy is a bit pointless myself, but I keep spinning my wheels anyway. I have never asked my therapist if she has endured therapy herself, but I thought it was the norm for therapists-to-be to attend their own therapy before they become one.

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

My ex T really needed therapy herself. She had a rock on her desk that she glued eyes and hair to and thought it was real and talked. I told her (before slamming her door) that she needed therapy more than me. She was a nut case.

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WOW!

Every T should have some therapy at least once a year and more if needed. I wish my T sought help when a very bad situation came up with me. If he had, I doubt my life would have been ruined. If he did see a T and he wound up exploiting me anyway, then that's a real problem.

[Crescent Moon]

I think therapy should be required for all therapists to have from the time they enter school to become therapists.

[magicalprince]

It is very important. But it's definitely up to T, not you, to find outlets for those problems. Maybe they ARE worse than yours but, are your problems trivial enough that you'd rather focus on someone else's problems, who may already have help, instead of yours? Anyway, the only way you can be a friend to T is to let him do his job. Sorry if that is being harsh.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I'm beginning to think my last one needed a neurologist. Something seriously messed up there.

[Bipolar Warrior]

I can't believe how many terrible therapists there are out there. It astounds me. I have two therapists myself; one is my regular therapist who I've been seeing for two and a half years, and the other one is my uni therapist who I've been seeing for six months. They are the only therapists I've ever had, and they are both emotionally stable and very professional. I'm guessing they've both had therapy in the past. Seems like I've been fairly lucky with my therapists!

[aetheorist]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I want the ones I see to have endured it - whether it did them any good or not. It is the enduring part I find important.

[Daystrom]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

My ex T really needed therapy herself. She had a rock on her desk that she glued eyes and hair to and thought it was real and talked. I told her (before slamming her door) that she needed therapy more than me. She was a nut case.

She wouldn't happen to have spent any time on a deserted island with a volleyball, would she?

*
I wish my T would just go back to see his T already. He needs help!

I haven't a clue what T had going on in her protected life. And I wouldn't feel I want to be there for her. T had her needs meet outside of therapy. As it should be.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I'm wondering how other people have dealt with this when it comes up... when you find out your therapist is dealing with something terrible in their personal life. On the one hand, I love my therapist and care about him deeply. I feel for him and want to be there for him as a friend. On the other hand I'm not his friend and cant be there for him. It makes therapy awkward when my issues seem less than whatever he is dealing with. I'm not sure if he's even in a place to be thinking much about me and my issues, when there are bigger more pressing things in his personal life.

I found out inadvertently that my therapist was reeling from a series of deaths in her life. I felt about two inches tall. Just horrible. When she realized what was going on, she did what she could to get things back to balance, but it was hard. I still feel like an idiot. She has mentioned having a therapist herself, which helps to know, but I sometimes still feel self-conscious talking about my stupid life. I know it's her job and I'm paying her, but it's hard to get past not feeling ashamed for asking something to be about me.

[lunatic soul]

Did he tell you about his issues or how do you know about it?
All the people sometimes have issues in their life, I know one pdoc who tried to kill herself for 5 times or maybe she just wanted to get some love by doing this I don't know. They are just people like us.
My T is in therapy, I think many of them are in therapy.
When we work with clients we try to do best we can no matter how bad we feel in our life and if somebody can't work because of feeling too horrible I think s/he would have a little break from job, I'm not sure but that's what I'm thinking.