Leaving my therapist

Hi.... I am having a really hard time processing the fact that I terminated my therapy with a therapist.

To make a long story short, the last 2 months I came to the conclusion that what she was most interested in was my money. I tried to tell myself this wasn't true but there was a lot of evidence it was such as her saying "you know if you don't pay the bill soon there's not a lot of motivation for me in this..", trying to charge me outrageous cancellation fees, and coercing me into taking a dbt group therapy that was not covered by my insurance when I had told her over 10x I did not have the $200 cash per session for that. I felt she took advantage of the fact that I was weak and vulnerable to make money.

Nevertheless it is so hard for me to process this because I had a unique relationship with her.... she allowed me to call/text her and it became as though I talked to her almost everyday. When I was in the hospital 2x this year she was the only person that visited me. She cried once in a session saying that she really wanted me to have a good life and perhaps she liked me too much. I know she cared about me. But I became extremely reliant on her.
Anyways the whole thing makes me extremely sad and I am so ambivalent about it. Even though I texted her terminating therapy, I still think back on it and feel such a sense of loss. I felt she had replaced my mother and was one of the only people I could trust. I feel as though someone died. I know this sounds extreme, but I am so upset. Of course it is my own choice, I could go back but it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship....

I don't know what to think or do.... and I can't stop thinking about her (also I'm a girl so it's nothing romantic)

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Your post gives me the impression that maybe she isn't a good therapist--lots of red flags about lack of boundaries. It was really really inappropriate of her to say that a late payment is de-motivating her. Very unprofessional.

I hope you don't give up yourself. Maybe interview therapists that take your insurance?

Have you tried any other therapists since then or

I'm sorry things went so off the rails with you and your therapist and it distressed you so much that you felt the need to cancel all future appointments. The loss you're feeling about terminating is pretty common. If you've read any of the other posts about ending therapy, you'll see that sadness, constant thinking about the therapist, ambivalence etc. are something most people feel when they leave a therapy situation.

I do think from what you're saying that your therapist might have been poor at setting good boundaries with you. Although many therapist allow texting, emailing and phoning, they usually keep that kind of contact for emergency situations. If you found yourself contacting her through these means frequently, daily, several times a week etc, her suggestion that you take a DBT group might have been a solid therapeutic suggestion. I understand about not having the financial means to take the group and when she convinced you to take it you felt resentful, but I do think that she might have felt that you weren't getting a full benefit from straight "talk therapy". If you continued to spiral into emotional upheaval and were so unstable that you needed to be hospitalized, she would be remiss as a therapist NOT to suggest more supportive services. DBT is a good place to get that support because it attempts to teach us how to "self-soothe" and deal with emotional overwhelm. It often doesn't, however, solve everything and we continue to need the support and guidance of our therapists.

I do think that her comment about you needing to pay your bill or she won't stay motivated in the helping role was more than a little inappropriate. I get it that she might have been frustrated if you were regularly late at paying your bill or you had built up a big balance, but she needed to address that directly and not add the little "motivated" part in at the end! I do understand that therapy is expensive and it often put me in a tight spot financially, but I tried to think about it from my own perspective of work and getting paid. If my boss constantly told me that he was going to pay me but not this week, even though pay day was designated as Mondays, and he continually paid me late, I'd feel resentful and angry. Therapists are caring people, BUT we are their work. They like what they do (many do anyway) and they deserve to get paid when they are suppose to--mine always expected payment (co-pay) at the beginning or end of the session. Missing once or twice is okay, but if it happens on a regular basis, that isn't okay . . . just as it wasn't okay for her to talk about being unmotivated if she isn't paid.

Sometimes when we're in a relationship with a therapist who is poor at setting boundaries, we tend to continually test the weak boundaries to see if he/she really cares. It's a way of seeing if we are special to the therapist and they will do anything to keep us safe and secure. One of the ways that happens is to leave the relationship, to terminate and then have a small secret wish that the therapist will call and coax us to come back. Some therapists will call to encourage a client to return, but most will not. And it's important, in most cases, that they do not call. Going to therapy is really your decision--you get to decide if it's helpful or not. If you feel that you might have made a mistake and you still feel that you want to work with this therapist, I suggest calling and making another appointment. Go in and talk about how her comment about staying motivated caused you to feel the relationship had become about money. If she's a good therapist, she'll understand that her comment about motivation was ill timed and wrong and she'll apologize. But also be prepared for her to talk about her need to have you pay on time. Our therapists are doing the work because they care about mental health, but it truly is how they live--they provide a service and we pay them. Your other option, if you truly feel that you don't want to work it out is to find another therapist--the thing to look out for is if things begin to go in the same direction as they did with this therapist. In other words, if you begin to feel the same feelings (he/she is only in it for the money, he/she really doesn't care etc.) then you know this is something you need to deal with directly in therapy because it's a "theme" for you in your relationships with people. Good luck with whatever you decide!

I'm sorry. Unfortunately I think for most therapists money is the bottom line which is somewhat understandable because they do need to make a living. It is very painful when client realizes this and has to come to terms with the fakeness of the relationship.

It's painful to realize that someone you feel connected to is being realistic about the relationship, which is a paid arrangement. Could you have been testing her by running up a tab and cancelling without proper notice? Yes, she made that callous comment about not being motivated by non payment, and it reveals a lot about her, but I think it's important to keep that payment system in place for your own good. At least, that's how I see it. For me, it's a protection and justification for expecting certain things.

It might be worth going back to see her to work this out, or at least get some clarity on it for your own sake. If not, it will probably stay with you. Another option is to consult with another therapist and deal with it that way.

It sounds to me like your T had poor boundaries, over extended herself and ended up frustrated with the added burden of unpaid bills and missed appointments. I agree with you that her comment about motivation was very insensitive and inappropriate, but u think it may have been driven by frustration and a little anger than by greed. That is on her however, since as the T she is the one responsible for not letting these things build up. I see my providers at a group practice and if you don't give 48 hours/ don't show up the pooch is to charge the full hourly rate, which can end up as much as $265 or more depending on who you see. There are always exceptions to the rule if you talk to your T about it, but if it happens more than a couple of times or is a regular occurance they'll auto bull your cars or just terminate you until you pay. It's not the nicest policy but it does prevent clients form racking up a large balance, which only creates a lot f tension or worse between you and your T. They aren't going to feel great about texting, emailing and taking calls on top of regular sessions if they aren't getting paid. I don't take it personally, since I can liken it to any professional relationship or even personal ones. If I asked my friend who is a lawyer for legal advice all the time or to help me with legal matters pro bono on a regular basis, it would become problematic for her. There has to be boundaries in place so we don't just in order to protect ourselves from over extendig outselves and feeling taken advantage of. I think this is why she suggeste the DBT group- it would provide the extra support you need.

I'm so sorry it came down to this for you, in the end. I know you've been agonising about it for a while now, and it's going to take time to recover from something like that.

I agree with some of what the others are saying - this could continue to bother you unless you deal with these feelings somehow, and the best way to do that might be to have a final session with your therapist. Otherwise, do seek out a new one to help you deal with your current sense of loss. I understand that the grief you feel is overwhelming at the moment, but I feel it is important for you to not go through this alone.

I'm currently having some of the same feelings about my academic mentor. She's a trained psychotherapist and she has helped me so much, but I've become overly attached to her, which honestly terrifies me. This woman has even told me that she thinks we have a "special relationship" and that she's so glad she gets to work with me, etc., but then the other day when I told her that I'm worried they won't offer me mentoring next year, she sort of casually said, "Well, if you ask for it, I'm sure they'll give it to you." It was said in a way that made it sound like either way, it made no difference to her. It is rather painful to be confronted by the reality of such a relationship.

hey guys this was all very good advice. thank you so much. x